This is my first draft for an episode of a sitcom called 'Street Theatre' about the lives of Covent Garden buskers/street performers, following them in normal day to day situations and how life on the streets has effected how they act in everday life.

This is just the first couple of Scenes...I just want to get some feedback.

STREET THEATRE - "AND THEN THERE WAS CURRY"

SCENE 1

INT. STEVEN'S FLAT – EVENING
JASON IS SAT, RELAXED ON THE SOFA WATCHING TV WHILE EATING A CURRY. ON THE TV IS A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT PLASTIC SURGERY.

TELEVISION NOISE (O.O.V)
“The procedure is not easy, and Doctor Falhak has to be extremely careful when making the incision..”

JASON SQUINTS HIS EYES AND TITLS HIS HEAD ON THE SIDE, TRYING TO MAKE OUT WHAT IS HAPPENING ON THE SCREEN, AFTER A COUPLE OF SECONDS HE REALISES AND A LOOK OF DDISGUST FALLS UPON HIS FACE. STEVEN COMES THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR, WHISTLING.

JASON
You're whistling..what's going on..since when do you whistle?

STEVEN
I whistle

STEVEN THROWS HIS BAG ON THE FLOOR

JASON
No no..you always say whistling is just a replacement for people who can't make conversation

STEVEN
Well I changed my mind

STEVEN WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN AND POURS HIMSELF A DRINK.JASON MEANWHILE TUCKS INTO HIS CURRY.

JASON
(Shouts with a mouthful of curry) A good day of busking then?

STEVEN (O.O.V)
(Shouts) You could say that

STEVEN WALKS BACK INTO THE LOUNGE WITH HIS DRINK

JASON
Look I don't like this self confidence..it doesn't suit you..what are you so pleased about?

STEVEN SITS DOWN ON THE ARMCHAIR

STEVEN
I talked to a girl

JASON
(Laughs) You talked to a girl? And that's the reason for this sudden confidence boost?

JASON STUFFS MORE CURRY DOWN HIS MOUTH

STEVEN
You know how I am with the opposite sex..situations like this don't come along that often for me..but under my facepaint I'm like a different man..

JASON
That's because you're a statue

STEVEN
True..but Jason you ought to see this girl..she was beautiful, funny, smart..elegant..

JASON
And you were talking to this girl for how long?

STEVEN
A couple of minutes

JASON
And you picked up all that information on her in 2 minutes?

JASON SCOFFS MORE CURRY

STEVEN
How can you eat that stuff?

JASON
Oh come on don't start lecturing me on what to eat again

STEVEN
Look at it though..no way can that be good for you

JASON
What are you..a nutitrionist? You want me to go take a dump..you can examine my crap and tell me how long I have left to live..you're a busker like me, don't pretend you understand healthy eating

STEVEN
Hey I happen to know lots about healthy eating

JASON
Like what?

STEVEN
Well...I know that a tomato is a fruit

JASON
A tomato's a fruit?

STEVEN
Yeah

JASON
I never knew that

STEVEN
Yeah..it's weird isn't it

JASON
How come you don't put them in the fruit bowl then?

STEVEN
You just don't..anyway all I'm saying is, that stuff is bad for you

JASON
Why so?

STEVEN
Anything that requires one of 'these' (picks up a poppodom) to stop your mouth from completey burning..should not be edible

JASON
(Laughs) You've never even tasted it..I don't get people like you..how can you say you don't like something when you haven't even tasted it

STEVEN
I don't like any of Robin Williams' new films and I haven't tasted them..the fact is it's not that I don't like the taste..it's that I don't like the look of it..and that makes me not want to taste it

JASON
(Laughs) You have some strange ways of thinking..anyway this girl..she gotta a name?

STEVEN
Loretta

JASON
Loretta..I once went out with a girl called Loretta

STEVEN
(Smiles)It won't be the same one

JASON
(Laughs) You meeting her again?

JASON FINISHES THE LAST OF HIS CURRY

STEVEN
Yeah..we're going for a meal tommorow night..I'm picking her up at hers at around 7:30

JASON
Whoa..I'm impressed

STEVEN
So am I..but tommorow I have to be me..I hate being me..'me' is not good, it's embarrassing..I'm a social misfit..I mean buskers don't do fancy meals..what if the menu is only in foreign..how will I know what to order?

JASON
For Christ's sake, it's not gonna be in Pig Latin Steve..I think the word 'steak' is universal in most langauges..just stop worrying about it, this is a good thing

STEVEN
Yeah you're right..this is a good thing

JASON
Yeah relax..(points to the TV) you seen this..documentary on plastic surgery..Laura from my workshop told me to watch it

STEVEN
What..and she's your TV Guide now is she?

JASON
(Laughs) No, but I thought I'd give it a try..why do they make programmes like this?

STEVEN
Cos they know people like you will watch them

JASON
Not if it wasn't on I wouldn't

STEVEN
(Somewhat confused) Obviously

JASON
Hey I'm not at University tommorow so I'm coming busking with you

STEVEN
Okay..what do you think I should do tommorow..statue or shall I juggle with you?

JASON
Up to you..you can come and juggle with my balls if you want (laughs)

STEVEN
(Smirks)

SCENE 2 – ACT I

EXT. COVENT GARDEN AREA – DAY
HARRIETTE IS PAINTING A SMART LOOKING GENTLEMEN IN A SUIT AND TIE, SHE SEEMS BORED WITH HIS CONVERSATION AS SHE TAKES OFF HER BERET AND PLACES IT ON THE FLOOR BY HER SIDE.

GENTLEMAN
..So I said to him..'of course the figures are going to be down on last years Malcolm, it's common knowledge that every year the statistics drop at least 14%'..and well after that he didn't know how to respond, he started stuttering and squirming..I mean the problem with selling 'plug extensions' is..

HARRIETTE
You know..(smiling) it's really best you don't talk while I'm painting..

GENTLEMAN
Oh

HARRIETTE
I mean no offence..I would love to hear more about the wonderful world of plug extensions..I've got many myself, maybe too many..you know when I go to bed at night, I'm scared that the amount of wires coming from my TV might cause the whole apartment to 'BLOW'

GENTLEMAN
Oh well what you should do is..

HARRIETTE
(Sharpyly interrupts) BUT..like I said I'd prefer it if you remained silent so I can concentrate on the painting

GENTLEMAN
Very well..but you must pop by my workplace and I can help you solve your television problems

HARRIETTE
I'll just take a business card

SCENE 2 – ACT II

EXT. COVENT GARDEN AREA – DAY
STEVEN AND JASON ARE JUGGLING, PASSERS-BY THROW CHANGE INTO THEIR CASE ON THE FLOOR.

JASON
So..your date tonight..you ready for it?

STEVEN
Well it's not exactly a date is it..it's more of just a 'meet up'

JASON
No..a man and woman who aren't related going out to dinner..that's a 'date'

STEVEN
(Laughs)Although a man and woman that ARE related going out for dinner IS a date in some parts of the country

JASON
(Laughs) So what you gonna wear?

STEVEN
What's with the interrogation?

JASON
I'm just making sure that's all

STEVEN
Well I'm not gonna go in my silver facepaint and statue costume if that's what your thinking

JASON
(Laughs) That would be funny though

LORETTA IS WALKING TOWARDS STEVEN AND JASON

STEVEN
That's her! (Steven points her out)

JASON
Who..Loretta?

STEVEN
Yeah..Loretta

JASON
(In disbelief) You didn't manage to get a date with her

STEVEN
Oh yes I did my friend..(Shouts)..Loretta!

LORETTA TURNS AROUND AND IS A LITTLE CONFUSED

LORETTA
Do I know you?

STEVEN
(Laughs) 'Do you know me'..that's funny

LORETTA
Oh this is really embarrassing..should I know you..I have a terrible memory..your voice sounds familiar though

JASON TURNS HIS HEAD AND LAUGHS

STEVEN
It's Steven..I met you here yesterday..we're going out tonight

LORETTA
Uh-uh..Steven was a statue

STEVEN
Yeah I know it was me..sometimes I'm a statue..sometimes a juggler..I'm a man of many disguises

JASON
You're not a James Bond villian Steve

STEVEN
I don't understand..how can you not remember me?

LORETTA
I don't remember 'you' because I've never met 'you'..Steven was silver..you're not silver

JASON
(Whispers to Steven) Maybe she thinks your skin colour was really silver, going to the meal dressed as the statue doesn't seem such a bad idea anymore

STEVEN
I can't believe this

LORETTA
(Starts to laugh) I'm just pulling your leg silly

STEVEN
Oh

LORETTA
Of course I remember you..(to Jason) He thought I didn't remember him

JASON
(Laughs)

STEVEN
Right..so we're still on for tonight?

LORETTA
We most certaintly are

STEVEN
Great..(puts on a 'posh accent') We can sip fine champagne and eat fondue

LORETTA
What's that suppose to be?

JASON
Take no notice of him..he seems to have this irrational fear of 'smart restuarants' for some reason

LORETTA
Oh..well we don't have to go to a restaurant if you don't want to..where do you want to go?..Burger Bar, the Chicken Hut..hey I know we could buy some Ginsters Pasties and some Cider and go sit under a bridge

STEVEN
No..no it's fine, I was just pulling your leg..I'm looking forward to it

LORETTA
Okay then..I'll see you later on

STEVEN
7:30

LORETTA
7:30

LORETTA WALKS OFF

JASON
What were you thinking?

STEVEN
What?

JASON
(Mocking Steven) 'Sip fine wine and eat fondue'..what was all that about..you all most blew the first date you've had in years

STEVEN
It was a joke..what she's allowed to joke but I aren't?

JASON
Yeah but her joke was funny

HARRIETTE STORMS OVER TO STEVEN AND JASON

HARRIETTE
I can't believe it..somebody has actually stolen my beret

STEVEN
Huh?

HARRIETTE
My beret..'stolen'..somebody has walked over..seen my beret..liked my beret..and then stolen my beret..who steals a beret?

JASON
Aww you love that beret

HARRIETTE
I love that beret..I mean how dare somebody have the nerve to steal my beret

JASON
Come on I'm sure Pierre has means of getting you more berets

HARRIETTE
Just because he's French doesn't mean he has berets..French people don't wear berets..it's a stereotype..just like Scottish people all wearing kilts..it doesn't happen

STEVEN, JASON AND HARRIETTE ALL TURN TO LOOK AT RORY PLAYING HIS BAGPIPERS AND REALISE HE'S WEARING A KILT.

HARRIETTE(CONT'D)
That's besides the point..I'm gonna find this beret theif and when I do(pauses) I'll take my beret back and tell them what for

STEVEN
'What for' like you're gonna tell them why you're taking it, or 'what for' like give them a piece your mind

HARRIETTE
The latter..the LATTER

JASON
You know it's hard to be serious when the word 'beret' is the subject matter

That's all I'll post for now...I've written the full episode, but I'll see how the feedback goes.

No comments yet...anyone?

I liked it. I like that the guys are buskers. Loads of funny things can happen to them when they are busking.
It put me there at the scene. I liked this...
STEVEN
Yeah I know it was me..sometimes I'm a statue..sometimes a juggler..I'm a man of many disguises

JASON
You're not a James Bond villian Steve

Oh and the

JASON
(Laughs) You've never even tasted it..I don't get people like you..how can you say you don't like something when you haven't even tasted it

STEVEN
I don't like any of Robin Williams' new films and I haven't tasted them..the fact is it's not that I don't like the taste..it's that I don't like the look of it..and that makes me not want to taste it

That tickled me loads.

Also the bit about examining his poop. Mostly I liked that coz I am a filthy coo

Thanks very much Charley, I appreciate the comments. The "its not that I dont like the taste..its that I dont like the look of it.." line is one I use myself on many occasions, as I am a very picky eater lol.

bump

Hi Martin. I like it. It's gently humorous and I like the setting - it presents lots of possibilities. I think there's a potentially pleasing warmth to the characters and the setting. Good on ya!

Cheers Fred, yeah the gentle humour and the characters is what I was aiming for, I didn't want to make something with vulgar language and 'awkard humour' with crappy one dimensional characters. I want the three main characters to be the driving force of the show and the relationship between them and their dialogue to bring the humour, with the situation coming secondary yet still providing laughs.

+ve: Nice intro, easy to get a handle on the characters, believable dialogue. Great concept - I'm sure there's a lot of scope for fun with the busking scene, based around Covent Garden. And you set up the date quickly without any trouble (I assume the episode is about what happens on the date, and what arises from it?)

-ve: On the downside, although it's pleasantly amusing I didn't think there were enough laughs. And talking of laughs, I would have preferred not to have so many "laughs" in parantheses. If the dialogue is delivered in a dry way it might be funnier - perhaps this is just my personal preference.

Thanks Badge, yeah the episode is about what happens on the date and what arises from it, a simple plot but one that I think can be set up quite nicely due to the characters and the dialoge.

Yeah they may not be enough laughs, like I say its just a first draft so I will be going over it, a lot of the laughs also would be based on the delivery and may not look as good written down. The reason I wanted the (laughs) in was to show that the characters get on with each other and laugh at each others jokes, because thats one thing that annoys me about a lot of sitcoms, the characters say genuinely funny things yet the other characters (who are suppose to be friends) never laugh at them.

Hey Martin - just managed to get round to reading this. I have to say on the whole I agree with the other guys - I enjoyed reading it. It seemed to flow well and wasn't a chore to read at all. The only thing I was going to point out has already been touched upon by Badge and answered by yourself and that was with regards to the (laughs) that you added as there were about several of them within just 2 scenes. I am a real believer that that is solely our (the viewer's) job and I don't want to be given any clues as to where and when I should be chuckling (kind of why I hate all that canned laughter rubbish we see on our screens - either it's funny or it ain't). In saying that I totally see where you are coming from in your reply so don't take that as any real criticism - especially from a complete novice like myself. I also think that many of the laughs that we the audience would have would simply be in viewing some of these scenes - these are the laughs that are not always easy to portray in words and is as much down to do with the quality of the casting and acting I guess. I have written a draft sitcom myself and I can visualise it so well that I can see so many things I find funny that aren't actually written down due to they way I see them acted out etc - and I see this very much in the same way. Good work mate and if you do post any more of this I will certaily give it a read.
Andy.

Thanks Andy. Yes your right the way I see it been acted and delivered makes it more funny, so that may not come across well on paper, although you picked up on it.

Again about the (laughs) this is just to show that the characters are good mates, who find each other funny, I know that sitcoms usually rely on confrontation and there is/will be plenty of that in Street Theatre but I also want to show that characters get on, otherwise what's the point of having them living together and been mates if they are alway arguing.

Totally understand mate - keep with it, it certainly has potential there and could be 'done on the cheap' too which is just what the decision makers are looking for - a couple of inside locations and perhaps just the one outside location and Robert's your Aunties hubby - you have a cheap-to-make sit-com.

Yeah, the main locations would be the flat, the Covent Garden area and a cafe location in the Covent Garden area.

Hi Martin

I like the idea: it's quite original and (should be!) cheap to film which'll get you plus points with production companies.

The scene where the girl pretends she doesn't know him is very funny. That was good too. There are some nice one-liners.

I agree with Badge and Andy about the (laughs). I, personally, don't think your sitcom characters should be laughing along with each other. I think we know they get on by virtue of the fact that they're doing stuff together; they don't need to laugh along and, as Andy hints at, an audience my find this a bit patronising and be offended that they're being told when, where and how loud to laugh.

Two main things stand out to me:
(1) The other main character needs to have some sort of plot set up for him early on. Then at least you're not concentrating on the one story. Helps to switch between the action and keeps the viewer interested.
(2) Stuff you say and points you make are taking too long to say. A lot of jokes are 'throwaway' and could appear anywhere in any episode (in particular your observations on life ie tomatoes, the curry). I'd cut them and the vast majority of your words in the first scene and set up a plot for each character in that scene to get straight to the point and hook the viewer. It reads like two mates chatting in front of the TV, which may be what it is but that's not really what people want from their sitcom!
If you are going to make observational jokes, I'd try to link them all to their busking and street performing society that they are in. (Having a lunatic mime as recurring character would be a great addition each episode I think!)

Hope this helps

Dan

Thanks for reading Swerytd. The 3 main characters are Steven, Jason and Harriette and in this episode Steven and Harriette have the main plotlines while Jason kind of just plays the part of 'stringing things together', in other episodes Jason will have a main plot. But this is just a first draft and needs some more scenes of Harriette searching for 'the beret theif'..

Onto you second point, I'm not sure I agree really, the reason I chose the 'busking' idea was not to just laugh at crazy people in stupid costumes...it was to see how those type of people act outside of that life in everyday situations, I mean yeah the busking aspect will also derive humour but I never wanted it to be the main thing. So when the characters are just chatting about general observations its there for a reason and the curry comments needed to be there to set up the rest of the script, once you've read the full thing it kind of falls into place. And also you say 'its not really what people want from their sitcom'...well first of all its not 'their' sitcom lol and secondly you never really know what every person wants, I'm just trying to write something that is far away from "awkward, uncomfortable..oops I just said something derogatory in front of an ethnic minority in 'that voice'"..style of humour.

But yeah thanks for reading, glad you liked most of it, I'll defo look into the (laughs) thing.