Sitcom Trial reviews
Is this the right place for these or should I move them to the Yahoo message board?
General things I've learnt.
1, Everyone is doing a script about Loveable layabout loafers in their twenties in a flatshare with their oldest friend.
2, Formatting a script is really important. Some were really, really hard to read. Make it easy on the reader. The one I use is the Newsjack recommendation. http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/writersroom/2010/01/newsjack_script_smart_or_smart.shtml
4, Too many drunk/stoned/hungover people (I'm guilty here)
5, Loads of people trying to write decent parts for women - nice work.
6, Too many jokes on the 'scared of being bummed' theme.
Here's my reviews, happy to discuss any of them but if you just want to call me a dick, PM me as it's boring for other forum readers.
Good luck to all
A French Affair - I would have thought unstagable, too many locations including a car. But I'm not sure so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. It's a bit clunky, some of the jokes are hugely signposted. I didn't really see much definition to the characters. There were a few good jokes but, I'm afraid - NO
Scream Sisters - 'Are your underarms still trés European?' - is nice. Some good ideas. Nice setting. Dialogue very clunky though and not enough laughs and can't tell the difference between the two lead characters - No
All the fun of the fair - 'People are finding hot-dogs in their candyfloss.' - funny. Good stuff, funny, good original jokes. Characters distinct. Dialogue could flow better, there is some clunkiness to it - YES
As plain as day - An awful lot of plot and concept crammed into a small space which is smart. Didn't really make me laugh though. - MAYBE
Baked - Not for me I'm afraid. Couldn't see any difference between the characters, didn't particularly warm to any of them. Didn't laugh. Isn't stoner comedy a bit old hat? - No
Bewilderment Years - alright. Beryl has definitely got potential. Thebit with him waiting in the office is nicely written and funny. Sounds like an inner monologue thought so don't know how you'd perform it. - MAYBE
Big Boys bad - Funny! Hoorah! Genuine jokes and everything. Sadly, I have to 'No' it. I'm afraid it's not a sitcom. It's a sketch. I reckon with some edits and rejigs, you've got three good sketches here. So, sorry, well done but - No
Chairman Sal - I liked that characters, there was an easy gentle humour going on. Nice. Why is there no decent football sitcom? Problem is it's too long with not enough going on. Based on what you've given us, 'No' but with a tight, tight
edit I'd say 'Yes' so to conclude - 'MAYBE'
Cold Call - 'There are no traffic jams down the extra mile Rebecca' - laugh! Hang on, I've finished? Is that it? That's about a five minute peice at best. Potential though. Be careful with the manager, David Brent is going to loom large for a long time and there's a touch of the brent about him. Liked the two girls, didn't understand the logic of why they were sitting together. I really warmed to this but I want to see more - MAYBE
Cooper - Hangover - I submitted this, I'm pleased with the distinct characters and the dialogue. I also think you get good VFM in laughs per line- YES
Deirdre Dooley - Fairly well defined characters, nice simple plot, good ending. Not funny enough though - NO
Games Night - More subtle exposition please - Great idea, very funny, good characters. Too one-note for a sitcom though, it would just be too similar week after week. I'd extend it into a play if I were you, bags of potential here for a great Ayckborn type affair. - No
Geezers - Dated and not funny. The punchline appears to be two men beating a woman with a baseball bat. - No
Istanbul - Good 'stenders joke. Really like the skull, enjoy the surrealism of one of the characters being a skull for no real reason. More stoner comedy though. Couldn't realy follow the plot and not very funny. - No
Limbo - That's just f**king weird. I wasn't really sure what was going on but a few bits made me laugh "status: piece of shit" - MAYBE
Loxley - Very clunky dialogue. EG 'hint: thing' and it being DNA is funny, but there's a lot of redundant dialogue here though. 'Hint: Thing' is funny, you don't need someone to then explain that it's 'vague and irritating.' Good effort, you've tried to give characters a different voice which is really important. I want to be able to cover up the character names and know who's speaking and there were parts here I could do that. I'm not sure we need Simone. Seems a bit superfluous. Some nice swearing. Unfortunately though, not funny enough and dialogue doesn't feel particularly realistic. - NO
Making Heavy Weather - Don't like the setting, not really sure where you can go with that. I'd move them all off your spaceship to somewhere with a bit more scope because I liked your characters, I thought it was funny and the plot cracked along at a nice pace. I'd try and give the two leads more distinct personalities though - YES
Me and Mrs Jones - Like the relationship here, there's the basis of something solid in the two characters and their relationship. IT's way too reliant on dirty old (wo)man jokes though, far too course for me - NO
Mr Pipe - Is it a sitcom? Is it the start of a film? I don't know. Good enough plot, laughed, liked Mr Pipe. Two other characters bit too similar though, need to make them more distinct. Think you're on to somehting here though - YES
Murder - Not for me. Unpleasant. Your characters are all identical and I'm afraid it's not funny.
Shock Treatment - There's a few good lines in here but it seemed a bit rushed. I think it needs a few more edits and an ending, it looks like we're halfway through your story - NO
Moonstricken - 'Carlos Bronson over there decided to share me around like tapas!' is funny. Hmm, weird, weird weird. There are a few nice lines in here but you're making fun of mentally ill people. Sorry, that just can't work. Also, you want to have an actor shit themselved on stage. How's that going to work? - NO
Social - 'What if cats have their own internet and it's just full of pictures of us' - best line I've read all day, in fact I've just quoted it on Facebook so pick the irony out of that. Some sold funny stuff in here. Your characters seem
very similar though. I think you've got a good solid idea for a sitcom here, I'd make it less obsessively about social media though. Almost every line is social media based, give them a life apart from social media - YES
Stanburg - 'unauthorised autobiography of Alan Shearer - Hello, I'm Alan Shearer' - I'd buy it! Funny. What the hell was that though? I'm afraid I had no idea what was going on. I suspect it's all a bit Boosh/Reeves and Mortimer which is not an area of comedy I enjoy which could be why it didn't mean much to me - NO
Suburban Bohemia - Nice ending, enjoyed the final line. You've got a decent plot but I'm afraid I didn'#t find it very funny. - No
TAKE A PENNY LEAVE A PENNY - Nice setting Found it hard to figure out what was going on and it didn't make me laugh - NO
TFL EPISODE 1 - The characters are all the same. Too long, unstageable - NO
THE MOLECULE DUPLICATE - It's a decent enough story, could do with being funnier though but it's unstageable - NO
The Gaia centre - alright. Lead female is close to being a decent character, I'd play around with her a bit more make her more monstorous, but it's a bit harridan wife and hen-pecked husband. Not funny enough. - NO
MacArthurs and me - A bit rough around the edges, lots of jokes, the majority of which work pretty well. Good final line - MAYBE
The Offy - Black - I submitted this, I think it's funny with some decent characters. Good do with some more plot though - YES
The old LEgion - "Yeah, you were a lot quicker with your first two pints" - nice. The two old boys were good enough characters if too similar. Didn't like harridan wife though. Needs to be funnier - NO
The Space between - "Two words. CCTV." - great. Really liked this. Nice characters, pathos all over the place and funny - YES
The tragic life of Roger Bulwark - Fine. Some decent laughs and a good story, I'm saying there's potential here - YES
Three Moons - original, likeable characters. Nice. Gently funny. Quite sweet but not amazing - MAYBE
To Live or Die - Too many mispellings and punctuation problem make it hard to read. That said, there's been scripts that are spelt perfectly that were harder to read than this, but work on it because you want it as easy as possible for people to enjoy what you've written. It's a decent concept and easy to see a series come out of such an idea. As it stands though, it's got some decent jokes but your characters need to be more defined and consistent. - NO
Toil and Trouble - good stuff. Funny, nice characters. Good idea, plenty of scope for more - YES
Welliott Marsh and the Big Soak - Unstageable. "the process of strategic cannibalism" is funny. It's a nice, well written idea but I think you're in the wrong place - NO
Whitecoats - Nice, characters are a bit cliched though but some good funny lines - MAYBE
You've Missed a Bit - Characters too similar. I don't find their banter funny, but I suspect it may work for some people - NO