First post here - hello! I've been having a crack at submitting to Newsjack this series - no joy so far. Here were my episode 2 one-liners:

INTRO:
The Doncaster offices of A4E were temporarily evacuated after a specific threat was phoned in. For a while they were worried they'd actually found someone a job.

JACKAPP:
Lloyds Bank have been fined £4.3 million because of delayed PPI refunds. Well, it's their own fault. I kept ringing them to see if they wanted any help.

JACKAPP:
It makes me so angry that all this 'social media speak' has started to infiltrate our language. Hashtag sick of it.

JACKAPP:
George Osborne reckons the mansion tax won't work because you'd have to send inspectors round the country valuing all the homes, not just those worth over £2 million. Yeah, whenever I walk down my terraced street, I'm wondering which of my neighbours have got underground swimming pools and invisible penthouses.

JACKAPP:
Someone's torn a Banksy mural off a wall and put it up for sale at auction? Chiselling bastards.

JACKAPP:
Well I'm not surprised the animal passport system didn't stop the horsemeat scandal. My food never looks like the photo on the packaging.

JACKAPP:
Scientists studying the Higgs Boson have outlined a concept known as vacuum instability which could result, billions of years from now, in a new universe opening up in the present one and replacing it. And THAT is why I haven't done the recycling.

Cheers for the advice Stephen. Going to concentrate on the jackapps this week and a sketch or two. I had hoped that part of that last joke would be the fact that the same gag was used in last week's show! But maybe that was a bit too subtle!

Another Newsjack newbie here, any blunt feedback welcome! Should have posted last week's but forgot, I've put a couple I remember at the front:

LAST WEEK'S:

Emma Bunton's dog, Phoebe, was found dead this week. The former Spice Girl is said to be distraught, inconsolable, and on the lookout for a new vocal coach.

All those years searching for Shergar in Ireland, and it turns out he was in Iceland!

THIS WEEK's:

Manchester United footballer Nani was involved in a car accident this week. His insurance company have disallowed his claim after it emerged the damaged wing of the car was offside.

After it was revealed that an alleged Mafia boss had rigged an Italian version of X-Factor to help his daughter win, the Metropolitan Police are said to be investigating claims that Boris Johnson is the illegitimate lovechild of Jamaican Yardies.

This week saw one of the largest mass weddings in history as 3,500 Moonies tied the knot in Seoul. The whole ceremony was over in less than 1 hour, although the best man's speech isn't expected to finish until early next week.

Market research company Kantar has claimed that there are 659 million Manchester United fans in the world. Originally they claimed there were only 333 million fans, but they increased their figure after Sir Alex Ferguson stood outside their offices tapping on his wrist.

JACKAPP

WELSH GUY:
I proposed to my girlfriend on Valentine's Day and got dumped. She was wearing this little black dress and looking flushed with emotion, so I went down on one knee and popped the question... apparently that was "inappropriate" at her mother's funeral.

Thanks for taking the time to put up that advice Stephen. The ones relating to my efforts certainly ring true and are great advice (feel a little embarrassed about the Bear Woods joke) and it's also really useful to pick up on the comments you've made for other people's work.

Quote: TheJaw @ February 22 2013, 1:29 PM GMT

Thanks for taking the time to put up that advice Stephen. The ones relating to my efforts certainly ring true and are great advice (feel a little embarrassed about the Bear Woods joke) and it's also really useful to pick up on the comments you've made for other people's work.

View original

Don't feel embarrassed we've all written / submitted something similar at one stage or another!

Quote: Eoin Carney @ February 21 2013, 9:12 PM GMT

Liked this one - only suggestion is to change "topless pictures of ..." to someone specific.

View original

OK, I'll work on making things a bit tighter!

Quote: StephenM @ February 22 2013, 11:37 AM GMT

Hi Cathy - I like this one, sometimes they go for puns, sometimes they don't!

As a bit of feedback in general I'd say have you thought of the most original angle for the gags, are you sure no-one is doing a one-liner similar to yours?

It's tough out there with over 700 e-mails this week that could be several thousand one-liners they're reading through. So perhaps think about is this a line no-one else will have thought off?

View original

Thanks for your feedback! It's definitely something to work on. Hopefully the more I write and if I start writing a bit earlier in the week I'll eventually be able to come up with something more original.

Cheers for the feedback Stephen M

Agree with what you say. May sound a bit anal but listened to the podcast for a second time but with a pen and paper and realised I was maybe over complicating things, and need to work on brevity.

Ps Although it was originally a Lib Dem policy, I think Miligram was talking about introducing a Mansion tax to pay for the 10p tax rate. I may be wrong though

Thanks again, here's to next week!

Intros
Sad news this week as Batmans comic sidekick Robin was killed off. "Life doesn't have to mirror art, right?" asked a worried Nick Clegg

Mark Zuckerman is offering financial rewards to scientists who can extend the human life span. A billionaire looking for immortality, is it just me or has he taken the first step towards Super Villon-hood?

A school netball team in Newcastle has been banned from playing in a national final because their registration fee was ten pence short. The coach said the decision was "very petty" which was also the reason for the sacking of their last coach

Newsjack Apps
I'm a better actor than Daniel Day Lewis. I've had more than three Oscars and I managed to convince all of them that size didn't matter...it does

I can't believe Pippa Middleton is replacing Delia Smith as a writer for Waitrose Magazine. How dare a magazine I never read replace someone I have no opinion of with someone else I have no opinion of? I'm so angry!

Nokia think they're so clever inventing a phone that only needs charging once a month. My phone only needs charging every two months, mainly because no one phones me. I don't have any friends and I've never been mis-sold PPI

Apparently George Galloway arrived for the oxford debate late and left when he saw his opponent - sounds like my date last week. She still charged me for the whole night though!

Is anyone else worried that Justin Bieber has been seen wearing a gas mask? I think this means the teenagers are planning something bad. Justin as head teenager you can stop this!

Why are people so surprised that a homeless man returned an engagement ring, it happens all the time. Only last week I got my engagement ring back from a tramp. I don't mean it. Please take me back

I'm not surprised one in twelve parents have a favourite child - I do. I love the little boy next door, much better than my kids

INTROS:
Silvio Berlusconi has survived an ambushing from topless feminists. Afterwards, he was said to be stirred but not shaken.

New research has found that booing footballers actually helps to improve their performance. It's also the best way to make them jump.

JACKAPPS:
I'm a pervert who can't keep his hands to himself. I wish Nick Clegg were my boss.

EXPAT:
There are too many doctors who can't speak a word of English! Especially out here in Russia.

The amount of money Egypt's spent on tear gas... it's positively eye-watering!

Russia have banned smoking in public. God, it makes you glad to live in the free world.

One in twelve parents has a favourite child. I don't - I detest mine equally.

NICK CLEGG:
Clegg has become one of Britain's fastest dying surnames. See, I told you I'd leave behind a legacy!

I like my credit ratings the same way I like my batteries. Triple A, long-lasting and inside my Rampant Rabbit.

I was once the unintended recipient of a naughty text message. Although to her credit, my wife did eventually apologise.

My Failures...

[LAUGHING AS SHE SPEAKS] Have you ever got to the last chapter of a book, realise you've been daydreaming and had to go back to the very start to work out the story? Not that I mind - this 50,000 page HS2 report is a real humdinging page turner. Page 1...

It wasn't a map of Britain but a map of my body that was the start of me divorcing my husband. He could wander from Land's End to John O' Groats, and still never find my places of interest.

[SOUND OF A LABOUR WARD IN BACKGROUND] Keep pushing, keep pushing. [ON PHONE - SERIOUS] Oh hello, I agree with the Head of the National Trust that wind turbines are the epitomy of modern day beauty. [A BABY CRIES] Oh honey, she's absolutely gorgeous....in an old fashioned non-metallic kind of way.

[MAN] I'm glad there's been so much interest in going from a triple to double letter rating, because there's definitely been a big and obvious cover up. Going from Triple X to Double X means all the nurses in my naughty nature video are fully clothed

I can't believe food producers have been cleverly hiding salt, sugar and fat to get us hooked on unhealthy food. If I'd of known their underhand tactics, I'd of checked the ingredients in my sodium crusted sweetened lard parcel before purchasing it.

[WELL SPOKEN WOMAN] Wanted to go more open plan so stencilled a few pics' on the lounge/dining room patrician-wall, and let it be known that it was the work of a man of mystery who had broken in. Look at the wall now, well you can't, stolen. DIY done by someone else. Fantastic.

I told a few porkies to the local council and have secured a place at St Marys School for Girls, the top single sex school in the area. I don't actually have a child, which just goes to show how strong the desire for a proper education is.

JACK APP: I bet that's the last time Ranulph Fiennes's wife asks him to go to the supermarket. She sends him off to find a large chilled plaice and he comes home with five frozen fingers!

JACK APP: I'm shocked that Yahoo staff lost the right to work from home. After watching that much Dickinson's Real Deal, you'd think their negotiating skills would be better than that.

JACK APP: Primark's big surge in sales may look as good as a top brand's if you don't look too closely at the details, but I expect it will start to come apart at the seams after about five minutes.

CORRECTION: We wrongly reported that the Oscars had been implicated in the illegal trade in human body parts. The confusion arose when Daniel Day-Lewis was overheard saying, "I'd give my right arm for a third Best Actor award. I got my first one for My Left Foot," and Martin Freeman replied, "Really? I only got a BAFTA for my John Watson."

CORRECTION: Last week, we reported that a new jury in the Vicky Pryce trial was about to be sworn in. After receiving a note from the jurors, we would like to clarify that the term "being sworn in" means that the judge shouts at you, "You're the *beep* jury - can't you *beep* stop sending me *beep* stupid notes and start paying attention to the *beep* evidence?"

This week's rejects

One Liners

A British firm has been chosen to construct the world's largest skyscraper in Saudi Arabia. When asked if British builders could adapt to strict Islamic laws, a spokesman said he wouldn't bet on it, which is a good start.

A study has shown students in England are equal to those from Taiwan and Hong Kong in maths at the age of 10, but fall way behind by the time the reach 16. Government officials are now trying to figure out what causes the decline in those 8 years.

The Food Standards agency have released the results from their tests on ready meals. Astonishingly, most were found to contain as much as 15% meat

Jack Apps

According to the Bank of England, my wife has been helping the Economy for years. Ever since we got married she has been showing a negative interest rate.

Here are some one-liners I sent in this week...

A patent suggests that Apple are currently working on a Smartwatch device, finally allowing people to pretend to check the time while watching videos of fat people falling over.

Several FBI agents have recently been suspended for sending nude pictures to their colleagues. They are also being examined as a possible terrorist threat after one described himself as a 'sex bomb'.

All signs are pointing to Edinburgh Zoo's pandas being close to mating. Both have started calling to one another, marking their scents, with the female panda Tian Tian even changing her Facebook status to 'In a Relationship'.

At long last Sony have revealed the PlayStation 4, which it turns out is just two PlayStation 2s taped together.

The BBC has reported that chemicals in UK waters may be responsible for problems with otters' reproductive systems. When we asked one to comment on the matter, he urinated on my shoe.

Many products have been withdrawn from shops in light of the recent horsemeat scandal, included are thousands of motorcycles after the term 'horsepower' was misinterpreted.

In response to recent breach to Facebook's server, MySpace have hired hackers to attack their site in an attempt to maintain the illusion that people still use it.

Following the recent meteor crash, Russia has officially declared war on space with five missiles and monkey having been fired into it thus far.

Intro one-liners:

Smoking volcanic vents have been discovered at depths of five thousand feet below sea level in the abyss of the Cayman Trench. Abysmal vents have been known to marine science since the nineteen seventies when researchers at the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute tuned into Seaside Special with Roger de Courcey and Nookie Bear.

Birdseye are the latest company to be implicated in the food mislabelling scandal. Their Captain's Pie has been found to contain traces of seahorse.

The Vatican has strongly refuted accusations that Pope Benedict the Sixteenth's resignation was prompted by a dossier revealing sexual and financial scandals in the Church. "Such speculation comes from those obsessed with money, sex and power being unable to see past such motivations even when looking at Mother Church," commented Cardinal Rodrigo Borgia.

INTRO;

Margaret Thatcher's Iron Bus went up for auction this week, the twenty-eight tonne beast, known for being with able to stand any assault... used the vehicle in an Northern Ireland tour in the eighties.

The hundred-and-one year old Marathon Man completed his last ever run in Hong Kong, clocking at just over an hour and a half, narrowly beating the Grim Reaper by two seconds.

JACKAPP;

I've got no pity for Cheryl Cole enduring fifteen hours of agony during her new tattoo; she should have taken another CD besides Girls Aloud's greatest hits.

You capitalist slaves need to lay off Galloway; I don't recognise Israel either, but geography has always been the tool of oppression, I should know, I'm a cartographer.

I'm disgusted to find MP's computers have been used to access hardcore porn sites more than two-thousand times; while my website Fat Naked Barry and his Parrot is shockingly still on zero hits.

I've bought Andrew Mitchell's infamous pleb bike on eBay, but he not deliver it to my door, as him and the bike can't make it through the gate.

I'm not surprised Adele picked up an Oscar; these big celebrities are always adopting kids.

Hey... erm... Hello? I was working on launching a smart-phone into space and if you can hear this it was clearly a success with just one minor drawback...