Good stuff as usual and congratulats to KASM for winnin'! Enjoy, have 10 points and PM me for next week's subject please...
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

3 - 10 - Kasm
2 - 5 - Gerry McDonnell, Otterfox
1 - 1 - Chris Forshaw

Your new subject: DISGUISE (chosen by Craig H)
Rules:
One entry per person. Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 2.7.10

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

139 - Mr Sunshine
123 - Cool Mikado
117 - Otterfox
112 - Chris Forshaw
103 - Frankie
99 - Nigel Kelly
98 - Kasm
98 - Fred Peters
90 - Michael Monkhouse
82 - Charley Rance
79 - Timbo
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
54 - Scratchyr
51 - Angiebaby
42 - Gerry McDonnell
35 - Afinkawan
32 - Swerytd
32 - Paul Watson
28 - Leevil
27 - Alex Mahon
22 - Craig H
22 - Blobster
21 - Mikey J
26 - David Chapman
20 - James Harris
20 - Blobster
20 - Roscoff
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Bushbaby
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
12 - Geoff Mutton
12 - Badge
12 - Will Cam
11 - Steven
10 - Robo
10 - Nitram Skir
10 - Socrates
10 - Tom Campbell
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O
07 - James
07 - garyd
07 - Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
06 - John Kelly
06 - Andrew Lynch
05 - Karlos the Great
05 - Nil Putters
05 - Drew
05 - Pedros
05 - Summer G
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Stephen Birch
02 - Stu R
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Ming The Mirthless
01 - Minty
01 - Shpadoinkle
01 - Shaggy292
01 - amillionpounds
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a tinker's cuss, so PM me. Thanks...

INT: SPIDERMANS HOUSE
SPIDEY IS SITTING ROUND A TABLE WITH SUPERMAN
THERE ARE A SELECTION OF COMIC BOOKS ON THE TABLE AND THEY ARE EACH FLICKING THROUGH A COPY

Spiderman:
When I heard that they were chronicling all our adventures I was quite flattered. But these go too far, they even reveal our secret identities for crying out loud.

Superman:
After all we have done for these people and they go and pull a stunt like this.
I mean how could they..

Spiderman:
I can't make any Spidey sense of it.

Spiderman:
Still. I've never been sure why you need a secret Indentity anyway. You're not even human.

Superman:
I just do, Ok.

Spiderman:
Yes but surely ...

Superman:
Just leave it will you.

A BIG YELLOW STAR FLASHES UP IN WITH THE WORDS KNOCK KNOCK WRITTEN IN IT

Spiderman:
That'll be Batman & Robin, I'll just get the door.

SPIDEY OPENS THE DOOR AND BATMAN & ROBIN ENTER AND SIT DOWN

Superman:
Hi Guys, I was expecting you to come through the window.

Batman:
We do prefer to climb up the side of the building but it takes so long to get the starch out of our capes afterwards that it hardly seems worth it.

Superman:
So you've heard the bad news ?

Robin:
(pounding fist into hand) Holy exposure!

Batman:
Now come on Robin old Chum, this doesn't have to change anything.

ROBIN PUTS HIS HAND ON BATMANS KNEE, BATMAN REMOVES IT LOOKING A BIT EMBARASSED

Superman:
You don't understand. Without our secret identities, we cannot continue to fight the age old war of good against evil.

Batman:
But Superman, surely you don't even need a secret Identity?

Superman:
Don't you start!

A LOUD CRASHING SOUND IS HEARD AND A GREEN FIST CAN BE SEEN POKING THROUGH THE DOOR

Spidey(Sighs)
Come in Hulk, I've told you already there's no need to knock.

Hulk:
Grrr - Sorry Spidey.

Spiderman:
Did you get my message?

Hulk:
Yes Grrr, Hulk no like, it make me slightly peeved .

Superman:
Anger management working then Hulk ?

Hulk:
No Hulk still angry, me just try to call it something else.

Spiderman:
There's nothing else for it ,We'll just have to leave crimefighting to the heroes who don't need secret identities, like, I don't know, the Fantastic Four for example.

Batman:
Oh not the bloody fantastic four.

Robin(putting on a whiny voice)
Ooh look at us we're the Fantastic four, we're fantastic we are.

Superman:
Yeah Spidey It's always about the fantastic four with you I think your obsessed
Ever since you went on a few dates with the Invisible Woman.

Spiderman:
Well I'm not seeing her anymore.

Robin:
Holy MouldyOldy!

Hulk:
Hulk agree with Superman, we don't need secret Identities.

Superman:
I never said that !

Spiderman:
Forget crimefighting , from now on we should just use our superpowers for impressing girls , or just having a laugh.

Hulk:
And picking up heavy things.

Spiderman:
Yes Hulk & picking up heavy things.

Superman:
Hold on I have a plan. We could all swap costumes with one another, that would put these Comic books off the scent while maintaining our secret indentities kind of.

Spiderman:
It's so audacious & pointless that it just might work.

Hulk:
This plan make Hulk angry - in a good way.

Spiderman: (TO BATMAN & ROBIN)
What about you two are you in?

ROBIN WHISPERS SOMETHING IN BATMANS EAR.

Batman:
As long as Robin gets to swap with Wonder Woman.

END

TRICK OR TREAT

SCENE 1 - INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. A MAN (GEORGE, 17, DRESSED AS A BANANA) BARGES THROUGH THE MANY PARTYGOERS INSIDE THE HOUSE AND OPENS THE DOOR.

GEORGE
What the f**k Dave? that's uncanny. You look just like Robert Pattinson.

EVERY GIRL IN THE HOUSE TURNS ROUND TO LOOK

WE SEE DAVE IS IN FACT HARRY POTTER

DAVE
Oh, Ha Ha.

GEORGE
Where's Elvis?

DAVE
He's nipped to the offies for some booze.

GEORGE
Pete?

DAVE
Went with him. Is Al not here?

GEORGE
You know Al. Always late

30 MINUTES LATER

GEORGE & DAVE ARE STEAMINGLY DRUNK

GEORGE
Where the f**k are they?

DAVE
I dunno. Probably knobbing each other like racoons.

GEORGE
It's rabbits, you tool.

DAVE
Eh?

GEORGE
Never mind. Let's go get them.

GEORGE AND DAVE HEAD OFF TO FIND ELVIS AND PETE

SCENE 2 - INT. OFF LICENSE

GEORGE AND DAVE ENTER

SHOPKEEPER
Quick! Run! Get out!

GEORGE AND DAVE LOOK AT EACH OTHER

SHOPKEEPER (pointing at a teenager dressed as The Mask, and is holding a gun)
He's got a gun!

ELVIS (in mask voice)
It's a tommy gun!

GEORGE
Is that...is that Elvis?

DAVE
Yes

GEORGE
Elvis. What the f**k are you doing?

ELVIS
I dunno. I just came in. The guy put his hands up and said "take all the money, just don't hurt me". I just kind of went along with it.

GEORGE
What!? are you f**king mental? it's supposed to be a balloon for a start, not a real bloody gun!

ELVIS
IT'S NOT A REAL BLOODY GUN SMART ARSE! It just looks real. Christ George you're such a stress-merchant.

DAVE AND GEORGE LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN DISBELIEF.

PETE POPS UP DRESSED AS DRACULA

GEORGE
Pete. That's uncanny. You look just like Robert Pattinson!

PETE (throwing a huge bag of money over his shoulder)
RUUUUUUUUUN!!!!

ALL FOUR OF THE BOYS RUN OUT THE SHOP

SCENE 3 - EXT. STREET - NIGHT

WE SEE GEORGE (DRESSED AS A BANANA), DAVE (DRESSED AS HARRY POTTER) ELVIS (DRESSED AS THE MASK) AND PETE (DRESSED AS DRACULA) RUNNING DOWN THE STREET

WE HEAR A BLARING OF SIRENS AS THE POLICE FIRE DOWN THE HILL AFTER THE BOYS.

SCENE 4 - EXT - STREET

THE POLICE HAVE PULLED THE BOYS OVER FOR QUESTIONING

POLICEMAN
We're looking for four guys who've just robbed an off license.

ELVIS
Seriously?

THE OTHER 3 LOOK AT ELVIS IN DISBELIEF

POLICEMAN
Yes. The shopkeeper got a clear description.

PETE
He did?

POLICEMAN
Yip. One was dressed as a banana, one was dressed as The Mask, one was dressed as Harry Potter and the other one was dressed as Robert Pattinson.

POLICEMAN 2
So, if you guys see anything suspicious be sure to give us a call. Enjoy the rest of your evening.

THE BOYS WALK OFF GINGERLY. PETE DROPS THE BAG WITH ALL THE MONEY IN IT. THERE IS THOUSANDS OF NOTES AND CASH ALL OVER THE PAVEMENT. THE BOYS FREEZE.

THE POLICEMEN WALK OVER AND BEGIN REFILLING THE BAG.

POLICEMAN (at policeman 2, shaking his head)
To think Steve, all we got was apples and monkey nuts eh?

THE POLICEMAN HANDS THE BAG BACK TO PETE

THE BOYS CAN'T BELIEVE THEIR LUCK AND TODDLE OFF

DAVE
Oh..My..God. How close was that?

WE HEAR A DRUNKEN SHOUT IN THE DISTANCE

AL
You guys!!!!!!!!

DAVE
Is that Al?

GEORGE
Oh...yes

AL
You guys!! Guess who I'm supposed to be?

AS AL GETS CLOSER, WE SEE HE'S DRESSED UP AS ROBERT PATTINSON

END

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

ROB HAS ARRIVED HOME FROM WORK. HIS BLONDE GIRLFRIEND IS THERE TO GREET HIM.

TRACY:
Hey baby, happy anniversary.

ROB:
Anniversary?

TRACY:
We've been going out for 12 months now Rob, don't say you forgot.

ROB:
Of course I didn't, happy anniversary darling.

TRACY:
Your gift's on the mantelpiece.

ROB OPENS AN ENVELOPE

ROB:
Tickets for the derby game, these are great. Thanks love.

AN AWKWARD SILENCE FOLLOWS

ROB:
I've got you a gift too. Remember when you said that you wanted a pet to keep you company?

TRACY (excited):
Yes.

ROB:
Well I nipped to the pet shop during my lunch hour to get one.

TRACY (excited):
Oh great. What is it?

ROB:
Here, look.

ROB DROPS HIS TROUSERS AND PANTS AND PLACES HIS PENIS ON THE TABLE.

ROB:
It's a Peruvian Miniature Chameleon. It's the coolest pet in the world right now.

TRACY:
I can only see your penis.

ROB:
That's because it's camouflaged itself. It can disguise itself completely apparently; something to do with protecting itself from predators.

TRACY:
That's cool. Why's it living on your penis?

ROB:
It appears a strange habitat, I'll grant you. But it's quite the norm in Peru.

TRACY:
Thanks very much Rob, I love it.

ROB:
There are a few rules though Trace, it's still a baby and needs to be cared for. It's originally from the Peruvian Rain Forest, so we need to periodically place it in a warm and wet place.

TRACY (sexily):
I know just the thing.

TRACY WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN AND RETURNS WITH A KETTLE.

BATMAN AND ROBIN, SUPERMAN, AND SPIDERMAN ARE SITTING AROUND A TABLE AT A BAR CALLED SUPERHEROES. THERE'S NOBODY ELSE THERE EXCEPT THE BARMAN. THEN A FAT MAN DRESSED AS AN ELEPHANT WITH A BIG 'E' ACROSS HIS CHEST ENTERS, AND DRAWS UP A CHAIR.

ROBIN:
(slams fist into hand) Listen ducky. This is for real superheroes. Not fat folk in fancy dress. Isn't that right Batman?

BATMAN:
That's right, darling...I mean Robin.

ROBIN:
So E Man why don't you piss off back to the zoo where you belong.

ELEPHANT MAN:
I've got as much right as you lot to be here.

SUPERMAN:
Yeah? Have you saved the planet from colliding with asteroids? Protected it against the evil Lex Luther and very nasty people on Kryptonite who survived the planet's explosion?

SPIDERMAN:
Or saved people from the Green Goblin, Doctor Octopus etc. etc.

BATMAN AND ROBIN:
Or The Penguin, Joker, Riddler. Beat that fatso.

ROBIN:
(scoffs) How can a fat git like you be a superhero? I mean, how many fatsos do you know go around saving people?

ELEPHANT MAN:
That's because nobody gives us a chance. Besides, everybody loves elephants. For a start we don't wear tights. And nobody likes bats and spiders or men with strange haircuts who wear tights..

ALL THE SUPERHEROES TURN TO ELEPHANT MAN.

SUPERMAN:
Nothing wrong with tights. If you wanna be a superhero, you've got to wear tights.

ELEPHANT MAN:
You all look like a bunch of poofs.

THE SUPERHEROES EXCHANGE GLANCES.

SUPERMAN:
I'll have you know I'm as macho as they come.

ELEPHANT MAN:
Yeah? Have you ever had a girlfriend?

SUPERMAN:
Duh-uh! I've got Lois Lane.

ELEPHANT MAN:
But she's just a friend. Have you ever...you know?

SUPERMAN:
We're taking things slowly.

ELEPHANT MAN:
Any slower and you'll be humping her corpse. Go on, admit it. None of you have ever had a girlfriend. Except Batman. (Elephant Man winks at Robin)

SPIDERMAN:
And I'm taking it easy as well. So, Fat man. What's your superhero credentials?

ELEPHANT MAN:
I saved a woman from a dog bite today.

THE SUPERHEROES BURST OUT LAUGHING.

SPIDERMAN:
(pointing at Elephant Man) Hey, did you hear that? Oh, that's hilarious. What kind of dog was it?

ELEPHANT MAN:
A chihuahua.

THE SUPERHEROES BURST OUT LAUGHING AGAIN. JUST THEN THEY SEE A CHIHUAHUA ENTER.

BATMAN:
Oh, help me Robin. It's the evil chihuahua. Hahaha!

ELEPHANT MAN:
I'll save you. I'll boot it's arse. It'll soon run away.

BATMAN STICKS HIS ARM OUT.

BATMAN:
Here mutt. Chew on that.

ELEPHANT MAN:
Don't. It's...

BATMAN GRABS THE DOG BY THE SCRUFF OF ITS NECK. THE DOG BITES HIM. THE OTHER SUPERHEROES DO LIKEWISE AND IT BITES THEM.

ROBIN:
See Elephant Man. We don't need saving. So you're useless.

ELEPHANT MAN STANDS UP.

ELEPHANT MAN:
I'm going to be busy with all you gone.

THE SUPERHEROES FROWN.

ELEPHANT MAN:
The mutt's got aids. Bye suckers.

THE SUPERHEROES RUSH PAST HIM AND FIGHT TO GET OUT THE DOOR

Disguising the Truth
What People Say and What They Actually Mean

You're a great guy. (No way would I shag that.)
I'm sorry. (So what if I had sex with your mother, she's not pregnant or anything.)
Okay, fine. (Not f---ing okay or fine at all.)
She's not conventionally attractive. (I'd shag her but don't want you to think I'm weird or anything.)
The Italian economy will be back on its feet soon, I promise. (What do I care, I got a villa and an underage girlfriend, you'd smile like this if you were having intercourse with someone a quarter your age, stop whining and peese orf.)
Not the winning but the participation. (That stooped ref, get some glasses you blind bugger.)
What a wayward child. (My cat will never walk again.)
I don't want to say this. (Insert whatever you want to say.)
Such lovely wedding photos. (Stop showing off you snobby cow, if I had that much money I'd feed Africa with it.)
I never even noticed her. (Look at the bangers on that, a guy could die in there but at least I'd die happy.)
This product will change your life. (Just buy it you gullible twix, the human race's done perfectly well without mobile tweeting for billions of years and you won't have any real friends anyway but I'm on commission.)

INT. COURTROOM

DEFENCE BARRISTER (GESTURING)
...and after chasing the hoodlum who had snatched this young lady's handbag and retrieving the said bag, discarded by the thief, you were leapt upon by 'The Streaker', Mr Wilkes?

MR WILKES
Yes.

DEFENCE BARRISTER (TO THE JURY MORE THAN ANYTHING)
And did he at any time read you your rights, or explain what was happening?

MR WILKES (LOOKING SHEEPISH)
No sir, he just.. just.. sat on me, quipping.

DEFENCE BARRISTER
Quite. Your honour, I move that this case be thrown out! My client's.. (HE QUIETLY CONFERS WITH HIS MR WILKES) rights have been violated!! The defence rests.

JUDGE (LOOKING AT THE PROSECUTION BARRISTER)
Mr Carlisle...?

BEHIND HIS DESK, MR CARLISLE SITS IN A WIG, GLASSES AND RED TIE. APART FROM THAT, HE IS NAKED.

MR CARLISLE
The prosecution calls... The Streaker!!

HE SPINS QUICKLY AROUND TO POINT AT THE DOOR AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM. THE WHOLE OF THE COURTROOM FOLLOWS HIS FINGER AND STARES INTENTLY AT THE DOOR.

AS THEY LOOK MR CARLISLE WHIPS OFF HIS GLASSES AND WIG AND STEPS OUT FROM BEHIND THE DESK.

THE STREAKER
Soooo Mr Bagsnatcher...

THE ENTIRE ROOM WHIPS BACK AROUND AS ONE. APART FROM A QUIET SOLITARY VOICE, GASPS FILL THE AIR.

VOICE IN THE CROWD
That's the same guy...

DEFENCE BARRISTER
Objection your honour!

JUDGE
Sustained. The jury will disregard The Streaker's comment.

THE STREAKER WALKS SLOWLY UP AND DOWN IN FRONT OF THE JURY. HE LEANS AGAINST THE RAIL FOR A MOMENT AND WINKS AT A WOMAN IN HER 60s WHO NERVOUSLY SMILES BACK. HE DROPS HIS PEN AND SLOWLY BENDS TO PICK IT UP. PLACING THE PEN TO HIS LIPS, AND LOOKING COYLY OVER HIS SHOULDER, HE POINTS HIS HAIRY POSTERIOR AT THE DEFENDANT WHO RECOILS A LITTLE. STILL SMILING AT THE OLD WOMAN THE STREAKER QUICKLY TIGHTENS HIS BUNS MAKING THEM TWITCH AGGRESSIVELY.

MR WILKES (TRYING TO SCALE THE WALLS OF THE DOCK AND CRYING A LITTLE)
Ok, it was me! I stole the bag!! Just get that thing away from me!

JUDGE
Ok.. take him away please.

GUARDS TAKE THE BAG SNATCHER INTO CUSTODY AS THE STREAKER TURNS, HANDS IN THE AIR, TO AN OVATION FROM THE PUBLIC GALLERY. HE MAKES HIS WAY BACK TO THE DESK, DROPPING HIS PEN UNDER IT AS HE SITS DOWN. HE DISAPPEARS BELOW IT FOR A SECOND AND RETURNS WITH WIG AND GLASSES REPLACED.

VOICE IN THE CROWD (AGAIN)
Are you all blind?!

END

FANCY DRESS PARTY:

Wearing just a pirate's hat a naked man walks up to a front door and rings
the bell.

The door is opened by Pope-a-like. The Pope-a-like looks at the naked man
and says what or who the f**k are you supposed to be?

The Man: A Pirate!

The Pope-a-like: If you're a pirate where's your buccaneers?

The Man: Under me buckin' hat!

INT. DAILY PLANET NEWSROOM. DAY

EDITOR AND STAFF ARE GROUPED AROUND THE MORNING'S PAPER ADMIRING THEIR WORK.

EDITOR
Great job, kids. Now, the new owner's dropping in to meet and greet soon. Can't promise pay rises all round, but the little foreign fella has obviously bought into the paper to share its success.

DOOR SUDDENLY BURSTS OPEN AND RUPERT MURDCH STOMPS IN.

RUPERT
Right. I own the place now, so clear your desks and get lost the lot of yas.

STUNNED SILENCE

EDITOR
What? You... you can't... this is the cream of this great city's investigative journalists!

RUPERT
Is that right, ya f**k muppet? (HE LOOKS AROUND BEFORE SHOUTING AT CLARK KENT) You - the big clacker, there - take ya specks off!

EVERYONE LOOKS OVER AT CLARK WHO STANDS UNCERTAINLY.

RUPERT
Now! Ya arse monkey.

THE EDITOR INDICATES THAT CLARK SHOULD DO AS HE'S TOLD. THE WHOLE OFFICE GASPS IN UNISON AS HE REMOVES HIS GLASSES.

EDITOR (SHOCKED)
Superman!

RUPERT
Investigative journalists, my cock! Now clear off home. Oh, and maybe take a good look at your family when you get there. Your aunt Mabel could just be Bin Laden cunningly disguised behind a pair of false eyelashes.

THE STUNNED STAFF BEGIN TO TIDY THEIR DESKS AND TROOP OUT

RUPERT (TO CLARK)
Oi, shark biscuit. Find a way to combine your X-ray vision with photography and I maybe be able to use you to take a few celeb exposés for page 3!

END

EXT: CLOUDS, BLUE SKIES. A MAN (DAN) AND GANESH ARE STANDING OPPOSITE EACH OTHER.

DAN: I must admit, I was expecting someone less 'Blue'

GANESH: Less 'Blue' than you?

DAN: I bled to death.... what's your excuse?

GANESH: I am Ganesh, your God.

DAN: I'm not Hindu.

GANESH: Oh no, Not again!

GANESH ANGRILY SHAKES 4 FISTS AT THE SKY.

GANESH (CONTD): Those bloody Agnostic temps....No attention to detail.

GANESH PULLS OUT A CLIPBOARD WITH ONE HAND, A PEN WITH ANOTHER, PULLS ON HIS EAR WITH ANOTHER, WHILST SCRATCHING HIS TRUNK WITH YET ANOTHER HAND.

GANESH (CONTD): Ok, let's sort out your records then....Religion?

DAN: Jedi.

GANESH: Awww, what?

DAN: I'm sorry. Is my religion inconvenient to you?

GANESH: No, it's just this, <GESTURES WITH ALL 4 ARMS> took me 5 hours in make-up, but it's your call...

GANESH STARTS TO PULL OFF EXTRA ARMS.

DAN: Hold on! Are you saying the Afterlife is made up?

GANESH: It's as real as you want it to be...<ASIDE> Wardrobe, get the Green
Body Paint ready and fire up the Light Sabre!

DAN: So, I can choose which deity I want to spend eternity with?

GANESH: <ASIDE> Hold the Yoda suit guys. Just bring us the Fake Tan and Kylie Hot Pants.

DAN: <HOLDS UP GANESH'S DISCARDED ARMS> And you can put these on again....

CHIEF OF POLICE BRIEFING HIS CHARGES ON A FAILED MISSION.

CHIEF:
How could you let this happen? We were asked...warned...implored to make sure that ancient gold neck ornament was not stolen. So it goes on display at the History Museum, we get a tip-off that the 'Entity Gang' are going to try and steal it. I posted men at every conceivable exit and entrance. I even had a guy on a ladder at the 7th floor window and what happened?

SILENCE...

CHIEF:
Answer me! What happened?

O'BRIEN:
It was stolen.

CHIEF:
What!!!? It *was* stolen. Thats even worse!

O'BRIEN:
Even worse than what sir?

CHIEF:
I ask the questions around here.

ANOTHER OFFICER, LARKIN WALKS IN.

CHIEF:
Ah Larkin. Good of you to join us. What the Christ were you doing at the checkpoint!

...SILENCE...

CHIEF:
Answer me! Do you all think all my questions are rhetorical?

LARKIN:
I was observing who went in.

CHIEF: You were observing who went in...and yet you watched all 3 members of the Entity Gang walk right past you.

LARKIN:
Sir, twelves upon twelves of people went in and I still managed to study every single person. They must have been disguised.

CHIEF:
Disguised as what? Bloody...(can't think of an example)
Will you answer my rhetorical questions!! I can't stress that enough!

LARKIN:
People.

CHIEF:
The Entity Gang were disguised as people. Thank you Sherlock Holmes. What happened? Describe what you did.

CUT TO EARLIER THAT DAY. LARKIN IS AT A SECURITY DESK. IN HIS HAND HE HAS A SHEET WITH PICTURES OF ALL 3MEMBERS OF THE GANG. HE LOOKS AT THE TOUR GROUP AND SEES 3 PEOPLE THAT LOOK LIKE THE PICTURES. HE LOOKS AT THE PICTURES AGAIN TO CLARIFY AND THEN LOOKS BACK UP AT THE 3 GUYS.

ALL 3 HAVE NOW PULLED FACES. MAN1 HAS HIS BOTTOM LIP STICKING OUT, MAN2 HAS HIS NOSE SCRUNCHED UP AND MAN3 HAS PUSHED HIS CHEEKS UPWARDS.
LARKIN WAVES THEM THROUGH. WE SEE THE 3 MEN STROLLING THROUGH VARIOUS SECURITY POINTS WITHIN THE MUSEUM KEEPING THEIR FACES PULLED WALKING PAST SEVERAL GUARDS AND POLICE OFFICERS.

CHIEF PAUSES FOOTAGE.

LARKIN:
Wow! I didn't realise that was video footage. I just thought I had an extremely vivid memory.

CHIEF:
A memory like a bloody goldfish. By the time your eyes moved from the pictures to the tour you had forgotten what the bastards looked like.

How did none of you, not one of you spot them, and how could you possibly think that they actually looked like this?

SHOW PAUSED FOOTAGE AND CLOSE-UP OF THEIR 3 FACES AND ALL HAVE CLEARLY CONTORTED FACES.

CHIEF:
We know that there was a 4th member working from within because the security camera goes blank for 15 seconds and when we come back....the necklace is gone.

We have 3 suspects. All of which had access to the surveillance room but we have a strong hunch as to who it is.

SHOW 3 SUSPECTS. 2 WITH NORMAL FACES AND 1 WITH PUFFED OUT CHEEKS AND TOP LIP CURLED UP.

CHIEF IS NOW INTERROGATING PUFFED CHEEKS MAN.

CHIEF:
Okay Puff face. Where were you between 12 and 3pm today?

PUFF CHEEKS:
Is that a rhetorical question? Only I heard you talking to your officers and you seemed-

CHIEF:
Just answer the question.

PUFF CHEEKS:
I was in the monitoring room, monitoring the um...monitors.

CHIEF:
Are you being smart? Dont get smart with me. Oh and you can stop with the pulled face now. Did you notice anything unusual?

PUFF CHEEKS:
I did actually. I saw a little boy attempt to pee up against a caveman and his mother slapped his willy.

SILENCE AS THE STATEMENT HANGS IN THE AIR.

CHIEF:
Thats it Puffy! (Angrily) Why are you working with the Entity Gang?

PUFF CHEEKS:
Who?

CHIEF:
Dont play dumb with me...and fix your f**king face will you!!!

PUFF CHEEKS:
Is that a rhetorical question?

CHIEF LEAPS ACROSS THE TABLE TO ATTACK HIM. CUT TO 2 OFFICERS OUTSIDE INTERROGATION ROOM.

OFFICER 1:
I've just been running a check on this guy and he's actually not pulling that face. He got stung by loads of wasps.

SHOW CHIEF WHO HAS NOW LOST IT, PUSHING AND PULLING 'PUFFY CHEEKS' FACE DESPERATELY TRYING TO FIX IT.

CHIEF:
Flatten your cheeks! Just...let...them...go...nat..u..ral!! Unpuff you f**ker, UNPUFF!!!!!

END.

Liked Sunshine's, but Putters pips it.

Sunshine and Putters were great, but Otterfox is my fave this week.

Michael Monkhouse: a pleasing strike-rate.

Alex Mahon