Skit Comp 17-25.7.9

Extra-spesh batch this week so special congratulats to MR SUNSHINE for winnin'! Enjoy, have 10 points and PM me for next week's subject please...
PS Welcome to our newest user Mr Jay H and welcome back to Charley.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

6 - 10 - Mr Sunshine
3 - 5 - Nigel Kelly
2 - 1 - Kasm
Special mention: Cool Mikado, Tom G

Your new subject: FAMILY (chosen by Nil Putters)
Rules:
One entry per person. Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 25.7.10

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

149 - Mr Sunshine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
123 - Cool Mikado
122 - Otterfox
112 - Chris Forshaw
104 - Nigel Kelly, Kasm
103 - Frankie
98 - Fred Peters
95 - Michael Monkhouse
82 - Charley Rance
79 - Timbo
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
56 - AngieBaby
54 - Scratchyr
42 - Gerry McDonnell
35 - Afinkawan
32 - Alex Mahon, Swerytd, Paul Watson
28 - Leevil
26 - David Chapman
22 - Craig H, Blobster
21 - Mikey J
20 - James Harris, Roscoff, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Nil Putters, Bushbaby, Cinnamon, Dale
12 - Geoff Mutton, Badge, Will Cam
11 - Steven
10 - Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O, James, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Tumble, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Andy W, losaavedra
02 - Stephen Birch, Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a tinker's cuss, so PM me. Thanks...

EXT. STREET. DAY

A HANDBAG THIEF RUNS PAST A SHOP DOOR, PUSHING PAST BYSTANDERS. MOMENTS LATER 'THE STREAKER' BOUNDS PAST THE SAME SHOP, THE SAME BYSTANDERS NOW DESPERATELY HUGGING THE WALLS OF THE SIDE-STREET WITH THEIR BACKS.

THE STREAKER
Desist villain! The clammy hand of destiny awaits thee!

WITH THE STREAKER ABOUT TO APPREHEND HIM, THE THIEF DARTS INTO AN OPEN DOOR OF A BUILDING.

INT. OFFICE BUILDING.

THE CHASE CONTINUES UNTIL THE THIEF DISAPPEARS INTO AN OFFICE. THE STREAKER BURSTS IN AFTER HIM ONLY TO SEE HIS SISTER AND THE THIEF, BEHIND HER, WHO IS NOW IDENTIFIABLE AS HER HUSBAND.

BEHIND THEM A LARGE PINK BANNER, WITH TWO PINKS BALLOONS AT EACH END, READS "HAPPY INTERVENTION". THE DOOR CLOSES BEHIND HIM AND HE SPINS AROUND, ALERT TO DANGER, ONLY TO SEE HIS HIS MOTHER LOCKING IT. LOOKING AROUND THE ROOM THE STREAKER RECOGNISES SEVERAL OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS AND A FEW CLOSE FRIENDS.

THE STREAKER (A LITTLE TAKEN ABACK BUT TRYING TO MAINTAIN AN AIR OF RIGHTEOUSNESS)
Err... What's going on citizens?

SISTER (TAKING HIS HAND AND STRIVING TO MAINTAIN EYE CONTACT)
This is your intervention, Colin. It's time you stopped this idiotic obsession with naked crime-fighting.

THE STREAKER
You're suggesting there should be some kind of cover-up?! Impossible!! Nothing comes between truth, justice and.. The Streaker! Criminals must take taste the fleshy stench of justice!

HE PLACE HIS HANDS ON HIS HIPS, THRUSTING OUT HIS CHEST PASSIONATELY. HIS COCK DANCES WILDLY. AN ELDERLY AUNT FAINTS.

THE STREAKER (QUIZZICALLY)
Or should that be smells..?

MUM
Your sister's right, Streak... I mean, Colin. We can't go on like this, it's tearing your family and friends apart.

FRIEND
Yeah, we've stopped asking you along to Rugby. Yeah it's hands-on, but it's not that hands-on!

OTHER FRIENDS MURMUR IN AGREEMENT. THE STREAKER FIDDLES CLUMSILY WITH HIS TRADEMARK RED TIE.

THE STREAKER.
And you all feel this way...?

THE ROOM ANSWERS AS ONE
Yes!

THE STREAKER
Well, it's all of you against us two then.

SISTER
"Us two...?"

SHE LOOKS AT HIM, AND THEN AT HIS KNOB.

SISTER (WORRIEDLY)
Are you getting it a cape?

THE STREAKER
No, I mean...

SUDDENLY THE LOCKED DOOR BURSTS OPEN AND THERE, LEANING AGAINST THE DOOR FRAME, SWEATING HEAVILY AND FIGHTING FOR BREATH STANDS AN OVERWEIGHT MAN IN HIS LATE FIFTIES. APART FROM A LONG MAC AND A PAIR OF TRAINERS, HE IS ALSO COMPLETELY NAKED. HE COUGHS DEEPLY, HIS LARGE HAIRY BALLS BOUNCING RHYTHMICALLY. THE RE-AWAKENING AUNT FAINTS AGAIN.

THE STREAKER
Ladies and gentlemen! I introduce to you all...! My new crime-fighting partner...! Mac Daddy!!

SISTER
Dad...?

MAC DADDY (STILL BREATHING VERY HEAVILY)
Alright Pet?

THE MUM, HIT BY THE SWING IN DOOR, SLOWLY NOW SLIDES DOWN THE WALL BEHIND THE DOOR, AND ONTO THE FLOOR. THE STREAKER AND MAC DADDY EXCHANGE GLANCES SHEEPISHLY.

THE STREAKER
Villainy awaits! To the Smart car!

THE STREAKER DASHES PAST MAC DADDY AND OUT OF THE ROOM.

MAC DADDY (STILL SWEATING AND SHOUTING AFTER THE STREAKER)
Can we have the air-con on Col?! My mac is sticking to my ass hair!

HE SHUFFLES OFF AFTER THE STREAKER LEAVING THE ROOM STANDING IN SHOCK. ONE SIDE OF THE BANNER BECOMES LOOSE AND FLOPS OVER THE SISTER'S HEAD. IT NOW RESEMBLES A MASSIVE DONG.

SISTER
Bollocks.

END.

A STAR IS PORN

Shop, enter IRATE CUSTOMER.

SHOP ASSISTANT: Can I help you Sir?

CUSTOMER: Listen I bought this Christina Aguilera DVD for my daughter's

birthday and I'm disgusted. I mean the sado-masochistic imagery, the

obscene lyrics, the pornographic choreography - where is it all?

CUSTOMER: I'm sorry Sir, I'll get you a dirty one straight away.

LIVING ROOM. DAY

A MARRIED COUPLE ARE ARGUING.

HUSBAND
I am just saying...

WIFE
This is about my mother isn't it?

HUSBAND
Well since you bring it up, yes; yes it is.

WIFE
You agreed she could stay with us.

HUSBAND
Yes I did, but I am just not sure this is the best place for her. In her condition.

WIFE
Oh, and what condition would that be?

HUSBAND
She's dead!

SHOT OPENS UP TO SHOW THE CORPSE OF AN OLD LADY SAT ON THE SOFA.

WIFE
Oh hold that against her!

HUSBAND
I know you are very close, but don't you think she would be happier in a cemetery? See I bought some brochures. Look at this one. Nice sunny aspect, beautifully tended gardens of rest. She could have her own sepulchre.

WIFE
I can't believe you would go behind my back.

HUSBAND
She could make new friends. People in her own stage of decomposition. (TO CORPSE) Couldn't you mother? You might meet some nice gentleman's remains. Someone to rattle your bones. eh?

WIFE
Don't be disgusting. That's my mother you're talking about.

HUSBAND
I just think you need to let go. Sever the apron strings.

WIFE
And when we're both at work all day who's going to look after the children?

HUSBAND
Hm, yes, there is that.

SHOT OPENS UP AGAIN. A LITTLE GIRL IS PLAYING WITH THE CORPSE. SHE HOLDS SOMETHING UP.

LITTLE GIRL
Look mum, nana's got maggots.

END.

INT
Charley is welcoming her wonderful Mother & Father into her house.

DAD
You don't want that plant pot in the way of the front door there Charley. (Dad moves it 1 millimeter to the left)
There that's better. Health & Safety & all that.

MUM
So anyway I nearly brought you a halogen cooker. It was on sale & I thought Charley would love that. She might even cook.

Charley
Nearly? Thanks for almost getting me that mum.

MUM
Your very welcome. Oooooh Filth. (Mum runs her fingers along the skirting boards of the Kitchen).

DEXTER THE CHI SAUNTERS OVER TO DAD PEES UP DADS LEG AS HE STANDS OBLIVIOUSLY, INSPECTING THE SKIRTING BOARDS.

CHARLEY
(Holds in the need to tell her dad)
How was the drive down from Norfolk?

DAD
Your mother forgot her purse when we got on the motorway so we had to turn back. Then she forgot her glasses which after several hours of searching we found on the top of her head & as usual she smelt burning all the way here. We had to stop three times, pop up the bonnet just to prove to her the engine wasnt on fire.

MUM
Dad played Elvis gospel music for 3 hours solid. I thought I was at my own funeral, what with the choir & the burning smell.

CHARLEY
Are you guys hungry, bacon sandwhich or something?

MUM
No dear we can't possible eat here with those filthy skirting boards.

CHARLEY
Well I would put them on a plate.

DAD
We will have a cup of tea. (Takes out two of his own mugs from his rucksack)

MUM
Oh before I forget. We were in this camera shop & we saw that zoom zoom lens you were after. I think it went up to 200 miles & we thought Oooooh Charley really really wants that for her new fancy digital doo dah. £235 they wanted for it. (Goes in her rucksack)We nearly got it Pulls something out of her rucksack) but brought this book on How clean is your house instead.

Charley
Thanks for nearly getting me a 200 mile zoom zoom lens which by the way is almost as long as Norfolk to here & cheers for a book I will never read.

DAD
(Ruffles Charley's hair, then wipes his hands on his trousers) Your welcome dear.

MUM
Where are my grandsons have they been to prison yet.

CHARLEY
No mum they have never been to prison.

DAD
What is that stench. (Sniffs the air)I smell urine.

CHARLEY
(Secret smile on her face)Sorry dad I can't smell anything.

DAD
Gosh it is a putrid smell of wee. (Starts to wander around the house sniffing to find the smell)

MUM FOLLOWS DAD.

MUM
Pete its you. You smell of urine. Have you wet your very own pants.

DAD
Brenda I am not intercontinental. I would never peep in my own pants. I tell you woman it is not I (SLAMS HIS FIST TO HIS CHEST)that smells of urine.

MUM
(Whispers to charley) We are going to have to go dear your father has messed his trousers.

CHARLEY
(Feigns shock) But I was so looking forward to making a roast for my family.

MUM
Sorry Dear but the last time we ate here I gagged for days on that dog hair soup. Come on Pete lets get you to my mothers house. You can change your trousers there.

DAD
When are you coming up to us. It will be like a Spa holiday for you. You can eat off plates & drink from cups and everything. It will be a nice civilised break for you. Bring the borstal boys too.

CHARLEY
I may nearly come up next month.

END

EXT DAY, SUBURBIA

A YOUNG COUPLE, SAM AND HANNAH, NERVOUSLY STAND OUTSIDE A HOUSE.

HANNAH:
So, if your parents act weird again, the engagement's off, ok?

SAM:
Fine but they like you so fingers crossed eh?

CLOSE UP OF THE COUPLE CROSSING THEIR FINGERS. CUT TO MUM, INSIDE THE HOUSE, LOOKING THROUGH THE SPYHOLE. MUM LOOKS LIKE AN AGED FLORENCE (FROM FLORENCE AND THE MACHINE) ON STILTS.
SHE OPENS THE DOOR AND CROSSES HER FINGERS, THEN STICKS THEM UP HANNAH'S NOSE, TWISTING HER CROSSED FINGERS UNTIL HANNAH SCREAMS.

MUM:
Fingers crossed eh? Ooh, who wants some jam?

HANNAH:
Er, ok, thanks.

MUM THROWS A JAR OF JAM AT HANNAH AND IT BOUNCES OFF HER HEAD, MAKING HER WINCE.
SCREAMING CAN BE HEARD FROM THE KITCHEN.

SAM:
Dad, what's wrong?

DAD:
I bet that hurt!

DAD IS WEARING A BEEKEEPER'S HAT AND A THONG AND IS FLAMBE-ING SOME ORANGES.

SAM:
Dad, why are you wearing that?

DAD:
The hat protects me from orange pith.

SAM:
And the thong?

DAD:
I don't want to set me bollocks on fire. Hey Hannah, do you want to marry my son. Clue, the answer is 'yes'.

HANNAH LOOKS CONFUSED.

HANNAH:
Er, yes.

FADE. CAPTION: ONE YEAR LATER. HANNAH IS TRYING TO CARVE A LARGE CHICKEN.

SAM:
Just goin the boozah, warm that up for me when I get back, there's a good girl.

HANNAH LOOKS AT THE CAMERA.

MUM:
Hannah, you don't mind if me and your father in law play wee-wee tennis do you?

HANNAH:
Whatever.

HANNAH MAINTAINS HER BLANK GAZE AT THE CAMERA. URINE CAN BE SEEN TO BE FIRED ACROSS THE TABLE, OFF CAMERA. MUCH OF IT LANDS ON THE CHICKEN OR ON HANNAH. HANNAH SCREAMS LOUDLY.

FADE TO BLACK.

INT. SHABBY ROOM. DAY.

A MAN (ALAN) IS TIED TO A HARD BACKED CHAIR. ANOTHER MAN (WILL) IS INTERROGATING HIM.

WILL:
If you confess I'll let you go and no harm will come to you, I promise.

ALAN:
I'm not confessing to something I didn't do. I'm not afraid.

WILL:
Maybe you're right. Maybe you don't fear pain for yourself, but what about your loved ones?

THE DOOR OPENS AND A BOY (TOM) IS PUSHED INTO THE ROOM.

ALAN:
You bastard, dragging my son into this. Don't worry Tom. Everything will be ok.

WILL:
Now Tom, come over here would you?

TOM WALKS OVER TO WILL, SCUFFING HIS FEET AS HE DOES SO. ALAN GRIPS THE CHAIR IN DISTRESS.

ALAN:
Aaargh! Pick your feet up when you walk. Those trainers cost a fortune, you'll wear them down.

WILL:
My my Tom, looks like you've got a bit of a cold. Here.

WILL HANDS TOM A TISSUE. TOM SNIFFS LOUDLY. ALAN CONVULSES WITH PAIN.

ALAN:
Urgh! Don't sniff, use your tissue. If you keep sniffing you'll never get rid of your cold. Blow your nose.

WILL:
Just admit what you done and all this will stop.

ALAN:
No. The truth has to stand for something in this world. You can be strong can't you Tom? Strong for daddy?

WILL:
Just to show you I'm not a complete monster I got him a little present.

WILL HANDS A PERSONAL STEREO TO TOM. TOM TAKES IT AND PUTS THE EARPHONES IN.

SFX: TINNY SOUND OF LOUD MUSIC COMING FROM THE EARPHONES.

ALAN:
Urgh, argh, You'll make yourself deaf. Is that what you want? You can't possibly need it that loud.

TOM:
Uh?

ALAN:
I said you can't poss...Ok ok, I'll confess, I'll say anything just let him be.

WILL:
I knew you'd come round. Now tell me what I want to hear.

ALAN:
Okay okay. It was me. It was me who put your Action Man in the toaster.

WILL:
I knew it. Finally, after all these years.

ALAN:
You've got what you want now let the boy go.

WILL:
As you wish. Tom? You can stop it now.

TOM:
Uh?

WILL PULLS OUT THE EARPHONES FROM TOM'S EARS.

WILL:
That's all for now, thank you Tom. But please keep the gift.

TOM:
Wow cheers uncle Will.

TOM LEAVES THE ROOM.

ALAN:
You wait until mother hears about this.

END.

EXT. JUNGLE

WE SEE A BOY (15) BLEEDING AND INJURED. HOLDING A SPEAR. THERE IS A CARCASS OF A LION BESIDE HIM.

FATHER
Ma baow com sobig
Subtitles : My son. Today you become man.

THE SON BOWS TO HIS FATHER

FATHER
Sa ba latay so so Chi alah.
Subtitles : Okay, the time has now come my son. Prepare yourself for your greatest challenge!

A MAN BRINGS OUT A SMALL CAULDRON, COVERED BY A LAYER OF MATERIAL. WE HEAR HISSING OF SNAKES FROM WITHIN.

AN ERUPTION OF DRUMS AND CHANTING BEGINS.

THE SON INSERTS BOTH HANDS INTO THE CAULDRON. ANGUISH FILLS HIS FACE. TARANTULAS AND SCORPIONS CRAWL UP HIS ARM - STINGING REPEATEDLY.

SUDDENLY THE DRUMS AND CHANTING STOP. THE SON SLOWLY LOOKS TO THE SKY BEFORE THROWING HIS HANDS IN THE AIR

FATHER
Sha lala WUBIX!!!

WE SEE THE SON IS HOLDING UP A COMPLETED RUBIX CUBE

A CHORUS OF HAPPY CHANTING AND DRUMS BEGIN PLAYING

Ok, I've finished messing with mine now. :D If people would be kind enough to read it again, before voting (for me obviously), it would be appreciated. Thanks.

INT. HOUSE

A MIDDLE AGED COUPLE ARE SAT ON THE SOFA. WE HEAR A BED CREAKING RHYTHIMICALLY UPSTAIRS WHICH BECOMES INCREASINGLY LOUDER.
THE MAN TURNS THE TV UP BUT YOU CAN STILL HEAR THE COUPLE GETTING LOUDER.

MAN

I'm sick of this, they should have a little more respect for the rest of the family.

CUT TO TWO YOUNG CHILDREN SAT CRYING AS THEY LISTEN. THE MAN JUMPS FROM HIS SEAT

MAN

If it wasn't for me he wouldn't have this bloody roof over his head in the first place.

WIFE LOOKS UP AND NODS. SHE LOOKS SAD AND DISITANT

MAN

He knows the rules about this, while they are under my roof

WOMAN INTERRUPTS

WOMAN

They have been together a long time now

MAN

He shouldn't be interested in that sort of thing at his age, he should be out with his mates, bowling or going to the cinema. He shouldn't even be thinking of women sexually.

WOMAN

Everyone has needs darling (WHISPERS) I should know.

MAN

It just doesn't seem right, It seems like only yesterday we were feeding him his dinner, pushing him round the park, changing his sheets when he wet the bed.

WOMAN

That was yesterday

AN OLD MAN WALKS IN TO THE ROOM

OLD MAN

Alright son

HE RUFFLES THE MANS HAIR, AND THEN WALKS OVER TO THE KIDS

OLD MAN

Grandma's just having a little lie down. Now who wants to come to the toy shop.

HE WHISPERS TO THEIR MUM AND DAD

Johnny's going to need a new lightsaber.

EXT. HIGH STREET.DAY

A VERY PREGNANT LADY IN A MATERNITY DRESS IS WALKING DOWN THE STREET WHEN SHE SPOTS A MAN SHE VAGUELY KNOWS WALKING TOWARDS HER

MAN
Hello there!

WOMAN
Hello, how are you?

MAN
I'm well thanks how are you?

WOMAN
Coping, just about!

SHE GLANCES DOWN AT HER BULGING STOMACH

MAN
When are you due?

WOMAN
On the fifteenth

MAN
Wow, not long

THE MAN GLANCES DOWN AND PUTS HIS HAND OUT A LITTLE

MAN
Can I have a feel?

WOMAN (LAUGHING)
Of course

THE MAN PUTS HIS HAND ON ONE OF HER BREASTS AND STARTS SQUEEZING IT

MAN
Lovely!

WIFE VO from kitchen

Darling do you want ham, beef or chicken for dinner?

HUSBAND [in lounge, bemused]

Oh, I'll have ham love!

WIFE

I was talking to the f**king dog

INT: VIP BOX AT FOOTBALL STADIUM.

DAVE:Paul? Paul Baumgartner? It's been ages. How's the family?

PAUL:Great! In fact, you'll see 'junior' in action in a minute.

DAVE:In the Youth squad?

PAUL:No, no. The First team.

DAVE:<UNCONVINCED>Okay? <BEAT> It's just, with my Jamie 'being' one the First team players, I 'think' I might have remembered a Paul Baumgartner.

PAUL:Ah!

DAVE:Ah?

PAUL:Paul-Ah, Paula, Paula Baumgartner, my daughter!

DAVE:<SHOCKED>Jesus! I'm sorry Paul. I'd heard about these Women's teams, but I didn't believe it.

PAUL:Oh no, she's not lesbian. She's a cheerleader.

ENTER PAULA WITH HER CHEERLEADER SQUAD, THEY ARE WAVING THEIR POMPOMS.

PAUL LOOKS ON WITH PRIDE.

THE CHEERLEADERS DO THE SPLITS AND HIGH KICKS.

DAVE WHOOPS WITH EXCITEMENT.

PAUL NOTICES DAVE IS REALLY ENJOYING THE SHOW.

PAUL: <shaking fists in anger at PAULA> Why aren't you a BOY?!

[this is my NJ fail on another thread - but Family, eh]

"Tajikistan President's daughter"

Intro: "It's not unusual for a child looking for work experience to ask their parent to pull a few strings, but in a bizarre twist on "Take your daughter to work day" the President of Tajikistan has secured a summer placement for his teenage daughter as the news anchor on state run television - where presumably she delivered the news by text and was, like, oh my god, totally awesome.

President: Well, Zarina, my princess. How was your first day at the TV station?

Daughter: Papa, it went very well. The news was very good.

President: Yes, I know. I wrote it.

Daughter: Oh. I thought that is what they did in "make up". For top story, I reported triumphant victory of glorious Tajikistan football team in World Cup.

President: Ah yes, when we defeated North Korea in the Final. [scoffing] I would like to see if North Koreans report news so!

Daughter: I also reported our continuing excellent progress in recovering economy, after botched mismanagement of previous dictatorship.

President: Yes - under previous regime unemployment was a problem for many, many families. And now, I look at my family and every one has achieved employment, mostly as high ranking officials. But people would not believe the appalling condition of economy when I took over presidency, 20 years ago. This is why I set up Independent Budget Commission to prove so.

Daughter: Yes, father. The Commissioner has nearly finished his report - but mother says first he must eat up his dinner and be tidying up bedroom.

President: [Teasing] And is it true what your little brother Yurgi has told me that you have a crush on other newsreader?

Daughter [shy and giggling]: Oh papa. Yurgi is always such a tell tale.

President: Da. That is why he is Head of Noble Secret Police - your diary has been confiscated and newsreader is now arrested. Do you know where your brother is now?

Daughter: Yes. He is helping little Sasha - they are playing with Sasha's train set.

President: Ah yes - and the nation will rejoice when he makes trains run on time. Is your sister at home also? I would like to know if she has yet tried the outfit I gave to her?

Daughter: Which outfit is that?

President: Party of the Opposition - I sent them to her at Department of Justice for her to provide fair trial as Head of Supreme Court.
So you like the new job at TV station. But you look a little sad?

Daughter: This week is very sad for Tajikistan Broadcasting Corporation. Number one talk show host Jonatan Rosski has defected to the other side. We have no one to replace his off wall manner and comic stylings, which have made him treasure to the nation.

President: That is not to worry, Zarina. Next week Yurgi starts new show "Friday Night with the Yurgi" - I am sure he will be able to make people talk.

Daughter: Da. And in his files he already has Andrew Sachs' phone number.