Hello British Comedy Guide. I can't see you but I bet you're all wearing smashing blouses.
Not been on here for a while and haven't written much recently so here's a new one. I'm a bit rusty and I don't think I've quite nailed the concept yet but I'm sure you'll see what I'm getting at.
MORON:
...I'm just saying that if global warming existed, there'd be some evidence. It's the middle of May and it was a bit chilly this morning. Where's your global warming now, eh?
ALICE:
What?! Virtually the entire scientific community is convinced of man-made global warming!
MORON:
No. I'm with Clarkson on this one. I think that...
MW:
Excuse me but I couldn't help overhearing your frankly moronic opinions on global warming.
MORON:
...there's obviously some sort of scheme to cover up the positive aspects of global warming...
MW:
Shhh... Shhh... whispermumblewhisperwhisper
MORON:
Well if that's true then only a complete idiot would confuse the weather outside their house on any given day with an overall global climate trend...
MW:
whispermumblewhisperwhisper
MORON:
Well yes - clearly a person would have to be monumentally stupid to believe that so 99% of the world's scientists were part of some massive conspiracy to get me to turn my thermostat down slightly...
MW:
whispermumblewhisperwhisper
MORON:
No you're right. Oh well, I'd best be off - I'm going to go trade my car in for a hybrid.
ALICE:
Wow! That was amazing - how did you do that?
MW:
I'm a moron whisperer.
ALICE:
What? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever...
MW:
whispermumblewhisperwhisper
ALICE:
Oh yes, when you put it like that it makes perfect sense but I bet there's some trick to it like Derren Brown or something.
MW:
whispermumblewhisperwhisper
ALICE:
But on the other hand, becoming a Moron Whisperer must take years of intense practice and an intricate knowledge of the workings of human psychology. Can I see you do it to another moron?
GEORGE:
Hello Alice!
ALICE:
(ASIDE) Here's one. (BEAT)George! What perfect timing! We were just discussing the subject of gay marriage...
GEORGE:
Don't get me started! How can they just redefine the institution of marriage like that? What about all the families it will destroy and how are we supposed to explain to our children why two men want to get married, eh? What next - will they make it legal to marry, I don't know, a shoe or something, eh? Eh?
MW:
Shhh...Shhh... whispermumblewhisperwhisper
GEORGE:
Well no, of course it's logically impossible for the exact genital configuration of a random stranger's spouse to have any impact on my own marriage...
MW:
whispermumblewhisperwhisper
GEORGE:
...and I suppose, when you think about it, most gay people are the product of heterosexual marriages after all...
MW:
whispermumblewhisperwhisper
GEORGE:
Exactly! Well this has been a fascinating chat. I think I might grab a copy of Brokeback Mountain on the way home, see what all the fuss is about, eh? Bye Alice.
ALICE:
Wow! Again. You really must teach me how to do that!
MW:
whispermumblewhisperwhisper
ALICE:
Yes I suppose enrolling on your online course would be the best idea. And two and a half grand seems very reasonable... Hang on! You're doing it to me aren't you? You're moron whispering me! GASP! You're using your powers for evil! You...
MW:
whispermumblewhisperwhisper
ALICE:
Fair enough. Well it's been an absolute pleasure meeting you. Shame you have to leave so soon. (PAUSE) What a lovely chap - I'd hate to be a moron while he's nearby though!