Hello,

I'm new here and I'd appreciate some feedback on the beginning of a 5 minute routine. It's mostly true stories which people seemed to find funny when I recounted them. On paper (internet paper) I'm not too sure...

NOTE: I am tall with long hair and a gaunt Dickensian face. I'm not boasting, you just need to know that for some of this to make sense.

My girlfriend tells me facts about the animal kingdom. And within these facts there is usually a single lego brick of truth, within an vast lego galleon of nonsense.

But I didn't say any of that, because I didn't have an owl. I just asked him the way to my house...

And it goes on like that until I get home. Feedback would be helpful.

- Al

Pretty good on internet paper. Well written. I imagining it getting even better as you perform and let it evolve.

Quote: Alakazam @ January 12 2012, 2:44 PM GMT

So, in many ways ducks are like working class men. It may be all the white bread.

View original

Great line

Thanks for the positive feedback. I also quite like that line, but I'm not sure it's worth the long set-up.

The rest of what I've written has a similar weighting, but with no experience it's hard to know what should be cut.

Im no expert but I think that this part could be extend.

"Scientists have taught a tortoise to yawn." thought that's just boring

"Cats have no terminal velocity?" Threw our cat out the bathroom window and their right. We live on the 102 floor.

Or something like that, just puts a few more little laughs in.

Good luck, im just finishing my first material. On stage for the first time on 23rd.

In my opinion, I would keep the first bit, and lose the dickensian thing. At least the way its written. I would offer advice on how to re-word it, but I think that would probably be an insult to you, so I'll leave that one with you.

I really liked your build up to the working class men gag, but for a first timer on stage, to go that long from entrance without a laugh is very courageous. Most people try and get a laugh with a killer first line in order to calm nerves of you & audience, but if you have the balls for it, do it, as the longer the crowd are in suspense, the tenser the atmosphere with which to burst with your duck gag.

good luck

I see what you mean about putting punchlines in, Leigh Stirrup. I couldn't use yours because if I suggested dropping a cat out of a window my girlfriend would be furious. She's already cross that I'm making jokes about ducks having heart-attacks (which IS a serious matter).

Regarding the Dickensian bit Paulcuz, I'd be interested to know why it doesn't work for you. It would be delivered very fast, but I admit it doesn't have any real "jokes" in it. Feel free to reword it if you like!

I didn't like the first bit much, seemed a bit waffly, but I did enjoy the Dickensian bit, although maybe you should be finding your way back to a B & B or something, which would fit the speech better.

Loved the ducks and the white bread, and was really enjoying the Dickensian bit - would have carried on reading if there was more (very Oliver Twist!)

Is there any way you could link the duck bit and the postman bit together as it's two separate stories so I think a link might make it flow more? But otherwise I really like it, I prefer comedians who tell stories rather than one liners.

Thanks for the notes, Shirl!

Alski, you mean two paragraphs of tedium followed by a cringingly middle-class punchline isn't a good ratio for you? Fair point! I'm not really sure how to get to the setup quicker though, without spending a bit of time taking it seriously...

Lexi, you caught me. Originally I wrote a five minute bit about a journey home, then I crowbarred in the duck business because I thought it was a better start. I was on my way home to see my girlfriend, so maybe I should make a connection there.

Quite enjoyed it, perhaps make your girlfriend 'Dickensian' at the start?

I have great expectations of this material.

Are you my secret benefactor?

Either way, thanks for the support guys. I tried this set at an open mic night this evening and it went down quite well. The room was quite generous, and I got away with the weakest bits and I was given a small figurine of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

So it was a fun night.