Why not, hasn't he got a satnav? .......Oh I see! Where did you hear this strange joke, in China?
Quote: Oldrocker @ November 4 2010, 9:19 PM GMTWhat do you give a sick budgie?
Tweetment.
Oh I love budgie jokes.
The barman says to his wife 'Here, I think the lemons are a bit old luv, this one feels furry. His wife said 'Oi you just squeezed the budgie into that bloke's drink.'
Nothing succeeds like a budgie with no teeth - B Hill
Quote: Alfred J Kipper @ November 6 2010, 10:20 AM GMT
The extended gag being that budgies have developed a canereal disease called chirpies, but it is tweetable.
A man goes into the barber's and says,
"I'll have a 'Tony Curtis' please"
"Certainly, sir, one Tony Curtis coming up!"
The barber then proceeds to shave all of the guy's hair off.
The customer is horrified.
"What the f**k is that?"
"One 'Tony Curtis' sir, as requested!"
The man is apoplectic.
"Do you even have the faintest idea what Tony Curtis looks like?"
"Should do, Sir - I've seen "The King & I" enough times."
I don't know why this makes me laugh - but it does.
Or an alternative ending to the above joke is:
The barber gives him a short back and sides
The customer says 'that is nothing like Tony curtis's style'
The barber replies - it would be if he came in here
I'm defending your honour madam, which is more than you ever did
Groucho Marx
Not sure if it's classic or old, but it made me laugh.
A woman meets a man in bar and goes back to his place. During the evening she notices three rows of teddy bears sat on shelves in his bedroom.
The bottom shelf has small bears, the middle shelf bigger bears and there are large bears at the top. The woman thinks this bloke must be sensitive and that he could be the one.
So she f**ks him, sucks him and takes it up the arse.
Next morning the woman asks the man "How was I?". The man replies "Not bad at all, help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf".
What's the difference between Scotsman and Walt Disney?
A Scotsman plays the bagpipes but Walt Disney.
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What's the difference between a seagull and a baby?
A seagull flits across the shore...
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What's the difference between a cross country run and Gary Rhodes?
One's a pant in the country...
My dog's got no nose
How does he smell?
Achtung Panzer!
Whats the best way to stop a dog from shagging your leg?
Pick it up and suck its cock.
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Whats brown and sticky?
A twig.
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Did you hear about the rastafarian baker who once saw a muder being committed?
He was a Jah Hovis Witness
(This is one of mine that I sent to Jimmy Carr just to see what happens!)
One oldie format was the travelling salesman arriving at an Inn/Farm looking for a bed for the night and the joke did the rounds with various forms/punchlines but usually the story involved the salesman sharing a room with the proprietors daughter.
The best one in this genre I heard was :
Salesman : I'm looking for a bed for the night.
Innkeeper : Ok but you will have to share a bed with me.
Salesman : Oh shit, I'm in the wrong joke !
Only for really-really old people - the earliest punchlines I can remember:
1) "Tooth-hurtee";
2) "The Isle of Wight ferry";
3) "The Lone Plum";
4) "A digestive biscuit with an outboard motor".
5) "DUNG!"