British Comedy Guide

A real quickie sketch

Avatar

Tony Cowards

  • Tuesday 2nd March 2010, 11:23am
  • Wiltshire, England
  • 1,762 posts

SCENE - A man running around the outside of a house with a vacuum cleaner.

WOMAN (shouting from an upstairs window) - Tony, what on Earth are you doing, my parents will be here any minute?

TONY - Well you said you wanted me to run round the house with the hoover.

Avatar

SlagA

  • Tuesday 2nd March 2010, 5:33pm
  • Blackwood, Wales
  • 5,335 posts

For a pun it's not bad, incredibly short, and a nice visual but it will be a bit of a groaner. Although a mix of these aren't a bad thing to have imo.

AvatarBCG Supporter

Will Cam

  • Tuesday 2nd March 2010, 10:53pm
  • England
  • 8,043 posts

I liked this Tony but the punchline could be tighter IMHO - "You said to run round the house with the hoover".

Instead of him frantically running round he could be in slow-mo with the hoover beside him whilst Chariots of Fire plays. Not that I know my arse from my arm joint.

Avatar

ShoePie

  • Tuesday 2nd March 2010, 11:27pm [Edited]
  • Swindon, England
  • 1,645 posts

I think it would work better the other way round. First thing woman says is "Quickly run round the house with the hoover would you?". Bloke thinnks about it... says "alright" and then cut to the shot of him doing it.

The visual for me is funnier than the explanation/pun.

Avatar

Tony Cowards

  • Wednesday 3rd March 2010, 12:52am
  • Wiltshire, England
  • 1,762 posts
Quote: ShoePie @ March 2 2010, 11:27 PM GMT

I think it would work better the other way round. First thing woman says is "Quickly run round the house with the hoover would you?". Bloke thinnks about it... says "alright" and then cut to the shot of him doing it.

The visual for me is funnier than the explanation/pun.


Yes, definitely think this way round is better, cheers everyone.

Avatar

Badge

  • Wednesday 3rd March 2010, 12:52am
  • London, England
  • 9,490 posts

Adding another re write to your sketch: I'd have woman with friend in living room. Husband speeds by window at intervals accompanied by hoover sound. Friend increasingly puzzled. Woman nonchanantly explains. Friend satisfied.

AvatarBCG Supporter

Will Cam

  • Saturday 26th January 2019, 12:53pm
  • England
  • 8,043 posts

Well that's the strangest bump of a thread for a while.