Int: Standard office, two men sit either side of a desk.
One an ex professional wrestler (EPW) (retired) the other a business man (BM).

BM: Now Robert..

EPW: (Interrupts) Its Vlad, brother!!

BM: Ok, er.. Vlad. Now its only your first day and I was hoping not to have to caution you so early but a number
of incidents occurred today which caused some issues in the office.
Now it's not necessary every morning to arrive to the sound of loud rock music nor is it appropriate to stand on
your desk and taunt your colleagues? Mavis and Ted were quite alarmed by this outburst. They have 30 years
service you know

EPW: But that's my routine man!

BM: Yes but you don't work in wrestling any more.
Next you don't call a meeting by clearing a space in the office and insulting the other employees into coming to
your meeting, Martin's man boobs are glandular and not to be drawn to anyone's attention.

EPW: But..

BM: (Interrupts) Stop now, I have some more. Ok the canteen, now Doris is just a month off retirement. Was it
really necessary to argue over some small change? Because when you ripped her shirt off in front of the whole staff no
one was expecting to see that tattoo, least of all Doris. Who knew she liked Judas Priest but that's beyond fandom. Anyway, it was
embarrassing and bordering on harassment.

EPW: She was hot tho..

BM: What? no no stop.
Look the upshot is I'm going to have to leave you go.

EPW: No way Man! (Stands up and catches the boss by the tie)

BM: NO VLAD DON'T DO IT.

Vlad leaves tie go and turns his back on the BM, the BM proceeds to pick up a folding chair and clatter Vlad in the back of the Head.
BM Rips off his shirt and looks down at an unconscious Vlad

BM: YOUR FIRED!!!

Great idea that was well told and very easy to picture.
There were a few spelling and layout gaffs, I thought, but I could really follow this one clearly, almost see it, and it was fun.
I should bave liked the boss to have an all-in-one suit that he could rip off like the Hulk, with rippling muscles and some kind of wrestlers outfit on underneath. That's basically what you're describing I guess.
Good stuff, anyhow

Thanks
yeah on screen you could really ham it up with the boss at the end :-)
If you don't mind could you highlight the issues you found just for my own feedback
Thanks
J

Glad to be of help. Only my thoughts, of course, but I know how good it is to get pleasant ones!
Sure, of course you may highlight my comments. I've no idea what it means but fill ya boots, mate!
Hopefully I won't be getting a visit from the Mafia

Not bad at all, the layout is all over the gaff but the content is funny and it works. Ask anyone what they'd rather have to work on, layout or content?

Being able to create the humour is the cornerstone and you have that, the rest you can learn, but it doesn't work the other way round.

I know there must be people on a par with English language professors, who couldn't write funny with a broken f**king pen!

So no reason to be disheartened but the flow of the layout really helps a piece so get on it and benefit from it,

Thanks guys.
Wrote it on Notepad on the fly so formatting is not the best as stated.
By Layout, do you mean "formatting"? Or the structure of the piece?
Thanks Again

Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ September 11 2012, 11:22 PM BST

I know there must be people on a par with English language professors, who couldn't write funny with a broken f**king pen!

View original

I think most people would find it hard to write with a broken pen. I think you have an idea in this sketch Tjholsdad but you have reported it rather than dramatised it until the end bit. Why not dramatise it from the beginning?

It was a 'f**king' broken pen, do keep up!

I know it spoiled the cadence of your rhythm but it didn't alter its meaning.

Thanks
Great feedback, point understood.
Back to the drawing board :-) (Maybe that's the problem! I need a writing desk not a drawing board)
J

For a person with only ten posts under their belt I thought it was a pretty decent attempt.

Quote: Tjholsdad @ September 12 2012, 11:41 AM BST

Thanks
Great feedback, point understood.
Back to the drawing board :-) (Maybe that's the problem! I need a writing desk not a drawing board)
J

View original

No worries

Quote: Marc P @ September 12 2012, 11:10 AM BST

I know it spoiled the cadence of your rhythm but it didn't alter its meaning.

View original

It does actually.

My pen is f**king broken.

The statement indicates the pen is broken, with "f**king" acting as a modifier to emphasise the brokenness: f**king broken.

My f**king pen is broken.

This statement indicates the pen used for f**king is broken: my f**king pen.

If it is used for f**king it is not used for writing comedy, either way it is broken and cannot be used to write. So no, it doesn't.

Now we enter the real site, post upon f**king post of banal dissecting of words.
My advice would be to get over it and write some f**king comedy!