Rejected Late Night Mash submissions

I'm a huge fan of Late Night Mash and the Mash Report before it, so I thought I'd write some in-style topical gags for them. Unfortunately they were rejected, so I present them for your reading pleasure here.

1. The government this week unveiled a new plan for helping people back to work after the pandemic. And it's SHIT.

2. Boris Johnson this week visited a hospital in Burnley to talk to NHS workers about pay. What an ARSEHOLE.

3. Matt Hancock this week apologised for breaking Covid rules with his mistress. Like a BELL-END.

4. Keir Starmer was in the news this week too. For being SHIT.

5. Rishi Sunak has come under fire for being a WANKER. Because he's a WANKER.

You get the idea.

Your mistake there was being too clever to fit in with their usual stuff.

It's a bit like a pub monologue really, I wouldn't say it was clever. Come up with a punchline, rather than just a swear. Swears are shit.

This made me laugh, which is more than can be said for the vast majority of topical satire I've ever seen.

That's f**king brilliant. At first I thought you'd nicked my punchline 'It is shit'. Then I remembered that my punchline is actually 'It is total and utter f**king shit.'

Why are you saying they were rejected? I saw them all in the last episode.