Sitcom set in belfast. based around a few guys leaving their job in a bar to get whatever they can, to improve their lives with disaterous effects. cheers
PILOT
OUR FIRST DAY
WRITTEN BY
JAMES MCCLOSKEY
1 INT.GARAGE.NIGHT
The lads are sitting in a garage, which looks more like someone’s sitting room. The walls are covered with heavy metal posters, as well as the sex bomb that is Roxette. They have an old TV, a Tape Recorder and a small bar in the corner that only GOLIATH, 40, very small and going bald can reach. He is joined by SLEDGE, 26, tall dark hair and ROGER, 30, fair hair and well built who are sitting on a bean bag and a tin of paint respectably, with JONTY (TURKEY), 28, ginger hair and dressed head to toe in black and supporting a mullet, lying sleeping, with half a Donor Kebab as a pillow and a cucumber in his hand.
ROGER
Look at the state of Tom Cruise.
Pointing at Jonty
ROGER
God love him, he’s really never needed that extra chromosome. Fell from the top of the ugly tree hit every available branch on the way down, but had the courage to scale the tree again, but unfortunately managed to hit even more braches, that weren’t even there the first time, to re-claim the trophy off the elephant man. I mean even if his ma and da got divorced, they’d still be brother and sister!
SLEDGE
It’s the superior genes that have been handed down his family throughout the centuries. I mean he is the only man I know that’s family tree goes in a straight line!
GOLIATH
(SERIOUS)
If that aul mutt of a ma of his would cook him a dinner. I mean who’s barred from his own kitchen!
SLEDGE
He’s not barred. His parents just, what’s the word, hate their son-nephew.
Sledge gets up and walks over to Jonty, gently fixing the Kebab under his head so he doesn’t get a sore neck, then as Jonty’s mouth opens he takes the cucumber and sticks it in his mouth.
ROGER
You’ll make someone a lovely wife one day. And by the looks of it so will Jonty!
3 INT.GARAGE.LATER/CONT’D
The lads are still sitting in the garage. Roger’s eyes light up when he spots Jonty’s shoe sitting on the floor.
ROGER
Here lads I’ve been thinking. Its Jonty’s birthday coming up soon and I think we should all do something special for him. How about I don’t know, freeze his shoe?
Sledge jumps up and grabs the shoe.
SLEDGE
That’s a belter.
We see Goliath who is sitting on a bar stool behind the bar. We see behind him there is a florescent sign saying Goliath’s bar, then underlined ‘where everybody knows my name’.
GOLIATH
This has nothing to do with me men. That’s my chum!
Roger looks at sledge and vice versa. Sledge throws a dart and it just misses Goliath’s head, hitting the dart board just above him.
SLEDGE/ROGER
Blame him.
GOLIATH
It’s like that then.
He then kisses his fists and punches his fist on his other hand followed by his elbow on his other hand. Sledge fills up the boot with Beer and hands it to Goliath who reluctantly puts it into the freezer.
4 INT.HILL/BAR.DAY
Sledge and Jonty are in the Hill working. Its tea time and it’s only the locals in. The Hill is a darkly lit, square of a bar, with most of the action happening, at the side of it. It’s in dire need of a good clean, but people have given up hope of anything happening. Sledge is at the bar and is serving big Shearer, with Harry next to him.
Sledge sets Shearers drink down.
SLEDGE
Well shearer, you sobered up from last night?
SHEARER
O aye.
SLEDGE
I mean you let yourself down big time mate. Hope that doesn’t happen again!
SHEARER
No chance mate. Why what did I do anyway?
SLEDGE
Well first of all you took a swing at me missed. Then you threw an empty glass at me missed and then you took off your shoe and hit me on the side of the head.
Shearer shakes his head and walks to the toilet.
HARRY
Jesus he sounds like he was out of order last night?
SLEDGE
Wouldn’t know Harry I was off last night.
Harry shakes his head.
SLEDGE
(THOUGHTS)
I don’t think lying is a bad thing, I mean white lies anyway, and that’s how I managed to keep people like shearer on the straight and narrow. I mean keeping guys like him on your side is a big plus. When ever they are drunk make up a story that suits you and they all believe it, and as soon as one disciple believes it the easer it becomes, look what happened to Jesus, he spread a few yarns and now look at him, Mr popular.
He looks at aul Marge sitting in the corner, who in turn gives him the finger. He gives her the finger back and then she gives him the tongue, he winches then she throws her empty glass in the direction of Sledge, smashing on the bar.
SLEDGE
(CONT’D)
Same again Marge?
Sledge then gabs an empty and throws one back at her. We hear her scream.
MARGE
(O.O.V)
My beautiful face!
SHEARER
Beautiful! Jonty any ice?
They all laugh at Jonty as he is holding his frozen caterpillar.
JONTY
See what this little root did. I mean it sledgehammer; someone’s going to get a thick lip! See when my ma sees this; she’s going to….
SLEDGE
It was Goliath. Some mate he is! I told him not to. You know what he’s like! I wish he’d grow up!
SHEARER
So does he!
HARRY
Jonty get some ice here. Frig sake get it sorted. Can’t get the staff these days. Thank god your leaving, I mean we’ll miss big Sledge, but you where always an eye sore. The only disappointing thing is you’ll be back in a week begging for your job back.
JONTY
Harry remember the time I seen you in Gresham street outside the sex shop and you where holding a...
HARRY
A fish supper? Or was it a straight banana or maybe a fishing rod or even a strap on. I mean the amount of times I’ve heard that story!
JONTY
No it was a purple dildo, you aul perv. Harry I just want to meet the biggest fattest ugliest bird. And then buck her all night until the neighbours complain about the smell!
5 INT.BAR.LATER
Sledge and Jonty are standing at the bar looking a bit lost.
They are looking around the bar.
SLEDGE
Thank god were getting out of this dump. I mean look at these victims. Look, there’s psycho Marge.
Marge is sitting on her own with a full pint. She drinks it in one and sets the empty pint down, then looks away and goes mental.
MARGE
Who drank my pint?
She then throws her pint at the bar and sledge and Jonty duck.
JONTY
Yea, sure look at beat box Benny is having a drink with his mates.
They look down and beat box Benny is talking to himself adding in different noises and mannerisms, and switching seats to reply to himself.
BENNY
Yea I’m just in for a (BEATBOX NOISE) quiet pint.
Switching seats
BENNY
Sure (BEEPBOP) stay for another.
Switching seats again.
BENNY
Gotta go. Sure last time I stayed out, you and me had a scrap. I knocked you out. Stevie’s very quiet tonight!
Then an old man Usher walks up to the bar. Wearing the latest shell suit and a pair of Nike air max.
USHER
So I hear you’re leaving sledge? Is it not a bit late now?
SLEDGE
I’m only 26 usher. I’m not a 70 year old man, with a dog, a fresh tattoo, and strangely his seventh piercing of which I can only see 6!
USHER
It’s a hip hop world sledge. When I was your age I was married, divorced, hired, fired, born, reborn, black, white, up, down, left, right shaking it all about. Things have changed so much. But don’t be wasting anytime, go out and do something before it’s too late. Although, who would hire you, that’s the thing! Later dog.
SLEDGE
(THOUGHTS)
And I though things in those days where much simpler!
SLEDGE
Thanks usher, great advice.
SLEDGE
(THOUGHTS)
SHOUTING
You freak!
At that moment his dog Simpson with great choreography manages to shit and be sick all over the place.
USHER
Oops, looks like Simpson has had a little accident.
SLEDGE
(THOUGHTS)
Little! Suppose it’s better than the time you had a little accident. He’s teaching that dog the wrong tricks.
Jonty walks over and makes a slight overreaction to the situation.
JONTY
O my god has that bloody dog shit all over the place again. A fer God sake would you look at the smell.
SLEDGE
It’s been sick as well Jonty.
JONTY
And sick as well. I don’t believe this. Who’s the owner? What does the owner have to say about this?
At that moment usher bends down to clean up the mess and falls on top of the mess and begins to roll over the mess, unable to get up, with the dog jumping on top of him. We see Jonty looking over at sledge and laughing.
JONTY
(CONT’D)
I can’t believe this; I mean what is this place a barn yard. Thank god I’m leaving tomorrow; I shouldn’t have to see this, I’m scared for life.
SLEDGE
Awe look, the aul bitch is being sick again!
JONTY
Its not.
SLEDGE
Not that one the other one.
At that moment we see the aul slapper Marge being sick in the corner. Jonty then looks over to Marge.
SLEDGE
(THOUGHTS)
Woof woof.
In walks a new face, a tall guy about 40 with dark slicked back hair and a moustache. The entire bar looks round and checks him out. As no one knows who he is. Jonty walks over to serve him.
JONTY
Alright big lad. What can I get you?
SLICK
Can I get a brandy ginger?
JONTY
No problem.
Jonty walks over and gets him a brandy and ginger and sets it down in front of him.
SLICK
I didn’t ask for that.
JONTY
You asked for a brandy and ginger.
SLICK
I didn’t. I asked for a brandy, ginger.
The rest of the bar starts laughing apart from Jonty who doesn’t like the joke. Slick thinks he’s cool with his joke, shaking his head and Winking to himself.
HARRY
Good one Brylcream, you wearing that haircut for a laugh.
He puts his hand out to shake it but slick instead does the fist. Harry doesn’t no what the score is, but uncomfortably does the fist, gangster style.
SLICK
How did you know my name?
HARRY
Your names not Slick.
The rest of the bar try and hold in their laughter in.
HARRY
You’re having me on here. Who the hell calls themselves Slick? What’s your real name?
JONTY
Dick.
SLEDGE
Head.
MARGE
Yes please.
SLICK
That is my real name that’s what I’m known as in the pen.
HARRY
What do you mean the penetencery?
SLICK
No, the penalty box. I was a great finisher.
HARRY
You hear some rubbish talk in here. Here Sledge, you should be glad you’re leaving. Alright, Slick it is. So what has you sliding up here then?
SLICK
First time in this place. Just moved up this direction recently, to be close to the Mrs.
SLEDGE
Who the wife ex wife?
SLICK
No. Me and the wife moved up here to be close to the Mrs. Actually moved next door to her, makes it easier for me, you know.
In walks Liam Kerr the tightest man in Belfast, he is that tight he can hear coins falling on carpet and knows the sound of a note hitting the ground. He spots Slick smoking and walks over to him.
LIAM
You new in here?
SLICK
No I’ve drank here for thirty years.
LIAM
Do you have a lighter?
SLICK
Sure do partner.
He hands him over the lighter and Liam takes a second and evaluates the situation.
SLEDGE
(THOUGHTS)
Wait for it, classic Kerr.
LIAM
Do you have a feg?
SLICK
Do you have a brass neck? Go on take one, your no mug, aul hand!
He gives him a feg and Liam walks away, with his lighter.
Jonty then joins the conversation.
JONTY
So what do you work as big lad?
SLICK
I work down in Sloan’s recruitment agency. I’m the head of security.
SLEDGE
You don’t do a good job sure it’s robbed almost daily!
SLICK
It’s an internal thing I think.
SLEDGE
I bet it is
JONTY
Sure me and this big fella here.
Pointing at Sledge
Are heading down tomorrow to sign up, and get out of this dump, away from these headers.
SLICK
100%. It’s a free one. I mean there are loads of clampets down there, but unless you’re a couple of tubes...
LIAM
Who Ian and Gerry.
SLICK
Well I’m not useless, any chance of getting that lighter back son, don’t wanna cause a scene here.
Liam throws him his lighter back.
SLEDGE
Liam.
Sledge throws a penny down towards the bottom corner. Liam runs down to the corner like an alley rat looking for the penny. Sledge has those white bangers that explode when you hit them off the ground. He throws them at Liam watching him jumping up and down.
SLICK
You can move up the ladder pretty quick. One guy started off as a window cleaner, doing bungalows, and now you wanna see him.
SLEDGE
What’s he doing now?
SLICK
Houses! I’ve seen young lads after two years earning good money. On the other side I’ve seen some balloon heads. There is this wee midget works for us, drive’s the forklift. About 40, thinks he’s the big man. Calls himself Goliath, I mean what sort names that!
SLEDGE
That’s our mate. You’re right he is a cheeky wee (HORN NOISE). Froze his shoe last night!
SLICK
No harm to you, but he’s like a pubescent teenager. I mean for such a small body such a mouth on him.
8 INT.BAR.NIGHT
It’s later on that night and the quiz is on. The front door opens and in walks Goliath. People get up and start to cheer as he walks in.
GOLIATH
(THOUGHTS)
Ladies and gentlemen, 4ft 12 of rare Northern Irish beef has entered the building; lock up your daughters, the man who puts the A in alpha male has entered the building.
SLEDGE
(THOUGHTS)
Lock up your grannies and small animals.
9 SLICK FANTASY
We see Goliath walk in the front door as before and instead of his hero’s welcome, we see the tunnel of hate and everyone is kicking and punching him all the way up to the bar.
10 INT.BAR.NIGHT
Goliath walks up to the bar and we hear the sound of a set of drums going off.
GOLIATH
Can you practise somewhere else mate! I swear to god I love a grand entrance, but I hate drums!
A random guy with a full drum kit gets up and starts to walk off we can see in the back ground him cracking up.
GOLIATH
Good evening. Tell us this, who was the hardest man in here until I came in? PAUSE
The fear and the harrowing silence answers my question. So you ready to work with hard Balls tomorrow?
ROGER
They’re not working with me Goliath.
JONTY
Will there be women? Any fat ones? You know I like an aul fat one. Slap the belly and ride the waves!
GOLIATH
Jonty let me tell you something. The canteen is fit for a Queen or a Pope, depending on what foot you kick with! The fruit and vegetables are as fresh as Prince Charles’s organic farm. Finely picked by the hands of beauty Queens. The breakfasts are fit for an American, and the women are vetted and finely plucked from the most beautiful parents known to man. It is the oasis.
SLEDGE
So why do you work there, equal opportunities, for vertically challenged?
He then looks across the bar to see Slick waving over at him.
GOLIATH
Keep it up Sledge. What’s that root doing here?
JONTY
Who slick? He was in earlier, sound guy.
GOLIATH
(SHOUTING)
He’s not; he’s an oil tanker. Stay clear of him. Tell him to take him and his glorious jet black locks outta here, this is my gaff!
GOLIATH
(THOUGHTS)
If only I had hair like his, I wouldn’t hate so much!
He looks over at him.
Hello Raymond.
Over walks roger.
ROGER
Look who it is, goliath. I didn’t see you there, behind that shot glass.
GOLIATH
You’ll not see a right hook coming if you keep that talk up big man.
ROGER
Frig sake it would be like getting hit by a three year old! Girl!
GOLIATH
Not if the three year old girl had a loaded hammer in her hand and attacked from behind!
SLEDGE
The story of your life Goliath, coming from behind.
Roger then walks over to serve another customer who is freak boy, 30, from the gym. He is his arch enemy. They are very competitive.
ROGER
Alright freak. Is that a double chin I see coming on?
FREAK BOY
(THOUGHTS)
That must be a complement. He loves you.
He takes out a set of scales from somewhere and weighs himself.
FREAK BOY
(CONT’D)
80 kilos. Perfect. BMI 20. We’ll see tomorrow. Hope you’re not too tired from working tonight. No excuses now!
ROGER
Who carries scales around? Do you want something or you just going to bore me?
FREAK BOY
Get us a diet Baileys and ice, now.
ROGER
Why, is there a girl in your company? Who’s drinking Baileys? Next you’ll be asking me out on a date.
FREAK BOY
Where do u wanna go?
He then blows him a kiss and walks away still wearing his all in one leotard. Roger then walks over to T-bone who is barely standing up because he’s so drunk.
ROGER
Here, the answer to question 1 in the quiz is brown sauce.
T-bone acknowledges it and gives Roger the sly wink. But he is so drunk he can’t get his eye lid opened again, he tries in vain to open his eye lid.
Sledge then walks down to big Jackie the taxi driver who is sitting with aul Marge, with his arm around her.
SLEDGE
Alright Jackie, question number 1 is red sauce.
JACKIE
Cheers our kid.
The quiz is about to start and Jonty and Sammy Muff are giving the rules a once over.
JONTY
Alright folks can I have your attention? Welcome to the Hill Tavern quiz. The rules are simple, answer a question and win a drink, answer two and you forfeit that drink. Ok let’s go; shout out as loud as you can. And remember the judge’s decision is final.
Question one ‘what is the…
JACKIE
Red sauce.
SLEDGE
Jackie, you’re wrong.
T-BONE
Brown sauce.
SLEDGE
Who said brown sauce?
T-BONE
I did.
SLEDGE
Wrong.
GOLIATH
Mint sauce.
FRANKIE
M25.
JONTY
Well done Frankie.
JACKIE
What do you mean well done Frankie? The answer is red sauce. Mines a vodka and coke.
T-BONE
Unlucky Jackie it was brown sauce. Away and do what you do best, charge people double fares.
JACKIE
It’s like that now. I’ve dropped you off plenty times, blocked, falling all over the place, but I still got you to work in time. Even though you still keep snooping in people’s mail! And stop winking at me anyway, you poof!
T-BONE
I’m not winking my eye lit won’t open.
JONTY
Right lads that’ll do. Well done Frankie. The question was what’s the busiest road in Europe? PAUSE Right next question. What is cong...? What is conjectivness?
ROGER
Jesus Christ John, spit it out.
FREAK BOY
I bet you say that to all the boys Roge.
ROGER
Goliath.
Goliath stands up on one of the tables and dives on freak boy. He gets up again leaving him still on the floor.
JACKIE
For Christ sake get someone up there who can speak.
JONTY
Would you give me a moment? I’m not stupid, I’m just confused.
Sledge then walks over and looks at the question. It says what is conjunctivitis?
SLEDGE
Sorry about that folks we’ll scrap that question.
T-BONE
What’s the question?
SLEDGE
What is conjunctivitis? I think Jonty’s got it.
T-BONE
Is it contagious?
JONTY
Right folks final question of tonight.
Roger walks over to where Goliath is standing and smirks at him.
GOLIATH
You better not be smirking at me son? You saw what happened to your boyfriend!
ROGER
You need this question Goliath. What has it been, 6 years, since you last went without a free drink? Have all those STD’s finally gone to your head?
GOLIATH
Whatever, anyway, I’m clear; I’m a regular visitor to level three!
ROGER
The only thing you’re immune to is getting your leg over!
We move back to Jonty who is about to read out the final question.
JONTY
Right. What is the capital of…?
GOLIATH
(THOUGHTS)
Capital cities, yes. Dear diary JACKPOT
JONTY
Denmark?
GOLIATH/SLICK
Copenhagen.
JONTY
Would you believe it, we have a dead heat.
GOLIATH
We’ll have a dead quizmaster if you don’t give me that drink.
Slick looks over at Goliath and smirks at him.
JONTY
Goliath your not in long kesh now son. Well, when it’s a dead heat there is only one way to solve it.
GOLIATH
Happy day’s right Slick me and you outside.
Goliath is about to walk out with a hammer in his hand ready for battle.
JONTY
No Goliath the other way. Pitch and toss.
ROGER
Where did you get the hammer from?
GOLIATH
My Ma always says never leave the house without one!
They walk over to the wall and get ready for the battle. Goliath loses the toss so he has to throw first. As he gets ready to throw we see Slick peel off a bit of blue tack off the wall and place it under his coin.
Goliath throws a shot its millimetres away from the wall, only a stander will beat it.
GOLIATH
Sledge, mines a bottle of Magners.
SLEDGE
It’s not over yet, Samson.
Up steps Slick. He gets ready to throw it and he looks at Goliath and not the wall. As he throws it, it basically stands up still on the wall. Slick wins and Goliath is distraught.
11 INT.GARAGE.NIGHT
They go back to the garage after work. It was their last night in the Hill. The garage looks quite cool. Goliath is in his usual spot behind the bar. A dart board is covered with a poster of William Pruinier, the old Trafford misfit, just above his head.
GOLIATH
I don’t know why the dart board has to be here?
Sledge throws a dart just missing his head.
JONTY
It’s always been there; don’t be getting any taller thou! So Goliath what’s the craic about tomorrow? You have you ear closest to the ground. What's the score?
GOLIATH
Mention my name and doors will open.
ROGER
Aye and wallets will tighten bums too and women will panic with fear.
GOLIATH
You keep talking, I’ll keep shovelling. Walk in, you’ll meet Maggy. Top girl. I don’t want any of you two giving her any grief.
SLEDGE
Goliath. Yee of little faith.
GOLIATH
I know what you’re like with the ladies sledgehammer and I definitely know what you’re like Jonty, me and the old R.U.C!
JONTY
Right so what’s this Maggy like?
GOLIATH
Like a golden shower on a warm November night. Like a big hug from your hot mother just after her boob job. Like a …
JONTY
Right we get the picture you freak. It’s hardly going to matter anyway.
GOLIATH
I’m telling you she’s cool. The only one you have to watch out for is slick.
ROGER
He’s a gentleman goliath; you should take a leaf out of his book.
GOLIATH
You’d know. This guy has robbed places, set people up, hired, fired, rewired, and even burnt down a place in Mallusk to win a £20 bet! Just watch him, but you’ll be dead on. Any who how’s the love life boys?
SLEDGE
Still doing a bit of chasing. No joy as yet.
GOLIATH
What about big bad Becky?
SLEDGE
(ANXIOUS)
What about her?
GOLIATH
Does she wanna real man yet?
SLEDGE
Don’t know; don’t even think about her anymore.
GOLIATH
Its maybe time the big lad here made his move. What about you roger, still with that piglet?
ROGER
Who sally or your ma? No I’m still with screech. Buts it’s not too bad she only goes mental when she’s drinking.
JONTY
Is she still drinking everyday then?
ROGER
Aye.
JONTY
Sledge what’s the number for the kebab shop?
GOLIATH
O my god! That’s you problem Jonty. Apart from being a cross between a Turkey and Rocky Dennis, all you want to do is get a stinking kebab.
JONTY
What’s the number?
SLEDGE
How many times have I told you this number, and you still don’t know it. I’m going to pay, so you can get a tattoo of that number on your penis, cos every time you think of a kebab you get an erection. On second thoughts that would never work, we’d only get the first two digits!
Sledge gets his phone and starts to dial the number and gives it to Jonty. Who looks at the phone and it says Mogul.
JONTY
(ON THE PHONE)
Hello is there a chance of a Delivery? What, sorry? I’ll be home now. I’ve not drunk. I’m still at work, overtime. I’ll be home in a minute I tell you. Are you crying? Well hit back dad.
SLEDGE
Tell him to do a Goliath and get the hammer out!
He hangs up the phone.
JONTY
(CONT’D)
See if you ever pull a stunt like that again. That’s me getting my balls rolled when I get in. That's why I have to get Donor king every night. The woman shouts all day and night and then my Da comes in, all I can hear is screaming, then the sound of a punch and a kick, then I hear crying, then I’m the one clearing the blood up and bring my dad to hospital! I can’t get a bloody dinner. There’s a padlock on the kitchen door. I have to get a chippy every night cos she doesn’t cook a dinner anymore, ok; the woman that works in the chippy is more of a mother than my own! That's why I want a Donor king. I am so hungry and pissed off I actually have thoughts of mulling goliath, just give me the number!
13 INT.SLEDGE’S CAR.DAY
Sledge is driving down to pick up Jonty in his retro VW Jetta when he suddenly sees Becky. He slows down and chats with her. He is playing ‘Rhythm is a dancer’ in his car.
SLEDGE
Hey, sugar lips.
BECKY
Hey. How’s things?
SLEDGE
Better now I’ve seen you, I’m out job hunting today. Left the bar last night, this time next year...
BECKY
You’ll be 27!
SLEDGE
So anything new?
BECKY
No, listen I gotta go here. I’ll see you later, bye. And did you give goliath my number, he’s been texting me all last night and this morning?
SLEDGE
That little short-arse.
See walks away and Sledge spots an old wooden chair on the street and gets out of the car and opens the back door of his car and takes out the empty keg from the back of his car and replaces it with the wooden chair. He seems to be pleased with his decision to swap them.
14 INT.CAR.LATER
Sledge is outside Jonty's house picking him up for their first day at work. Jonty jumps into the car. They are playing the song ‘Are you the guys on the beach that hate everything’ and singing along to the music.
JONTY
New seat? Happy days where did you pick that up?
SLEDGE
Auction, where do you think? On my way round here.
JONTY
Pity you didn’t find a child’s seat, and then we could have picked up Goliath.
15 INT.RECRUITMENT AGENCY.LATER
They walk into the office and notice two girls sitting there. They then both remember Goliath’s rendition of who Maggy is.
We see the two girls closer now. One is a total babe, with a great body and the other is a bit plump and a bit ugly. They walk over to the good-looking one. They both look at each other and give the fart noise.
JONTY/SLEDGE
Fart.
GIRL
So it’s your first day here. I hope you enjoy working for us.
JONTY
Aye sure will. Is that the perfume I bought you for Christmas?
GIRL
No. Well if you could just fill the forms out and give them back to me and never speak to me again, that would be great.
JONTY
Don’t be like that love. I could go off you very quickly.
GIRL
I have already gone off you ultra quickly. Give me a shout when you’re finished chromosome.
JONTY
Why are people calling me that?
She gets up and walks back to her desk. There is another girl that is sitting next to them and seems to be ear wigging everything they are saying.
SLEDGE
Do you always have to get on like a cabbage? She’s the boss of the company and you’re talking crap.
He looks at the woman next to him. Who, is listening to their conversation.
SLEDGE
(CONT’D)
Did you get all that, hyacinth?
GIRL 2
Excuse me.
JONTY
Why did you fart?
GIRL 2
Who do you think you’re talking to?
JONTY
Flip sake, someone put a lamb chop in her mouth, would they? Sorry seems like she’s already ate the bloody thing! Spit the bone out love!
GIRL 1
Maggy the phone.
JONTY/SLEDGE
Maggy.
SLEDGE
(THOUGHTS)
Why!
MAGGY
Who the hell do you think you are, coming into my office and slabbering at me? I’ve been only been having two dinners at night!
She starts picking up objects and throwing them everywhere, even throwing some things at them. She is screaming in hysterics and they both look gob smacked.
In walks Goliath with an invoice.
GOLIATH
What’s happened in here? Well it’s not all bad; my Ma’s making lamb chops tonight, O yea.
At that moment Maggy grabs a stapler and throws it in Goliath's direction hitting him. Jonty runs over to help Goliath up.
JONTY
You’re going to need stitches in that mate.
GOLIATH
It’s only a scratch. I’ll run it off.
GOLIATH
(THOUGHTS)
SOBBING
She’s treating you mean to keep you keen. Tough love big man.
MAGGY
You two get out and don’t come back.
SLEDGE
That's ok we’ll go somewhere else. You’re not the only recruitment agency in N Ireland. This place is a dump anyway.
MAGGY
Is that right? Well my family own nearly all the recruitment agencies in N Ireland, so good luck finding a job.
At that moment all looks to be lost, the lads have disaster written all over their faces. The in walks Slick.
SLICK
Alright lads? Good first day then?
JONTY
Definitely starting at the bottom.
Maggy walks into her office and slick follows her in.
SLICK
What the hell’s happened in here? Did you not have lunch or something?
MAGGY
No. They said something.
SLICK
Well you’re going to have to stop overreacting like that.
MAGGY
I want them two pieces of shit out of my office now. Especially Rocky Dennis
SLICK
Isn’t that a bit harsh.
MAGGY
Get them out Raymond, now.
SLICK
Think about this situation and what you can gain from it. You know what you’re like when you’re annoyed?
MAGGY
I know. But I don’t feel like sex now Raymond, maybe later.
SLICK
I didn’t mean that!
SLICK
(THOUGHTS)
Although the new gel must be working.
O yea.
MAGGY
Well what do you mean then?
SLICK
What’s in that top drawer of that filing cabinet? PAUSE
A drawer full of jobs that no one wants to do.
MAGGY
Good point. We lose thousands each year cos we can’t get clampets stupid enough to do them.
SLICK
And do you know who else can help them. That little midget Goliath. They’ll be like snap, crackle and pop.
Slick then walks out to reception.
SLICK
Boys I don’t know what you said or did, or what cut of meat you mentioned and I don’t want to know. But I have managed to calm down pork chop and you have one last chance to salvage your career here.
SLEDGE
Thanks very much, Slick.
JONTY
Cheers.
SLICK
Just apologise to Meat loaf, I mean Maggy and we’ll forget the whole thing.
They both look at Maggy.
SLEDGE/JONTY
We’re sorry. Won’t happen again.
She looks at them with her crocodile tears and gives a fake smile and then returns to her bastard face.
MAGGY
Don’t mention that again. You both better have black suits and shoes. Because tomorrow you are working for Smith funeral services. Meet here tomorrow at 8:00am and well take you down there.
JONTY
You had better get me a new pair of shoes by tomorrow.
17 INT.BAR.LATER
Sledge is standing in the bar with Goliath and roger.
SLEDGE
Right Goliath since it was you put it in the freezer; I think you should pay for Jonty’s new shoes.
GOLIATH
Here Einstein, I think you should pay for it. Don’t you roger? Cos I seem to have a love scar from Maggy all cos of you two!
ROGER
He shouldn’t have fallen asleep. Anyway, it was Goliath that froze them. Speaking of love scars Goliath that suits you, make you look harder.
SLEDGE
What are we going to do? He needs them for work tomorrow.
GOLIATH
I’ve got it. You only need one shoe, don’t you?
SLEDGE
Aye.
GOLIATH
Well, steal one. In town, all those shoe shops have one shoe out the front. Find out which shoe it is, and bingo, nick it.
Sledge and Roger smile.
18 EXT.CITY CENTRE.LATER
Sledge and roger are in the city centre trying to find the matching shoe for Jonty.
SLEDGE
Right, first things first. What foot was it we froze?
ROGER
It was the left.
JAMES
You sure?
ROGER
Sure both his feet are left!
SLEDGE
Stop messing about, was it the left?
PHIL
Yea.
They walk around shops and keep looking for the shoe but to no avail. They pick up one shoe its brown.
ROGER
A bit of polish would do the job?
SLEDGE
No.
They look again and find another pair looks to be the same colour, but a bit too small.
SLEDGE
Too small.
ROGER
Does Goliath need a shoe?
They then walk around again and Roger spots a pair that are just plain wrong. They are more homo sexual than hetro.
ROGER
I think Jonty would look well in these.
Time looks to be running out when at the corner of sledge’s eye he sees a sparkle.
21 EXT.STREET.LATER
They walk down to the rack outside the shop and stand there looking at the elusive boot. The fat security guard is looking at them very closely and they notice this too.
SLEDGE
Right northern bank. How do we get the bloody thing?
ROGER
Just grab it. And then leg it. Chunk lad won’t catch us.
SLEDGE
No we need to distract him.
There are a couple of kids playing outside the shop. Sledge walks over to one of the kids.
SLEDGE
Here chief, come here.
KID
I’m not coming towards you, paedo!
SLEDGE
I’m not a paedo, I’m you mate. Wanna earn an easy fiver?
KID
Paedo get away from me. I don’t want your gay boy money.
ROGER
Here asbo. Just distract that security guard and take the fiver ok. Now do it.
The kid and his mates walk over to the shop and start running about. The security guard tries to calm them down. Just then Roger grabs the boot and he and Sledge run like two greyhounds. The security guard spots them and runs after them. They turn the corner and they can see their bus just about to leave. Frankie Best from the bar is the inspector on the bus and they wave to try and stop him. He does so stopping the bus letting them two on.
SLEDGE
Cheers Frankie.
FRANKIE
What are you two up to? Did you steal that shoe?
ROGER
No we lost one.
22 EXT.FUNERAL HOME.DAY
It’s the lads first day and they are all suited and booted up. They are talking the coffin out of the house. We see Jonty looking at sledge and giving him the death look. Sledge is trying not to laugh. As the camera zooms down we see that Jonty is wearing two left boots. They stole the wrong one. Sledge can’t stop laughing at Jonty nearly tripping as he is carrying the coffin. Then next thing he spots the security guard that was working in the shop, he spots him and starts to run towards him. Jonty and sledge put the coffin down and start to run, getting chased by the security guard and the rest of the congregation. Then Jonty falls thinking the security guard is after him. We then see Becky who was at the funeral too looking at the whole scenario and shaking her head at sledge.
BECKY
Fresh start!
23 INT.GOLIATH’S HOUSE.LATER
We see him walking through his massive house. It’s in darkness and he is alone. He is just watching TV with nobody just him. The David Gray song is playing in the background ‘its not easy being me’.
24 INT.ROGER’S HOUSE.LATER
Roger is sitting down his girlfriend screech is shouting at him and there is lots of bottles of drink all over the place. She is smashing things on the wall and throwing things at him. She throws a plastic bottle of cider at him, which hits him on the head. He opens it up and takes a drink.
25 INT.JONTY’S HOUSE.LATER
We see Jonty lying in his tiny box room. We can hear the music but mainly his parents fighting like crazy. He is looking out the window and shaking his head. He is eating a donor king in his room.
26 INT.SLEDGE’S HOUSE.LATER
Sledge is lying on his bed in his room and is holding a picture of him and Becky when things looked good. The music is still playing. He seems alone too. As he flicks trough the photos we see a picture of the 4 lads all dressed up as three men and a baby, with Goliath dressed up as a kid, in a cot. It says best fancy dress 2004. They are all smiling and happy.
27 INT.HILL.LATER
They are all sitting down at a table having a beer.
Big shearer and Harry Greer are standing at the bar and Harry shouts down.
HARRY
Look Shearer there’s Carl Lewis and Linford christe. Alrite lads?
SHEARER
So it is. I heard they left the coffin for dead.
SLEDGE
Alrite lads. So, how’s the head Goliath.
GOLIATH
What, the love mark. It’s fine. See we have a love-hate relationship.
ROGER
Aye you love her, she hates you.
JONTY
What a nightmare. I mean first of all cos I’ve only one shoe, but most of all cos I’ve earned a life sentence with these lot.
SLEDGE
Jonty I feel hurt.
Slick walks past.
SLICK
Alright lads. Heard about you today, alright Linford.
Talking to sledge.
SLEDGE
Bad day at Blackrock, you know. It shouldn’t get any worse than that should it?
SLICK
No chance sledgehammer. The first day is always the worst. It’s all a ride in the park from now on.
We see his face close up and he lets a little smirk pass his face.
SLICK
(THOUGHTS)
Plenty more where that came from.