Haven't you noticed how most standup comedy is mostly a collection of observations of lifes peculiarities and eccentricities?

So here's some standup observations feel free to add.

Then decide if you'll take a vow of chastity and ignore them, or pilfer them for your routine...

1 Mars bars have veins.
2 Dogs eat poo but their owners don't mind them licking their faces.
3 Pirates are only ok of their 300 years old and not African.
4 You only wear a suit if you're dead or about to lie about something.
5 Maltesers ressemble rabbit shit
6 Why doesn't anybody make sequels from 1980s films

Bit shit but I'm sure you can do better

Blue tac looks like smurf do do
You never see whit dog turd anymore?
I know what you're thinking I look like fat/old/glasses wearing version of that person who was once on tele.
"That's how I roll"

This was the spine of my set.

4 You only wear a suit if you're dead or about to lie about something.

Now THAT is funny.

Here are some less original observations (available every night of the week at open mic nights up and down the land):

1. Men and Women are sometimes a bit different
1a. So are cats and dogs
2. Politicians don't always tell the truth
3. Racism is bad. Really bad.
4. Anyone with glasses has a superficial resemblance to Harry Potter.