Wanted to try writing a bit of stand-up and as I keep getting called "Harry Potter" (in more than one country) thought might be a place to start.
Wrote it a few weeks ago when couldn't sleep, and having gone back to it suspect it's a little rambly and perhaps lacks pace and (punchy) gags. Was unsure whether it's best to keep to short and simple gags or try almost a conversational style e.g. first joke below is a topical bit that could be done as a quick gag (or is it a balance and something particular to a performer's delivery?)
Anyhoo it's an attempt at something, so feedback appreciated.
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So the recession's hit now, and Woolworths has gone, so's MFI and Land of Leather – Can you imagine what it was like at Land of Leather? "What do you mean, we've lost all our money? Have you tried looking down the back of the sofa? Well, try the other one. Yes, and them too. Get on with it then, what do you think we're paying you for, man!" ("you're not, you've got no money") – "ah, right."
But some companies are doing alright out of it, aren't they? Look at Sainsbury's – they're taking on 3000 people, Lidl's not "cheap" any more – oh no, it's "good value." As for Primark – we liked cheap clothes before, now we bloody love 'em. Did you hear about Primark in the news? Just like Natwest, they've stopped outsourcing services. Yes, now instead of having sweatshops in India, they're conveniently located in Manchester. (HUMM NATWEST THEME TUNE) "there is another way" – yeah, why set up factories all the way out there when you can bring immigrants here to work in the same squalid conditions. Only colder. Terrible business… On the other hand, £2.00 for a jumper? Bargain! [Plus, at £3.50 an hour, they can afford their own clothes].
I'm always getting told I look like "Harry Potter". Well, I suppose I look like a cross between the one with glasses and the ginger one. It was bad enough before, being four-eyed and ginger without looking like a bloody wizard too!
If all children were brought up on Harry Potter, maybe we'd reduce youth crime. Instead of stabbing and shooting each other they'd just have spell duels. All these guns and knives are just penis substitutes for hormone-filled kids, so why not just give them a wand instead? "Nah, mate, I can't do a drive-by tonight. I've gotta polish my wand an make Polyjuice potion for double chemistry, innit."
I think Jewish people would have the most to gain from being wizards. I mean, circumcision would be a lot easier if the Mohel was a wizard. Would have to be careful, obviously – "expelliarmus! (PAUSE) Ah. Was only supposed to take the top off." But if it does go wrong, the kid has a penis substitute ready anyway.
(PULL OUT WAND AND WAVE IT AT CROTCH) Grow!…Oh, come on. Like you wouldn't try it.
I use the tube a lot and the announcements are terrible, aren't they? I live at the end of the line, and it sounds like the trains go there to die. Every day it's: "This train terminates here." And late at night: "The last train has departed." What?! Leave them alone! No wonder transport costs are so high, if they're replacing the bloody trains every day. [Even the Nazis didn't kill the TRAINS at the end of the line!]. Anyway, the Hogwarts Express has much better announcements: "Please mind the Dumble-doors." So yeah, get down to King's Cross Platform 3 3/4 if you can.
Did you see the news that a convicted paedophile was used in a tourism advert to dress up as the Fat Controller? And no, it wasn't advertising Thomas the W**k engine. Last week, he tried it on with the kids on the Hogwarts Express. He got his comeuppance, though - Ron Weasley gave him genital warts. Ron didn't even use magic, neither. Don't know how he did it…
