About time I posted some of my work here for peer review. Your comments appreciated. And mind the bad language - I know it's not 6.30 Radio 4 material!

NEW TARIFFS

FXMOBILE PHONE RINGTONE (CRAZY FROG)

SALESMAN:Mr Smith?

CUSTOMER:Yes, who is this?

SALESMANimon from Phones UK. Phones UK is offering you a fantastic handset upgrade if you sign up to one of our all-new tariffs.

CUSTOMER: Um, I’m happy with what I’ve got thank you.

SALESMAN: Sod it!

CUSTOMER: [TAKEN ABACK] I beg your pardon?

SALESMAN: One of our great new tariffs. SODIT could be just the thing for you. Special Opening Discount Including Texts. SODIT is a very popular option right now.

CUSTOMER: Really, I don’t want to change. I don’t text much anyway, so –

SALESMAN: Hmmm – maybe you’re more of a tosspot?

CUSTOMER: What!?

SALESMAN: TOSSPOT. Text on Saturdays, Sundays, Phone Other Times. Very popular with businessmen. Work calls in the week, text each other updates from the match at weekends?

CUSTOMER: I don’t think…

SALESMAN: We’ve signed up a lot of TOSSPOTS in the City.

CUSTOMER: Really, I’m not interested.

SALESMAN: You’re beginning to sound like a twat.

CUSTOMER: [SHOCKED] I’ve never been so…

SALESMAN: That’s our Tariff Without Any Texts. What do you think?

CUSTOMER: [GETTING AGITATED] Look, I’ve already told you I’m not interested. All I want is something that’s cheap to use, no texts.

SALESMAN: Hmm… Cheap Use, No Texts? We had to scrap that one. OFCOM didn’t like the name.

CUSTOMER: [ANGRY] For the last time, I just want you to go! Understood?

SALESMAN: Yes sir. Understood, 100%. [PAUSE] I assume that will be the U2GO without any text bundles?

CUSTOMERh, why don’t you just Phones UK yourself?

FXEXTENDED BEEP [END OF CALL]

Clever!

Very, very funny. Excellent stuff and my only advice would be to get it out there on a blog.

funny bits. Although the last line is an unlikely insult to use.

Yeah get it on a blog, or better still film it with a friend and whack it on youtube.

That was Brilliant! Loved it

Yes, very good Badge.

Well thought out and very traditional in a 'Ronnie Barker Gerald Wylie' way. And that is meant as a compliment.

Excellent

B

Thank you all.

ShoePie - I admit to having problems with the last line, and I agree it doesn't really work. It might be better with him just saying "[exasperated] Oh, Phones UK!" or perhaps just hanging up, leaving the salesman saying "Hello? Hello? Mr Smith?"

I'm unlikely to blog or YouTube so I'll leave it hanging here for some BBCproducer to pick up... or maybe not.

Merry Christmas to you all

personally im not into this style of humour/sketch but it works for what it is attempting to do

Wasn't sure at first but made me laugh out loud more than once by the end. Very good. Was going to write one for Training Purposes based on unwanted phone sales calls myself. I spent 40 minutes on the phone once debating with a woman trying to give me a free mobile. Really confused her when I said it wasn't free because of the environmental cost of transport, packaging and me ditching my old phone. Serves her right for calling on the sunday morning after the Live 8 concert.

Glad I ditched the idea though as it wouldn't have been as good as yours.

I liked it reminds me of the time I was arguing with sales woman. I said if their going to send me a free phone I'll sell it on and make some money and she said I couldn't lol went on for 20 odd minutes she hung up a victory for the common man

If you get right people acting it bet it'd roll really well,

Hi Badge

Excellent. Very well thought out and funny.

Only problem with it is the ending as it sorts of tales off and you can tell you were a bit stuck but with a bit of thought I'm sure you could give it the ending the rest of it deserves.

Back to the writing for a certain type of show though -- it's not really Radio 4 material, like you said! Unless we get a 'Recorded For Training Purposes... Late!' (with Kate Thornton)...

Dan

Thanks for all the feedback. New year's resolution: do some more, and don't give up.

it has a touch of the two ronnies, not a whole lot similar but very funny, i don't know many sites for comic sketches but get it on one right this instance.