British Comedy Guide

Larkin was right

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Ishy

  • Friday 23rd July 2010, 10:20pm
  • Shrewsbury, United Kingdom
  • 350 posts

1. INT: LIVING ROOM
A FATHER IS SITTING TALKING TO HIS ATTENTIVE SON

FATHER
Right lets do this again. One nine is nine, two nines are eighteen, three nines are forty two, four nines are fifty, five nines are thirty six and ten nines are fifty. Write it down.

FADE

2. INT: LIVING ROOM

FATHER
Ah Geography. I used to love this at school. Here look at this.
HE FISHES IN HIS POCKET AND SHOWS A COMPASS TO HIS SON

FATHER
It's a compass, you can use it for finding your way if you've got a map. Let me show you an easy method of remembering the points.
HE POINTS HIS HAND FORWARDS AND CONTINUES TO POINT AROUND THE COMPASS WITH EACH WORD

FATHER
Never - Liked - Weet - A Bix. Write it down.

FADE

3. INT: LIVING ROOM

THE FATHER IS HOLDING UP A SOLAR SYSTEM CHART AND HUMMING THE STAR TREK THEME

FATHER
The Sun, then Mercury, then Venus, Earth, Mars, Milk Way, Galaxy, Star Bar and finally Bluto. Write it down.

FADE

4. INT: LIVING ROOM

THE SON IS LOOKING SAD. THE FATHER HAS HIS ARM AROUND HIM

FATHER
Come on cheer up matey. Listen, here's what my dad used to sing to me whenever I was glum.

THE FATHER STARTS A SONG WITH A LULLABY INTONATION IN HIS VOICE

FATHER
I see a cat, the cat sees me
HE MIMES PEERING UP A TREE

FATHER
Cleaning himself in our apple tree
HE LOOKS UP IN DISGUST AND THEN SHAKES HIS FIST AT THE CEILING

FATHER
I shake the tree, and he falls from up on high
HE MIMES SHAKING THE TREE

FATHER
And I beat him with my spade screaming DIE CAT DIE
HE GOES INTO A FRENZY MIMING BEATING THE CAT. HIS SON STARES ON OPEN MOUTHED. THE FATHER COLLAPSES ON THE FLOOR SOBBING.

FATHER
Jesus. Don't write it down. Please don't write it down.

FADE

INT 5: KITCHEN. THE FATHER SEES HIS SON WALKING IN CRYING AND HANDING HIS FATHER A REPORT

FATHER
Hello son, lets have a look.

THE FATHER STUDIES THE REPORT AND SMILES

FATHER
D for delightful, E for excellent. Wow, you've got an F for fantastic. Well done son. Come on, lets watch the football.

HE PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HIS SON

FATHER
Did you know Churchill invented football during the Crimean War. It was originally played with a square ball.

FADE

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sootyj

  • Friday 23rd July 2010, 10:26pm
  • England
  • 51,287 posts

ingenius and funny I like the lowkey ending

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Larkin

  • Saturday 24th July 2010, 12:42am
  • England
  • 85 posts

It deepens like a coastal shelf. :)

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Bomsh

  • Saturday 24th July 2010, 1:13am
  • England
  • 315 posts

To be brutally honest ... I liked this a lot - like very alot.

Proper involuntary smiles and chuckles.

Trouble is, if someone asked why, I really wouldn't be able to tell them. I wouldn't even know where to start.

But I definitely liked it a lot.

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Will Cam

  • Saturday 24th July 2010, 8:25am [Edited]
  • England
  • 8,018 posts

This made me laugh out loud. Because you have the great Terry Thomas as your Avatar I pictured him as the father. The lines suit his lugubrious 'I always know what I am doing' style. I would recommend others do the same. I think the key to this being so funny is that the lack of knowledge the father displays is exaggerated , but not so much that it would be totally unbelievable. The repeat line 'write it down' works very well and the rhyme about the cat is hilarious.

Laughing out loud

Laughing out loud

Top of the class for you young fella.

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Kenneth

  • Saturday 24th July 2010, 8:41am
  • Australia
  • 5,426 posts
Quote: Will Cam @ July 24 2010, 8:25 AM BST

Because you have the great Terry Thomas as your Avatar I pictured him as the father.


Same. The title is a reference to Philip Larkin's poem This Be The Verse?

Quote: Larkin @ July 24 2010, 12:42 AM BST

It deepens like a coastal shelf. :)


Ah, obviously!

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Will Cam

  • Saturday 24th July 2010, 9:19am
  • England
  • 8,018 posts

But did you like it Kenneth?

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Kenneth

  • Saturday 24th July 2010, 9:28am
  • Australia
  • 5,426 posts

Yes, it prompted me to dig out the old Cook & Moore sketches, 'Father and Son' and 'The Facts of Life'.

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Ishy

  • Saturday 24th July 2010, 10:35am
  • Shrewsbury, United Kingdom
  • 350 posts

Hi everyone, thanks for the kind words, glad you enjoyed it.

I going to try to write something about a large family set in a rural idyl next. Perhaps where the dad is involved in lots of money making scams :)

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BardManners

  • Tuesday 3rd August 2010, 1:19am
  • England
  • 105 posts

Haha. There was something tragic about this and funny. I spose the advantage of spade homicide is a quick buriel after. Waiting for rural idyl.

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Will Cam

  • Monday 13th December 2010, 11:10am
  • England
  • 8,018 posts

I am bumping this as it is my proposal for BCG sketch of the year. Having read it again for the first time since it was first aired, I still find it as laugh out loud as ever.

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AngieBaby

  • Thursday 16th December 2010, 10:42pm
  • England
  • 3,247 posts

I'm glad you bumped this Will, I missed it the first time and it's a good 'un.