Updated for Kirrin Island...

ATMOS:MECHANIC'S GARAGE SOUNDS

SMITH:Excuse me.

MECHANIC:Good afternoon squire. What can we do for you?

SMITH:I was wondering if you could fix this for me.

MECHANIC:Well it's mostly cars we fix here mate but I'll get it up on the ramp and have a look. What is it? An economy?

SMITH:Yes. I'm afraid we haven't looked after it very well. A couple of years ago the credit started making a nasty crunching sound. We kept saying we'd do something about it but we basically just ignored it.

MECHANIC:Why didn't you bring it in?

SMITH:You know - that whole 'we're in it together' thing. We just left it outside and hoped that a passer-by would volunteer to fix it for free.

MECHANICK. Let's crank up the VAT a little and see how it sounds.

F/X:CAR ENGINE TURNING OVER BUT NOT STARTING

MECHANICSUCKING NOISE) Sounds like your central bank collateral has gone mate. What's it got on the clock?

SMITH:About a 21 billion pound deficit.

MECHANICo it's definitely due a service. Have you checked your double dipstick?

SMITH:Yes. It was below the 'austerity' marker.

MECHANIC:I thought it might be. Ah (BEAT) here's one of your problems. It's a ringer.

SMITH:What do you mean?

MECHANIC:Not all the parts are original. It's been cut up and stuck together from bits that don't really go with each other. Look here squire, this NHS procurement policy has been crudely welded on from an American model.

SMITH:Is that bad?

MECHANIC:Well it's certainly knackered your warranty. Let's see if we can get it started up again. I'll just lower this corporate tax rate and see if that gets it going.

F/X:CAR ENGINE TURNING OVER BUT NOT STARTING

MECHANIC:No, that didn't work. Now your 'pay banker bonus' light is just flashing constantly. (BEAT) Hang on mate, I've had a thought. Stan!...Stan! Have we got a replacement foreign exchange rate for a G8 capitalism-orientated mixed economy?

STANOFF) Nah, I used the last one to shore up the balance of payments on that run-down old Greek economy that came in last week.

MECHANICorry squire, I'm going to have to order one in. Could take a week or so. We can lend you our courtesy economy? It's mostly PFI so it will probably cost more than it will save in the long run but it should be OK for now.

SMITH:I guess that will do. But you're sure you'll be able to fix it?

MECHANIC:Yeah, should be okay. I'll give you a call if we get it back up and running. If not, just strip it down, sell the best bits to your mates and tell your insurance company a Lib Dem rear-ended you while you were parked. Be lucky squire.

That is a really clever sketch. I like it a lot.

Nice

I like.

I wonder if

SMITH: You know - that whole 'we're in it together' thing. We just left it outside and hoped that a passer-by would volunteer to fix it for free

would be better with "big society" instead of "we're in it together"

Really well written. My only thought is whether there is an opportunity to make the Greek reference something along the lines of having been exposed to too much grease?
Thanks for submitting this. I can envisage us using it for the recording and podcast.
Alison.

It's a runner!

I meant to say "your big society's gone"

Quote: Badge @ May 22 2012, 9:18 AM BST

I meant to say "your big society's gone"

View original

Yeah that works

Quote: LippyAlison @ May 22 2012, 9:39 AM BST

Yeah that works

View original

Booyah!

I do think good as it is, you can maybe trim some of the lines and gag some of the others up.

These Greek Models can't pull out
These Greek models haven't got breaks

Excellent stuff, as I said way back when. Cheers for posting, Marc.

Agree with Badge and Alison's suggestions. Trying to think of somewhere to crowbar in a reference to Credit Default Swaps...

Great work! Ta

Dan

Thanks all.

Dan, feel free to edit as you see fit. If I'd seen much news recently and knew what credit default swaps were, I'd try to put a reference in!

Cheers Marc, will do.

If I'm honest, showing off about something I eventually understood the 200th time I rewinded it, then forgot, is probably going to be lost on the listening public.

Dan

I must admit, in general, I don't really like this sort of topical comedy. That's why I don't contribute - or listen - to Newsjack. But I have to say this is a really nice little sketch, and and excellent example of the genre: simple set up, and jokes slathered on thick and fast. Douze points from the Gappy Jury.

I've always liked this sketch. Lets hope it finds a home.

Really good sketch - as many others have said!

The only minor things I can suggest are:
- instead of a couple of years ago at the start guess now we should say a few years ago
- the deficit is £121bn not a mere £21bn

Picky I know!

For me the lines that could do with tightening the most are:

(BEAT) Hang on mate, I've had a thought. Stan!...Stan! Have we got a replacement foreign exchange rate for a G8 capitalism-orientated mixed economy?

STAN: (OFF) Nah, I used the last one to shore up the balance of payments on that run-down old Greek economy that came in last week.

MECHANIC: Sorry squire, I'm going to have to order one in. Could take a week or so.

So perhaps something on Greece / grease might work here.

But superb sketch. Well done.