Three of the world's top restaurant critics are blind judging three mains with desserts.
The first chef Andre De'glacier comes in and the judges stand and applaud .
CRITIC 1
Andre, we sensed that this was one of your creations , all I can say is 'Magnifique'.
CRITIC 2
The lamb was sublime, and the Alpine potato was simply breath-taking.
CRITIC 3
As you're the only 5 star Michelin chef in the world we would be delighted if you expand on your process for us mere mortals.
ANDRE
The lamb was 4 months old exactly and was reared on fresh mint. Its name was Jean Luc, and it was stroked by the farmer for exactly eight hours each day. As we didn't want to bruise the meat Jean Luc was frightened to death by a wolf brought in from Estonia by helicopter . The Alpine potatoes were of course collected from the highest point by a trained Eagle and as you could see its talon marks on each potato was used to funnel the sauce down its sides and onto the plate. The sauce itself was a simple blend of Peruvian walnuts, Arabian dates and of course a pinch of 24 carat gold.
While the dessert was a simple Andalusian pear that was poached in cognac for three months.
The Critics clap like seals.
The next chef Waki Hakido enters after his meal has been sampled and again the CRITICS stand to applaud.
CRITIC 1
Waki no one could see that dish and not know that the master himself had prepared it.
CRITIC 2
Sublime simply sublime!
CRITIC 3
I have never tasted fish like that, could you talk us through your work.
WAKI
The fish I used is a cousin of the carp and is only found in two private ponds in Honshu. The knife I used to slice it while it was still alive was made by 'Hirtho' a master sword smith to the Emperors of Japan since 1290 . And the kelp on which it was served on is from off the coast of an uninhabited island known only to 30 people. In fact it was taken down from Google Earth at the request of our government.
The dessert was simply 11 grapes that were grown in a temple vineyard and then transported each one in their own hand made box and carried individually by Warrior Monks from the temple.
Again the CRITIC stand and applaud.
The CRITICS sample the third meal as Fat Eddy from Knotty Ash walks in. On this occasion the CRITICS remain seated and bang the table rather than applaud, One has taken his tie off and all three are now shoeless.
CRITIC 1
I have never in my life enjoyed a meal like that in my life!
CRITIC 2
I don't know what to say I can't stop smiling.
CRITIC 3
What in god's name was that? I've never been more impressed.
FAT EDDY
It's called Scouse I got all the ingredients from Asda. I went around about half five sixish so most of the stuff was discounted. I cooked it for four hours in the family pan on a low light. Then once it was ready to serve up I added my 'Magic Flourish'
CRITIC 1
But what in heavens name was in the dessert , and that little wooden spoon superb.
FAT EDDY
That was a Feast lolly ice, it melted because I left it by the Scouse . So I just threw it in a bowl and then stirred it with the stick.
CRITIC 2
It was way heartier than my usual fare, yet I ate it all, how do you explain that?
FAT EDDY
It's all down to my Magic Flourish which is a pinch of both salt and pepper and a quarter ounce of Skunk cannabis.
CRITIC 3
Can I have another bowl of it please?
