British Comedy Guide

Police Station Sketch

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Angry Bear

  • Thursday 13th October 2011, 10:00am [Edited]
  • Aberdeen, Scotland
  • 26 posts

INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

A POLICEMAN is sitting by the Desk at reception. A POSH MAN comes running in.

POSH MAN
I say! You there! I've just been robbed!

POLICEMAN
Excuse me sir?

POSH MAN
I've just been bloody well mugged! Right outside! I need your help!

POLICEMAN
Which service do you require?

POSH MAN
What?

POLICEMAN
Which service do you require, sir? Police, Fire or Ambulance?

POSH MAN
Is this a joke?

POLICEMAN
Well I should hope not sir or I'll have to charge you with wasting police time

POSH MAN
What the hell is wrong with you man!? Didn't you hear me!? I've just been robbed, I say! Right outside the station!

POLICEMAN
I am sorry sir. It's just protocol. I have to ask which service you need

POSH MAN
Well I want the police don't I!?

POLICEMAN
Do you sir?

POSH MAN
Yes!

POLICEMAN
Ok

The POLICEMAN ticks a box on his sheet of paper

POLICEMAN
And where would you like assistance sir?

POSH MAN
Where?

POLICEMAN
Yes, where?

POSH MAN
Well right bloody here, man! Where else?

POLICEMAN
I don't know sir. Where else?

POSH MAN
Nowhere else!

POLICEMAN
And where's here sir? Bell Street?

POSH MAN
Of course!

POLICEMAN
Okey dokey

The POLICEMAN ticks another box on his sheet

POSH MAN
What have you got there?

POLICEMAN
Just my sheet, sir. Just protocol

The POSH MAN walks over to the desk and looks over at the sheet of paper

POLICEMAN
Step away from the desk sir!

POSH MAN
I say! That's an emergency call sheet! I'm not on the bloody telephone, man! You're using the wrong sheet!

POLICEMAN
I am not!

POSH MAN
You bloody well are!

POLICEMAN
Sir, I'm a policeman! I'm an officer of the law and I know what I'm doing. I'm just following protocol! You just need to calm down and...

The POLICEMAN looks down at his sheet

POLICEMAN (continued)
...stay on the line!

POSH MAN
Stay on the line!? What bloody line!? I'm stood right in front of you, you ninny! You imbecile!

The POLICEMAN gets up and walks round towards the POSH MAN

POLICEMAN
I'll not be spoken to like that, sir! I'm an enforcer of the law!

A POLICE SEARGENT walks into the room

POLICE SEARGENT
What's all this racket? What's going on here!?

POSH MAN
Oh thank god! This man is an idiot! I've just been robbed!

POLICE SEARGENT
Robbed you say!?

POSH MAN
Yes! Robbed! And this man is asking me silly questions and wasting time! He's looking at the wrong bloody sheet!

POLICE SEARGENT
The wrong sheet you say?!

POSH MAN
Yes! The wrong bloody sheet!

POLICEMAN
I was just following protocol, sarge... then he started gobbing off...

POLICE SEARGENT
Shut up Jenkins!

The POLICE SEARGENT walks over to the desk and looks at the sheet

POLICE SEARGENT
Jenkins! You bloody idiot! You've buggered it up again haven't you!?

POSH MAN
I told him! The wrong bloody sheet!

POLICE SEARGENT
Red pen! Red bloody pen! You know you're not allowed to use red pen, Jenkins! Black pen! Always black pen!

POLICEMAN
Always black pen!

POSH MAN
What!?

POLICE SEARGENT
I'm so sorry sir! He's used the wrong pen! We'll have to start this again! What service do you want? Police, Fire or Ambulance?

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Lazzard

  • Thursday 13th October 2011, 12:01pm
  • Ludlow, England
  • 4,779 posts

Love the idea of the PC soldiering on, even though he's got the wrong form, could have done with getting to that point a little quicker so you could play with that a little more.
Ending's neat - could be a little sharper, maybe.
Nice.

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Angry Bear

  • Thursday 13th October 2011, 12:20pm
  • Aberdeen, Scotland
  • 26 posts

Yes, quite right. I see what you mean. I think I'll shorten the beggining and add some stuff to the end of it.

Thanks for your imput :)

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sootyj

  • Thursday 13th October 2011, 12:24pm
  • England
  • 51,287 posts

That's just plain excelent, I thought it was going to be long but it wasn't.

Very confident keeping it quite straight till the 2 punchlines.

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Will Cam

  • Thursday 13th October 2011, 2:02pm
  • England
  • 8,018 posts

One of the best sketches we have had on here for a while. Nice flow and would be great acted out. Send it in to 'Radio Rejects' it would be right up their street.

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Angry Bear

  • Thursday 13th October 2011, 3:01pm
  • Aberdeen, Scotland
  • 26 posts

Thanks a lot Will.

I think I'll do that and see what happens. I've never done anything like that before.

I just enjoy sitting around and laughing at my own jokes Laughing out loud

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Lazzard

  • Thursday 13th October 2011, 3:39pm [Edited]
  • Ludlow, England
  • 4,779 posts
Quote: Will Cam @ October 13 2011, 2:02 PM BST

One of the best sketches we have had on here for a while. Nice flow and would be great acted out. Send it in to 'Radio Rejects' it would be right up their street.


Echo this.
A good understated performance from the PC could really bring this to life.
BTW does the other bloke have to be posh?
It's not part of the idea is it? Just a frustrated, stressed-out guy, really.
I only say this because you wouldn't want it de-railed by a 'silly' posh voice
- know what I mean?
Good luck with this.

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Angry Bear

  • Thursday 13th October 2011, 3:59pm
  • Aberdeen, Scotland
  • 26 posts

I suppose he doesn't have to be posh. I was thinking along the lines of monty python. Why does no one talk like that anymore?

I'm completely flexible as long as it sounds good. Always open to new ideas. After all I'm a novice.

Thank you for your support though guys :D

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Will Cam

  • Sunday 9th December 2018, 10:06pm
  • England
  • 8,018 posts

Just bumping this as I came across it look8ng for something else and it was a really good sketch.

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Rood Eye

  • Monday 10th December 2018, 1:14am [Edited]
  • England
  • 4,103 posts

It needs trimming drastically to remove unnecessary dialogue but basically, it has the makings of a decent sketch.

We don't need the sergeant. We need only for the policeman to acknowledge that he is using the wrong sheet and, at the end, instead of all the red pen or black pen stuff, I'd rather go:

(The POLICEMAN brings out a new question sheet)

POLICEMAN: Now Sir, you're victim of crime. Do you require a) PCSOs b) a uniformed police officer c) CID or d) the Flying Squad a.k.a. "the Sweeney"?

MAN: I have absolutely no idea.

(The POLICEMAN looks down at the sheet and back up at the MAN)

POLICEMAN: You still have all your lifelines.

ENDS