THE ORIGINS OF BILLY LAMPOST.
PRESENTER:
Old time footballer Billy Lampost's career and indeed life is somewhat of an enigma and several facets of his story are shrouded in mystery. With newly discovered evidence we can at last solve much of the mystery surrounding the Ashton Town legend.
It could be said that William Liam 'Billy' Lampost was always ahead of his time. He was born in the town of Ashton on 4th November 1881 which would have made him four and a half months premature but after a stern talking to and the promise of polish for his hair the doctors convinced him to go back in.
Billy was born for the second time on 20th March 1882. The extra months of gestation were not kind to Billy and he was born with a full moustache and what the medics referred to as 'a deaf leg'. The doctors of Ashton it must be remembered were some of the poorest in the country and explained his leg defect as follows:
'His left leg will find it hard to hear what his head is thinking so his leg has to guess what his brain is telling his leg to do which results in an uncontrollable left leg'.
It kicked when he walked, it would stretch when he hopped or run when he sat. As you can imagine, things were not easy for Billy in school. A ten year old with a full moustache and a leg with a life of it's own. The other kids would tease him and call him names like 'dirt-lip' and 'haunted-leg' or 'Billie' instead of 'Billy'.
It meant that Billy became introverted and very much a loner. He would run to the local lake and would play strange games like attempting to climb the lake, he would throw rocks at stones and he would pretent his hair was grass.
After one particularly bad day of bullying, Billy fled the school and ran, hopped, jumped and knelt his way to the lake.
He began thumping the ground in rage with his wild leg and then he began to notice that he was moving vertically, downwards. He was falling. He kept falling until he landed, at which point he stopped and found himself in a dark cave.
It is said that the cave had been inhabited thousands of years previously by a strange race that were blessed with lightening-quick reflexes and speed. Some say they were an unknown race that died-off during the last Ice Age, others say that they were an alien race that just disappeared, more say.....other things.
No one truly knows what happened in the cave but when Billy emerged his leg was perfect and his moustache.....well his moustache was still there but a 50% improvement isn't bad.
An elderly neighbour asked Billy if he had had an epiphany but Billy did not know what that was so that question did'nt really go anywhere.
Billy was delighted with his new found freedom but he was still a loner and an outcast in school and the other boys would not let him play football with them so Billy would play football by himself every evening when he got home from school. After 2 years his parents bought him a ball. This was the turning point. Finally he had something to kick.
Billy was a natural and had the touch and skill of a man twice his age. It seemed as though the reflexes and speed of the mysterious cave-dwelling race had somehow tranferred to Billy.
He had always been a huge fan of local side Ashton Town and liked nothing better than showing up at their ground on a Saturday afternoon when they were not playing and would climb the length of the pitch, he would then leave bottles of milk all around the pitch and would take the milk on in a match.
If he was able to beat the milk without knocking a single bottle his award was to drink all the milk. If he lost or knocked a bottle over he had to drink the milk as punishment.
It was during one of these 'Milk Cups' that a few of the players showed up and were so impressed that they told him to bugger off, but the manager had spotted him and the now 17 year old Billy went straight into the 1st team and became an instant hero in Ashton for his silky skills and lightening pace.
Those who saw him say he was the best footballer they had ever seen and that included all the players that they had not even seen or heard of. Even 'Blind' Sandy Macklin said he was by far the best footballer he had ever heard or smelled.
Billy seemed to have it all which was a far cry from a 10 year old Joseph Stalin look-a-like with a mad leg. He helped Ashton Town to 4 titles and 3 FA Cups between 1900 and 1905.
Billy didnt realise it at the time but the 1905 FA Cup final would be his last match for the club. Billy suffered a freak injury and due to the below par medical team, many of whom were also miners, and their inability to understand his leg, Billy was forced to retire at the age of 23.
He could regularly be seen after that passed out at local creamaries in the dead of night. It was after one of these nights that Billy ran into the darkness, never to be seen again. There are 47 theories put forward as to what became of Billy, perhaps we are now about to find out the answer........No.......I thought we were going to find out but am......but no....
FADES OUT.
END.
