Very funny!

Hi

Now I heard this joke about 15 years ago where it origanates from I could not tell you, it would be interesting to know if anybody has heard it before:

An old lady comes home from shopping, in the large garden in front of her house there is a big oak tree and in this oak tree there is a gurilla, she runs into the house and phones the local zoo, asking them if they are missing a guerilla, after a quick investigation the zoo keper comes onto the phone to say there large black male guerilla is missing and for her to stay indoors with the windows and doors locked untill he arrives.

5 - 10 minutes there a knock on the door and the old lady opens the door to see the zoo keeper standing there with a net over one arm, a shoot gun over the other and a small terrier by his feet.

He sais to the old lady, if you do not mind I will require your assistance, ok she sais, right here is the plan, I will go up the tree and shake the branch the guerilla is on, he will fall to the ground and the terrier here will swiftley bite him in the knackers where by you will throw the net over him.

The old lady nodds her head and turns to the zoo keeper, and what is the gun for? well he sais, if I fall out of the tree first shoot the f**king dog....

Sorry - edited. Should point out this is to be read in a Yorkshire accent.

"Mum - what's fornication?"

"Where did you learn a word like that?"

"The vicar at the fete."

"The vioar?"

"That's right."

"What exactly did he say?"

"It's lucky the weather held out fornication like this."

Quote: youngian @ June 17 2010, 1:11 PM BST

And wasn't Bob known as 'the Thief of Badgags'

View original

Not so sure about that.

When I told them I wanted to be a comedian, they laughed... well their not laughing now. - Bob Monkhouse

How many ears has Mr Spock got?

Three.

A right ear, a left ear and a final frontier.

Quote: Oldrocker @ July 17 2010, 5:44 PM BST

How many ears has Mr Spock got?

Three.

A right ear, a left ear and a final frontier.

View original

Just like Davey Crockett. His third ear though was the wild front ear. He was king of it.

My favourite oldie is from Dave Allen and the reception I got in the playground retelling it was awesome.

Little Billy was only 6 but a bit of a swearer. It was always 'f*cking this and b*stard that', swearing constantly. One day he was invited to a birthday party and his Dad says 'If you get sent home from that party for swearing I will kill you, boy'

'No, Dad' Billy says 'I promise, promise I won't swear.' so Billy walks off to the party.

30 minutes later his Dad is digging the garden and he sees Billy walking dejectedly back along the the street and Billy's Dad says 'the little bastard, he's swore at that party and been sent home, I'll kill'im'

So he leaps the wall, runs along the street, grabs Billy and begins to spank the small boy with his spade (in a totally un-PC manner).

Billy's dad is shouting 'You little bastard, I told to not to f**king swear at that f**king party and you've been sent home f**king early for swearing, you little shite'

Through tear-filled eyes, little Billy sobs 'No, Dad. The f**king party's tomorrow!'

Wey hey!
Cheggers here!
Just browsing.