British Comedy Guide

Some random jokes to be torn to shreds

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Aldeem

  • Wednesday 2nd March 2011, 6:10pm
  • SE London/Kent, England
  • 183 posts

When one comes into my head I occasionally tweet some funnies. Any good ones here?

Just had boiled egg with soldiers. F**k knows how I ended up in the army. I only went out for a couple of pints!

My friend just landed a job where he was told he could name his own salary. He's going to call his 'Dave'.

When I left school my careers advisor told me big things were in store for me. He was right - I ended up selling pianos

I'm always looking to question the status quo. That's just me. So I was a bit upset the other day when Francis Rossi told me to get off his land.

Doing a course on pest control. Today's the practical exam in getting rid of flies. Quietly confident - I've been up all night swatting

What do you call a pet that likes folk music but shies away from publicity? A nonny mouse.

My mate assaulted ten people at a bus stop. When asked why he said he had a bad back & someone suggested he try a queue puncher

Do you know if you find a washed up can on a beach and put it to your ear you can hear the sound of a bar?

I'm told Vanilla Ice hosts a TV home improvement show these days "Stop,collaborate & listen, Ice is back with a brand new extension"

There was a time in my life when all I had to wipe my bum with was newspaper. Needless to say, that paper round didn't last very long!

The age limit for jury service in Scotland's been removed."Do you find the defendant guilty or not guilty?" "Er, half past two"

My dad wasn't too keen on the obese or sexually deviant. I once heard him tell a neighbour that bi & large, people are selfish

My mum always says never trust anyone with a comb over. I told her to stop making sweeping generalisations

I got sacked for phone hacking once. You should have seen the mess the machete made of my colleague's handset though

What do you call someone from South Wales who's always in tears? Barry Cryer

Bloke down the pub told me a snooker ball in a sock makes a good weapon. The only trouble is, walking's bloody agony.

My local church has invested in a heated pool. I'm not sure I want my children swimming on religious grounds.

Can't believe people joked about the Chilean miners trapped thousands of feet underground. I mean, how much lower can you get?

A man arrested for plotting to train a falcon to attack Keith Richards & Mick Jagger has denied trying to kill 2 stones with 1 bird

I used to be a big fan of dad's army. The neighbours weren't so keen. Particularly when my father & his 'platoon' set up camp in their back garden

My ex was a cross dresser. Come to think of it she got pretty angry when she was getting undressed too

Got to my local video store just before it closed last night and asked 'Do you have Fargo?' 'No sir, I live right round the corner'.

My mum told me good things come to those who wait. I disagree. The hours are long, the pay's shit & our chef 'gobs' in the starters.

Football news-The Royal Ballet played the English National ballet at Wembley last night. A hard fought game, it ended in a tutu draw

I used to work at a tailors putting zips and/or buttons on trousers. Really dull. Spent all day asking 'would you like flies with that?

Up in Birmingham. I'm off to a 70s fancy dress party so popped into a shop & asked for a kipper tie. They brought me a cup of PG tips

Used to have a job making wedding cakes. It didn't go well at 1st as I only made basic 'one level' cakes. Inevitably, it all ended in tiers.

Grandad was proud of the small shop he ran. Each morning he'd cry "wizzywig" and we'd shout 'on your effing head you stupid old git'

Almost got a job as a labourer once, but on the morning of the interview I started bricking it

Had an interview the other day. Fingers crossed.They said they'd 'get back to me' & showed me the door,& a very nice door it was too!

I worked in a factory that made chess boards. Each week a man from wages came round, handed me an envelope and said 'cheque, mate'

Got myself a life coach. He said the outlook's grim & I should cut my cloth accordingly. As of today I'm wearing a thong & a flat cap

Had an email asking if I wanted to 'bang all night'? I replied 'no, I did that last Thursday when the neighbours refused to turn their music down'

I got a job at an accountants. I'd only been there a couple of days when the boss called me in and told me my days were numbered

I used to be a graffiti artist. Didn't really enjoy it though. In fact the writing was on the wall from day one.

I used to work as an Animator - a right Mickey Mouse job that was

I went to blockbusters & asked if they had planes, trains & automobiles."No sir, we're a video store

Blue Tac, Stuck up or what?

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Doctor Chutney

  • Wednesday 2nd March 2011, 10:34pm
  • Norwich, England
  • 24 posts
Quote: Aldeem @ March 2 2011, 6:10 PM GMT

Just had boiled egg with soldiers. F**k knows how I ended up in the army. I only went out for a couple of pints!

Doing a course on pest control. Today's the practical exam in getting rid of flies. Quietly confident - I've been up all night swatting

There was a time in my life when all I had to wipe my bum with was newspaper. Needless to say, that paper round didn't last very long!

My dad wasn't too keen on the obese or sexually deviant. I once heard him tell a neighbour that bi & large, people are selfish

My mum told me good things come to those who wait. I disagree. The hours are long, the pay's shit & our chef 'gobs' in the starters.

Up in Birmingham. I'm off to a 70s fancy dress party so popped into a shop & asked for a kipper tie. They brought me a cup of PG tips


It was some your earlier ones that did it for me. Wasn't so keen on the second half. Bi and large I liked in particular, and kipper tie was clever.

I love fun with puns, and fun with the English language in general. I find it easy enough to think of the key words or phrases, but shaping a joke from them that doesn't sound like something out of a cracker is the hard bit.

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Agnes Guano

  • Wednesday 2nd March 2011, 10:46pm
  • Tediumcester, England
  • 541 posts

I think you have some very good ideas, I don't know if you tell these jokes yourself but a lot would depend on the delivery. Milton Jones is a master of the art form if you need inspiration.

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Stephen Birch

  • Thursday 3rd March 2011, 8:40am
  • MURCIA, Spain
  • 655 posts

Some vey nice work amongst that lot. Made me laugh and brightened my morning. Thanks.

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Tony Cowards

  • Thursday 3rd March 2011, 9:26am
  • Wiltshire, England
  • 1,762 posts

Some nice jokes in there (although a few have been done before, always a danger with one-liners).

What I would say though is try to boil down the essence of the joke into as few words as possible (which, in fairness, you have generally done), any word which doesn't need to be there, ditch it.

Also the "punch" words need to be at the very end if at all possible.

e.g. I used to be a graffiti artist. Didn't really enjoy it though. In fact the writing was on the wall from day one.

Should be something like;

I was a graffiti artist. Didn't enjoy it though, from day one the writing was on the wall.

Oh and lastly, the "Kipper Tie" joke is as old as the kipper tie itself (and the wedding cake "it'll end in tiers" is a best man's staple joke which probably dates back to the wedding of Adam and Eve!).
.

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Agnes Guano

  • Thursday 3rd March 2011, 9:28am
  • Tediumcester, England
  • 541 posts

And Tim Vine of course. I'm sure you have your own style but no harm in learning from the best.

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John Owen Jones

  • Thursday 3rd March 2011, 10:45am
  • Porthmadog, Wales
  • 83 posts

I liked some of these! :D

I'm not that experienced but I would say to hide whats coming more. I could see some of the punchlines coming from a mile away (like the cross dresser one).

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Aldeem

  • Thursday 3rd March 2011, 3:53pm
  • SE London/Kent, England
  • 183 posts

Thanks for the feedback folks. I'm not totally demoralised after that very fair critique! :-)

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Jerf Roberwitz

  • Friday 4th March 2011, 9:33pm
  • Fleet, England
  • 592 posts

Wish I could do that ,shows a very inventive mind,I've printed them off,
some of them may appear in my sit-com.