Quote: Mikey Jackson @ June 23 2010, 3:55 PM BST

Thanks for the kind words about my ITV HD gag.
Admittedly, I thought it would make it onto the show (delusional, yes, I know) and was VERY disappointed when it didn't.

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Pride cometh before a fall.

Oh, yes, one of the seven deadly sins.

And I suppose I meant the concept of "as a goal might be missed, the viewer would not know the true score."
i.e. a with a 1-1 match, he'd think it's 1-0.
And...
...oh, shut up, Mike.
Okay.
Talking to yourself again?
Afraid so.

It's ok, Mikey. The Newsjack team may not be as pedantic as myself!

Mikey I would bet your joke wasn't included coz they'd already decided on the sketch - or even more painfully, they dropped it when they decided to go with the sketch.

Nah, what happens is Punt and Dennis secretly get the final word on what gets onto Newsjack, and if it looks like it's going to be funnier than The Now Show, they insist that some of the funniest bits are removed.

Well here's this weeks stinkers

George Osborne's budget has affected the middle classes so strongly.
Job Centre Plus will be renamed Job Centre Finest.

I will say one thing for that French football team.
At least they've got some strikers.

George Osbourne has cancelled the tax increase on cider.
If he starts giving away dogs on string he'll have the tramp vote sewn up.

George Osbourne has taken 800,000 of the poorest people in England out of tax.
Next budget he's hoping to take them out and shoot them.

Nick Clegg has written to every Liberal Democrat in the country who remained in the party since his coalition with the Conservatives. To warn them of the pain coming.
One reported him to the police for harassment, the other one asked to meet him on Hampstead Heath.

Government plans to ban trans fats.
Have lead to James Corden being arrested whilst playing Widow Twankee at the Leicster Hipodrome.

Sooty, are these Vox-Pops or just sort of general one-liners for Miles? They don't read very vox-poppy, if you know what I mean. Might be more successful if they're written as the 'guy in the street's' opinion. i.e.: 'I see that George Osbourne has taken the 800,000 poorest people out of tax. Next budget, he's gonna take them out completely. With a gun.' or something.

Dan

More ill-fated shenanigans from me:

I'm not surprised that they banned that Indian preacher for 'unacceptable behaviour'. You can't recommend chips with a chicken madras.

I feel bad for those handcuffed Iraqi asylum seekers who were beaten by British security officers, but they did win their second match against England 2-0.

I heard that the fan who entered the England dressing room was an on-call plumber. He was looking for an out of order shower.

I don't think John Terry made a 'big mistake'. He doesn't seem the type to go behind a team-mates' back.

England's footballers should follow the French and go on strike. Although, would anybody notice?

Ruth Langsford is going to marry Eamonn Holmes. Talk about a blushing bride.

Asda have recalled thousands of paper shredders. Customers have torn a strip out of them.

I think the Queen should have put an end to this Andy Murray bow row, by only turning up for the final.

I've just heard that Anna Kournikova and Martina Hingis are going to play at Wimbledon. I'm not an expert, but one's going to get knocked out soon.

Here's my correction offering this week. I really rather liked it. Sigh.

CORRECTION - We'd like to apologise for reporting last week that Wayne Rooney was going to be the government's new Drink Awareness spokesperson. We misunderstood when we heard that Mr. Rooney was telling people to 'Cut out the Boos'.

P.S. Liked the plumber and chicken madras ones. Not sure I understood the Eamonn Holmes Or Anna Kournikova ones though!

Gerry -- like the 'out of order shower' one very much, but all good.

Stephen -- Similarly very good. Wouldn't have been out of place -- just think it's the luck of the draw.

Here are mine:

VOX-POP:
I tell you what's a disgrace: Jack Whitehall using a twenty pound note to snort cocaine *outside* a nightclub! A fiver would have been much more austere!

VOX-POP:
They're making a film of that Nicolas Anelka's World Cup shenanigans. It's going to be called "Asterisks The Gaul".

VOX-POP:
Michael Jackson has made more than £1billion since his death a year ago. Shame. He would've been able to pay off all his debts if he'd died earlier.

VOX-POP:
That new 'One Show' host Jason Manford almost died when two of his tyres blew out in the fast lane of the M6. Christine Bleakley's BBC contract offer was mysteriously dropped very soon after. (BEAT) I'M JUST SAYING!

VOX-POP:
My employers have been urged by the TUC to let us watch England's World Cup game with Slovenia. Like working isn't punishment enough...

VOX-POP:
What a tedious, boring, dull game. A completely uneventful match with the same monotonous display. Yes, Roger Federer is back at Wimbledon again.

VOX-POP:
So, up to 20 per cent VAT, are we? Well, that's the least surprising thing that's happened since Ledley King failed to finish a football match.

CORRECTION:
Newsjack would like to apologise for calling the budget 'a bit boring'. Expectations were raised unnecessarily in the office by a misunderstanding. We were led to believe that a debut budget speech would be delivered by Ozzy Osbourne, not his brother George.

Dan

After a great first show I actually thought the show was pretty dire this week, only time I laughed was at the two Bobby Fischer jokes and they were basically the same joke. The sketches were particularly rubbish and I can't be bitter because I didn't send in any sketches.

My failures.

Trying to stop the sea turning black and wanting to spend time on the Isle of Wight. Is he the leader of BP or the BNP?

I've got no problem with fans venting their frustration at players. But FIFA might, if it's booze from Bavaria.

The Olympic games hopes to provide heroes for future generations to look up to. With that radioactive waste they've found under the Olympic stadium the London games is going to provide actual proper super heroes.

VOX POPS

I was out last Tuesday afternoon so these were submitted before the budget. Hence the out of date cider tax reference.

working class man

'I think we should 'ave a dog tax yeah? Not dogs. What do they call 'em these days? WAGS.'

upper class nitwit

'They should've reintroduced the Beard Tax. Branson. Edmunds. That'd wipe out half the national dept right there.'

teenage girl

'A cider tax. Wos that all about? I didn't vote for no cider tax. Actually. I didn't vote at all. I'm only sixteen.'

idiot

'What gives Osborne the right anyway? I thought we had a democracy in this country?'

dirty old man

'I never really fancied the States but... now they've opened that Harry Potter theme park... Can't wait. Gotta have a go on that Hermione Grainger.'

middle aged woman

'My lad was straight off to the South Bank when he heard about those five prehistoric models. But... do we really need another spice girls reunion?'

middle aged man

'No I wouldn't pay to 'ave me jeans sequenced. I've only got one pair. For weekends.'

man

'If Brown was gonna call anyone a bigot, it should've been Nick Griffin. I didn't vote for the BNP and I don't know anyone who did. And now look at the mess they're making off the coast of Mexico. They should be ashamed.'

middle aged man

'First there's no such thing as the male menopause... then there is again. I wish they'd make a decision one way or the other... I'm really struggling to keep up.'

CORRECTION

'We'd like to apologise for inadvertently causing the internet to crash last week following an item on Carla Bruni going for Samantha Cameron's fly.'

I love this thread, I just can't seem to crack News Jack.

I submitted this one-liner:

Burmese opposition leader Aung San Suu Kyi turns 65, considers retirement to spend more time around the house.

Here's a couple of failed VOX POPS:

A Volunteer in a charity groin wax almost lost his left testicle... a Brazilian ripping into the Nuts, isn't that Pele vs Maradona?

They said that plastic bags had been placed over the 'Terror Cameras' but it hasn't worked, I can still see Big Brother.

If the press find out that Sebastian Horsely died of a heroin overdose, they will crucify him, literally.

SCOUSE MALE:
Someone's paid eight hundred grand for the lyrics of a Beatles song? That's four grand a word! You could have got the Saville Report for that.

BRUMMIE:
I'd heard Emile Heskey might be in trouble with South African Immigration after lying on his visa application - he apparently described himself as a striker.

WOMAN:
My husband's an exponent of Capello Sex. (beat) A lot of anticipation, very poor build up play and an inability to hit the target.

CORRECTIONS:

MILES:
In last week's show we stated that the BBC would pay any price to keep The One Show's Christine Bleakley. We now acknowledge that the corporation is to focus on home grown talent (beat). (nonchalant) Have em, I ever mentioned I can dance....and sing a bit. ( a cappella sings the Balamory theme tune in a Sinatra style).

MILES:
Last week we likened America's response to the BP oil disaster, to their involvement in World War Two - arriving very late, berating the British efforts whilst demanding huge compensation. We humbly apologise for not mentioning World War One as well.