SCENE 1. INT. EMMA'S BEDROOM-DAY 1 [10.00]

EMMA IS SITTING UP IN BED.

ROGER IS FACING AWAY FROM EMMA AND IS JUST WAKING UP, HE LOOKS VERY CONFUSED BECAUSE HE HASN'T A CLUE WHERE HE IS.
ROGER THEN TURNS SLOWLY TOWARDS EMMA DREADING WHAT HE MAY SEE.

ROGER:
Oh my God you're beautiful, what a relief. Did we (PAUSE) you know?

EMMA:
Sorry, not much I can do with a three and a half inch floppy, apart from shove it into my PC, but then again don't want to run the risk of getting a virus.

ROGER:
What a charming individual you are, how many times have you used that line?

EMMA:
Either you're calling me a slag, or suggesting the entire town can't get it up? Mr Floppy.

ROGER:
I just woke up in your bed, don't know how I got here, don't know who you are, how do I know you didn't drug me and drag me back here to perform wild sex fantasies on me?

EMMA LIFTS THE DUVET TO GIVE ROGER A GOOD LOOK AT HER.

EMMA:
Do I look like the sort of person who needs to drug men? Wow that's a good trick, naught to six in one and a half seconds, you're in the pole position, c'mon Schumacher lets do a lap.

It's hard to gauge much from just an opening scene but at the moment the main source of the comedy, Emma, is very irritating to me. On first (brief) impressions she's edging precariously close to being a writers ideal of a female character rather than a female character (she's quick-witted, sexy, fun-loving, feisty etc)and she reads, to me, as artifical.

I'm afraid that impaired the comedy for me a little.

Thanks for the feedback, she isn't the main character though and she does have some of the attributes you mentioned, although aggresive and offensive are main attributes as well as sexy of course. Suppose you could say she's the one you love to hate.

Thanks for posting (re. my suggestion on your collab thread)
This is good stuff. It's not hard for me to gauge that this is great comedy. It made me laugh. Best I've seen on here so far. I want to see more....

I agree with evelynblake. At the moment it's no more than a conversation you'd hear, as you pass someone in the street.

Could you post more, so we have something better to judge it on?

Kind of agree with evelyn in that Emma seems a little unrealistic. However, I do like the character, it's just more her dialogue that's ruining it. I think what you need to do is cut back a little on her puns. For example:

EMMA:
Sorry, not much I can do with a three and a half inch floppy, apart from shove it into my PC, but then again don't want to run the risk of getting a virus.

I would just leave it at:

EMMA:
Sorry, not much I can do with a three and a half inch floppy, apart from shove it into my PC.

Same with her last line aswell. I feel you're trying to pack a bit too much in there. There is definitely some promise here though so good work and it is funny, I would just suggest toning it down a bit.

Hope that helps!

Personally, I think it may fall down at the "floppy disk" reference. Sure they're still being used by some people, but it's not as cutting edge, as a joke could be.

Why is there so much reference to PCs anyway? Is one of the a nerd? If they were, my first point is even more relevant.

Very difficult to judge on one scene, granted. I didn't really like the banter in this scene. Emma is too witty. But that's my personal taste in comedy, I'm not keen on wise-cracks.

Quote: Leevil @ July 3 2009, 2:11 PM BST

Personally, I think it may fall down at the "floppy disk" reference. Sure they're still being used by some people, but it's not as cutting edge, as a joke could be.

Why is there so much reference to PCs anyway? Is one of the a nerd? If they were, my first point is even more relevant.

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Maybe update the Schumacher? reference too.