British Comedy Guide

Punch

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Bohannon

  • Friday 22nd September 2006, 2:24am
  • Dundee, Scotland
  • 435 posts

Well, this is my first effort at writing a sitcom. It was one of three episodes I'd written as part of a series and writing it was a great learning experience.

I sent it to a few production companies and the bbc and had little response and ultimately no real interest. I thought I would post here and would really appreciate any criticisms you might have.

Feel free to be as harsh as you like and thanks in advance if you manage to read all the way through! :)

http://www.4shared.com/file/3914208/825296c9/brothers_at_arms_-_punch.html

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Aaron

  • Friday 22nd September 2006, 2:49am
  • Royal Berkshire, England
  • 68,509 posts

Ok, just read the first scene, and what strikes me is you've only got one joke in there, about 30% in. Need to add in another one or two I think, or at least something a bit more to hook in the viewer.

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Mark Gran

  • Friday 22nd September 2006, 1:22pm
  • England
  • 5 posts

I wouldn't worry about the first scene not being loaded with jokes. The reason that the production companies/BBC showed no real interest is probably because the mismatched brothers scenario is not different enough for them to sit up and take notice. It's also too long and many of the scenes could be cut out. It starts off well but loses its way in the middle. I lost interest around 20 pages in, but pressed on until the end. A production company would probably not be so forgiving.

Positives: there are some good one liners and I liked the two central characters. You can write good dialogue but you need to be tougher on yourself when it comes to the editing process.

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Bohannon

  • Saturday 23rd September 2006, 3:07am
  • Dundee, Scotland
  • 435 posts

Thanks all.

I do worry that my opening scenes are often a little slow or thin on laughs and that readers will lose interest quickly. I'm not entirely sure how to remedy this, especially when the characters are new but I guess it's something I'll have to address in future.

I agree the scenario isn't distinctive enough. It lacks a strong overall theme or hook and I don't think the idea squabbling brothers is really enough to set it apart from any other flatshare/family type situation.

It's interesting to hear you think it's too long, Mark. I'd always aimed for around the 6000 word area and often struggled to get it down to that. I'd be interested to hear which scenes in particular you think could be cut or trimmed down - maybe it might stop me being quite so self-indulgent in future.

Thanks Again. :)