This is nothing more than an exercise in dialogue so its not for everyone.
GED
How long has it been now?
TED
Just going on half an hour
GED
It just seems longer when you can't get a signal on your phone
TED
That's because we're in the middle of nowhere
GED
No, we're not we've just past a factory?
TED
That was a milk processing plant. They have to be in the middle of nowhere, that's where the cows are
GED
I'm having a word with the ticket collector to try and find out what the holdup is?
TED
Waste of time they won't know anything
GED
They could have been talking to the driver
TED
They can't get into the driver; they have to be locked in these days because of hijackers.
GED
That's just planes
TED
It's everything now!
GED
We're on the half three to Huddersfield, who's taking that over?
TED
They're still locked in
GED
Then where does the ticket collector go when they're not checking tickets?
TED
I'm not arsed
GED
They used to sit with the driver on a special little drop down seat
TED
Yeah, in the Ladybird book of trains
GED
They have to go somewhere they can't just sit next to a passenger and start freaking them out
TED
Why would you be freaked out if the ticket collector sat next to you?
GED
You'd have everyone looking at you thinking you're being 'Held' because you never had a ticket, or you've done something pervy?
TED
Being held? They're ticket collectors not the Border Force Agency
GED
Well, they must rest somewhere
TED
The way things are these days the poor bastards probably have to take their break in the bog
GED
That's not very hygienic for the passengers, is it?
TED
How do you think they feel while they're eating their ham & egg sandwich
SFX TANNOY ANNOUNCEMENT
"We apologise for the delay. There has been an incident further up the line and we are currently awaiting advisement"
GED
'Awaiting advisement'? What's that supposed to mean?
TED
It's just a phrase
GED
Is it f**k . They normally say things like 'Sorry for the delay, we should be moving shortly'
TED
That's roughly what they said
GED
No, they never, they said they're 'Awaiting Advisement'
TED
What's the difference?
GED
'Awaiting Advisement' that sounds more like the first line out of the 'How to keep passengers calm amid a disaster' Handbook
TED
'Amid a disaster'? That sounds more like something out of a handbook
GED
So, we're agreed its fishy?
TED
Here we go!
GED
What do mean, here we go?
TED
Every time something goes slightly wrong, you start all this guff
GED
It's not guff, it's a sixth sense all the men in my family have it
TED
Good for them
GED
My great grandad turned down a free ticket on the Titanic three times because the hairs on the back of his neck started playing up !
TED
I doubt that! Those tickets would have been like gold dust. People would have counted themselves lucky if they got offered once, never mind three times.
GED
Well, he did!
TED
Why would they offer him a free ticket anyway? They had people queueing up clutching good money to get on the maiden voyage
GED
He worked on it as a riveter
TED
The Titanic must have had about ten million rivets in it. If they handed out free tickets to everyone who worked on it, the thing would have sunk before it left the dock!
GED
He put the last one in
TED
Well, he didn't do a very good job did he?
SFX ANNOUNCEMENT
Once again we apologise for the delay which we are advised is 'On Going' In the meantime the refreshment trolley will be serving free hot drinks"
TED
Well if they're free I might as well push the boat out and have large latte
GED
You don't get it do you?
TED
What I'll be getting is a free latte
GED
Somethings definitely up! This lot don't just start throwing free teas and coffees around unless its serious!
TED
You really need to get out more, a free drink's not a big deal honestly
GED
It is for this lot. I read somewhere that it's only the sales from the trolleys that are keeping half these train companies going
TED
They are a bit pricey I'll give you that
GED
With what this lot charge for a bag of salt & vinegar crisps we should all be sporting round on Bullet trains and being served by robots
TED
Well at least I'll enjoy my free latte
GED
You do know that hot drinks are the first thing that they use to treat people for shock after a disaster!
TED
Everyone does
GED
They reckon that the Red Cross carry more flasks of sweet tea than bandages and I read somewhere that Swiss Doctors want St Bernard Dogs to be fitted with thermos flasks instead of rum barrels
TED
What is it you read, the Crackpot Herald?
GED
Don't kid yourself that lot are probably in the bog right now putting six sugars in all the cups
TED
You need to wind your neck in. Don't you think that we'd know if we've just been in a disaster? ?
GED
What if it has happened yet? What if there's something out of control just hurtling down the track toward us as we speak
TED
They'd hardly be dishing out hot drinks if that was the case would they. They wouldn't want people getting scalded on top of whatever it is you that you think's heading toward us
GED
I suppose not
TED
See calm down, you're just getting worked up over nothing again
GED
I suppose so. If was the driver and I knew something was coming, I wouldn't be offering free drinks I'd be on all fours climbing up that embankment with the ticket collector and the trolley jockey right behind me!
TED
Exactly
SFX TROLLEY
SERVER
(Sweet)
Would either of you like a free tea or coffee?
TED
I'll have a latte please... no sugar
SERVER
They all come without sir. Sugars sold separately in sachets
TED
Thank you, have you any idea what the delay is?
SERVER
From what I could make out from what the driver told me through the door there's a cow on the line a few miles up
TED
A cow on the line?
SERVER
It happens a lot on this route, we're classed as a 'Rural line'
GED
The way that driver announced it I thought it was something more serious.
SERVER
(serious)
Anything on the track is serious!
GED
(defensive)
No one's saying it's not! But we've been here for over forty minutes. How long does it take to chase a cow off the tracks? You wave a coat at it and its off back into its field. You'd think they'd know that on a 'Rural Line'
SERVER
(Dead Pan)
The cow will be dead sir they always are, the tracks fully electrified.
TED
That 'Rural Line' tag just took a nosedive on the quaint front
GED
So how long does it take to move a dead one?
SERVER
The problem usually is that they can't get the lifting gear out because of the width of the track. So, they have to dissect the animal trackside with a chainsaw and then bag the parts up. After that they have to jet wash the blood off the tracks and stones.
TED
I can see why the driver never mentioned that over the speakers
SERVER
Would you like a drink sir?
GED
I'll have a large tea oh and a pack of those custard creams please .I'm a bit of a dunker
SERVER
Certainly sir, that will be four pounds
GED
I thought everything was free was free?
SERVER
The hot drinks are but the biscuits aren't
GED
That's a pound a biscuit. I can get a full pack for a seventy five pence at my corner shop and he's a robbing bast...
SERVER
You are getting table service on a high speed train sir
GED
(Scoffs)
High speed train, you said yourself it's a rural line and we've been sat here for half an hour
SERVER
Do want them or not sir!
GED
Go on I've seen them now
SFX TROLLEY EXITS
GED
I can't believe these were four quid
TED
You could have said no and just waited till we got off
GED
What and starve to death! We could be here for hours. Anyway I hate a baldy tea, I always need a biscuit with it
SFX: TRAIN STARTS
TED
Here we go they must have cut through that cow like a hot knife through butter
GED
(sheepish)
Do you reckon I could get a refund for these because we've started moving? I haven't opened the pack or anything
TED
You seriously need to start seeing someone professional you really do. And I'm not talking an hour a week in a community centre. You need to fly out to somewhere and see someone who has a goatee beard, a clipped accent and halfmoon pince-nez glasses!
GED
What have I done? I'm not that bad
TED
Two minutes ago, you were allegedly stirring imminent death in the face. And now you want to know if you can get a refund off a packet of custard crèams!
GED
I wouldn't be surprised if the whole thing was ploy. They just park up somewhere that they know has no wi-fi coverage and just wait till everyone gets bored out of their brains. Then hand out free drinks and make a killing on the side snacks
TED
That's what happened, the whole thing was a scam I bet the cow was even in on it
GED
What cow? We never saw it! We only got told about it. And no one can quiz them because they tell you up front that they jet washed the crime scene!
TED
What crime scene?
GED
Exactly! I wouldn't be surprised if the driver was stocking the trolley himself with stuff he gets from a cash & carry. The trolley jockey's probably taking a cut as well. Come to think of it those crisps look like they were part of a multi-pack and selling them separately is an offence for starters, it says so on the outer bag
TED
I give up I really do
GED
Where are you going?
TED
To sit in the bog with the ticket collector
END
