Winner or binner?

I was originally going to call this thread 'Hit or Shit', but that seemed a little in your face.

It seems that everyone starts off writing a flat share sitcom and I re read one I'd started several years ago the other day and actually laughed out loud (said with amasement, not arrogance). I couldn't then remember why I'd not taken it any further. This is everything I wrote, about half the first episode, it's not been re written so is obviously rough, but I was wondering what people think. Would it be worth resurecting or should I start something else? Has the whole flat share thing been done to death anyway? Are there too many sexual references? Too much swearing?

INT. LIVING ROOM. HELEN'S HOUSE.

A large room in a Victorian Villa. Expensively decorated with stylish feminine furniture.
There is a noise from the hallway. The sound of bottles clinking and bags russling.
Helen, attractive, in her late twenties, stumbles in carrying countless boutique bags with expensive looking boxes tucked under her arms.
She is staggering under the enormous bulk. A large bag gets caught between her legs and as she stumbles forward, she and the bags end up in one pile on the floor.
She appears dishevelled from behind the sofa, and pulls herself up onto her knees.

HELEN
Drink.

She staggers over to a cocktail cabinet and opens it.
She pulls out a glass and looks into it. It has something growing in the bottom. She looks into the cabinet. No more glasses.
She puts the glass down on top of the cabinet and takes out a bottle of vodka and a can of Redbull.
Slowly and deliberately she opens the bottle and pulls the can.
She pours half of the Redbull into her mouth and follows it with a large slug of vodka.
She looks pleased, a big smile. Satisfied. She takes another swig of the vodka and smacks her lips loudly.
There is the sound of the doorbell.

INT. LIVING ROOM. HELEN'S HOUSE.

Alison enters and is followed by Helen. They are both having to step over the piles of shopping bags.

ALISON
Shopathon?

Helen nods.

ALISON
Why this time?

HELEN
Got fired.

ALISON
Thank God. I hated that my best friend was an estate agent.

HELEN
I hated it too. And I was crap.

ALISON
You were crap, so they fired you?

HELEN
No. They fired me because I didn't want to sleep with the boss.

ALISON
That's not like you?

HELEN
I know. But he'd have been shit. I don't mind shagging the boss if I'm going to enjoy it. I won't do it with just anyone. I do have principles.

ALISON
Obviously.

HELEN
And besides, he had the smallest dick in the office.

ALISON
You heard this?

Helen looks sheepish. She shrugs her shoulders.

HELEN
I gave him a blow job at the Christmas party.

ALISON
And the others?

HELEN
It took me a while to work out exactly who I had to sleep with to keep my job.

ALISON
So you tried to cover all bases?

HELEN
By the time I'd realised who it was, I just wasn't prepared to go through with it. I didn't want to degrade myself. I walked out of that office with my head held high.

ALISON
One in the eye for chauvinism.

HELEN
Not exactly. I had cramp in my neck. I said I'd give him another blow job if he gave me a good reference.

ALISON
You really are a slut aren't you?

HELEN
Do you think so? I've never really thought about it.

ALISON
Well I have. Definite slut.

HELEN
What are you doing here anyway?

Alison looks upset.

ALISON
I split up with Dylan.

HELEN
Ooops. Makes my problem seem a little lightweight.

Alison smiles.

HELEN (CONT'D)
Park your arse. I'll get us something to drink.

ALISON
Make mine a large one.

HELEN
We-hey. See, you're practically over him already.

She laughs loudly and falsely at her pathetic joke.

Alison looks solemn.

HELEN (CONT'D)
No. Right. Rummage through these bags for me would you. In one of them there's a huge box of chocs. Let's get slaughtered on vodka and chocolate and then go out and get laid?

Alison starts to cry.

HELEN (CONT'D)
Or we could stay in.

She heads towards the kitchen.

HELEN (CONT'D)
Right. Drink.

Helen exits.

INT. LIVING ROOM. HELENS HOUSE. NIGHT.

Helen and Alison now both have a glass in front of them and they are halfway down a bottle of vodka that is sitting on the table.
There is a large box of chocolates open between them and they are tucking in heartily.
Helen pops another into her mouth and bites into it.

HELEN
O God. O shit.

She starts gagging and looking for a tissue.

ALISON
What?

HELEN
Bollocks.

She leans forward and spits the chocolate into an ashtray.

HELEN (CONT'D)
God. Ordinarily, I wouldn't class myself as a spitter.

ALISON
Strawberry cream?

Helen nods.

HELEN
Got a tissue?

ALISON
In my bag. At your feet.

Helen moves Alison's bag and a copy of Playboy falls out. She picks it up.

HELEN
What's this for? Are you becoming a lesbian now?

ALISON
She's in it. Miss June.

HELEN
O for goodness sake. Have I been wasting quality symphathy? Just because Dylan enjoys a bit of the old five finger shuffle with Miss June looking on, doesn't mean he's been unfaithful. It's a man thing. And who cares if it saves you getting cramp in your jaw four or five nights a week?

ALISON
It's not her picture, it's the actual her. He met her through someone at the office and they've been doing it for the last three weeks.

HELEN
Ah.

ALISON
She's far better at it than me apparently. And she climaxes through ordinary penetration. None of that awkward balancing and fiddling. I hate her.

HELEN
You hate her so much you carry her picture around with you?

Helen flicks through the magazine.
Alison is looking through her bag.

HELEN (CONT'D)
She's quite pretty.

Alison glares at her.

HELEN (CONT'D)
For a tart. Obviously.

ALISON
And she's had a boob job.

Helen looks closer at the picture.

HELEN
Are you sure, they look natural to me. Not bad actually.

ALISON
Humour me. I'm trying to find something, anything, not perfect about her.

HELEN
Well, she definitely dies her hair.

Alison pulls something out of her bag.

ALISON
I'm making a voodoo doll. That's what the pictures are for. I'm going to stick one on the doll for added realism.
She holds up the doll. It has been made with it's legs wide open in a provocative pose.

ALISON (CONT'D)
It's not finished yet.

HELEN
Does this shit work?

Helen pulls a male doll out of her bag. It has a photo of her ex boyfriend stuck to it's face.

ALISON
I have no idea. But just in case it does....

She bangs the male doll down hard on the coffee table so the corner of the table goes between it's legs.

ALISON (CONT'D)
There.

She smiles.

INT. KITCHEN. HELEN'S HOUSE. NIGHT.

Helen and Alison are tucking into a large pizza from a box on the table.
They are both very drunk. Helen drains the last of the vodka into her glass.

ALISON
What are you going to do now?

HELEN
Open another bottle.

ALISON
Longer term.

HELEN
O. I'll rent the spare rooms out.
My brother was asking only the other day.

ALISON
I'll need somewhere. You know, if it's OK with you.

HELEN
Sold to the lady with the suitcase.

ALISON
And for work?

HELEN
I'll take a few weeks off. Time for a career change. I really fancy being a TV chef.

She takes a big swig of vodka.

HELEN (CONT'D)
Or maybe an assassin.

INT. LIVING ROOM. HELEN'S HOUSE. DAY.

Helen is on the phone, she is pacing around as she talks. Alison is sitting on the sofa sticking pins into the voodoo doll. Very thoughtful, very precise. Helen watches her with a worried look on her face.

HELEN
No, no problem. That's fine. Yep.
Send him round if he's interested. OK. See you. Bye. Yep. Bye.

She hangs up the phone.

HELEN (CONT'D)
Bollocks.

ALISON
No good?

Helen shakes her head vigorously.

ALISON (CONT'D)
Still, I didn't like to mention it before but....Well, he's a bit of a computer nerd. I mean, I know he's your brother....

HELEN
He's a rich computer nerd. And now he's sending round another rich computer nerd who is looking for a room. I'll be trying to discuss rent and house rules and....

ALISON
He'll be starring at your tits and dribbling, most probably fiddling with something unseen in his trouser pocket.

HELEN
When are you moving in?

ALISON
At the weekend. The bastard and Miss June are going away so I can move my stuff out without having to see them.

HELEN
That sounds like it's for the best.

ALISON
And of course, it gives me much more time to exact my revenge on his wardrobe.

INT. /EXT. DOORSTEP. HELEN'S HOUSE. DAY.

There is the sound of the doorbell, a constant irritating ringing. Helen appears in the hall.

HELEN
What a tosser. Already I don't like him.

She opens the door.
Hugh is standing on the doorstep. Drop dead gorgeous. Rugged and handsome. He smiles.

HUGH
I'm Hugh. I've come about the room.

HELEN
Yeah. Come in.

She gestures, showing him into the hall.

HELEN (CONT'D)
Go through. The living room's just in there.

HUGH
Through here?

HELEN
Yeah. I'll just be a minute. Make yourself at home.

Hugh disappears into the living room. Helen sprints up the stairs.

INT. HELEN'S BEDROOM. DAY.

Helen bursts through the door pulling her tee-shirt over her head. She throws it on the bed and starts undoing her jeans. They hit the floor in a second.
She opens the wardrobe and grabs a skirt. It is incredibly short. She holds it against herself.

HELEN
Too obvious.

She grabs another skirt, almost full length and puts it on. She grabs an almost see through shirt. She looks in the mirror and undoes a couple more buttons to display plenty of cleavage.
She hikes up her bra while she looks in the mirror. She re-does her bright red lipstick.
She growls.

INT. LIVING ROOM. HELEN'S HOUSE. DAY.

Hugh is flicking through the copy of Playboy. He discovers the picture of Miss June with her face cut out.
Helen walks in. Hugh quickly puts the magazine down.

HELEN
Sorry about that. Spilt something
on my shirt just before you arrived.

Hugh smiles and nods.

HUGH
No problem.

Helen crosses to a chair.

HELEN
I've never done this before, so....

HUGH
I'm an old hand. I can guide you through.

HELEN
Brilliant.

She sits down opposite Hugh and her skirt is split right up to the waist band. Her long legs are revealed, as she knew they would be.

HELEN (CONT'D)
So what do you think?

HUGH
I'll take it.

HELEN
But you haven't seen it. Yet.

HUGH
I've seen enough to know. I'm an old hand remember.

HELEN
Well, that was far easier than I had imagined.

Hugh smiles and shrugs his shoulders.

INT. SPARE ROOM. HELEN'S HOUSE.

Helen is showing Hugh around his new room.
Hugh goes up to the wall behind the bed and knocks it with his fist.

HUGH
Nice and sound. That's good.

Helen smiles.

HUGH (CONT'D)
I wouldn't want to keep you awake at night. Just between you and me, I'm a bit of a screamer when I get going.

HELEN
A word of advice. Loosen your grip a little.

She winks at him, then turns quickly and exits.

INT. ALISON'S BEDROOM. DAY.

Helen staggers into the room carrying a large cardboard box. She drops it down on the bed and straightens her back. She looks pained.
She reaches into the box and pulls out a pair of handcuffs, trimmed with fake leopard fur.
Alison enters with another box. She sees Helen and clears her throat.
Helen puts the handcuffs down.

HELEN
Sorry.

She smiles by way of an apology. Alison puts her box down and crosses to the bed.

HELEN (CONT'D)
What is this stuff?

Alison closes the lid of the box.

ALISON
Personal stuff.

HELEN
Kinky personal stuff?

ALISON
Maybe.

Helen raises her eyebrows.

INT. LANDING. HELEN'S HOUSE. DAY.

Alison walks past the door to Hugh's bedroom just as he is opening it. He sees her and quickly closes it again.

INT. HUGH'S BEDROOM. DAY.

Hugh in his room, he has his back against the door.
Slowly he turns around and opens it a little.
Helen is walking past and he reaches out and pulls her into the room.
He closes the door again quickly before Helen has a chance to argue.

HELEN
What the f...

Hugh puts his hand over her mouth before she can complete her sentence.

HUGH
That woman. Who is she? What's she doing here?

Helen tries to answer but is incomprehensible.

HUGH (CONT'D)
What?

Helen raises her eyebrows. Hugh takes his hand away from her mouth.

HUGH (CONT'D)
Sorry.

HELEN
She is my best friend. Alison.
She's moving in to the room at the top of the house.

HUGH
O no.

HELEN
What?

HUGH
I can't stay here. Don't let her see me.

HELEN
What's the problem. I mean, I know she can be a little scary. Even a little weird sometimes but....

HUGH
You don't understand. I met her a couple of years ago, in a bar. We got talking and she seemed nice enough. She invited me back to her place and I went.

HELEN
Wait till I speak to her....

HUGH
When we got into bed all she talked about was her boyfriend, how he was having an affair and how all men are bastards. No one had ever really loved her, they just used her for sex and then disappeared.

HELEN
That does happen a lot. With her.
Alison, I mean.

HUGH
I'm ashamed. Really. But I never thought I'd see her again.

HELEN
What?

HUGH
I shagged her, like she asked.
Then, I pretended to be asleep. Then when I thought she was asleep, I grabbed my clothes and left.

HELEN
You should be ashamed. But it was a couple of years ago.

HUGH
That's not the end. She was only pretending to be asleep too. When I was halfway out of the room, she leapt up and started screaming at me. I ran and we both ended up out in the street, naked. She was yelling at the top of her voice if she ever saw me again, she'd kill me.

HELEN
She's a lot less....volatile now.
I'm sure....

The door opens and Alison walks in.

ALISON
I thought you were helping?

She notices Hugh.

ALISON (CONT'D)
You must be Hugh.

She holds out her hand and he shakes it.

ALISON (CONT'D)
Alison. Pleased to meet you.
Perhaps you could give us a hand too?

HUGH
Of course. Pleasure.

Alison exits. Helen makes an OK sign to Hugh, who reciprocates.

INT. LIVING ROOM. HELEN'S HOUSE. NIGHT.

Helen Alison and Hugh are watching the television. They all look bored.

ALISON
Right. That's it. I refuse to watch anymore of this rubbish. I'll see you in the morning.

She stands up and leaves the room. Helen moves closer to Hugh on the sofa.

HELEN
So, has she said anything?

HUGH
Doesn't seem to remember me.

HELEN
I'd have remembered you.

She runs her finger along the length of his thigh.

THE NEXT NIGHT (PROBABLY)

INT. HUGH'S BEDROOM. NIGHT.

Hugh is asleep in the middle of the double bed. A chink in the curtain provides the only illumination from the street lamp outside.
The door creaks open slowly.
A figure enters the room dressed head to toe in black.
It is Alison. She is holding a pillow and she brings it up towards her chest.
She leaps onto the bed and sits astride Hugh, pushing the pillow over his face.
He begins to thrash about, arms and legs going, muffled screams coming from under the pillow.

INT. HELEN'S BEDROOM. NIGHT.

The duvet is moving about frantically, moaning and grunting from under it.
The sound of muffled screaming from the next room is growing.
The sex stops. A man appears from under the duvet.

MAN
Can you not hear that? It sounds like someone's being murdered in there.

HELEN
Relax. He's a bit of a screamer that's all. Never mind them. Where were we?

MAN
I'm sorry. I just can't do it with that racket going on next door.

INT. HUGH'S BEDROOM. NIGHT.

Alison still sitting astride Hugh.
Abruptly, the noise and the thrashing stops.
Alison climbs off the bed and heads towards the door.

INT. HELEN'S BEDROOM. NIGHT.

Helen and her man are sitting up in bed.
The sound stops.

HELEN
There. He's finished. So if you don't mind....You promised me a good time in that bar tonight.

MAN
But....

HELEN
No buts. Just you....

There is a knock on the bedroom door.

HELEN (CONT'D)
Go away.

The door opens and Alison enters.

HELEN (CONT'D)
I just can't catch a break.

ALISON
I just killed Hugh.

INT. HUGH'S BEDROOM. NIGHT.

Hugh is lying motionless on the bed.
Alison, still dressed in black and Helen, wearing a very short robe, are staring at the bed.
Alison leans forward touching Hugh's neck, trying to take his pulse.
Helen lifts up the duvet and looks down at Hugh. She raises her eyebrows.

HELEN
I'm not sure you're going to get a pulse that far up. Most of the blood appears to be a little lower in his body.

Alison looks round.
There is a sound on the landing. Helen's man is sneaking past the open doorway.

HELEN (CONT'D)
Call me.

The man quickens his pace. He thunders down the stairs and out of the front door. It closes with a bang.

HELEN (CONT'D)
Suit yourself.

Helen lifts up the duvet once more and has a last look at Hugh's naked body.

HELEN (CONT'D)
What a waste.

Hugh coughs, a faint little cough.

HELEN (CONT'D)
I thought you said he was dead?

ALISON
I thought he was. But I'm no expert. I've never killed anyone before.

Hugh coughs heartily, opening his eyes. He sits up in bed.
Alison and Helen scream. Hugh sees Alison, still holding the pillow. He starts to scream.

INT. KITCHEN. HELEN'S HOUSE. NIGHT.

Hugh is wearing one of Helen's robes, sitting at the kitchen table.
Helen passes him a large glass of brandy. He takes it and has a big sip.

HELEN
She say's she really is very sorry.

HUGH
I don't care how sorry she is, I'm still calling the police.

HELEN
I'm sure it's a one off. It'll never happen again. I promise.

HUGH
How can I ever get to sleep, knowing there's a psycho in the next room just waiting for the right moment.

HELEN
Look. How about, you know, if you're worried about sleeping on your own, you sleep with me tonight.

HUGH
Well....

HELEN
Then, if you still want to call the police in the morning, I won't try to stop you.

Hugh looks up at her.

HELEN
What do you say?

HUGH
If you don't mind?

INT. HELEN'S BEDROOM. NIGHT.

Hugh is sitting up in Helen's bed, he leans forward and fluffs the pillows.
He breathes on his hand, checking his breath.
He looks under the duvet between his legs and gives a satisfied smiling nod.

Sorry, only raised a smile twice. Don't get me wrong, it's quite a good premise, and fairly entertaining I suppose, but not a sitcom. The laughs just weren't there. Didn't really believe the whole smothering scene either; Hugh was introduced as being "rugged", so how would he not be able to throw Alison off of him, even if she'd jumped on him in his sleep?

And in all honesty, the girls are way too slutty for my liking. It would have to be REALLY funny for me to stay watching a programme with women like that.

Well, I suppose the idea that women are alcoholic sluts who have to blow the boss to keep their jobs might be a hit with the drooling buffoons who read Zoo/Nuts. But IMO, there are too many sexual references and not enough laughs and the main characters are unlikeable idiots, a slightly more upmarket version of the Fat Slags.

Thanks for the feedback Aaron, looks like it ought to stay unfinished!

Quote: Thomps @ November 16, 2006, 10:40 AM

Well, I suppose the idea that women are alcoholic sluts who have to blow the boss to keep their jobs might be a hit with the drooling buffoons who read Zoo/Nuts. But IMO, there are too many sexual references and not enough laughs and the main characters are unlikeable idiots, a slightly more upmarket version of the Fat Slags.

I did actually read it to a female friend of mine and she said she really liked it. A fine and upstanding respectable woman at that. Just goes to show you get much more unbiased feedback from people who aren't trying not to hurt your feelings.

Or maybe she thought that it was her life... Women seem to think that that kind of behaviour is ok. ;)

Quote: Aaron @ November 16, 2006, 10:19 AM

the girls are way too slutty for my liking. It would have to be REALLY funny for me to watch a programme with women like that.

Big Brother 1 through 7?

sorry but, it failed to indulge me, it seemed a bit one track and didn't really have any laugh out loud moments, but it could be good so don't give up

Quote: SlagA @ November 16, 2006, 11:50 AM

Big Brother 1 through 7?

I do hope that you're not implying that Big Brother is funny?!

I preferred 'Crazy Little Thing', but I like this one more than the other folks on here. Normally I hate anything with a whiff of militant 'girl power' but I thought this was good. I don't think it's lewd and crude when compared to - say - '2 pints of lager...' (which i really dislike).

Re: the bloke being rugged, maybe he could be more of a 'male model' type, bit flimsy so it's easier to believe the attempted smothering and then wanting to sleep in Helen's room? The scene where she's she's trying on different clothes would be cool as loads of jump cuts and you could throw some random stuff in, too - cavewoman and a nun I would say. Been done 1000 times of course, but hey. I don't thnk u r supposed to write that type of thing into scripts but there u go.

I notice you always describe the architectural period in your sitcom scripts. This one is Victorian, I think 'Crazy Little Thing' was Georgian? When can we expect a Tudor masterpiece?

I genuinely like reading your scripts, I don't know loads abt what sells and that but I thought this and CLT were both great and I'm glad I spent time reading them.

Quote: Aaron @ November 17, 2006, 11:23 PM

I do hope that you're not implying that Big Brother is funny?!

It's funnier than many recent sitcoms and by now the radio signals are passing the nearest stars so it should now be fulfilling its secret government devised purpose: to deter a visit from an hostile lifeforms.

No, they'll just obliterate us with their super-laser-death-rays for being worthless instead! ;)