Keeping track sketch.....

Another wee sketch for critique......

THERE IS A MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN PERCHED ON A DESK WITH SHORT HAIR DRESSED VERY SMARTLY IN A TROUSER SUIT. A SIGN ON THE WALL READS ‘SAME SEX MARRIAGE COUNSELLING’ AND A LARGE NAME PLAQUE ON HER DESK READS ‘DR. MARGARET REID’. SITTING OPPOSITE HER ARE JUSTIN AND MATTHEW WHOSE SEATS ARE QUITE PURPOSELY FAR APART.

DR REID
(FINISHES A CONVERSATION ON HER PHONE AND TAKES A SEAT) So Mr and Mr Taylor-Jones. What seems to be the problem?

JUSTIN
I’ll tell you what the problem is – he can’t be trusted. Ever since we became husband and husband he’s been out partying ‘till all hours.

MATTHEW
He’s paranoid. He thinks I’m getting it on with other guys, going back to their place for a quickie then coming home.

JUSTIN
He never tells me where he’s going, who he’s with or when he’s coming back.

DR REID
I think I may have the solution to your problem.

SHE OPENS THE TOP DRAWER OF HER DESK AND TAKES OUT A SMALL PINK ITEM OF SIMILAR SIZE TO A MOBILE PHONE.

DR REID
Here we have the latest G.P.S. technology on the market.

JUSTIN
G.P.S.?

DR REID
Yes, Gay Positioning System.

MATTHEW
You what? – you gotta be kidding me.

DR REID
Not at all, a small chip is inserted under the skin right here (SHE POINTS TO ONE SIDE OF HER NECK) and a signal is sent via satellite to this device here (SHE LIFTS UP THE SMALL ITEM).

JUSTIN
And it would tell me exactly where he is at all times?

DR REID
To within 2 metres – it’s extremely accurate. It is programmed with every gay bar, nightclub, florist, hairdressers, interior design shop, beauty salon and public toilet in the country – and the list goes on.

JUSTIN
Sounds fantastic.

MATTHEW
Sounds bloody painful more like.

DR REID
Not really – it’s like getting a piercing.

JUSTIN
Well he’s pierced all over, so that wont be a problem.

DR REID
Yes, I can see that by his ear(WE SEE ONE OF MATTHEW’S EARS WITH SEVERAL PIERCINGS ON IT).

JUSTIN
And then there’s the nipple rings, belly-button ring and tongue stud. He’s even got one on his fore…..

DR REID
(WITH A PAINED EXPRESSION) Foreskin!?

JUSTIN
No, four fingers of his left hand.

MATTHEW HOLDS UP HIS LEFT HAND TO REVEAL A STUD ON EACH FINGER KNUCKLE.

MATTHEW.
(TO JUSTIN) OK – if I agree to get this will you get off my back?

JUSTIN
Off your back? – I can’t even remember how that feels!– I WILL stop nagging you if that’s what you mean.

MATTHEW
(TO DR REID) Are there any side effects I should know about?

DR REID
Well, it’s not exactly a side effect but if Justin was to press this button here (POINTS TO LARGE BUTTON) it will activate a homing device. You will have no control over your movements and will make your own way home immediately.

MATTHEW
(ANGRILY) Now you’re just pulling my leg – I’m out of here (HE STANDS UP).

JUST THEN, A LOUD BEEPING NOISE SOUNDS AND A RED LIGHT FLASHES FROM THE SURFACE OF THE DOCTORS SKIN ON HER NECK. SHE GETS UP QUICKLY AND STARTS WALKING TOWARDS THE DOOR AND LOOKS AT HER WATCH.

DR REID
Shit – I told Elizabeth I would be home for lunch – got to go, sorry!

JUSTIN AND MATTHEW LOOK STUNNED AS SHE WALKS OUT THE DOOR.

Hi Andy

Enjoyed the idea and there are a couple of good jokes in here.

It seems a lot stronger at the beginning; you're hitting thick and fast with the jokes at the start and then your set-ups seem to be taking longer to get to the punchline later on in the script.

With the 'Mr and Mr...' and 'Husband and Husband'. This may flow better in speech if you say 'Ever since we became man and Husband...' in the second bit as they're sort of the same joke in a way.

The foreskin/four fingers joke doesn't quite work. It is funny but you either need a different punchline or new setup. 'He's even got one on *the* fore...' may work a bit better but I still don't think it's quite there.

The ending is funny but it's not as much of a surprise as it could be. When she points to the large button, it would flow better if she actually pressed it and activated her lover to turn up.
'It actually works very, *very* well. See?'
Then she could cut short her appointment with them, alluding to sex in some way. 'Well, now she's here I'm not going to waste this opportunity. Good day, gentlemen. I'm sure you can see yourselves out'.

Or (just thought of and certainly better than the above idea)
Matthew already has a tracking device, obtained from some bint he picked up last night at the gay bar, and the receptionist outside (he'll obviously have to be a bloke) has pressed the button and he ups and leaves, walking out to reception.

I'd get reference to 'His'n'His' towel sets in there if you can! Old joke maybe, but it's a throwaway gag you can use for an extra laugh.

Hope this helps

Dan

I'm sure you could get a "Gay-dar" joke in there aswell.

Or, changing the situation slightly. The doctor could be male, and when he presses the button, the fella that comes in is someone the other guy has been sneaking out to see.

I also don't think the foreskin joke works. You could make it cruder though by saying "foreskin?" - "No, the four fingers on his left hand. Oh, and one through his cock"

Thanks guys - that is just the sort of constructive stuff I was wanting. I did this sketch a while back when GPS's first hit big time and I knew it wasn't quite there at the time so put it aside.

Thought it was worth putting up for critique as I do feel there is a good sketch idea there but I was losing the way somewhat.
Some great ides from you both and can't help but agree with all the areas for improvement - makes we want to pick this one up again and 'polish it off'.

As for "his n' his towels" and "gay-dar" - I purposely avoided these believe it or not! ;o)

Thanks again - just what I was looking for.

Andy

Keep going with it. I would.

I think rather than deliberately avoid 'his'n'his' towels and 'gay-dar' jokes, bring them unexpectedly out of left-field. Build it up as though you're going somewhere else and then hit them with the punchlines 'his'n'his' and 'gay-dar' will keep them interested, however 'old' the joke seems.

Actually for the towels, use 'her'n'her' instead! It's a bit of a twist. And have the counsellor making a joke and using the punchline 'dar-gay' so it falls flat on its face.

EDIT: Actually, it fits in here:

DR REID
Yes, Gay Positioning System. Think of it as a 21st Century Gaydar.

Dan

Hi Andy

I thought that this was a nice sketch but agree that it got a bit stodgy as it progressed.

I think that the suggestions made would indeed improve the overall thing but can't really think of anything else at the moment of my own bat.

Does the chip have to be so small and does it have to be inserterted in the neck, hint, hint? Just a thought. Also you can use Homo-Device instead of Gaydar.