Hi. This is an episode of a series I'd written a little while ago. I'd really appreciate any comments - especially opinions on whether people think it could be adapted to work on radio. I'm afraid it's a flat-share sitcom about squabbling brothers - yes i know that's not a good start but please give it a chance. Thanks in advance for reading.
Bo.
Episode: Parties
SCENE 1.
INT. LEWIS’ FLAT – DAY 1
IT IS MORNING AND LEWIS IS PREPARING FOR WORK. HE IS SIPPING A GLASS OF ORANGE JUICE AND GOING THROUGH HIS MAIL. CLARK IS FAST ASLEEP ON THE SOFA. HIS LIMBS HANG AWKWARDLY OVER ITS EDGES.
LEWIS FINDS A LETTER FOR CLARK. HE THINKS FOR A SECOND BEFORE CAREFULLY POURING A SMALL DROP OF JUICE ONTO CLARK’S FACE.
CLARK WAKES WITH A START.
CLARK
<Shouts> It’s the Arabs… THE ARABS!
AFTER A SECOND CLARK REALISES WHERE HE IS AND COMPOSES HIMSELF.
LEWIS
<Pause> Letter for you, Lawrence.
CLARK
Eh? <Yawns> Oh, brilliant! I know what this is.
LEWIS
I suppose conscription papers would be too much to hope for.
CLARK OPENS THE LETTER
CLARK
Yes! Check it out – two tickets to see rock gods Motorhead in concert. Tonight!
LEWIS
Where did you get the money for those?
CLARK
I didn’t buy them, I won them. There was a phone-in thing on the radio.
LEWIS
Unbelievable. Once again Lady Luck doesn’t just smile on you – she undoes her blouse and invites you to cop a feel into the bargain.
CLARK
No, this wasn’t luck, bro. This was pure persistence. I was on that phone for hours. I tell you, my finger had calluses from pressing redial… but, you know… you put in the hard work….
CLARK KISSES THE TICKETS
LEWIS
Hard work? That’s a… <Pause> Hang on a sec, what do you mean, redial?
CLARK
It was some question about Motorhead and there were three possible answers. I wasn’t a hundred percent on the right one so I exploited a little loophole in their system and entered A, B AND C… they didn’t count on that. I mean, how are you supposed to know what playing card…
LEWIS
<Interrupting> Ace of spades - you realise those competitions aren’t cheap? Just how many times did you enter?
CLARK
Dunno, I kind of lost count. Fifty maybe?
LEWIS
Fifty!
CLARK
For each answer…
LEWIS
Clark, I could probably hire Motorhead for the price of those calls!
CLARK
Don’t worry bro’, It’s all going on the mental slate.
LEWIS
<Sighs> Ah well, I suppose anything’s better than another night of T.V makeover shows and camp dance-a-thons.
CLARK
You got that right. There’s nothing like the thrill of live rock… the energy… the passion… the shower of lager from the back of the crowd!
LEWIS
Hmm. So will I just meet you outside the concert hall?
CLARK
Uh?
LEWIS
Well, it’ll save me coming all the way back from work and then heading back out again so… I’ll just go straight from work and meet you there, yeah?
CLARK
Ooh…
LEWIS
Problem?
CLARK
Hmm…
LEWIS
<Pause> That tickets not for me is it?
CLARK
Erm… No.
LEWIS
That’s splendid. Thanks for that.
CLARK
I said Meikle could go. He loves Lemmy and the boys! It would break his little heart if he didn’t see them.
LEWIS
Yeah, those ex-paras can be awfully sensitive.
CLARK
Anyway, you don’t like rock music.
LEWIS
Hey, I like to rock out now and again! You think this ipod is full of pop and show tunes?
CLARK
It isn’t?
LEWIS
No, it isn’t. I have some pretty heavy stuff on here. Heavy, dark, rock that gets cranked right up when I’m feeling… angry… yeah, a bit like I’m feeling right now, actually.
CLARK
Listen, why don’t you have my ticket?
LEWIS
No, no, no. You and your pal enjoy your little gig. Now if you’ll excuse me someone has to go and earn the money to pay for your phone calls… but first I have an appointment with Dr. Rock!
LEWIS PUTS ON HIS IPOD HEADPHONES AND STORMS OUT THE FLAT, SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.
SCENE 2.
EXT. OUTSIDE LEWIS’ FLAT – DAY 1
LEWIS PRESSES “PLAY” ON HIS IPOD.
WE HEAR THE TUNE “REACH FOR THE STARS” BY S-CLUB 7. HE STARTS NODDING AGGRESSIVELY TO THE BEAT BEFORE HEADING DOWNSTAIRS.
SCENE 3.
EXT. OUTSIDE SCHOOLYARD – DAY 1
“REACH FOR THE STARS” BY S-CLUB 7 CONTINUES TO PLAY.
LEWIS PASSES A SCHOOLYARD, WHICH IS SURROUNDED BY A HIGH WIRE FENCE. KIDS ARE PLAYING IN THE SCHOOLYARD. A BALL ROLLS OUT IN FRONT OF LEWIS. A SMALL SCHOOLBOY STANDS IN THE SCHOOLYARD BEHIND THE FENCE.
SCHOOLBOY
Hey mister - Can you get our ball please?
LEWIS PICKS UP THE BALL. HE ATTEMPTS A DROP KICK BUT MISSES COMPLETELY. AT THIS POINT THE MUSIC TRACK ABRUPTLY COMES TO AN END.
LEWIS
Hang on, hang on. I can do this!
LEWIS PICKS THE BALL UP AGAIN HE ATTEMPTS ANOTHER DROP KICK. THIS TIME HE HITS THE BALL BUT FALLS OVER IN THE PROCESS. THE BALL HITS HALF WAY UP THE FENCE AND ROLLS BACK TO HIM. A CROWD OF CHILDREN ARE GATHERING NOW AND ARE GIGGLING AT HIS EFFORTS.
LEWIS
It's these shoes... it's the shoes... hang on.
LEWIS GRABS THE BALL AGAIN. HE LOOKS GRIMLY DETERMINED.
LEWIS
<To himself> Come on!
LEWIS ATTEMPTS ANOTHER DROP KICK. THIS TIME HIS SHOE COMES OFF AND SAILS OVER THE FENCE INTO THE SCHOOLYARD. THE CHILDREN LAUGH AGAIN.
THE BALL ROLLS TO THE FEET OF A PREGNANT WOMAN. SHE PICKS UP THE BALL AND DELIVERS A PERFECT DROP KICK OVER THE FENCE. LEWIS LOOKS CREST-FALLEN AS SHE WALKS OFF.
LEWIS
<Shouting> Hey! My shoe!
LEWIS WATCHES AS THE KIDS RUN OFF WITH HIS SHOE. HE LOOKS DOWN AT HIS STOCKINGED FOOT.
IT STARTS RAINING.
SCENE 4.
INT. LEWIS’ OFFICE – DAY 1
LEWIS WALKS TO HIS DESK. HE TAKES OFF HIS SODDEN SOCK AND RINGS IT OUT INTO A WASTE PAPER BIN. KERRY APPROACHES
KERRY
Morning Lewis. Ooh, Mickey Mouse socks – very seductive.
LEWIS
Erm… they were a gift – I must have been… half asleep or something when I put them on.
KERRY
Did you forget to put your shoe on as well?
LEWIS
No, that’s on a school roof. Please don’t ask.
LEWIS LETS OUT A LONG SIGH
KERRY
Everything alright?
LEWIS
No, not really, Kerry. Everything is not alright. Everything is, in fact, rubbish. All of it… really, really rubbish. <Pause> You know what I need? I think I need to let off some steam. What do you say you and I go out Saturday night and just get ripped? So liquored up that we do things we’d regret and then beyond that to the point where we don’t even regret them. What do you say?
KERRY
That does sound like a classy evening… but I can't Saturday night. I've kind of got a family thing to go to.
LEWIS
Oh, I see. That’s okay… no problem
KERRY
I would ask you along…
LEWIS
Yeah?
KERRY
…but you know… it's my Aunt Elizabeth's sixtieth so it’ll be an older crowd… not exactly a swinging affair. And I wouldn't force my relations on anyone.
LEWIS
Hey, I get along great with older people. Sure, some of them can be a bit cantankerous, ill-tempered and moan a lot but… I can usually find something in common with them.
KERRY
Well… if you want to...
LEWIS
I'd love to.
KERRY
Ok, then.
LEWIS
Great. And I know what families are like, all the awkward questions and stuff so... if It makes things easier for you…if you want to pretend that I'm, like... you know... your boyfriend just to keep the folks off your back then… I'm here to be used.
KERRY
<Laughs> I... I don't think so. <Laughs again> Thanks for the offer though.
KERRY CHUCKLES AS SHE STARTS TO WALK AWAY. LEWIS LOOKS A
LITTLE PUT OUT.
KERRY
Oh, one thing. If you're going to bring any booze, don't get any red wine.
LEWIS
No red wine? Why not?
KERRY
My Aunt Elizabeth has just had new white carpets fitted and she doesn't want any spillages.
LEWIS
Hmm.
KERRY
Is that problem?
LEWIS
Bit restrictive don't you think? Telling people what they can and can't bring to what is supposed to be a party after all.
KERRY
It's just red wine, Lewis. Do you even drink red wine?
LEWIS
No.
KERRY
Well then.
KERRY EXITS. LEWIS HAS THE SOCK ON HIS HAND LIKE A GLOVE PUPPET.
LEWIS
<To sock> What do you think Mickey?
LEWIS HOLDS THE SOCK TO HIS EAR FOR A SECOND AS IF THE PUPPET IS TALKING BEFORE HOLDING IT AWAY AGAIN.
LEWIS
<To sock> What would you know? Idiot.
SCENE 5.
INT. LEWIS’ FLAT – NIGHT 1
LEWIS IS SLOUCHED ON THE SOFA STARING BLANKLY AT THE TELEVISION.
TV PRESENTER (O.O.V.)
Next week on Pimp My Dog’s Crib we’ll be giving one lucky Rhodesian ridgeback’s kennel a stylish make-over that really will make him leader of the pack. Join us then…
LEWIS
I’d love to, unfortunately I’ve checked my diary and that's my night for crushing my testicles in a vice.
TV PRESENTER (O.O.V.)
Next… can a crack squad of ex-paratroopers succeed in one of their most challenging missions yet…
LEWIS LOOKS INTERESTED AND SITS UP
TV PRESENTER (O.O.V.)
… as they learn to tango in “Strictly Dance Boot Camp” with Graeme Norton.
LEWIS GROANS. CLARK ENTERS HE HAS A BANDAGE ROUND HIS HEAD
LEWIS
Alright? How was the gig?
CLARK
Fantastic.
LEWIS
What happened to your head? Were you in a fight?
CLARK
Oh, this? No, it was an accident. I was right down the front of the stage, right in the mosh pit...
LEWIS
The what?
CLARK
The mosh pit...
LEWIS SHRUGS
CLARK
...and the lead guitarist does this amazing solo - it goes on for, like, half an hour - and at the very end he takes his guitar and just starts smashing it off the ground like some kind of madman and there's strings and bits of splintered wood flying everywhere...
LEWIS
How novel. You know just once I'd like to see one of these so called "rock stars" bring on a broken guitar and just sit quietly mending it. Now that would be finale with wow factor and craftsmanship.
CLARK
<Not listening> Yeah, and one of the bits of guitar came flying my way, so I did this diving leap across some bodies to try and grab it but I must have misjudged and bang! It hit me on the head. God, it was brilliant.
LEWIS
Did you go to hospital?
CLARK
Nah. But when I came to...
LEWIS
You were unconscious?
CLARK
Oh yeah - out like a light - my limp body was surfing the crowd for ten minutes before anyone realised.
CLARK LIFTS HIS ARMS TO SIMULATE THE CROWD SURFNG
CLARK
I guess everyone just thought I was... kind of relaxed. They were a great crowd
LEWIS
Where's your watch?
CLARK PUTS DOWN HIS ARMS
CLARK
Anyway, they pass me to the side and this girl, this… angel gives me some first aid. And she has this aura – I mean she is glowing, literally glowing. Mind you she also asked me how many fingers she was holding up and all I could see was the face of David Hasslehoff, so… it might have been concussion.
LEWIS
Or she's a brilliant finger puppeteer.
CLARK
<Pause> No, no I think it was probably concussion. So we get talking and we just hit it off. We're going out Saturday night. Hey, you can come if you want – to make up for not getting to the gig and stuff.
LEWIS LOOKS SLIGHTLY DISTURBED BY THE THOUGHT
LEWIS
Er... no I don't think that would be appropriate. Anyway, I too am going out Saturday night - to a party no less – well, not really a party, more a sophistcated social gathering of people from a more discerning generation where I dare say we'll be discussing matters of some great import.
CLARK
A party? Hey, we're going to a party on Saturday night too.... wouldn't it be funny if it was the same party?
LEWIS
No, Clark. That wouldn't be funny. That would be a very serious matter indeed. Mine is a birthday party - what's yours?
CLARK GETS A CRUMPLED PIECE OF PAPER OUT OF HIS POCKET.
CLARK
Eh... yeah a birthday party.
LEWIS
In the West End?
CLARK
West End – check.
LEWIS
Oh God!
CLARK
Saturday night, West End… a goth party!
LEWIS
A goth party?
CLARK
That's what it says here.
LEWIS
What is a goth party?
CLARK
I guess it’s fancy dress... pale faces... leather trench coats - all that stuff. How about yours?
LEWIS
No, no goths, no punks, no mods, and the only rockers likely to be at my party will be propping up the arthritic bones of old ladies.
CLARK
Damn, that's a pity. Just a shame you couldn't come along with us. I expect there'll be ghost stories, ouja boards, maybe the odd virgin sacrifice... oh, actually it's maybe best you can't make it.
LEWIS
I beg your pardon.
CLARK
Well you used to get nightmares about all that scary stuff.
LEWIS
Oh… right
CLARK
I remember after watching Hammer House of Horror you wouldn't wash for a week. Every time you turned on a tap you thought the house would start bleeding.
LEWIS
Yes I remember. I was ten years old and genuinely petrified. Of course, you putting ketchup in my bath water didn't help matters.
CLARK
<Chuckles> Yeah... good times. <Pause> Right I’m off to bed, Mum.
CLARK STANDS UP AND WALKS TOWARDS THE KITCHEN AREA
LEWIS
Mum?
CLARK
Oh, did you wash my shorts? It’s P.E. tomorrow and I don’t want to have to do it in my Brian Cants again. All the other boys laugh.
CLARK DISAPPEARS INTO THE KITCHEN AREA AS LEWIS WATCHES, CONFUSED. AFTER A FEW SECONDS CLARK WALKS BACK INTO THE LIVING AREA LOOKING SLIGHTY BEFUDDLED.
CLARK
Um… I guess I’m still a bit… <Indicates to his head>
LEWIS
Yes, I guess so.
SCENE 6.
INT. LEWIS’ FLAT – NIGHT 2
LEWIS IS LOOKING THROUGH CUPBOARDS IN THE KITCHEN AREA.
LEWIS
<Shouts> Clark! We used to have a bottle of crème de menthe in here. I want to take it to the party. Do you know where it is?
CLARK (O.O.V.)
<Shouts> Crème de menthe?
LEWIS
<Shouts> Yeah. Green stuff… minty?
CLARK ENTERS FROM THE BEDROOM. HE IS DRESSED IN HIS GOTH GEAR - HIS FACE IS WHITE WITH BLACK EYELINER AND BLACK LIPSTICK. HE WEARS A WHITE PUFFY SHIRT SPLIT OPEN TO THE NAVAL, BLACK LEATHER TROUSERS AND A FULL LENGTH BLACK COAT. HE IS TRYING TO PUT ON A LARGE BLACK SPIKEY WIG. HE SPORTS AN EYEPATCH.
CLARK
That was Crème de menthe? I thought it was mouthwash.
LEWIS NOTICES CLARK’S GARB
LEWIS
Well, well… Snake Pliskin. I thought you were dead!
CLARK
What do you think?
LEWIS
I think if they ever reform the village people and they’re looking for a gay leather pirate… they can call off the search!
CLAKR
Yeah, the eye patch might be a bit much. It detracts from the whole goth look.
LEWIS
Sometimes less is more.
CLARK HEADS BACK INTO THE BEDROOM
LEWIS
<Shouts> So do I get to meet your lady friend? What’s her name - Elvira?
CLARK (O.O.V.)
<Shouts> Her name is Jill. And I’m meeting her at a bar in town. But who knows… if things go well…
LEWIS
<To himself> You’ll be sharing a casket for two. Lucky girl.
THE DOORBELL RINGS. LEWIS ANSWERS THE DOOR. KERRY ENTERS.
KERRY
Ok, the taxi is waiting. Are we set?
LEWIS
Let me check. Wallet? Keys? Sparkling personality and intriguing coversation? Yes I think they're all there in abundance.
LEWIS GRABS A POLYTHENE BAG.
KERRY
What's in the bag?
LEWIS
<Evasive> Oh, you know, just some booze... the usual.
KERRY
Lewis? Let me have a look.
LEWIS RELUCTANTLY GIVES HER THE BAG. KERRY LOOKS IN AND IS SHOCKED.
KERRY.
Tomato juice! Blackcurrant cordial! And a cocktail shaker! Lewis, what is all this stuff? I told you about my aunt’s new carpets - if she doesn't want people bringing red wine she's hardly going to let you in with this stuff.
LEWIS
Relax, it's a joke. I'm not going to open this stuff - it's just my way of breaking the ice.
KERRY
My aunt isn’t really a jokey kind of person, Lewis. It might be better if you didn’t.
LEWIS
It will be hilarious. We’ll be laughing about it all evening, trust me.
KERRY
Well, it's your funeral. I'm not sure my aunt will see the funny side.
LEWIS
<Chuckles again> Look - I've bashed the cocktail shaker a bit so the lid doesn't fit properly. Oh, I can't wait to see her face - imagine what all this stuff would do to a new white carpet. The very thought of it...
LEWIS CHUCKLES AGAIN. KERRY ISN'T VERY AMUSED. LEWIS STOPS CHUCKLING.
KERRY
Right let’s go.
THEY EXIT THE FLAT. AFTER A FEW SECONDS CLARK ENTERS THE ROOM.
CLARK
Hey, I was thinking that since we’re all going in the same direction we could share a… oh.
SCENE 7.
INT. AUNT ELIZABETH’S HALLWAY – NIGHT 2
AUNT ELIZABETH’S DOORBELL RINGS. AUNT ELIZABETH, A STERN LOOKING WOMAN IN HER MID-FIFTIES, ANSWERS THE DOOR TO LEWIS AND KERRY.
KERRY
Happy Birthday Auntie
AUNT ELIZABETH
Kerry, sweetheart, how lovely to see you.
KERRY
Auntie this is Lewis, he’s a friend of mine.
LEWIS
Hello Auntie… I mean, em, Elizabeth. Yes, we’re just friends, nothing more than that, so….
AUNTI ELIZABETH
No… I didn’t think for one second that you were.
LEWIS LOOKS A LITTLE PUT OUT AGAIN.
AUNT ELIZABETH
Come in. Oh, and shoes off please - new carpets and all that. <Shouts> Raymond.
LEWIS LOOKS AT KERRY. THEY BEND DOWN TO TAKE THEIR SHOES OFF.
LEWIS
<Mutters> No shoes? A bit restrictive.
KERRY
Shh.
KERRY NOTICES LEWIS’ SOCKS.
KERRY
Is that… Goofy?
LEWIS
It was a three pair gift set, ok? And if you must know I’ll be giving Donald Duck an airing on Monday.
LEWIS AND KERRY STRAIGHTEN UP AND REMOVE THEIR JACKETS AS UNCLE RAYMOND APPEARS.
UNCLE RAYMOND
At last some young blood for the party. It’s starting to feel a bit like a retirement home in there. How are you Kerry, love?
UNCLE RAYMOND HUGS KERRY
AUNT ELIZABETH
I'll just put your jackets in the spare room. Can I take your bag… Lewis?
LEWIS NUDGES KERRY.
LEWIS
<Trying to keep a straight face> Oh, this is just some soft drinks I brought along. I usually drink red wine but I understand red wine is off the menu.
AUNT ELIZABETH LOOKS IN THE BAG
AUNT ELIZABETH
Tomato juice… Blackurrant cordial
LEWIS
The only things I really like you see.
AUNT ELIZABETH
Good God! A cocktail shaker!
LEWIS WINKS AT KERRY
LEWIS
Yes, I like to mix it up now and again. It’s a bit bashed I’m afraid… a bit leaky.
AUNT ELIZABETH HANDS LEWIS BACK HIS BAG AND POINTS TOWARDS THE DOOR
AUNT ELIZABETH
You’ll have to leave.
LEWIS LAUGHS BEFORE QUICKLY REALISING AUNT ELIZABETH IS DEADLY SERIOUS. HE STOPS LAUGHING
LEWIS
What?
AUNT ELIZABETH USHERS LEWIS TOWARDS THE DOOR.
AUNT ELIZABETH
I’m sorry, Kerry but your friend will have to go in the garage. I’m not risking it – not with these carpets.
LEWIS
The garage? But it was just…
AUNT ELIZABETH
<To Lewis> Outside please. There’s a fan heater out there when you get cold.
AUNT ELIZABETH HAS THE FRONT DOOR OPEN AND LEWIS IS HALF WAY OUT.
LEWIS
Kerry, tell her.
KERRY
Auntie, it’s ok. It was a joke. Just Lewis’ idea of a prank.
AUNT ELIZABETH STOPS PUSHING LEWIS.
AUNT ELIZABETH
A prank?
KERRY
He thought it might break the ice.
AUNT ELIZIABETH
Is this true?
LEWIS
Yes.
AUNT ELIZABETH GLARES AT LEWIS BEFORE SHE SLOWLY CLOSES THE FRONT DOOR.
AUNT ELIZABETH
What an odd man. I’ll put these jackets in the back room.
AUNT ELIZABETH EXITS TO THE BACK ROOM.
LEWIS
<Whispers> Didn’t go down quite as well as I’d hoped, that one.
KERRY
Don’t worry, I’ll square it with her. Uncle Raymond, why don't you tell Lewis about your brush with fame?
KERRY FOLLOWS AUNT ELIZABETH TO THE BACK ROOM.
UNCLE RAYMOND
Oh, I’m sure Lewis doesn’t want to hear about that.
LEWIS
Well, maybe later. Why don’t we have a drink first and…
UNCLE RAYMOND
<Interrupting> So the firm I used to work for did the accounts for the one and only... Mr. Chris De Burgh.
UNCLE RAYMOND GRINS AT LEWIS AWAITING A REACTION.
LEWIS
<Pause> Well that was a great story, now how about a…
UNCLE RAYOMOND
<Interrupting again> And one day…
LEWIS SMILES WEAKLY.
SCENE 8.
EXT. OUTSIDE A TRENDY BAR – NIGHT 2
CLARK APPROACHES THE ENTRANCE TO A TRENDY BAR.
THE DOORMAN PUTS OUT AN ARM AND BLOCKS CLARK FROM ENTERING THE BAR
DOORMAN
I don’t think so, friend.
CLARK
What? You’re not letting me in? Why not?
DOORMAN
Take a guess?
CLARK THINKS FOR A SECOND
CLARK
Oh… ok... this happens all the time… it’s the boyish good looks isn’t it? Look, I know this may be hard to believe but I am of legal age. In fact between you and me… <whispers> I’m, actually in my thirties, so....
DOORMAN
Really?
CLARK
Hey, you weren’t to know. We’ll say no more about it.
CLARK ATTEMPTS TO ENTER THE BAR BUT THE DOORMAN’S ARM BLOCKS HIS WAY ONCE MORE
DOORMAN
Friend, I really don’t think this is your kind of place?
CLARK
What kind of place is it?
DOORMAN
Light…airy… full of normal people dressed normally doing normal things. Oh, and there’s no human blood on draught which I’m sure you’d find a bit of a bummer.
CLARK
Ah, it’s the goth thing isn’t it?
THE DOORMAN SMILES.
CLARK
Only I’m supposed to be meeting someone in there. It’s kind of a date.
DOORMAN
Oh right.
CLARK
And I wouldn’t want to stand her up.
DOORMAN
<Chuckles> Of course not.
CLARK
<Chuckles> Great, so if I could just pop in and out?
DOORMAN
Nah.
CLARK CONSIDERS ARGUING WITH THE DOORMAN BEFORE CONCEDING DEFEAT AND WANDERING DOWN THE STREET
SCENE 9.
INT. AUNT ELIZABETH’S HALLWAY – NIGHT 2
UNCLE RAYMOND AND LEWIS ARE STILL IN THE HALLWAY. LEWIS LOOKS BORED AND IS NODDING ALONG TO UNCLE RAYMOND’S STORY
UNCLE RAYMOND
…so on this particular day he’s in the office and there's buzz going round, you know, and people are saying De Burgh's in the building, De Burgh's in the building. It's complete pandemonium. And I think to myself, Ray, old son, it's now or never…
LEWIS LOOKS AT HIS WATCH
UNCLE RAYMOND
So as he's leaving the building I take my chance and over I go. "Mr De Burgh", I say to him "I think you're album ‘Into the Light’ is probably the finest collection of songs committed to vinyl in the latter half of this decade" and he looks at me, he smiles and do you know what he says?
LEWS
Please don’t hurt me?
UNCLE RAYMOND
He says "Cheers mate"... just like that. Superstar Chris De Burgh called me “mate”. And that's the measure of the man.
LEWIS
<Pause> That's… that’s unbelievable!
UNCLE RAYMOND'S MOOD DARKENS INSTANTLY.
UNCLE RAYMOND
Are you calling me a liar?
LEWIS
<Pause> No, it was just a...
UNCLE RAYMOND
You think I would lie aboout something like that?
LEWIS
No.
UNCLE RAYMOND
Why would I?
LEWIS
You wouldn't.
UNCLE RAYMOND
That's right, I wouldn't... and I didn't. Got it?
LEWIS NODS
UNCLE RAYMOND
What?
LEWIS
Yes, I said yes.
KERRY RETURNS. UNCLE RAYMOND IS ALL SMILES ONCE MORE.
KERRY
Hey, Lewis did he tell you his story?
LEWIS
Yes, I heard.
KERRY
Isn't it unbelievable?
LEWIS
Yes… I mean no. No - it's believable. Very credible.
UNCLE RAYMOND
Right. Drinks.
UNCLE RAYMOND KISSES KERRY ON THE CHEEK AND EXITS TO THE LOUNGE.
KERRY
Poor Uncle Ray. He's had a bit of a hard time since his firm let him go.
LEWIS
Really?
KERRY
Yes, there were complaints from clients that he was a little intense and, well… aggressive. Seems hard to imagine.
LEWIS
It’s a stretch.
SCENE 10.
INT. AUNT ELIZABETH’S LOUNGE – NIGHT 2
AUNT ELIZABETH’S LOUNGE IS WELL APPOINTED WITH A SEVENTIES STYLE BAR AREA IN ONE CORNER. THE LOUNGE IS POPULATED WITH GROUPS OF MEN AND WOMEN IN THEIR FIFTIES AND SIXTIES. THE MAJORITY ARE SEATED BUT THERE ARE A FEW GROUPS TALKING IN CORNERS. EASY LISTENING MUSIC PLAYS QUIETLY IN THE BACKGROUND.
KERRY IS IN CONVERSATION WITH AN OLDER MAN, JEFF, AS LEWIS SIDLES UP TO THEM.
JEFF
... and the gravity is such that a man can lift a car above his head.
KERRY
Wow. Oh Jeff, this is my friend Lewis.
JEFF
Nice to meet you, Lewis. Do you two work together?
KERRY
Yes…
LEWIS
Well… not really. I’m in a different department. I'm in advertising.
KERRY GIVES LEWIS A SLIGHTLY ANNOYED LOOK.
JEFF
Oh, you’re what they call… a creative?
KERRY
<Giggles> Hardly.
LEWIS GLARES AT KERRY
LEWIS
I sell advertising... space. For the local newspaper. Which can be creative… sometimes.
KERRY
Lewis is the top salesman - never misses his targets.
KERRY GIGGLES AGAIN. LEWIS GLARES AT HER AGAIN
JEFF
Well that’s fascinating. Mind you… <winks at Kerry> It's hardly rocket science is it? <Laughs> Excuse me.
KERRY CHUCKLES AS JEFF WALKS OFF. LEWIS IS NOT HAPPY.
KERRY
Nice guy.
LEWIS
What was that about? Did he just zing me? Have i just been zinged?
KERRY
It was a joke - I think it was meant as a joke.
LEWIS
Not rocket science? What is he - an astronaut?
KERRY
Actually, he's a rocket scientist.
LEWIS
<Pause> Is he? Well...
KERRY
He launches his own rockets. Some of them go really high.
LEWIS
Wait, I know these guys. Rockets... they're nothing more than fireworks without the fancy explosions! And where's the science in that? Does he wear a lab coat while he's lighting the blue touch paper? Does he light his sparklers with a bunsen burner?
KERRY
He's actually getting a lot of interest from some pretty big organisations.
IN THE BACKGROUND ‘LADY IN RED’ BY CHRIS DE BURGH BEGINS TO PLAY
LEWIS
I'm sure he is - for their corporate parties - nothing wow's the guests like a big fireworks display.
KERRY
Lewis, can you please relax? It's supposed to be a party. You're supposed to be enjoying yourself.
LEWIS
I’m perfectly relaxed.
UNCLE RAYMOND APPROACHES. HE IS ALL SMILES
UNCLE RAYMOND
Kerry, they’re playing our tune.
KERRY
<Laughs> Oh ok.
UNCLE RAYMOND TAKES KERRY BY THE HAND AND LEADS HER AWAY FROM LEWIS TO THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM.
AS HE DANCES SLOWLY WITH KERRY UNCLE RAYMOND LOOKS OVER HER SHOULDER AT LEWIS. HIS SMILE IMMEDIATELY TURNS TO A SCOWL.
LEWIS SHIFTS UNEASILY
SCENE 11.
EXT. OUTSIDE TRENDY BAR – NIGHT 2
CLARK’S DATE, JILL, EXITS THE BAR AND PASSES THE DOORMAN. SHE IS CONSERVATIVELY DRESSED – NOT IN A GOTH OUTFIT. SHE WALKS A FEW YARDS DOWN THE STREET BEFORE STOPPING TO CHECK HER WATCH. WE SEE IT IS ALMOST NINE O’CLOCK. SHE GLANCES UP AND DOWN THE STREET AS IF LOOKING FOR HER DATE.
IN THE DISTANCE THE CHIMES OF A CLOCK CAN BE HEARD.
FROM A DARKENED DOORWAY BEHIND HER A PALE WHITE HAND APPEARS AND TAPS HER ON THE SHOULDER. AS SHE TURNS CLARK’S GHOULISH VISAGE LOOMS FROM THE DARKNESS.
JILL SCREAMS.
CLARK IS FLUSTERED. HE THINKS ABOUT COVERING JILL’S MOUTH WITH HIS HAND BUT THINKS BETTER OF IT.
CLARK
Shh! It’s me! it’s me! It’s Clark!
THE DOORMAN IS QUICKLY ON THE SCENE
DOORMAN
What the…? Oh, not this freak again!
THE DOORMAN GRABS CLARK BY THE LAPELS AND IS ABOUT TO SWING A PUNCH WHEN JILL REGAINS SOME COMPOSURE
JILL
It’s ok. I know him. It’s ok.
THE DOORMAN SLOWLY RELEASES CLARK, SHAKES HIS HEAD AND RETURNS TO HIS DOOR.
JILL
Jesus, Clark. You scared the life out of me!
CLARK
Yeah, erm… I thought I’d surprise you.
JILL
It worked.
CLARK AND HIS DATE LOOK EACH OTHER UP AND DOWN.
CLARK AND JILL
<Simultaneously> Why are you dressed like that?
SCENE 12.
INT. AUNT ELIZABETH’S LOUNGE – NIGHT 2
LEWIS IS STANDING ALONE IN THE CORNER. HE LOOKS MISERABLE. KERRY APPROACHES.
KERRY
Having fun?
LEWIS
Yeah. Great.
KERRY
And the truth?
LEWIS
I'm fine. Although I think there’s something faintly… satanic about this gathering. No offence.
KERRY
That is slightly offensive.
LEWIS
They’re all high flying lawyers or powerful businessmen or civil servants… that guy over there is an ex-chief of police. He gave me a very odd handshake – like he was passing some kind of secret signal.
KERRY
Lewis, that’s my Uncle Richard. He has a prosthetic finger.
LEWIS
Oh.
THE DOORBELL RINGS.
KERRY
These are all good people. If you made a bit more of an effort you might see that.
LEWIS
Okay. I will. I just wish there was someone... a bit more... normal to talk to.
CLARK ENTERS. LEAPING THROUGH THE DOORWAY IN FULL GOTH GET UP.
CLARK
<Shouts> Hey hey!
THE ROOM FALLS SILENT.
KERRY
Lewis, is that your brother?
LEWIS
<Looks skyward> I said normal.
FROM BEHIND CLARK, JILL PUTS HER HEAD AROUND THE DOOR AND SHOUTS ACROSS TO AUNT ELIZABETH.
JILL
I'm afraid someone got the wrong end of the stick Auntie.
LEWIS
Who's that?
KERRY
My cousin Jill. She's a first aid officer - works at the concert hall.
REALISATUON DAWNS ON LEWIS.
LEWIS
Of course she does.
LEWIS PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS AS THE PARTY STARTS TO LIVEN UP AGAIN. CLARK APPROACHES.
CLARK
Hey!
LEWIS
Well if it isn't Marilyn Manson herself. I should have known. I should have known that if there was the slightest chance, the smallest sliver of a possibility that you could possibly, in some way, do something to show me up...
CLARK
I guess I made a bit of boo-boo with the fancy dress thing.
LEWIS
Yes, I guess so. Clark, where the hell did you get the notion that you were going to a goth fancy dress party
CLARK
Well that's quite funny - you see here on this piece of paper where Jill wrote goth party. I thought that was a G when really it's a 6 so it's not goth it's...
LEWIS
Sixtieth. Yeah that would be right.
CLARK
Still, doesn't look like anyone really minds. Now I'm here we can party hearty! <Shouts> Ok, who's in charge of the tunes!
CLARK WANDERS OFF TO MINGLE. KERRY LAUGHS
KERRY
I suppose anyone could have made a mistake like that.
IN THE BACKGROUND THE SONG “EROTIC” BY MADONNA IS ABRUPTLY PUT ON THE TURNTABLE.
LEWIS
No. No, not anyone - only my brother. He's been getting things wrong all his life and you know the worst thing? It doesn't bother him, he can make a complete idiot of himself and he just doesn't care.
KERRY
Oh come on, he's not that bad.
LEWIS
Oh no?
LEWIS INDICATES TO CLARK WHO HAS HIS ARMS AROUND A COUPLE OF OLDER WOMEN DANCING IN THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM. THE CHORUS OF THE SONG KICKS IN.
CLARK
<Singing> Bill Oddie! Bill Oddie! Put your hands all over my body!
KERRY LAUGHS
LEWIS
You see! It's just wrong! In his mind he doesn't see it as any way unreasonable that Madonna would be singing a song about an ex-goodie ornothologist putting his hairy hands all over her! You see how messed up he is?
KERRY
Lewis, ignore him. Just try and enjoy yourself.
LEWIS SCOWLS AND TAKES A LARGE GULP OF HIS DRINK.
SCENE 13.
INT. AUNT ELIZABETH’S LOUNGE – NIGHT 2
JEFF AND ANOTHER MAN ARE DEEP IN CONVERSATION IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM. LEWIS APPROACHES LOOKING SLIGHTLY TIPSY BUT DETERMINED.
LARRY
... Of course modern technology has made the whole procedure a lot simpler than it used to be.
THE TWO MEN STOP TALKING FOR A SECOND AND THEY LOOK AT LEWIS
LEWIS
Alright?
JEFF
Oh Lewis, hello again. Larry, this is Lewis - he works in advertising... kind of.
LEWIS
Yes, That's right, Larry. I sell advertising space - which, I might add, is not as simple as it sounds, no sir. As any good sales person knows it's a battle of wits out there - psychological warfare, if you will. It takes a nimble mind and the courage of a lion to sell successfully and if it wasn't for people like me doing my kind of job there would be no... adverts... for things. And then how would you know what to spend your ludicrously inflated salaries on. So...
JEFF AND LARRY ARE A LITTLE TAKEN ABACK
LARRY
Still it's hardly splitting the atom is it?
THE TWO MEN CHUCKLE GOOD-NATUREDLY.
LEWIS
Oh... oh I see, Larry... another zinger, I see. You're a physsist, I take it? Maybe you've got a little nuclear reactor in the garden shed? Practice a little bit of amateur nuclear fusion in your spare time, do you?
LARRY
Actually splitting the atom would be classed as nuclear fission...
LEWIS
Whatever - we can't all be rocket scientists - which incidentally, Jeff, I think you have a bit of a cheek passing yoursefl off as… try putting a… monkey up there or something… then maybe we'll think about calling you a scientist. We can't all be rocket… men and… and… nuclear physsists…
LARRY
I'm not a nuclear physicist.
LEWIS
Oh aren't you? Oh what a shame for you? You have to do a normal job like a normal person do you? How demeaning. The daily grind of the nine to five doing menial taks like every other person on the planet, how very embarassing for you. So what is it... postman? Street sweeper? Flipping burgers, what?
LARRY
Well actually I'm a consultant neurologist.
LEWIS
A new what?
LARRY
Neurologist.
LEWIS THINKS FOR A SECOND
LEWIS
What is that... peeing and stuff?
LARRY
No that's urology. I'm neurology. That's to do with the brain.
LEWIS
Brains...Right. Why would Satan need a pee guy?
LARRY AND JEFF LOOK CONFUSED
LEWIS
Ach! I'm going over there... somewhere.
LEWIS WANDERS OFF.
SCENE 14.
INT. AUNT ELIZABETH’S LOUNGE – NIGHT 2
LEWIS IS STANDING BY HIMSELF IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM, SWAYING EVER SO SLIGHTLY. HE IS GLARING AT CLARK WHO IS REGAILING UNCLE RAYMOND, JEFF AND LARRY WITH A STORY. JEFF AND LARRY LOOK HAPPY AND ENTHRALLED. KERRY APPROACHES LEWIS.
KERRY
How're you holding up.
LEWIS
Great. Just great.
IN THE CORNER CLARK FINISHES HIS STORY AND THERE ARE UPROARIOUS LAUGHS ALL ROUND. JEFF PATS CLARK ON THE BACK WHILE LARRY SHAKES HIS HAND
KERRY
Clark seems to be getting on well with everyone.
LEWIS
<Pause> And I'm not?
KERRY
I'm just saying...
LEWIS
That everyone likes him more than me, yes that’s entirely predictable.
CLARK APPROACHES
LEWIS
Oh watch out... Dracula has risen frm the grave
CLARK
Some party huh? Some of these older folks really know how to live it up. Betty <to Kerry> your aunt - she says that she might get the cards out later for a game of Rummy and I hear the stakes can get pretty tasty
LEWIS
Someone get me a cloth, because my cup - it runneth over!
CLARK
You need a cloth there, bro?
LEWIS SIGHS LOUDLY
CLARK
Yeah, kind of makes you look forward to getting older, you know... retiring, kicking back and just taking it easy.
LEWIS
Retiring? From what?
KERRY
Clark why don't you get us all a drink?
CLARK
I'm on it.
CLARK HEADS FOR THE BAR AREA
KERRY
Maybe we should think about heading off. I think I've done my duty here.
LEWIS
No, no, no... no, I'm having a great time. We can stay as long as you like.
CUT TO -
CLARK IS OVER AT THE BAR AREA HE SEES LEWIS' PLASTIC BAG AND OPENS IT UP.
CLARK
<To himself> Tomato juice... blackcurrant cordial...
CLARK PICKS OUT THE COCKTAIL SHAKER SHRUGS AND RUBS HIS HANDS
CLARK
I think it's time for few special Clark Combo Cocktails!
SCENE 15.
INT. TAXI – NIGHT 2
THE CAMERA PANS ACROSS THE BACK SEAT OF A TAXI.
FIRST WE SEE CLARK, COVERED IN TOMATO JUICE AND BLACKCURRANT CORDIAL. HE LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW SHEEPISHLY.
NEXT WE SEE KERRY, ALSO COVERED IN TOMATO JUICE AND BLACKCURRANT CORDIAL. SHE STARRES GRIMLY AHEAD
FINALLY WE SEE LEWIS, AGAIN COVERED IN TOMATO JUICE AND BLACKCURRANT CORDIAL. HE IS GRINNING FROM EAR TO EAR.
LEWIS
That's was good. That was a good party - most enjoyable in fact. <Pause> Just a shame about those carpets.
END CREDITS
SCENE 16.
EXT. OUTSIDE SCHOOLYARD – DAY 3
LEWIS STANDS IN SOME BUSHES OUTSIDE THE SAME SCHOOLYARD FROM THE EARLIER SCENE. HE HAS ON HIS WORK CLOTHES BUT AS HE CROUCHES DOWN TO TIE HIS SHOELACES WE CAN SEE HE IS WEARING A NEW PAIR OF TRAINING SHOES. AFTER TYING HIS SHOELACES HE STAYS CROUCHED. IN THE SCHOOLYARD ARE A NUMBER OF KIDS PLAYING FOOTBALL.
LEWIS
<To himself> Come on, come on. Kick it.
BEHIND LEWIS TWO POLICE OFFICERS APPEAR.
OFFICER
Need any assistance there, sir?
LEWIS LOOKS ROUND AND STANDS UP QUICKLY.
LEWIS
Oh, hello officers. I was just... watching the kids… playing.
THE POLICEMEN SAY NOTHING
LEWIS
I’m actually just waiting for the ball to come over the fence. I’ve got something I need to show them.
THE OFFICERS LOOK AT EACH OTHER. IT DAWNS ON LEWIS THAT HIS SITUATION MIGHT LOOK BAD.
LEWIS
Em… I’m not a weirdo or anything.
OFFICER
Oh, well, that’s alright then. Still, you can understand how our interest might be piqued by a man hiding in the bushes outside a school playground?
LEWIS
<Laughs> Yes, that might look a little… odd.
OFFICER
<Pause> My colleague and I were just about to head back to the station. Would you like to come with us?
LEWIS
Is… that a question?
OFFICER
No.
LEWIS
No, I didn’t think it was. Let’s go then.
THE OFFICERS FLANK LEWIS AS THEY WALK AWAY FROM THE SCHOOL.
LEWIS
They stole my shoe, you know…
THE END
