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james mccloskey

  • Tuesday 26th September 2006, 5:41pm
  • Northern Ireland
  • 48 posts

Hi my fellow writers. I have just finished work on my pilot episode of my sitcom. Its set in Belfast, basically its the lives of four mates and their journey to bigger and better things. Tell us what you think. cheers.

PILOT
OUR FIRST DAY
WRITTEN BY
JAMES MCCLOSKEY

1 INT.GARAGE.NIGHT
The lads are sitting in a converted garage, which looks more like someone’s sitting room. The walls are covered with 80’s one hit wonders, as well as early dance music posters. They have an old TV, a Tape Recorder and a small bar in the corner that only GOLIATH, 40, very small and going bald can reach. He is joined by JAMES, 26, tall dark hair and PHIL, 30, fair hair and well built who are sitting on a bean bag and a garden chair with JOHN, 28, ginger hair and dressed head to toe in black and supporting a mullet, lying sleeping, with half a Donor Kebab as a pillow and a cucumber in his hand.

PHIL
Look at the state of Turkey. God love him, he’s ugly. He’s putting on the beef too.
JAMES
(SARCASTICALLY)
It’s all that good home cooking he gets?

GOLIATH
(SERIOUS)
If that aul bitch of a ma of his would cook him a dinner or let him cook in the house, he’d be alright. Imagine being barred from your own kitchen!

JAMES
He’s not barred. He just doesn’t have the key to the padlock.

GOLIATH
It’s a nightmare gents.

James gets up and walks over to John, gently fixing the Kebab under his head so he doesn’t get a sore neck.

PHIL
You’ll make someone a lovely wife one day.
JAMES
Aye your sister.

JAMES
(THOUGHTS)
She’d make someone a lovely husband, with those lamb chops for arms.

James then grabs John’s arm.

GOLIATH
For gods sake, let the poor lad sleep.

JAMES
I’m just checking his pulse, I not going to mate rape him Goliath. I bet its dead high. He was complaining about palpitations earlier on.

We see him timing it and then letting go of his arm, he begins to laugh.

JAMES
(CONT’D)
Phil what’s the normal resting pulse rate? Bout 65 or something?

PHIL
Between 60 and 72, why what’s his, 80?

JAMES
112.

GOLIATH
Jesus Christ. Phone 999. He’s going to die, why lord, he’s still so young.

PHIL
Relax high tower. That’s normal for a 28 year old, beer swigging, kebab eating man.

2 INT.BEDROOM/FANTASY.NIGHT
John standing in his boxers with a big cheesy smile on his face and a part of a Donor king in one hand.

GIRLS VOICE
Come join me John. Let me stroke your ginger mullet.

He is about to throw the Donor down and get into bed.

GIRLS VOICE
(CONT’D)
Bring that in too, stud. I can never get enough meat!
GIRL
(THOUGHTS)
Especially with your cocktail sausage!

As we get closer and finally see who is in the bed, it’s big Marge who drinks in the bar. She is a big, busty, 50 year old woman. But John looks like he loves it.

3 INT.GARAGE.LATER
The lads are still sitting in the garage. Phil’s eyes light up when he spots John’s shoe sitting on the floor.

PHIL
Shearer told me a cracker one today in the bar. He got his mates shoe one night, filled it with water, and froze it. It was like a brick, went from a size 10-13.

James jumps up and grabs the shoe.

JAMES
That’s a classic. We’ll do it for a laugh. There’s no water but.

PHIL
Use his beer; sure Turkey won’t be drinking it.

We see Goliath who is sitting on a bar stool behind the bar. We see behind him there is a florescent sign saying Goliath’s bar.

GOLIATH
This has nothing to do with me gents.

Phil looks at James and vice versa.

PHIL/JAMES
Blame him.

GOLIATH
It’s like that then.

He then kisses his fists and punches his fist on his other hand followed by his elbow on his other hand.
James fills up the boot with Beer and hands it to Goliath who reluctantly puts it into the freezer.

4 INT.HILL/BAR.DAY
The lads are in the Hill working. Its tea time and it’s only really the locals in. The Hill is a darkly lit, square of a bar, with most of the action happening, at the side of it. It’s in dire need of a good clean, but people have given up hope of anything happening. James is at the bar and is serving big Shearer.

James sets Shearers drink down.

JAMES
There you go big lad. There’s something different about you Shearer, you don’t look well.

SHEARER
No nothing, just sober. So you two hammerheads quitting?

JAMES
Would say more escaping Shearer. Going to a place where people say thanks, pay decent wages and have a sink in their toilets. Sick of the same aul faces, same aul problems and the same ignorance.

He looks at aul Marge sitting in the corner, who in turn gives shim the finger. He gives her the finger back and then throws her empty glass in the direction of James, smashing on the bar.

JAMES
(CONT’D)
Hi Marge.

James then gabs an empty and throws one back at her.
SHEARER
Fair play to ya, a bit of ambition that’s what I like to see. Here John, any ice.

They all laugh at John as he is holding his frozen caterpillar.

JOHN
See what this little dick did. I mean it McCloskey; someone’s going to get a thick lip!

JAMES
It was Goliath. I told him not to. You know what he’s like! I wish he’d grow up!
SHEARER
So does he!

HARRY
John get some ice here. Frig sake get it sorted. Can’t get the staff these days. Thank god your leaving, I mean we’ll miss big James, but you where always useless. The only disappointing thing is you’ll be back in a week begging for your job back.

JOHN
Harry remember the time I seen you in Gresham street outside the sex shop and you where holding a...

HARRY
A fish supper.

JOHN
No a purple dildo you aul perv. Harry I just want to meet the biggest fattest ugliest bird. And then buck her all night until the neighbours complain about the smell!

HARRY
How many times have you told that story? You’re like a broken bloody record.

5 INT.BAR.LATER
James and John are standing at the bar looking a bit lost.

SHEARER
(O.O.V)
Any chance of a brandy John. While your doing nothing.

John gets the brandy

JOHN
Any ice big lad?

SHEARER
(O.O.V)
O aye John.

At that moment we see John walk out of sight from Shearer and get a knife and break a big bit of ice from his shoe and place it into his drink. He walks over and gives it to him.
Next usher Greer walks up to the bar. He is an old man about 70 who comes in with his dog.

USHER
So I hear you’re leaving Jimmy? Is it not a bit late now?

JAMES
I’m only 26 usher. I’m not a 70 year old man with dog, no life, but strangely his seventh piercing!

USHER
There’s a bark from me and bark from Simpson. When I was your age I was married, divorced, hired, fired, born, reborn, black, white, up, down, left right shaking it all about. Things have changed so much. But don’t be wasting anytime, go out and do something before it’s too late. Although, who would hire you, that’s the thing!

JAMES
(THOUGHTS)
And I though things in those days where much simpler!
JAMES
Thanks usher, great advice.

JAMES
(THOUGHTS)
SHOUTING
You old freak!

At that moment his dog Simpson with great choreography manages to shit and be sick all over the place.

USHER
Oops, looks like Simpson has had a little accident.

JAMES
(THOUGHTS)
Little! Suppose it’s better than the time u shit yourself in here. He’s teaching that dog the wrong tricks.

John walks over and makes a slight overreaction to the situation.

JOHN
O my god has that bloody dog shit all over the place again. A fer God sake would you look at the mess.

JAMES
It’s been sick as well John.

JOHN
And sick as well. I don’t believe this. Who’s the owner? What does the owner have to say about this?

We see John looking over at James and laughing.

JOHN
(CONT’D)
I can’t believe this; I mean what is this place a barn yard. Thank god I’m leaving tomorrow; I can’t work in these conditions. Smell it. It’s shick.

JAMES
Awe look, the dogs being sick again!

JOHN
Its not.

JAMES
Not that one the other one.

At that moment we see the aul slapper Marge being sick in the corner.
James then looks over to Marge.

JOHN
She’s not a dog she’s a lovely lady. That occasionally pisses against lamp posts, barks at people and needs a mouth guard and a rabies jab every once in a while.

JAMES
(THOUGHTS)
Woof woof.

In walks a new face tall guy about 40 with dark slicked back hair. The entire bar looks round and checks him out. As no one knows who he is. John walks over to serve him.

JOHN
Alright big lad. What can I get you?

SLICK
Can I get a brandy ginger?

JOHN
No problem.

John walks over and gets him a brandy and ginger and sets it down in front of him.

SLICK
I didn’t ask for that.

JOHN
You asked for a brandy and ginger.

SLICK
I didn’t. I asked for a brandy, ginger.

The rest of the bar starts laughing apart from John who doesn’t like the joke.

HARRY
Good one mate. I like your style. You new up here?

He puts his hand out to shake it but slick instead does the fist. Harry doesn’t no what the score is, but uncomfortably does the fist, gangster style.

SLICK
Names Slick. Just moved up.

The rest of the bar try and hold in their laughter in.

HARRY
You’re having me on here. Who the hell calls themselves Slick? What’s your real name?

SLICK
That is my real name that’s what I’m known as on the streets.

HARRY
On the street. You hear some shite talk in here. Here James, you should be glad you’re leaving. Alright, Slick it is. So what are you doing up here then?

SLICK
First time in this place. Just moved up this direction recently, to be close to the Mrs.

JAMES
Who the wife ex wife?

SLICK
No. Me and the wife moved up here to be close to the Mrs. Actually moved next door to her, makes it easier for me, you know.

In walks Liam Kerr the tightest man in Belfast, he is that good he can hear coins falling on carpet and knows the sound of a note hitting the ground. He spots Slick smoking and walks over to him.

LIAM
You new in here?

SLICK
Jesus, you lot don’t miss much in here.

LIAM
Do you have a lighter?

SLICK
Sure do partner.

He hands him over the lighter and Liam takes a second and evaluates the situation.

JAMES
(THOUGHTS)
Wait for it, classic Kerr.

LIAM
Do you have a feg?

SLICK
You’re no mug, aul hand!

He gives him a feg and Liam walks away.

John then joins the conversation.

JOHN
So what do you work as big lad?

SLICK
I work down in Sloan’s recruitment agency. I’m the head of security.

JOHN
You’re joking. Sure me and this big fella here.

Pointing at James

Are heading down tomorrow to sign up, and get out of this dump, away from these wankers.

SLICK
Nice one. It’s a free one. I mean there are loads of wooden ones down there, but unless you’re a couple of tubes...

LIAM
Who them two? Useless.

JAMES
Liam there’s a penny in that bottom corner!

Liam runs down to the corner like an alley rat looking for the penny.

SLICK
You can move up the ladder pretty quick. One guy started off as a window cleaner, doing bungalows, and now you wanna see him.
JAMES
What’s he doing now?

SLICK
Houses. I’ve seen young lads after two years earning good money. On the other side I’ve seen some onions. There is this wee guy works for us, drive’s the forklift. About 40, thinks he’s the big man. Calls himself Goliath, I mean what sort of dick calls himself Goliath! Has his own personalised forklift truck with CD player and TV, even gold plated. Cheeky wee bastard too.

JAMES
That’s our mate. Your right he is a cheeky wee bastard. Froze his shoe last night!

SLICK
No harm to you, but he’s like a wee kid. I mean for such a small body such a mouth on him. Here, what’s his real name anyway? I bet its something camp anyway.

JAMES
Don’t know.

JAMES
(THOUGHTS)
I promised him. Anyway I can’t take another whipping like that again.

6 FLASHBACK SCENE
INT.ROOM.DAY
Goliath is chasing James around a room with a large whip.

GOLIATH
I told you never to say my real name. It takes away the fear.

JAMES
I only told John. What’s the big deal Wesley?

Goliath whips him again.

GOLIATH
Never say that name.

JAMES
Ok Wesley.

He whips him again and we hear the screams.

7 INT.BAR.LATER
They’re still standing at the bar.

HARRY
Any crisps there? Get us a packet of plain.
JAMES
Don’t have any Harry. Just salt and Lineker, cheese and Owen or ready Shearer.
HARRY
Sure ready salted is the same bloody thing. See what I’ve to stick in here. You’ll have your work cut out dealing with those two!

SLICK
I’ve seen worse than them two. I’ll be alright. It should be them worrying about me!

8 INT.BAR.NIGHT
It’s later on that night and the quiz is on. The front door opens and in walks Goliath. People get up and start to cheer as he walks in.

GOLIATH
(THOUGHTS)
Ladies and gentlemen, 5ft of rare Northern Irish beef has entered the building; lock up your daughters, dream machine is here.

JAMES
(THOUGHTS)
Lock up your grannies.

9 SLICK FANTASY
We see Goliath walk in the front door as before and instead of his hero’s welcome, we see the tunnel of hate and everyone is kicking and punching him all the way up to the bar.

10 INT.BAR.NIGHT
Goliath walks up to the bar and we hear the sound of a set of drums going off.

GOLIATH
Can you practise somewhere else mate! I swear to god every week that drummer guy.

A random guy with a full drum kit gets up and starts to walk off we can see in the back ground him cracking up.

GOLIATH
Good evening my fellow alpha males. Tell us this, who was the hardest man in here until I came in? The silence answers my question. So you ready to work with big Balls tomorrow?

JAMES
Who’s big balls?
JOHN
Will there be women and what’s the canteen like. I’m starving.

GOLIATH
John let me tell you something. The canteen is exquisite. The fruit and vegetables are as fresh as can be. Finely picked by the hands of beauty queens. The breakfasts are fit for a king and the women are vetted and finely plucked from the most beautiful parents known to man. It is the oasis.

He then looks across the bar to see Slick waving over at him.

GOLIATH
(CONT’D)
What’s wanker doing here?

JOHN
Who slick? He was in earlier, sound guy.
GOLIATH
(SHOUTING)
He’s not; he’s an oil tanker. Stay clear of him. He’s bad news.

He looks over at him.

Hello Raymond.

Over walks Phil.

PHIL
Look who it is. I didn’t see you there, behind that shot glass.

GOLIATH
You’ll not see a right hook coming if you keep that talk up big man. You’re not in the gym now with all your boys. This is the real world son, people get hurt.

PHIL
Frig sake it would be like getting hit by a three year old! Girl!

GOLIATH
Not if the three year old girl had a claw hammer in her hand and attacked from behind!
JAMES
The story of your life Goliath, coming from behind.
JOHN
Or being taken from behind.

Phil then walks over to serve another customer who is Maurice, 30, from the gym. He is his arch enemy. They are very competitive.

PHIL
Alright loser. You putting on weight? You’re looking a bit chubby!

MAURICE
Doubt it. Still my ideal weight 80 kilos.

He takes out a set of scales from somewhere and weighs himself.
MAURICE
(CONT’D)
80 kilos. Perfect. BMI 24. We’ll see tomorrow. Hope you’re not too tired from working tonight. No excuses now!

PHIL
Who carries scales around? Do you want something or you just going to bore me?

MAURICE
Get us a Baileys and ice, now.

PHIL
Why, is there a girl in your company? Who’s drinking Baileys? Next you’ll be asking me out on a date.



MAURICE
Would you?

He then blows him a kiss and walks away still wearing his all in one leotard.
Phil then walks over to T-bone who is barely standing up because he’s so drunk.

PHIL
The answer to question 1 is brown sauce.

T-bone acknowledges it and gives Phil the sly wink. But he is so drunk he can’t get his eye lid opened again.
James then walks down to big Jackie who is sitting with aul Marge, with his arm around her.

JAMES
Alright Jackie question number 1 is red sauce.
JACKIE
Cheers our kid.

The quiz is about to start and John and Sammy Mackie are giving the rules a once over.

JOHN
Alright folks can I have your attention? Welcome to the Hill Tavern quiz. The rules are simple, answer a question and win a drink, answer two and you forfeit that drink. Ok let’s go; shout out as loud as you can.
Question one ‘what is the…

JACKIE
Red sauce.

SAMMY
Jackie you’re f**king wrong.

T-BONE
Brown sauce.

SAMMY
Who said brown sauce?
T-BONE
I did.

SAMMY
Wrong.

GOLIATH
Mint sauce

FRANKIE
M25.

JOHN
Well done Frankie.

JACKIE
What do you mean well done Frankie? The answer is red sauce. Mines a vodka and coke.

T-BONE
Unlucky Jackie it was brown sauce. Away and do what you do best, charge people double fares.

JACKIE
It’s like that now. I’ve dropped you off plenty times, blocked, falling all over the place, but I still got you to work in time. Even though you still keep snooping in people’s mail!

T-BONE
I was going to pay it back.

JOHN
Right lads that’ll do. Well done Frankie. The question was what’s the busiest road in Europe? Right next question. What is cong...? What is conjectivness?

PHIL
Jesus Christ John, spit it out.

MAURAICE
I bet you say that to all the boys Phil.
PHIL
Goliath.

Goliath stands up on one of the tables and dives on Maurice. He gets up again leaving him still on the floor.

JACKIE
For Christ sake get someone up there who can speak.
JOHN
Would you give me a moment? I’m not stupid I’m just confused.

James then walks over and looks at the question. It says what is conjunctivitis?

JAMES
Sorry about that folks we’ll scrap that question.

T-BONE
What’s the question?

JAMES
What is conjunctivitis? I think John’s got it.
JOHN
Right folks final question of tonight.

Phil walks over to where Goliath is standing and smirks at him.

GOLIATH
You better not be smirking at me son? You saw what happened to your bum boy!

PHIL
You need this question Goliath. What has it been, 6 years, since you last went without a free drink? Has that one brain cell you once had disappeared?

GOLIATH
Whatever, I’ll get this one, wait and see.

We move back to John who is about to read out the final question.

JOHN
Right. What is the capital of…?

GOLIATH
(THOUGHTS)
Capital cities yes. Goliath 1 the rest of the world zero.
JOHN
Denmark?

GOLIATH/SLICK
Copenhagen.

JOHN
Would you believe it, we have a dead heat.
GOLIATH
We’ll have a dead quizmaster if you don’t give me that drink.

Slick looks over at Goliath and smirks at him.

JOHN
Goliath stand up, o sorry you are. Well when it’s a dead heat there is only one way to solve it.

GOLIATH
Happy day’s right Slick me and you outside.

Goliath is about to walk out with a hammer in his hand ready for battle.
JOHN
No Goliath the other way. Pitch and toss.
PHIL
Where did you get the hammer from?

GOLIATH
Never leave the house without one! That’s what my Ma always says.

They walk over to the wall and get ready for the battle. Goliath loses the toss so he has to throw first. As he gets ready to throw we see Slick peel off a bit of blue tack off the wall and place it under his coin.
Goliath throws a shot its millimetres away from the wall, only a stander will beat it.

GOLIATH
James mines a bottle of Magners.

JAMES
It’s not over yet, lurch.

Up steps Slick. He gets ready to throw it and he looks at Goliath and not the wall. As he throws it, it basically stands up still on the wall. Slick wins and Goliath is distraught.

11 INT.GARAGE.NIGHT
They go back to the garage after work. It was their last night in the Hill. The garage looks quite cool. It’s full of scooter, pantera and slayer posters with a lot of novelty items everywhere. Goliath is in his usual spot behind the bar. A dart board is covered with a poster of William Pruinier, the old Trafford misfit, just above his head.

GOLIATH
I don’t know why the dart board has to be here?

James throws a dart just missing his head.

JOHN
It’s always been there. So Goliath what’s the craic about tomorrow? You have you ear closest to the ground. What's the score?

GOLIATH
Mention my name to everyone, I’m well respected. Walk in, you’ll meet Maggy. Top girl. I don’t want any of you two giving her any grief.

JAMES
Goliath. Yee of little faith.

GOLIATH
I know what you’re like sledgehammer and I definitely know what you’re like turkey, me and the peelers!

JOHN
Right so what’s this Maggy like?

GOLIATH
Like a gentle breeze on a warm summers day. Like a pint glass of ice to compliment your ice cold bottle of cider. Like a …

PHIL
Right we get the picture Shakespeare. It’s hardly going to matter anyway. They’ll be back next week.

GOLIATH
I’m telling you she’s cool. The only one you have to watch out for is slick. He’s a chancer.

PHIL
He seems sound.

GOLIATH
This guy has robbed places, set people up, hired, fired, rewired, and even burnt down a place in Mallusk to win a bet! Just watch him, but you’ll be dead on. Any who how’s the love life boys?

JAMES
Still doing a bit of chasing. No joy as yet. Hitting the crossbar every week.

GOLIATH
What about sexy Becky?

JAMES
That’s well finished; don’t even think about her anymore.

JAMES
(THOUGHTS)
If thinking about her 100 times a day isn’t thinking about her.

GOLIATH
Nice one. Its maybe time the big lad here made his move. What about you Phil?

PHIL
I’m still with screech. Buts it’s not too bad she only starts on me when she’s been drinking.

JOHN
Is she still drinking everyday then?

PHIL
Aye.

JOHN
James what’s the number for the mogul?
GOLIATH
That’s you problem John. Apart from being the cross between a Turkey and Rocky Dennis, all you want to do is get a Donor king. Fer god sake get it sorted.

JOHN
Whatever, what is the number?

JAMES
How many times have I told you this number, and you still don’t know it. I’m going to pay, so you can get a tattoo of that number on your penis, cos every time you think of a mogul you get an erection.

James gets his phone and starts to dial the number and gives it to John. Who looks at the phone and it says Mogul.

JOHN
(ON THE PHONE)
Hello is there a chance of a Donor king? What, sorry? I’ll be home now. I’ve not been drinking. I’m still at work, cleaning. I’ll be home in a minute I tell you. Are you crying dad? Well hit her back.

JAMES
Tell him to use the dildo under your pillow

He hangs up the phone.

JOHN
(CONT’D)
See if you ever pull a stunt like that again. That’s me getting my balls rolled when I get in.

PHIL
And you’ll get shouted at too. How did you ring his house anyway, it said on the phone Mogul?

JAMES
Changed his home number to the Mogul. I’ve been waiting 2 weeks to pull that one! Chill out John.

JOHN
Piss off. That's why I have to get Donor kings every night. The woman shouts all day and night and then my Da comes in, and they start on each other. I can’t get a f**king dinner. There is a padlock on the f**king kitchen door. I have to get a chippy every night cos she doesn’t cook a dinner anymore, ok; the f**king woman that works in the chippy is more of a f**king mother than my own! That's why I want a Donor king. I am so hungry and pissed off I actually have thoughts of eating my self to death, just give me the number!

12 INT.GARAGE.LATER
The door knocks and in it’s the guy from the Mogul. He hands John the donor king and leaves.

JAMES
Right now it’s betting time. I think 3/5 on the Donor scale. Higher or lower lads?

We look at the wall and we see an out of scale drawing of a Donor king and the measurements. Phil stands up and looks at the drawing.
PHIL
Well cos it’s John and knowing his mother and sisters and their meat addiction, I’ll say John takes after the ladies in his family and will go for less. Cos we all know he won’t finish it.

GOLIATH
Well I’ll go higher then.

JOHN
If only you could Goliath, you smirf. I’m so f**king starving.

We see John start at a lightening pace on to slow down after a few bites.

JAMES
Good stuff John?

John’s mouth is so full all he can do is nod his head. The kebab is running all down his hands and face, looking more like a pig in shit.

PHIL
I hate seeing a man off his food.

But then as the guys predicted the lightening pace draws to a halt. The stamina he once had in abundance has disappeared. He is sitting looking rather uncomfortable and can no longer eat anymore.

JOHN
Does anyone want a whack of this? I’m stuffed.

JAMES
John, Phil’s an athlete. That probably weighs more than Goliath does and no. Who would eat that after you anyway? Who won lads?

GOLIATH
Phil.

PHIL
Let us check your pulse John.

JOHN
Piss off.

13 INT.JAMES’S CAR.DAY
James is driving down to pick up John in his retro VW Jetta when he suddenly sees Becky. He slows down and chats with her. He is playing ‘Rhythm is a dancer’ in his car.

JAMES
Hey, sugar lips.

BECKY
Hey James. How’s things?

JAMES
Better now I’ve seen you, I’m out job hunting today. Left the bar last night, trying to better myself like you said.

BECKY
So you’re doing all this for me?

JAMES
Of course I am. You and the car. She’s on her last legs, I think she due to retire soon. So what do you think?

BECKY
I think it’s great you’re finally getting your act together, but I think you should do it for yourself, rather than for me.

JAMES
I’m doing this for us.

BECKY
There is no us.

JAMES
What do you mean?

BECKY
I mean you are a 26 year old man who is still living with his parents part time, and with your mates the other time in a garage with three other losers, laughing about how much of a Donor king John can eat.

JAMES
He broke his own record last night!

BECKY
See that’s what I mean. When you grow up a bit, get in touch. I’ll see you later, bye.

See walks away and James spots an old wooden chair on the street and gets out of the car and opens the back door of his car and takes out the empty keg from the back of his car and replaces it with the wooden chair. He seems to be pleased with his decision to swap them.

14 INT.CAR.LATER
James is outside John's house picking him up for their first day at work. John jumps into the car. They are playing the song ‘Are you the guys on the beach that hate everything’ and singing along to the music.

JOHN
New seat? Happy days where did you pick that up?

JAMES
Auction, where do you think? On my way round here.

JOHN
Pity you didn’t find a child’s seat, and then we could have picked up Goliath.

15 INT.RECRUITMENT AGENCY.LATER
They walk into the office and notice two girls sitting there. They then both remember Goliath’s rendition of who Maggy is.
Like a gentle breeze on a warm summers day. Like a pint glass of ice to compliment you ice cold bottle of cider. We see the two girls closer now. One is a total babe, with a great body and the other is a bit plump and a bit ugly. They walk over to the good-looking one. They both look at each other and give the phert noise.

JOHN/JAMES
Phert.

This comes up on the screen ‘buckbag’.

GIRL
So it’s your first day here. I hope you enjoy working for us.

JOHN
Will you be working with us? You see we need to know.

GIRL
No I just work in the office. So if you could just fill the forms out and give them back to me and never speak to me again, that would be great.

JOHN
What are the canteens like in these places?

GIRL
I really don’t know. You will be working in lots of different places. Give me a shout when you’re finished.

She gets up and walks back to her desk. There is another girl that is sitting next to them and seems to be ear wigging everything they are saying.

JAMES
Do you always have to get on like an onion? She’s the boss of the company and you’re asking her shit. Don’t blow this before we have even started.

He looks at the woman next to him. Who, is listening to their conversation.

JAMES
(CONT’D)
Did you get all that? Nosey Nelly.

GIRL 2
Excuse me.

JOHN
I’m only messing about.

GIRL 2
Who do you think you’re talking to?

JOHN
Flip sake, someone put a lamb chop in her mouth, would they? Seems like she’s already ate the bloody thing!

GIRL 1
Maggy the phone.

JAMES/JOHN
Maggy.
JAMES
(THOUGHTS)
Why!
MAGGY
Who the hell do you two little penis’s think you are coming into my office and slabbering at me? I’ve been following the south beach diet word for word!

She starts picking up objects and throwing them everywhere, even throwing some things at them. She is screaming in hysterics and they both look gob smacked.
In walks Goliath with an invoice.

GOLIATH
What’s happened in here? Well it’s not all bad; my Ma’s making lamb chops tonight, O yea.

At that moment Maggy grabs a stapler and throws it in Goliath's direction hitting him.
John runs over to help Goliath up.

JOHN
You’re going to need stitches in that mate.

GOLIATH
It’s only a scratch.

GOLIATH
(THOUGHTS)
SOBBING
She’s treating you mean to keep you keen. Tough love big man, that’s all it is?

MAGGY
You two get out and don’t come back.

JAMES
That's ok we’ll go somewhere else. You’re not the only recruitment agency in N Ireland. This place is a dump anyway.

MAGGY
Is that right? Well, my family own nearly all the recruitment agencies in N Ireland, so good luck finding a job.

At that moment all looks to be lost, the lads have disaster written all over their faces. The in walks Slick.

SLICK
Alright lads? Good first day then?

JOHN
Don’t ask.

Maggy walks into her office and slick follows her in.

SLICK
What the hell’s happened in here? Did you not have lunch or something?

MAGGY
No. they where cheeky.

SLICK
Well you’re going to have to stop overreacting like that.

MAGGY
I want them two pieces of shit out of my office now.

SLICK
Isn’t that a bit harsh.

MAGGY
Get them out Raymond, now.

SLICK
Think about this situation and what you can gain from it.

MAGGY
I don’t feel like sex now Raymond, maybe later.

SLICK
I didn’t mean that, although the new gel must be working.

SLICK
(THOUGHTS)
O yea.

MAGGY
Well what do you mean then?

SLICK
What’s in that top drawer of that filing cabinet? A drawer full of jobs that we can’t get people to do cos they are a nightmare. No one will do them; will work for those companies, no one, until these two clowns came in.

MAGGY
Good point. We lose thousands each year cos we can’t get people to do them.

SLICK
And do you know who else can help them. That little dwarf willow. They’ll be like snap, crackle and pop.

Slick then walks out to the lads.

SLICK
Boys I don’t know what you said or did or what cut of meat you mentioned and I don’t want to know. But I have managed to calm down Maggy and you have one last chance to salvage your career here.

JAMES
Thanks very much, Slick.

JOHN
Cheers.

SLICK
Just apologise to Maggy and we’ll forget the whole thing.

They both look at Maggy.

JAMES/JOHN
We’re sorry. Won’t happen again. What is it with meat? Are you a veggie?

She looks at them with her crocodile tears and gives a fake smile and then returns to her bastard face.

MAGGY
Don’t mention that again. You both better have black suits and shoes. Because tomorrow you are working for Smith funeral services. Meet here tomorrow at 8:00am and well take you down there.

JOHN
You had better get me a new pair of shoes by tomorrow.

JAMES
How am I going to get them, I’m skint.

17 INT.BAR.LATER
James is standing in the bar with Goliath and Phil.

JAMES
Right Goliath since it was you put it in the freezer; I think you should pay for John’s new shoes.

GOLIATH
Here Einstein, I think you should pay for it. Don’t you Phil?

PHIL
F**k em. He shouldn’t have fallen asleep. Anyway, it was Goliath that froze them.

JAMES
What are we going to do? He needs them for work tomorrow.

PHIL
I can’t believe you two are working at a funeral home. Remember they still fart; apparently it’s like the Ulster orchestra at times!

GOLIATH
I’ve got it. You only need one shoe, don’t you?
JAMES
Aye.

GOLIATH
Well, steal one. In town, all those shoe shops have one shoe out the front. Find out which shoe it is, and bingo, nick it.

James and Phil smile.

18 EXT.CITY CENTRE.LATER
James and Phil are in the city centre trying to find the matching shoe for John.

JAMES
Right, first things first. What foot was it we froze?

PHIL
It was the left.

PHIL
(THOUGHTS)
No, it was the right.

JAMES
You sure?

PHIL
Sure both his feet are left!

JAMES
Stop messing about, was it the left?

PHIL
Yea.

They walk around shops and keep looking for the shoe but to no avail. They pick up one shoe its brown.

PHIL
A bit of polish would do the job?

JAMES
No.

They look again and find another pair looks to be the same colour, but a bit too small.

JAMES
Too small.

PHIL
Does Goliath need a shoe?

They then walk around again and Phil spots a pair that are just plain wrong. They are more homo sexual than hetro.

PHIL
I think John would look well in these.

Time looks to be running out when at the corner of James’s eye he sees a sparkle.

20 FANTASY
EXT.CITY CENTRE.DAY
We see James running down the street holding flowers and chocolates with a massive black caterpillar boot running towards him. They are running to each other like lovers on a second date, re-united once again. They run into each others arms and don’t let go. Both with huge smiles on their faces.

JAMES
Never leave like that again.

BOOT
I wont, I’m sorry.

21 EXT.STREET.LATER
They walk down to the rack outside the shop and stand there looking at the elusive boot. The security guard is looking at them very closely and they notice this too.

JAMES
Right Ronny Briggs. How do we get the bloody thing?

PHIL
Just grab it. And then leg it. He won’t catch us.

JAMES
No we need to distract him.

There are a couple of kids playing outside the shop. James walks over to one of the kids.

JAMES
Here big lad, come here.

KID
I’m not coming towards you, paedo!

JAMES
I’m not a paedo, I’m you mate. Wanna earn a fiver?
KID
Paedo get away from me. I don’t want your gay boy money.

PHIL
Here cheeky balls. Just distract that security guard and take the fiver ok. Now do it.

The kid and his mates walk over to the shop and start running about. The security guard tries to calm them down. Just then Phil grabs the boot and he and James run like two greyhounds. The security guard spots them and runs after them. They turn the corner and they can see their bus just about to leave. Frankie Best from the bar is the inspector on the bus and they wave to try and stop him. He does so stopping the bus letting them two on.

JAMES
Cheers Frankie.

FRANKIE
What are you two up to? Did you steal that shoe?

PHIL
No we lost one.

22 EXT.FUNERAL HOME.DAY
It’s the lads first day and they are all suited and booted up. They are talking the coffin out of the house. We see John looking at James and giving him the death look. James is trying not to laugh. As the camera zooms down we see that John is wearing two left boots. They stole the wrong one. We see him going down a step and tripping and they drop the coffin. We hear all the people in the congregation all moan. Then next thing Becky walks over to James and slaps him in the face.

BECKY
This is you growing up. You two are pathetic.

We just see James shake his head and John in the background take of his shoes and slam them on the ground and walk away.

JAMES
(THOUGHTS)
Why lord, why?

We then see the security guard from the shop spot James and starts to run after him, with John noticing this as well and running away too.

23 INT.GOLIATHS HOUSE.LATER
We see him walking through his massive house. It’s in darkness and he is alone. He is just watching TV with nobody just him. The David Gray song is playing in the background ‘its not easy being me’.

24 INT.PHILS HOUSE.LATER
Phil is sitting down his girlfriend screech is shouting at him and there is lots of bottles of drink all over the place. She is smashing things on the wall and throwing things at him. She throws a plastic bottle of cider at him, which hits him on the head. He opens it up and takes a drink.

25 INT.JOHNS HOUSE.LATER
We see John lying in his tiny box room. We can hear the music but mainly his parents fighting like crazy. He is looking out the window and shaking his head. He is eating a donor king in his room.

26 INT.JAMES’S HOUSE.LATER
James is lying on his bed in his room and is holding a picture of him and Becky when things looked good. The music is still playing. He seems alone too. As he flicks trough the photos we see a picture of the 4 lads all dressed up as three men and a baby, with Goliath dressed up as a kid, in a cot. It says best fancy dress 2004. They are all smiling and happy.

27 INT.HILL.LATER
They are all sitting down at a table having a beer.

JAMES
So, how’s the head Goliath.

GOLIATH
What, the love mark. It’s fine. See we have a love-hate relationship.

PHIL
Aye you love her, she hates you.

JOHN
Well today was a bit of a nightmare, but tomorrow is a new day, and can’t get much worse than today.

JAMES
No chance. I just feel sorry for that family today.

Slick walks past.

SLICK
Alright lads. Heard about you today.

JOHN
Bad day at Blackrock, you know. It shouldn’t get any worse than that should it?

SLICK
No chance John boy. The first day is always the worst. It’s all a ride in the park from now on.

We see his face close up and he lets a little smirk pass his face.

Avatar

Thomps

  • Wednesday 27th September 2006, 11:45am
  • England
  • 172 posts

The screen directions are too long. These should be as brief as possible. It's a bit short on laughs and the fantasy scenes didn't work for me. It felt like you'd watched Scrubs and thought - that would be good in my sitcom.