British Comedy Guide

By Special Request: Bushbaby's Own Special Satire

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Ming the Mirthless

  • Sunday 10th October 2010, 10:08pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 368 posts
Quote: bushbaby @ October 10 2010, 6:13 PM BST

I'd be very flattered if someone did a satirical sketch about me LOL


Scene 1: A Supermarket Checkout Row. Interior. Day.
AS VARIOUS SHOPPERS ARE CHECKING OUT, A TROLLEY COMES INTO VIEW IN THE DISTANCE AND CONTINUES MOVING TOWARDS CAMERA.

IT IS PILED 6 OR 7 FEET HIGH WITH WINES AND SPIRITS AND WOBBLING PRECARIOUSLY AS IT TRUNDLES ONWARD TOWARDS CAMERA.

CUSTOMERS ARE STEPPING QUICKLY OUT OF ITS WAY AS IT VEERS ONE WAY THEN ANOTHER AS IT APPROACHES.

OUR POINT OF VIEW MOVES QUICKLY TOWARDS THE ONCOMING TROLLEY AND SUDDENLY CUTS TO A SIDE VIEW OF THE TROLLEY AND ITS PUSHER.

WE SEE THE PUSHER IS A SPRITELY BLONDE LADY OF MATURE YEARS

A BURLY MAN LEAPS FOR SAFETY WITH A BARELY-SUPRESSED CURSE.

BUSHBABY (FOR IT IS SHE):
Sorry Love. (INFORMATIVELY) I'm 84, you know.

ANOTHER MAN JUMPS OUT OF THE WAY, SLIPS AND LANDS ON THE FLOOR

BUSHBABY:
I'm so sorry. You're not hurt are, you? (INFORMATIVELY) They're having a 2-for 1 on Baileys. Or it might be a 3-for 2. Or a . . .

CUT TO A LOOK OF HORROR ON THE MAN'S FACE

CUT TO SHOW THE MOUNTAIN OF BOTTLES SLIPPING AND FALLING TOWARDS BUSHBABY.

CUT TO SHOW A LOOK OF HORROR ON BUSHBABY'S FACE

CUT TO BLACK

SFX: HORRIBLE CRUNCHING CRASH

SFX: AMBULANCE SIREN.

Scene 2. A Hospital Corridor. Interior. Day.
Numerous patients line both walls. Some are standing, some are in wheelchairs and some are lying on trolleys.

AS OUR P.O.V. MOVES STEADILY ALONG THE CORRIDOR, WE HEAR MANY ASSORTED GRUMBLES ABOUT THE WAIT FOR ATTENTION.

AFTER A FEW SECONDS, THE COMPLAINTS DIE DOWN AND EVENTUALLY WE SEE PATIENTS DRINKING FROM PAPER CUPS IN CHATTING AND JOKING AMIABLY.

AMONG THE HAPPY THRONG WE SEE BUSHBABY SITTING UP ON A HOSPITAL TROLLEY.

SHE'S POURING DRINKS FROM A WINE BOTTLE AS VERY CHEERFUL PATIENTS HOLD OUT THEIR PAPER CUPS.

AS THE BOTTLE RUNS DRY, SHE DROPS IT INTO A NEARBY BIN AND PRODUCES ANOTHER BOTTLE FROM UNDER HER COAT.

BUSHBABY (SHOUTS): Who's got that corkscrew?

A MAN WITH A CRUTCH UNDER ONE ARM APPEARS WAVING A PEN-KNIFE WITH A CORKSCREW ATTACHMENT.

MATRON (OUT OF VISON):
What the . . . ? What's going on here?

A MATRON APPEARS WITH TWO NURSES AS THE PATIENTS SCATTER BACK TO THE QUEUES ALONG EITHER WALL.

SHE POINTS TO BUSHBABY

MATRON (CONT):
Get this patient into a side ward immediately!

SCENE 3: A Hospital Side Ward. Interior. Day
A SINGLE BED STANDS IN THE ROOM. THERE IS SILENCE AS A DOCTOR ENTERS AND APPROACHES A FIGURE ASLEEP IN THE BED.

HE STUDIES VARIOUS CHARTS AND INSTRUMENTS BEFORE HIS ATTENTION IS DRAWN TO THE DRIP BY THE SIDE OF THE BED.

HE LOOKS AT THE LIQUID-CONTAINING BAG AND DISCOVERS IT IS, IN FACT, AN INVERTED WINE BOTTLE.

A TUBE RUNS FROM THE BOTTLE'S CORK, DOWN THE STAND, INTO THE BEDCLOTHES AND UNDER THE SHOULDER OF THE PATIENT, WHO IS FACING AWAY FROM THE DOCTOR.

HE MOVES AROUND THE BED AND SEES THAT THE TUBE EMERGES BY THE PATIENT'S FACE AND LEADS INTO HER MOUTH.

WE SEE THE PATIENT IS BUSHBABY.

THE DOCTOR, FROM CLOSE RANGE, EYES THE APPARENTLY-SLEEPING BUSHBABY STERNLY AND CONTINUALLY

AFTER A FEW SECONDS, SHE SLOWLY OPENS ONE EYE

GENTLY BUT FIRMLY THE DOCTOR REMOVES THE DRIP LINE FROM HER MOUTH

BUSHBABY (INFORMATIVELY):
I'm 84, you know.

ENDS.

Author's note: Bushbaby is not really 84.

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bushbaby

  • Sunday 10th October 2010, 11:14pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 3,500 posts

:D :D :D :D :D fab and soooooooooooo me hahahaha. God help me if there is one.
That is spot on Ming, I don't know how you do it but I say this....I drink/smoke my head off but there's a date for being born and a date for dying and not one of us can alter/stop either. If it's your date for dying, you'll die regardless. Some are afraid of flying and I say this, if you fly and the plane comes down, it was your date for dying. If you didn't take the flight out of fear, you will still die of a heart attack or a stroke that day because it is your date for dying. So live each day folks as if it's your last....I do and just love my life.
But I'll still die when it's my date, regardless

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AngieBaby

  • Sunday 10th October 2010, 11:32pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 3,247 posts

Awwww... That was really sweet, and funny too. I can see Bushbaby as being a runner on Mitchell & Webb, if one of them was an adorable 84 year old lady.

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Ponderer

  • Monday 11th October 2010, 12:50pm
  • England
  • 696 posts
Quote: bushbaby @ October 10 2010, 11:14 PM BST :D

:D :D :D :D fab and soooooooooooo me hahahaha. God help me if there is one.
That is spot on Ming, I don't know how you do it but I say this....I drink/smoke my head off but there's a date for being born and a date for dying and not one of us can alter/stop either. If it's your date for dying, you'll die regardless. Some are afraid of flying and I say this, if you fly and the plane comes down, it was your date for dying. If you didn't take the flight out of fear, you will still die of a heart attack or a stroke that day because it is your date for dying. So live each day folks as if it's your last....I do and just love my life.
But I'll still die when it's my date, regardless


That's one in the eye for all them so-called doctors with their danged 'cause and effect' nonsense!

Bushbaby, I'm not sure 'Final Destination' was meant to be taken seriously as a philosophical treatise.

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bushbaby

  • Monday 11th October 2010, 11:52pm
  • England
  • 3,500 posts
Quote: Ponderer @ October 11 2010, 12:50 PM BST

That's one in the eye for all them so-called doctors with their danged 'cause and effect' nonsense!

Bushbaby, I'm not sure 'Final Destination' was meant to be taken seriously as a philosophical treatise.


I know, it's just me pappin' on when I've had a bottle :D

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bushbaby

  • Saturday 6th January 2018, 8:56pm
  • England
  • 3,500 posts

Wow thats some time ago ????????

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bushbaby

  • Tuesday 24th March 2020, 9:35pm
  • England
  • 3,500 posts

How time flies. I don't drink very much these days, I'm not 84 yet ????

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Will Cam

  • Tuesday 24th March 2020, 9:50pm
  • England
  • 7,997 posts

Hey Bushbaby, nice to see you back. Is it just a flying visit?

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bushbaby

  • Wednesday 25th March 2020, 6:46am
  • England
  • 3,500 posts

Thank you, I look in now and then but I haven't written anything for years

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 27th March 2020, 1:20pm [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,077 posts

You're back.
Yes, I brought it with me.

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bushbaby

  • Friday 27th March 2020, 1:37pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 3,500 posts

Brought what with you ???? BTW ya'll I don't drink or smoke now......seriously

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Rood Eye

  • Friday 27th March 2020, 2:09pm
  • England
  • 4,103 posts
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 27th March 2020, 1:20 PM

You're back.
Yes, I brought it with me.

Quote: bushbaby @ 27th March 2020, 1:37 PM

Brought what with you ????

I think Michael's joke is based upon the fact that when someone says "You're back", it sounds exactly the same as "Your back".

Hence, the imaginary scene is that Michael has just met somebody who has apparently mentioned his back and Michael has replied "Yes, I brought it with me".

To Michael, his back is very much his American Express card: he never leaves home without it.

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Chappers

  • Friday 27th March 2020, 10:22pm
  • Surreyish., England
  • 30,994 posts
Quote: bushbaby @ 27th March 2020, 2:18 PM

Oh ok

:)
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 27th March 2020, 5:17 PM

Worth It.

:O