Top ten maintenance tips for your Dalek

If you share the same passionate obsession with Dr Who's most terrifying enemy, The Daleks as the majority of English people then you NEED to read this to keep on top of your 'Supreme Ruler of The Universe'
Keep your Dalek in tip top medical condition with the following easy maintenance guides. This handy cut out and keep guide provides invaluable information that covers most models made on the planet Skaro between 1962 and 2009. The latest models can be found in a supplement published in 2012 (Simply program your time machine to 2012 to retrieve it).

1. Keep him well oiled. The early model Daleks are notorious for running out of oil and this causes all manner of problems. Hypothermia, rickets and housemaids knee spring instantly to mind. However OEM oil is difficult to obtain on earth at the best of times so we recommend a mixture of maple syrup and vodka. This has the added bonus of keeping him happy and after all, a happy Dalek is a safe Dalek. The last thing anyone wants is their favourite robot 'exterminating' the neighbourhood and vomiting on the local clergyman.

2. Laugh at his jokes. Its hard work conquering star systems and distant worlds so when 'The Supreme Being' returns home after a hard days exterminating he loves nothing better than telling at least three hours of 'in' jokes from his home planet. It is imperative that you laugh out very loud at every quip, you are at risk of being severely beaten or exterminated if you laugh at the wrong moment. Example: Two Daleks are at the local nightspot, one said to the other "you c**t"......Now that is supposed to be hilarious. Be aware of Skaro humour. The whole planet of Thragflapper Nine was virtually destroyed in 1798 because someone forgot to laugh at the correct moment.

3. Keep him fully charged. Daleks use millions of watts of electricity and simply using an average mobile phone charger plugged onto his neck just won't cut the mustard. When you first take delivery of your new machine, take time to seek out the nearest electricity sub station. When you find that his exterminating prodder does not 'zap'but merely emits a growl rather like a small dog farting then its time to push him along to the aforesaid substation. Simply clamber over the wall dodging the razor sharp spikes and plug in a domestic extension cable. Lift the flap at the rear of the Dalek and just plug and go. Be amazed at the look of relief on his face, he'll just love you forever for this.

**Image of close up Dalek here**

4. Love and sex
5. Teaching him to drive
6. The Dalek pension scheme
7. Visiting relatives from Skaro
8. Make you Dalek go faster
9. Avoiding extermination
10. The self destruct button

** I can add even more to this list if needed**

Yeah, it was alright. Maybe you could take some photos of your pet dalek and do some fake pics of you and your pet dalek on outings, e.g; at Alton Towers or a pic of you and the dalek playing chess. Fair play to you though for writing a book on having a pet dalek but maybe add some pictures to bring it to life a bit.

I watched some of your stuff on YouTube, you could get a bit of work being a lookalike for the fat hairy biker (the bigger one of the two).

All the best.

Cheeky twat! I prefer to think of myself as Billy Conolly's fat younger brother.
Thanks for your comments they are duly noted and I have tons of 'photoshopped' pics and even the full magazine cover of Obey, the Dalek goss monthly but I don't know how to put pics on here, help anyone?
Thanks Nigel