Myself and Dan Pearce have written and shot a sitcom pilot entitled 'Back to Class' - Thank You For The Music which is now online on YouTube, Funny or Die UK and Vimeo. We have already sent the pilot on DVD with the script and outline for a series to various production companies with a some good earlier responses so far. I wanted the writers on here to take a look and give me and my co-writer some useful feedback.

Part One (YouTube) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8NjuMHg1BxM
Part Two (YouTube) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JVOE1LnQdFc

Part One (Funny or Die UK) http://www.funnyordie.co.uk/videos/123dff048e/back-to-class-thank-you-for-the-music-part-one
Part Two (Funny or Die UK) http://www.funnyordie.co.uk/videos/1b5ec3e7ea/back-to-class-thank-you-for-the-music-part-two

(Vimeo) http://vimeo.com/5237491

This should be in Critique really.

I found myself able to watch this, which is more than I expected from a homebrew sitcom, but I found it quite uneven. The musician character is very much in the style of The Office (the lad even sounds like Gervais), and delivers some laughs in that vein; the ex-army character seems a bit displaced, and those sections did seem thin on gags.

Quote: Timbo @ June 20 2009, 3:41 PM BST

This should be in Critique really.

I found myself able to watch this, which is more than I expected from a homebrew sitcom, but I found it quite uneven. The musician character is very much in the style of The Office (the lad even sounds like Gervais), and delivers some laughs in that vein; the ex-army character seems a bit displaced, and those sections did seem thin on gags.

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There's some fair comments there. There are similarities between Keith and Brent but I think there's enough of our own gags like the 'Overdose on Apsin' gag and 'The Drugs Don't Work' sequence to qualify as it own thing. In terms of the ex-army character Mark Rodgers I feel he's not there to get easy laughs but the contrast between Keith and Mark should be were the main humour comes from especially the cut backs between Keith and Mark at the end. But overall how would you rate it?

Well done on James and co in actually making this. But if you're sending this out to producers I would really expect it to be a bit more slick. The narration could be hugely improved - you can also hear pages being turned with the script. You need someone who sounds more like someone who would be hired as a TV narrator.

I also think the two leads look way too young for the parts. This would be fine for a sketch, but for a sitcom it's pushing it. Those sort of characters have been done alot beforehand, so they really need a few more quirks or more of a grounding in reality.

Keep writing and filming though!

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ June 20 2009, 3:54 PM BST

Well done on James and co in actually making this. But if you're sending this out to producers I would really expect it to be a bit more slick. The narration could be hugely improved - you can also hear pages being turned with the script. You need someone who sounds more like someone who would be hired as a TV narrator.

I also think the two leads look way too young for the parts. This would be fine for a sketch, but for a sitcom it's pushing it. Those sort of characters have been done alot beforehand, so they really need a few more quirks or more of a grounding in reality.

Keep writing and filming though!

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In terms of the narration there are some sound problems but Ian the narrator did a good job for a un-professional. We have other people in mind for the TV version and producers know that. Again this a demo pilot and although myself and Dan would love to play the parts we are very willing to get actors in to play the roles so it shouldn't be a problem and with regards to the quirks they are played apon more in the series we have written, this is just a short demo to show producers the basic idea. Thanks for the constrictive criticism though.

Well done on making it, and I can certainly see the potential there. My biggest worry for this would be that the style you've gone for feels very 'done' at the moment. The feel and style just feel too familiar, too much like other mockumentary series that we've had. Mockumentaries themselves are sort of played out at the moment I think, that's certainly what I've gleaned from my experience of talking to producers. They're very much out of vogue and that could count against you. I'm sure you're going to keep right ahead with the path you've chosen, and if you do it well I'm sure there will be producers out there willing to go to bat for it, but if I were you I would have tried to fashion a more straight ahead sitcom and dropped the mockumentary angle.

Best of luck with it!

There's a nice story playing out here.
I do think you should - actually, strike that - MUST try stripping out the 'mockumentary' angle and try to write/film it as a character based sit-com.
I know it's a tempting style because it lends itself to low-budget,wobbly cameras and dodgy sound BUT it is v. out of fashion at the moment.

EDIT
Like what he said.

Quote: Matthew Stott @ June 20 2009, 4:13 PM BST

Well done on making it, and I can certainly see the potential there. My biggest worry for this would be that the style you've gone for feels very 'done' at the moment. The feel and style just feel too familiar, too much like other mockumentary series that we've had. Mockumentaries themselves are sort of played out at the moment I think, that's certainly what I've gleaned from my experience of talking to producers. They're very much out of vogue and that could count against you. I'm sure you're going to keep right ahead with the path you've chosen, and if you do it well I'm sure there will be producers out there willing to go to bat for it, but if I were you I would have tried to fashion a more straight ahead sitcom and dropped the mockumentary angle.

Best of luck with it!

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That's certainly my view to. The reason we've filmed it in this style is we only had a short three day shoot and as everyone knows it's the easy thing to shoot in a short while. Plus we're not amateurs but we're also not professionals either so we both have a backgrounds in mockumentaries so for us it give us more time to focus on the comedy.

I think no matter how good a mockumentary is, it will be always in the shadow of 'The Office'. It's like doing a brand new hotel based sitcom is always going to be not as good as 'Fawlty Towers'.

Myself and my co-writer have been discussing this for quite a while, with me very much in favour of doing a sitcom because I think the characters are suited to it especially my character Mark Rodgers.

Quote: Lazzard @ June 20 2009, 4:42 PM BST

There's a nice story playing out here.
I do think you should - actually, strike that - MUST try stripping out the 'mockumentary' angle and try to write/film it as a character based sit-com.
I know it's a tempting style because it lends itself to low-budget,wobbly cameras and dodgy sound BUT it is v. out of fashion at the moment.

EDIT
Like what he said.

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Like I just said to Matthew Stott we (especially me) want to do a out and out sitcom because we have a great storyline running through out the series we have written. I've already explained our reasons for filming in this style and hope with a good budget and a good producer we make a good sitcom.

is it worth sending this out to producers then if it's not what you really want the idea to be like?

What sort of feedback have you had and from whom?

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ June 20 2009, 4:56 PM BST

is it worth sending this out to producers then if it's not what you really want the idea to be like?

What sort of feedback have you had and from whom?

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The characters and the plot remain the same. The way it's filmed changes slightly. When I say I want to change it to a sitcom I don't mean a studio based audience laughter track esc sitcom I mean a 'Phoenix Nights' sort of sitcom which has influences in mockumentary because that's were it came from but is at the end of the day it's more a sitcom then it is a mockumentary. That's how we see 'Back to Class' because it's clearly aimed at a more Channel Four audience then a Beeb audience.

Thanks so far for the constructive criticism. I would like to know how many of you found the show funny and enjoyable and if you didn't why?

Quote: James Cotter @ June 20 2009, 4:01 PM BST

In terms of the narration there are some sound problems but Ian the narrator did a good job for a un-professional.

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Ian the narrator didn't do a good job at all; amateur status or not.

The narration was piss-poor, I'm afraid - it ruined the whole thing. 'If you lie down with dogs, you'll rise with fleas'.

I'm not going to be too harsh on this, as you're fairly young. But there was very little originality here; I've seen it all before - a hundred times over.

Did it make me laugh? Not in the slightest.

I'd give it a score of 2/10.

Quote: don rushmore @ June 20 2009, 7:09 PM BST

Ian the narrator didn't do a good job at all; amateur status or not.

The narration was piss-poor, I'm afraid - it ruined the whole thing. 'If you lie down with dogs, you'll rise with fleas'.

I'm not going to be too harsh on this, as you're fairly young. But there was very little originality here; I've seen it all before - a hundred times over.

Did it make me laugh? Not in the slightest.

I'd give it a score of 2/10.

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2/10 better then 1/10. What made it 2/10 rather 1/10?

Quote: James Cotter @ June 20 2009, 7:22 PM BST

2/10 better then 1/10. What made it 2/10 rather 1/10.

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I liked your little hat.

Quote: don rushmore @ June 20 2009, 7:34 PM BST

I liked your little hat.

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Thanks I liked it for the character although I hated wearing it as it made me look like a prat. Did you spot the sitcom reference with the hat? Give you a clue sc-fi comedy.