F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to me and Otterfox for shingling. I shall PM myself with a subject for next wank. I shan't really. It's a joke. Otterfox can. Meanwhilst...
Me, Otterf**ked - 2
Gappy, - 1

Next natterjerk: Transport
Leg closed: 25.9.21
Runners are nowt...

Position Score Name
1 11 Otterfox
2 10 Lazzard
3 9 Crindy
4 7 Playfull, Gappy
5 5 Me
6 1 Teddy

1: What you up to?

2: When? Are you asking me on a date? Because I'm already married.

1: You're married to me.

2: That's what I mean: basically a redundant gesture.

1: I mean, what are you doing now?

2: Oh. Painting.

1: Yes, clearly. Be more specific.

2: Got you. I'm just slapping on some of the old Dulux magnolia.

1: And why?

2: Well, the thing is, although everyone says matt magnolia is completely boring and lifeless and basically like sucking off Satan's bumhounds.

1: Do they?

2: Alright, just the first two, then. But although they say this, studies have actually shown that if you paint magnolia all over the shop, you get a sale quicker.

1: Yes, though I think that only works for houses. Not a Subaru Impreza Sports Sedan.

2: You reckon? People can always paint over it if they don't like it.

1: At least just do the bodywork, not the windows.

2: Ah, no, but I've painted the windows so that it doesn't spoil the surprise when you open the door. Go on, open the door.

1: I know what it's like inside, don't I? It's just our car and - oh! Christ, what's the smell?

2: Another sure-sell winner: the smell of baking bread!

1: It doesn't smell anything like baking bread.

2: Yeah, well, it turns out it's quite hard to bake bread in a Subaru footwell, so what you're really smelling is burnt carpet. Don't worry, I'll paint over it.

1: This is a disaster, you've rendered our car worthless! God, I think I'm going to faint.

2: Alright, sit down - not there, that seat's still wet - there you go. And, look, here's a little coffee from my flask, to buck you up.

1: Thanks. Oh - this is disgusting. Have you used almond milk?

2: Yes. Partly...

INT. FAMILY CAR - DAY

A large family car. TREVOR (mid 40s) sits in the driver's seat, with his wife YVONNE (early 40s) alongside. They're not moving, stuck in a long line of traffic in a supermarket car park.

TREVOR
Absolutely pathetic.

YVONNE
Ok, fine, we'll put Radio 4 on instead!

TREVOR
No, not Ken Bruce! This bloody queue of cars waiting for petrol. Every time there's a sniff of a fuel shortage, it's the same thing.

YVONNE
Well, I'm sure people are just worried. They said on the news that the whole country's running out of petrol.

TREVOR
But they're just making the situation worse! You know what it is? It's selfishness, that's what it is. This modern generation--

YVONNE
(gesturing ahead)
Bloke in front must be in his 60s...

TREVOR
--This modern generation is completely bloody selfish. Just looking out for themselves. No sense of community. "I'm alright, Jack".

YVONNE
How do you know he's called Jack?

TREVOR
No! Not the--My point is, Yvonne, that the second there's the sniff of a fuel shortage, they're all straight over here to fill up like bloody lemmings! Thereby exacerbating the very problem they're getting worried about in the first place, and getting in the way of the rest of us, who are just here for a bit of bloody shopping!

The queue inches forward ever so slightly. Trevor continues to grumble.

TREVOR (Cont'd)
I mean, if there really is a shortage, it should be essential journeys only, or summat, right?

YVONNE
Well, maybe all these are essential journeys? Remember how busy the roads got during lockdown?

TREVOR
Bah. Nonsense. Young people today, they're the problem--

YVONNE
Oh, I forgot to mention, Deborah told me her eldest has had to sell his car. His landlord put the rent up again.

TREVOR
--They're all just self-centred, narcissistic, egotistical--

YVONNE
And I don't think her youngest can even drive yet. She's working two jobs to pay off her student loan...

TREVOR
--Just looking out for themselves. I tell you what, this lot, this generation, they wouldn't have lasted five minutes in the war!

YVONNE
Which war?

TREVOR
Wh--? Which war?! The bloody war, Yvonne! The war that this bloody country won! The greatest historical event this country has ever witnessed!

YVONNE
Oh. The war you weren't alive for.

TREVOR
You--! The war my bloody father fought in!

YVONNE
Did he?

TREVOR
I dunno. Who am I? Bloody AJP Taylor? Point is, people like maybe my father, possibly, fought for this country, and for what? So that these spoiled millennials--

A distinctly tired TEENAGER walks past the car, slowly pushing a line of supermarket trolleys back towards the store.

TREVOR (Cont'd)
--Can just act like this the second there's a sniff of a fuel shortage? Pathetic, I tell you.

A long, awkward silence. The queue inches forward again.

TREVOR (Cont'd)
Absolutely pathetic behaviour.

YVONNE
Oh, good, the kids are back!

The back doors open and GREG and DEBBIE (both 20s) clamber awkwardly in, their arms full of multiple packs of TOILET ROLL.

GREG
Score! Got the last eight packs of double quilted!

YVONNE
Thank god!

DEBBIE
Come on, dad! Go, go, go!

Trevor goes to pull out of the queue, then pauses.

GREG
What are you waiting for?

TREVOR
Better get some petrol while we're here...

THE END

EXT. DAY.

PRESESNTER (GORDON) IN SMALL COUNTRY VILLAGE SPEAKS TO THE CAMERA AS HE APPROACHES A HOUSE.

GORDON:
Of all modes of transport my favourite would have to be the UFO. Luckily, I find myself in a village where sightings have by no means increased but are still reported from time to time. And it was in this very house that a couple reported a sighting only last night. Let's see what they have to say for themselves...

GORDON KNOCKS ON THE DOOR AND AN ELDERLY MAN ANSWERS.

GORDON:
Betty and Barney Eddy?

BARNEY:
I'm afraid you're mistaken, I'm just Barney. You may keep looking.

BARNEY BEGINS TO CLOSE THE DOOR.

GORDON:
No. Barney Eddy and your wife is Betty.

BARNEY:
Why didn't you say that in the first place instead of confusing the matter?

GORDON:
I'm here about the UFO.

BARNEY:
Was it you that was driving it?

GORDON:
That's a good place to start actually. I heard that you didn't just see a UFO but you also saw beings emerging from it.

BARNEY:
Yes, I heard that too.

BETTY ENTERS.

BETTY:
He means tell him about the little men we saw.

BARNEY:
I'll tell him by drawing them or he can forget about the whole thing.

GORDON HANDS BARNEY A PENCIL AND PAPER.
BARNEY DRAWS ON THE PAGE AND HANDS IT BACK TO GORDON.

GORDON:
This is a picture of matchstick men. Are you saying that this is how they looked?

BARNEY:
I never said anything. I was very sure about that. I drew them.

GORDON:
And they looked like that?

BARNEY:
They are that.

GORDON:
I don't follow.

BARNEY:
That's them. What I've drawn is them right now.

GORDON:
Alright, let's change direction. Tell me about the UFO. Did you get any idea where it might be from?

BARNEY:
At a guess I'd say the universe.

BETTY:
Yes, the universe.

GORDON:
Let's umm... can you take me through you're experience of last night.

BARNEY:
I can take you through the experience if that's any good to you. I was looking out the back porch like I do most nights; laughing at a drain, which I do most nights when I saw something shoot across the sky, like I see most nights.

GORDON:
Wait, you see this most nights?

BARNEY:
Oh yes, but I'd never seen anything like this. I had so much not seen it that I called Betty over.

BETTY: 'Betty', he said, 'I'm calling you over.'

GORDON:
What was different about this?

BARNEY:
It was its trajectory. It flew like a panther.

BETTY:
Then it plummeted.

BARNEY:
Yes, plummeted like a panther and then it crashed into our field.

GORDON:
Wow! This is incredible.

BARNEY:
So myself and Betty, Betty, that's my wife, went out to the field where we saw it crash and that's when the matchstick men appeared.

BETTY:
With their very strange walk.

GORDON:
What was strange about it?

BARNEY:
They walked like panthers.

GORDON:
Maybe they were just some panthers?

BARNEY (disgruntled) :
How could they be when they weren't!

GORDON:
Ok, ok, no need to get prickly. Anything else to report?

BETTY:
Tell him about the seahorse.

BARNEY:
Oh yes. They kept referring to me as 'Keith Seahorse' and wanted to know where they could find edible seahorses.

BETTY:
And they wanted us to put apples on our ankles and make weather out of cushions.

GORDON:
I'm going to have to cut you off there as my suspension of reality is hanging by a thread and we still have to do a reconstruction. Barney, if you can stand by the back porch just like you did last night. Betty, you're in the kitchen.

BARNEY:
So, is it still today or is it last night now?

GORDON:
It's last night. Aaand actio-

BARNEY:
But you weren't here.

GORDON:
It's today but while we're filming it's last night. And act-

BARNEY:
So what happened to everything we did today? Just wiped I suppose. We'd better be paid well for this, taking us back in time to last night like that.

GORDON:
It's not really last night.

BARNEY:
Well, if it's not last night then we saw nothing.

GORDON GROWS FRUSTRATED.

GORDON:
Jesus! When I say action we're pretending it's last night. It's not actually last night. We're in a new day obviously but I need you Barney to pretend that it's last night and act just like you did then. Do you think you can do that Barney? Can you perform this simple task? Just - Pretend- It's - Last - Night!

BARNEY:
Why didn't you say? It's obvious when you finally explained it properly.

GORDON IS NOW SEETHING.

GORDON:
Just-just look out the window and do exactly like you did last night. And action!

BARNEY (ACTING):
Oh my God, what the hell is that!? Come over here Helen!

GORDON:
Cut! Your wife's name is Betty. We'll go again...and act-

BETTY:
Am I still Betty?

GORDON (EXASPERATED):
Of course you're still- What is you name? What is your actual name? What's your bloody name?

BETTY (unsure) :
Betty?

GORDON:
Betty! Do you think you'll be able to remember that for the next 11 seconds... Barney, ready? And act-

BARNEY:
It's Barney Eddy, not Barney Reddy.

GORDONS ANGER BUILDS.

GORDON:
Fine! FINE! ACTION TA FUCK!

BARNEY (ACTING) :
What is that? Oh my Frod - God Benny, Helen. I mean Betty.

GORDON (RESIGNATION):
F**k it! F**k it! It's utter bullshit anyway!

GORDON THROWS HIS MIC AWAY, KNOCKS THE CAMERA AND THROWS BARNEYS DRAWING TO THE GROUND. THE MATCHSTICK MEN CLIMB OFF THE PAGE.

END.

LOS ANGELES 1967. SEATED AT THE DESILU'S STUDIO CANTEEN WE FIND THE CAST OF STAR TREK.

KIRK: I just feel I should understand this stuff.

BONES: There is no 'this stuff'.

KIRK: I'm speaking the words, "warp speed Mr Sulu" or "engage the tractor beam Chekov". I might as well be speaking nonsense.

SULU: You are, if it's any consolation, it's not the words.

KIRK: Thank you Sulu.

SULU: My pleasure Captain.

SPOCK: Good grief,

KIRK: Spock, you are a creature of logic.

SPOCK: No, I am not Bill.

KIRK: Ahhh, remember, Gene says we are supposed to stay in character when at the studio,

SULU: F**k Gene.

KIRK: Was that in character Sulu?

SULU: Absolutely Captain.

KIRK: Good. Scotty, while Spock is thinking about it, do you know how warp drive works?

SPOCK: I am not thinking about it.

SCOTTY: Well captain, since you ask, I asked the writers that very question.

KIRK: Really, what did they say?

SCOTTY: Well, they said when the Enterprise uses the Dilytheum crystals to go to warp speed...

KIRK: Yes?

SCOTTY: It goes really, really, really fast.

ALL LAUGH

KIRK: Awww, c'mon fellas. Don't make me ask Spock again.

SPOCK: Why do you always assume I know the answer, what makes you think I am the smartest person here?

KIRK: I've met the others?

SPOCK: Fair enough...

UHURA APPROACHES

UHURA: Ten minutes on set everyone.

KIRK: Ten minutes? How about we pop over to my trailer?

UHURA: No thanks, I've just read how small my part is. That's enough disappointment for one day.

SPOCK: Christ Jim, do you want to know how warp speed might work?

UHURA It's based on Einstein's Special theory isn't it.

KIRK: The Einstein?

SPOCK: No, another Einstein...

KIRK: Wow there are two Einsteins?

SPOCK: Does anyone have a working phaser?

KIRK: I'm just kidding with you Spock.

SULU: Twat!

KIRK: What?

SULU: Err, I was wondering what the 'T' in James T Kirk stands for.

KIRK: It's Tiberius, what does twat mean?

SULU: It's an old English word, a nickname of the Roman Emperor Tiberius.

KIRK: Ok.

UHURA: It looks like I have no more lines, so I'm off.

SULU: Missing you already.

KIRK: And the transporter, how does that work?

SCOTTY: Ah, ye dinnae need worry about the transporter Captain. Not unless you're a red shirted unnamed member of security that is.

SPOCK: It folds space time!

KIRK: What?

SPOCK: Warp speed is made up, it doesn't exist. But if it did it would work like a venetian blind. When a Venetian blind is unfurled it is many feet long, but when it is pulled up tight it is only a couple of inches deep.

KIRK: Einstein's Venetian Blind. That works for me, thanks Spock.

SPOCK: What is happening?

BONES: He invited the scantily clad green Alien to use his trailer to shower all her paint off.

KIRK: And the women really go crazy for a bit of Trek techno bollocks.

SULU: Tiberius.

KIRK: You bet Sulu.

THEY ALL MOVE OFF TO THE SET

BONES: (ASIDE TO SPOCK) Don't worry Leonard. It will be over soon. Next year we can get back to popper acting safe in the knowledge no one will ever remember Star Trek.

A really good week - all nailed the voices, with strong characters, and funny lines, Again i find it hard to choose - but i go for Gappy for

"Yes, though I think that only works for houses. Not a Subaru Impreza Sports Sedan."

And it's Gappy for me. Loved the line about painting over the smell of the carpet and the ending was great.

Crindy for me, the dialogue's a good balance between realism and satiric exaggeration.

Gappy

Yep, think gappy gets the point this week. Nice and snappy.