SCENE : OUTSIDE A DOOR, A MOTHER IS TALKING TO HER SON THROUGH THE DOOR OVER THE NOISE OF A VACUUM CLEANER

MOTHER
Are you done with the vacuum cleaner yet?

SON
...No

MOTHER
You've been using it for over an hour now, I'm sure your room is clean by now

SON
(agitatedly) I'm not finished-ah

MOTHER
Look I'm coming in, in 10, 9, 8...

SON
No! Don't come in!

MOTHER
6, 5, 4...

SOUND OF VACUUM CLEANER STOPS

MOTHER
3, 2, 1

MOTHER STEPS INTO THE ROOM, THE ROOM IS SPOTLESS, ALMOST CLINICAL. A VERY SMARTLY DRESSED, CLEAN TEENAGER IS STOOD THERE. THE KID IS CLEARLY OCD

SON
I told you I wasn't finished! Now I'm going to have to start again!

(This is one of the ideas I have for me and a few friends, to start doing sketches to put on the Tube of You)

It would have been funnier to read a third punchline we wouldn't be expecting because at the moment this sketch is setup to go either two ways, he's pleasuring himself, or he's really cleaning. The writing is good and clear but I don't feel like I've seen a new idea.

That's exclent and works as is.

Of course the twist punch could be he is actually using something improbable such as a metronome for wanking purposes.

Oh and welcome am liking your shit.

Nice idea. The only bit I'm not sure of is how you convey that he is 'clearly' OCD to the viewer. Maybe something in the end line to say his mum has ruined it? I dunno.

Cheers for the lovely comments. Glad you like my "shit" sootyj, I'm going to avoid any scatological comments now, and instead just post a little idea I had to add an extra twist on this script thingummy.

EDIT : Yeah, that doesn't work, no point reading through loads of the same guff.

Quote: Badge @ January 23 2011, 4:33 PM GMT

Nice idea. The only bit I'm not sure of is how you convey that he is 'clearly' OCD to the viewer. Maybe something in the end line to say his mum has ruined it? I dunno.

View original

A VERY SMARTLY DRESSED, CLEAN TEENAGER IS STOOD THERE

Also, maybe she could bring in a speck of dirt, that could be zoomed in on

Doesnt work.

Has he been watching porn while cleaning? Thats kinda peculair but doesn't follow the rest of the sketch

Prefer it without the extra bit.

Good point. Well made. I'll leave it how it is hahah

Maybe the vacuum cleaner could be like a Dyson and you can see loads of crusty tissues in the barrel bit.

If you want a twist maybe the mum is left frustrated because she wants to use a Hoover part herself.

Quote: Badge @ January 23 2011, 4:51 PM GMT

If you want a twist maybe the mum is left frustrated because she wants to use a Hoover part herself.

View original

Disgusting!

Seems a bit obvious, as soon as you start reading you assume he doesn't have it on his dick and is instead actually using it to clean; that being the case there has to be a more unexpected outcome when Mum opens the door otherwise you don't really have a sketch.

Could he be sucking off the hoover? *strokes chin*

What the Stott said. It's no shock that he's not self pleasuring. The reveal doesn't confound our expectations, so it doesn't work. Not sure what to suggest to help.

I fear Henry's are so cute you'd need their cosnent before masturbating with one, lest you get done for rape.