I came across this sketch i wrote and a fellow classmate and I acted out at drama class when i was 17. I think i am totaly nuts.
I found it amongst a load of other stuff that i would be way to embarrraesd to put on here.
Let me know what you think. It made me sort of giggle anyhoo. I have kept it word for word even though i would change bits of it now. Isn't it funny the things you write when your young.

Harry’s phone rings at work

Harry
Hello hit man for hire, Harry speaking, how may I be of assistance to you?

Mrs Smith
Good afternoon to you Sir, I would very much like to order a Hitman please

Harry
Certainly madam. Call me Harry please. I just need a few details, firstly who is the hit

Mrs Smith
My husband if that’s allowed Harry

Harry
Yes that’s allowed Madam, may I ask why you wish to have him killed

Mrs Smith
Is that really relevant

Harry
Well yes Madam it is, you see we are duty bound to ask why in order to insure reasonable grounds.

Mrs Smith.
Well okay then. You may be horrified though Harry. He ate my curly wurly, He took it out of the fridge bold as brass right in front of me, peeled the wrapper and gobbled it up before my very own eyes. Then when he had finished he spoke with his mouth full, of my curly wurly if you please and mumbled something terrible to me. Something I can never forgive. Ever.

Harry.
What did he say Madam

Mrs Smith starts to cry
*Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo boo. Sniff sniff. Blub blub blub*

Harry
There there Madam, we will come back to that in a minute. How would you like him bumped off?

Mrs Smith.
I want it to hurt him Harry. I mean really hurt him.

Harry.
Well we do Knifed, car crash, shot, smothered, battered and drowned.

Mrs Smith
I don’t like any of those Harry. Can you not set him on fire?

Harry
I will have to check the rules and regulations on that one Madam. We have never had a request for burnt alive before.

Mrs Smith. Starts to grizzle again
Please Harry.*sobs* Please I want him writhing in pain and his flesh slowly charring off, *sobs* He is scared of naked flames Harry.I cant even have lit candles. *sobs* Please I simply could not bear to have him not suffer. I want to be there too, to watch. I am going to be standing right there Harry *sobs* eating a curly wurly while he boils and melts.*sob sob sob*

Harry.
Okay Madam calm down, I have checked for you,we can do burnt to death.

Mrs Smith
Oh thank you Harry. You are a wonderful man. Can we do it now?

Harry
I do apologise Madam but we are fully booked until Tues at 4pm.

Mrs Smith
Oh Harry that’s 2 days away. I simply can’t fathom the thought to wait 2 whole days, can you not squeeze an arson attack on him in before then.

Harry
I am sorry Madam but no, we are fully booked.

Mrs Smith
Okay Harry, I have no alternative but to patiently await for that slot then.

Harry
Excellent Madam. Now what’s his name, his description and the place he will be Tues at 4pm.

Mrs Smith
His name is Mr Graham Smith; he is 44 fat bold and very ogly. He will be at his allotment at 4pm on Tuesday planting his seeds of doubtful veg .The allotment is at Acre Gardens, no 42. You will burn the bastard wont you Harry

Harry
We will burn him for you Madam. Now will you be paying by credit card, postal order or cheque?

Mrs Smith
Postal order please.

Harry
Okay that will be £4,500 for the burning. Make the postal order out to Hitman for Hire.

Mrs Smith
Excellent. Thank you so very much. I just can’t wait. I will be there waiting with my curly wurly.

Harry
May I ask Madam, just out of curiosity what Mr Smith said to you to make you hate him so?

Mrs Smith
The man ate my Curly wurly Harry.

Harry
Yes but you said he mumbled something unforgivable to you.

Mrs Smith
Yes Harry he did. It was unforgivable.

Harry
Well may I ask what, it could mean the difference between less or more petrol?

Mrs Smith
Well in that case of course. He said “That was the best curly wurly I ever tasted”

Harry
What a bastard Madam.

Mrs Smith
YES, The most insolent thieving bastard that ever there was Harry.That man ate the best curly wurly i almost ever tasted. There will never be a curly wurly like that again

Harry.
We will insure extra flammable petrol is used for your inconvenience and loss. Now good day to you Madam.

Mrs Smith
Thank you Harry & a good day to you too.

HA! Loved it. This line:

"Harry:
What a bastard Madam."

Made me laugh out loud, which is something I rarely do Lol.

I thought it was great, especially when I imagined the voice of Mrs Smith been very upper class and as if she had been inconvenienced by Hotel staff or something, and Harry sounding like an O2 mobile customer services representative.

I thought it was getting a bit long, but to be honest, I wouldn't want you to shorten it at all

Excellent

Hi Charley

I like this one. Did feel like it was getting a bit long towards the end, but I like the premise and I smiled all the way through.

Dan

It's really funny, Charlie, though I would trim it a little. Love the scenario and how it's handled. Mad? You're in good company.

Hi Guys.
Thanks for the comments so far. Your right it does drone on a bit.
I just thought i would keep it exactly is. I tell you, you should see some of the other stuff. I was a dirty minx even back then. No wonder i had my boys early!I cant believe i wrote some of it. Worth keeping for the gander at the past. This was the only normal non filth one. No wonder i got suspended from drama class. I make my own mind boggle sometimes. xxx

Yeah I thought it was ok, cut it down and tweak is a bit but it's a very solid sketch, and the way they spoke to each was quite comical too.

Harry.
Well we do Knifed, car crash, shot, smothered, battered and drowned.

Mrs Smith
I don’t like any of those Harry. Can you not set him on fire?

It's possibly because she uses his name Harry a lot I don’t know, funny though

And Charlie it is funny the stuff you write when you're young I'm 18 and my stuff hilarious hahahahahaha!!!

Mark, is there any chance you could set up a "BSG late" where we can browse through some of Charlies teenage work?

Hahahahahaha!!! Ginger Jesus, I am crawling on my hands & knees to get to the loo b4 its toooooooo late. Oooooooooops nope, too late. Hilarious! !xxx
Yey Mark. Can we?

Funny, funny, funny but as funny as it was, trim it and then it will become even slicker in pace.

It's a good sketch especially when we know you wrote this at 17.

Got to say it's funny but i started skim-reading halfway through. The opening two lines seem too long to begin with. Too much banter. When writing dialogue you're imitating real life but not too accurately. Real speak is filled with fluff words. The art is giving individuality without drowning the listener / reader with extra words that add no meaning.

Don't get me wrong, this is funny but I'd cut at least half the words. This will cause the joke density to rise and it gets more people to read it, rather than look at the size and think, "I'll read a short 'un, instead." It's a competitive world, give everything you do the edge over the competition.

Example:
"Good afternoon to you Sir, I would very much like to order a Hitman please"

Ask yourself, is the time of day necessary? Then bin reference to it.

Is reference to his gender needed? We've heard or seen him by now so we know it's a man. Then bin sir.

"I would very much like to ..." meet someone who speaks in that strange way.

It seems odd to think a 17-year old wrote that line.

I'd delete harry's opening line and replace the girl's line with:

"Is that Hitmen R Us?"

"Is this the cops?"

"No."

"Then yes, it is. Who'd you want hit?"

Harry's line is now less waffly and gives all the information needed to set the scene as opposed to:
"Certainly madam. Call me Harry please. I just need a few details, firstly who is the hit."

"Certainly madam" is unneeded. Gender is already known by voice / actress.

"Call me Harry please." His name isn't needed (unless I missed something in my mid-section skim)

"I just need a few details" is self explanatory when he then immediately asks for those details.

If names are unimportant, avoid using them. Only use them in complex scenes where the target of the speech may be in confusion. Repetitive use of names unless leading to a gag is only slowing the script up.

Don't get me wrong Charlie, I really like your style and sketches but you can put them onto a higher level again with little extra effort.

I liked it top stuff wish the hitman I talked to was that polite... It's got that wicked charm to it that makes you smile when you really shouldn't be Good work

Yey! totaly see where you are coming from SlagA.

I may re-work it a little and defo trim it down.

Thanks guys.