What do you mean "I haven't executed it with anything funny" - I don't understand you meaning behind "executed".

If the Police officer doesn't explain the purpose - is the sketch funny?

Should the mascots be somewhere else?

I meant not written with enough wit.

Why are you asking about moving the mascots somewhere else? Who brought that up or why do you think it would help?!

Ben,

I'd assumed you may of thought the premise would be funny if they weren't in Bristol - I asked the question simply because I didn't understand your term.

I'm going to annoy you now - what do you mean by 'Wit'. Should the sketch have puns, lines of dialogue with jokes. Should the other characters talk? I tried to make the sketch succinct.

Perhaps if you tell me a character in a comedy that you think has quintessential 'wit' - then I will incorporate that type of humour. For example 'Blackadder? Eddie Murphy? Sue Sylvester?'

I can't tell you precisely how to make a sketch funny. You need to figure that out for yourself. If you can't, then maybe sketch writing isn't for you.

It's not really fair to suggest someone gives up after only writing a handful of attempts, Ben. I'm sure your first few were absolute guff? Surely that's what practice and learning is for?

Ben,

There are people enjoying the sketches - perhaps you shouldn't critique unless you can identify and back up one specific opinion of your own.

If being vague was a sport - you'd be the winner!

NAT - how many times do you need to be told to leave me alone? OCD my arse! Go away Go away. Please. You're allowed to be happy. Stay away from reading my ideas. You have a lovely choice to read and be with things that make you happy. You don't like me - so get! Shoo. Move on. BACK AWAY FROM THE VROOMBOO - For the LOVE of PEACE and TRANQUILITY!! HATERS - you have free choice - I DON'T RULE THE WORLD YET!

I'm not trying to be rude, but Miss V keeps asking us to tell her what to change in some detail. I don't see how us telling her exactly what to write is going to help. I think some general advice is helpful to a writer, but getting other people to effectively correct the entire sketch is of little help.

Woah, what? Vroom, I'm sorry my comment has upset you, but if you reread you might notice I'm defending you against the negative comments. I thought I was doing the right thing by sticking up for you.

Yeah, have to admit that's how I saw it too... thought that looked more like the actions of a friend, or at least someone on your side...

She was implying that my first sketches were guff. That is another insult. Clear and Clear. Like everything else she writes following my post her aim is to be a git to me.

She's one of those people who will dislike a person because of a thought that they've had. I'm sure all the wars in the world don't compel her to write hate mail to the world leaders. She's a member of the thought police - no doubt an ex religious nut - probably catholic!

After being asked politely by me, then told by this forum's admin, then asked again by me - she keeps coming back, as happy in her anger and bile as before. If she's not under 17 years old - then she's demonstrating Sociopathic signs - A person that cannot control themselves.

Vroomboo, just leave it.

I think you're reading too much into it Vroomboo, in fact I know you are. You might want to be more careful and considered in your words, especially on Nat's Birthday. In no way has she had a go at you at all, anywhere, you are the paranoid one.

Be thankful people here are willing to try and give constructive feedback, the initial pain will receed and then you will be grateful and will have grown a bit as a person and your work will improve.

Vroomboo, why are you so desperate to please and why are you plaguing people with questions as to what they like?

Write what you find funny and if people like it well in good, if they don't generally they will give you constructive feedback as to where you may have gone wrong. You take that on board, learn from it and move on.

For what its worth I liked the sketch. I thought it was very 'Big Train' and would look great filmed.

*** Offers round Jelly babies.... ***

Quote: Otterfox @ January 19 2011, 5:39 PM GMT

Vroomboo, why are you so desperate to please and why are you plaguing people with questions as to what they like?

Write what you find funny and if people like it well in good, if they don't generally they will give you constructive feedback as to where you may have gone wrong. You take that on board, learn from it and move on.

For what its worth I liked the sketch. I thought it was very 'Big Train' and would look great filmed.

View original

All a bit weird....this part of the thread.

Back to the actual work, if you're comparing it to big train, perhaps the cat and mouse sketch, I feel that's do a HUGE disservice to BT.

I felt the language didn't really fit, it wasn't close enough to how those real life characters would speak (IMO), nor was it watered down enough to make it obviously affected for comedy.

"I gonna p%ss on you all! You wait till I tell my Dad"

Those 2 rants just don't fit together.

The Police officer seemed too American (saluting?) and too wordy.

Also, I didn't see why kevlar/knives/guns issue was raised? Superfluous.

I wonder if you're trying too hard to show you're creative and it's becomes overly descriptive and long winded. You maybe better with short stories?

Sorry if the above seems too negative