The Three Doctors

A middle-aged man [SIMPSON] walks into a doctor's surgery.
He's a surprised to see the medic flanked by Tim Martin and Michael O'Leary.

SIMPSON: Oh, sorry doctor - I thought you were ready for me.

DOCTOR: No, come on in Mr. Simpson - sit down please.

The patient nods warily at the shovel faced publican and the wiry little Irishman.

DOCTOR: So, what exactly is the problem?

SIMPSON: It's a little personal, actually.

DOCTOR: Oh, don't mind them - it's new government policy whereby the opinions of the travel and hospitality industries are given equal weight to that of trained doctors - think of it as second, and third opinion - you should be grateful!

SIMPSON: Ok, if you're sure... It's just I've got these spots on my penis..

O'LEARY: Can I suggest a weekend in Paris??

TIM: Or how about a pint - maybe two or three? Couple of chasers?

SIMPSON: How do you think I got the blasted spots in the first place?

DOCTOR: Well, as a doctor I would suggest a course of antibiotics...

TIM: I would strongly advise against that - you're not allowed to drink on those.

DOCTOR: Well, a fortnight's rest, then

O'LEARY: A fortnight's holiday might be better.

SIMPSON: Look, I'm not convinced everyone here has my best interests at heart.

DOCTOR: I assure you, the patient is always our No.1 priority.

TIM: Dead people can't drink, for one thing.

O'LEARY: Plus a coffin takes up a whole row - that's me down three seats.

SIMPSON: Right - I'm going now - and I'll take that prescription doctor, if you don't mind.

TIM: But have you thought of the mental health implications?

SIMPSON: Who's mental health?

TIM: Mine, you selfish git - it's doing my nut in losing all this money.

SIMPSON: Bollocks to the lot of you!

Simon marches out of the surgery - Tim & O'Leary look grumpily at each other.

TIM: I thought the new guy said he was going to sort this shit out!

At this point SAJID JAVID sticks his round he door

SAJID: Could I have a word outside, doctor?

The doctor follows him out of the office.

SFX: GUNSHOT

The two men smile at each other, then shove their chairs up together.

O'LEARY: Next patient, please!

The only non potential line in the whole thing is the shooting, as a knife in the back is more their style.

Know what you mean!
I wanted it to happen off-stage, though.

I know you were cornered by the need for an SFX , nice sketch that.

If this were skit comp, you might garner my vote solely for "The patient nods warily at the shovel faced publican".

Quote: gappy @ 4th July 2021, 6:27 PM

If this were skit comp, you might garner my vote solely for "The patient nods warily at the shovel faced publican".

I'll take that.
Even made me smile, that bit.

It is one to savour.

I swear I heard a gunshot during the press briefing today....

Nice premise, enjoyed that one