Anyway, me and Firkin along with a few other geezers was 'avin a quick shandy in the 'tuppence lickers arms' When Firkin announces he is "in women's underwear," On;y no one had asked him about his line of work...
Makes you think dunnit...?
Playfull's nickname on the BCG is the 'thread killer'. Once he has posted on a thread it is usually doomed to plummet down the Active Threads page then fall away to internet oblivion. Mark and Arron have tried on several occasions to get him to stop posting but to no avail. "We have tried to point him towards other forums but he keeps on coming back" Mark lamented. "We are running out of members as well as threads," Arron said. "Playfull is the last poster on over 97% of dormant threads." he added.
In a last attempt to save the BCG They have paid Michael Monkhouse to distract playfull to an elaborately faked 'skit competition, in a quiet corner of the vast BCG site. So far it looks like it might be working, playfull has no idea that the other posters are all inventions of Michael.'s fertile imagination...
Playful believes the Corona virus is a new, fairer religion, where men and women both wear veils have restrictions on their diet and are both excluded from lots of fun things.
Corona Virus latest - Firkin has asked kaspersky for a refund.
Playfull snorts washing powder because injecting bleach didn't work.
Firkin consists entirely of manhole covers.
Chipolata invented a new letter to go between D and E. He described it as "A sort of embarrassed 'K' with a hint of strawberry". Funding was not forthcoming so the project has been mothballed and put in a ziplock bag in the fridge.
Tiggy has taken the opportunity of lock-down to full fill a lifetimes ambition of getting his name in the Guinness book of records. He has changed his name by deed poll to 'page 9'
When playfull punched a hedgehog his friends all laughed. Since then he's punched loads of animals.
Firkins latest commercial venture 'hedghog fight club' has just folded. Mainly because of the fact that the first rule of hedgehog fight club is 'no one talks about hedgehog fight club'. That basically did for any promotion or advertising...
Playfull invented a breakfast cereal aimed at comedians - 'A-muesli' (see what he did there). He intended to take it to the Edinburgh festival this year as part of his 'One Man - One Testicle Show'. Unfortunately Tim Vine (don't be fooled by the nice guy act) found out and in order to not have attention diverted from him, he asked Cannon & Ball to come up with a stupefying agent he could administer via the post.
Unfortunately Cannon & Ball had a bit of a swindle going on and whenever a bitter comedian or evil dictator (you spot the difference) hired them in such manner they would sub-contract out to Les Dennis. Now everyone knows that Les Dennis can't read any word with an 'i' in it, so not surprisingly he f**ked it up and inadvertently created Covid19. In a panic he called his ex-wife Amanda Holden (her with the nice fronties) to seek her advice. She was busy at the time washing David Walliams from Simon Cowell so told him the first thing that came into her head:
"Go to China and find a cave full of bats. Feed the Covid19 to them to get rid of it - simple"
Playfull found out about this from the comedian snitch Ted Bovis. He was going to tell the World Health Orginisation but to get back at Tim Vine he didn't bother his arse. So let's all blame Playfull for our isolation.
*disclaimer. I ate a very strong cheese before going to bed last night so there is an outside chance that I dreamt all this.
*further disclaimer - this account is also very similar to Series 3, Episode 12 of Tales of the Unexpected - the one where Hannah Gordon gets her norks out.
In order to supplement his income during the Covid -19 crisis Will Cam recently bought 200 tiny boxing gloves from a classified add on the BCG bring and buy thread. He intended to export these for a 500% markup to a country that he saw on a recent travel documentary cartoon - Lilliput.
Then in an astonishing piece of luck a man that will got talking too in a pub turned out to be in charge of supplying import licences to Lilliput, and he just happened to have one in his car! Luckily the licence cost the exact amount Will had left in his trouser pockets.
After waiting a few hours, with no sign of the man, Will thought he ought to get on and check shipping costs. It then came as a great shock to discover that Lilliput was classified as an imaginary country by the Post Office and as such his parcel would take from three days to infinity to be delivered (longer if delivered by drone), and cost an amount north of £5,000.
Playfull's rodent boxing glove company fell by the way. In its place came squirrel bare knuckle fighting and ultimate bird cage fighting. Upset, Playfull tried to implicate Will Cam and Firkin in his illicit fights. But as Will Cam was a pretend high ranking officer, the Police raided Playfull's house and planted over 300 nude photos of hedgehogs. But plucky Playfull bounced back with a new, on trend business idea. Covid-19 masks for peacocks, that should stop the spread.
Firkin has started a campaign against redundant phrases. The first phrase he has his sights on is -
"There are more questions than answers". Of course there are he points out. It goes without saying you cant have more answers than questions, that would be...oh, hang on a minute, if it goes with out saying then it is redundant as well...bugger...
Since he left that day with the two men in white coats, playfull is, so I've been told, so much happier and spends most of his day colouring in and cutting out.
