F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Otterfox, Gappy and Playfullllllllllllllll for shingling. PM me with a new slut sposa please. Meanwhilst...
Otterfox 2
Gappy 2
Playfull 2

Next natterjerk: Holiday
Leg closed: 8.4.21
Runners are nowt...

Position Score Name
1 5 Otterfox
2 4 Gappy
3 2 Playfull
4 1 Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwh

1: Good Christmas?

2: Yeah, pretty good. You know, turkey and booze. You?

1: Same. Except I don't like turkey. All in all, pretty good. Except...

2: Oh, yeah, obviously, that.

1: No white Christmas.

2: No white Christmas. Bloody green Christmas outside my window.

1: Grey Christmas for me. But that's because I've paved over the garden.

2: Sad, though. Yet another year without a white Christmas. Still, we can always look forward to the big one.

1: Oh, yes, the big one. [BEAT] Wait, and by the big one, you mean...?

2: Drizzle on Maundy Thursday.

1: Oh, right! Drizzle on Maundy Thursday, course. Though, for some people, the big one might mean hail on the festival of the epiphany.

2: Oh, yes, for the complete noobs. It's like, "Oh, oh, I've been into church calendar weather for ages, I really love hail on the festival of the epiphany".

1: Oh, yeah, I'm not saying I'm one of those people who likes hail on the festival of the epiphany. Huh, I'm a bit more cultured than that.

2: Right!

1: Though...actually...hail on the festival of the epiphany isn't bad. [QUICKLY] If there's nothing else on, obviously.

2: Hey, live and let live, I say. It's all liturgical precipitation. It's all good. Have hail on the festival of the epiphany if you must. But we connoisseurs will look out for the beauty of scattered showers throughout Candlemas. Or stair-rods on ascension day.

1: Or mist on Yom Kippur.

2: Well, you're just being stupid now.

Greta's Holiday.

Greta's Agent: I hear you're making a feature length documentary about climate change and you're looking for a lead presenter. Obviously there's only one contender for it!

Documentary Maker: Well yes, we'd really like Greta to front this film as she is 'the face of climate change activism'. There is one slight problem we have with her doing it, though.

G A: What's that?

D M: Her face.

G A: Hey don't be mean, she has Asperger's OCD, man.

D M: Yes I know all that, but this is major promotional film, we need someone who er doesn't look so misera...er serious all the time. We know that to engage an audience you have look relaxed and smile a bit. We're er not sure Great can do that for a whole 90 minutes. Sorry.

G A: Hey man, there's no one more into saving the planet than her!

D M: Hmm, yeah okay look, if you can get her to us for the filming in a relaxed and happy mood, then she's got the gig.

G A: Okay you're on.

D M: So what about if we pay for a holiday for her? She's bound to be due one, with all the hard campaigning she does.

G A: Hmm, okay, as long as it's carbon neutral, yeah?

D M: Er, yes I'm sure that won't be a problem, ahem. How old is she now, by the way?

G A: She's eighteen.

D M: Ah, okay, hmm...

BLUE PETER ARE FILMING A LIVE PREVIEW OF THE DOCUMOVIE AS FILM CREW AWAITS ARRIVAL OF THEIR STAR PRESENTER

BLUE PETER PRESENTER: Okay, I'm told by the director that the star of this film, the girl who has made the whole world sit up and listen, is just arriving. Wow! Here she comes folks. Is that her on the bicycle?

D M: Er no, that's my eight year old daughter.

SFX: DEAFINING NOISE OF JET PLANE LANDING JUST BEHIND THEM

D M: Here she is.

A SUNTANNED GRETA HOLDING HANDS WITH BOY BOTH WEARING CLUB 18-30 HATS AND GRINNING WIDELY APPROACHES

D M: Oh great, she's smiling, and she looks fab! Roll those cameras! Greta, tell us about your great crusade to save our planet, what's the latest you have for us?

GRETA: Oh that. Yeah well, that was okay back then, but now I've realised there's other things in life, you know.

BOYFRIEND: Yeah we're getting married in Vegas on Saturday, this ain't gonna take long is it? Only we got a private jet booked.

BLUE PETER PRESENTER: Cut, cut, cut!

A FARMERS HOLIDAY.

FARMER (Neddy) RETURNS HOME LADEN DOWN WITH SUITCASES.

NEDDY:
That's it! That's the last time I ever go on holidays. Too many things are happening. It's just not worth it. I'll have to set up some sort of, I dunno, anti-happening system. I'm going to ring the helpline.

NEDDY LOOKS AT HIS DOG WHO'S LOOKING AT HIM STRANGELY.

NEDDY:
What do you mean what helpline? The only one that works.

NEDDY (ON PHONE):
Hi, my name is Neddy Packjacket, can I be put through to the helpline please....to help me. A line....a helpline....just one line is all I need. One line of help. A helpline if you will. H-E-L-P- Hello!

KATE:
Hi, you're speaking with Kate on the helpline.

NEDDY:
Hi Kate, yeah, I'm in need of help. A lonely farmers post-holiday help.

KATE:
Yes you're through to the correct department, now what is the concern?

NEDDY:
I can't go on holidays anymore.

KATE:
Have you forgotten how?

NEDDY:
No, no I-

KATE:
Oh, you're the farmer who rang the minute he got home from holidays last year to say that his curtains had been poisoned.

NEDDY:
No, that was two years ago. Last year I noticed my dogs walking around on two legs when they thought I wasn't looking.

KATE:
Oh yes, how could we forget. So what is it this year; a camel stole all your shoelaces? Your hens are laying boiled eggs?

NEDDY:
No. I feel an external inner pressure that I need to create a song that can be used to send jockeys to sleep.

KATE:
Oh sweet Jesus! Right! And who do you feel is putting pressure on you?

NEDDY:
Most people I meet; Tom down the road, Betty at the country market, Gerry who repairs the perimeter fence.

KATE:
What do they say?

NEDDY:
It's not so much what they say, it's more of a mental inquisition. They take turns and sit me down mentally and ask me the questions.

KATE:
A mental sit down? This is your best one yet Mr. Packjacket.

NEDDY:
Thank you.

KATE:
It wasn't really a compliment. Now, did you ever hear of things that you think happened not actually having happened at all?

NEDDY:
Yeah?

KATE:
Well I think that's rife here.

NEDDY:
Well then how come it is happening..... Like why do the squirrels dance in unison every time I boil the kettle after a holiday?

KATE:
Alright, let's change tack. Where did you go on holidays?

NEDDY:
Same place I always go, Haiti.

KATE:
Haiti and would you have dabbled in the black arts at all?

NEDDY:
Do you mean cow shit?

KATE:
No, I don't mean cow sh- I mean voodoo.

NEDDY:
How did we get talking about voodoo? I want to know why I feel pressure to create a lullaby for jockeys.

KATE:
Have you ever thought that you might just be imagining it?

NEDDY:
No. I have to say that notion never struck me at all.

KATE:
Well maybe you could consider it now.

NEDDY:
But I don't want to. I want to help send jockeys to sleep.

KATE:
Well if you actually want to do it you don't need my help.

NEDDY:
Hmm, I suppose you're right. I think it should be a gentle number. (SINGING) Oh sweet little jockeys it's time for your nap and yes you can stay in your jodhpurs and cap.

KATE:
Okay, thanks for phoning. Bye now! (Mutters) Idiot.

NEDDYS FACE CONTORTS TO A WICKED DEMEANOUR AND HIS EYES START GLOWING RED.

END.

INSIDE A TENT. A TANNED SUITED MAN SITS BEHIND A DESK ADDRESSING A BRITISH COUPLE AND THEIR SON. ALL DRESSED FOR THE BEACH.

MRS: We don't normally complain [ MR TRIES TO CONTAIN HIS SUPRISE] but our tent is supposed to have an en suit, with running water !

REP: You're by a stream aren't you ?

MRS: But where's the toilet ?

REP: You're right next to a tree and shrub; men's and women's facilities, what more do you want ?

MRS: Are you serious ?

REP: I never joke about shrubs Madam.

MRS: And there's only room for a double bed in the tent, don't you have something bigger ?

REP: [SIGHS] We've already upgraded you from our Executive suite to our Honeymoon suit. That's the biggest tent on site. Most other tents have bunk beds, if that. Some tents don't even have canvas.

MRS: And then there's all the noise ! It's like a building site at times.

REP: Noise ?

SOUND OF AN EXPLOSION OUTSIDE

REP: Oh that. Well they're carrying out demolition work at the local village. It won't be going on much long, it's not a big village [BEAT] any more.

MRS: What about the food ? Every time we've gone to the buffet there's nothing left.

REP: Did not the son of your God feed five thousand with just five loaves and two fishes ?

MR: True, but in reality there would have been five portion of chips as well. Must have been.

REP: We provide three times that for only four thousand, so being three times more generous
than the son of God, is surely enough.

THEIR SON FALLS SIDEWAS OFF HIS CHAIR

REP: Malnutrition ?

MR: No, he had a dodgy Snickers McFlurry and also eight Oreo McFlurrys. That tree will be well fertilised by the time we leave, I can tell you. Thing is we paid for fully inclusive, so we resent having to eat off site.

MRS: Then there's the lack of privacy in the showers.

REP: But in the shower you're shoulder deep in the sewag..., er shower pit.

MRS: Well the man holding the watering can can see and it took three hours queuing. When I got to the front I'd forgotten my soap.

REP: But there are traders selling soap to the people queuing.

MR: [CHUCKLING] Oh, that's why you were frothing at the mouth, I guess you didn't need that rabies injection after all.

MRS: It was a massive needle.

MR: I'm not sure if that's a complement or not.

MRS: Ahhh, this is the holiday from Hell !

REP: Look Madam, I do think you're being a bit unreasonable here.

MRS: [IRATE] Unreasonable ! Me ? Unbelievable, how very dare you !

REP: The thing is, people don't normally expect a free holiday when they donate to the Syrian refugee camp.

MRS: Oh that reminds me, do you have any free bumper or window stickers ?

KITCHEN IN A COUNCIL HOUSE SOMWHERE UP NORTH. KEVIN (30's) IS SEATED AT HIS TABLE. TWO 'HEAVIES' ARE LOOKING AT HIM.

BONE: Sorry about the front door Kevin.

KEVIN: I honestly didn't hear you knocking.

BONE: Well, you wouldn't from the back of the cupboard, would you?

CRUSHER: Sorry about the cupboard Kevin.

BONE: Crusher was worried about you. He could hear you whimpering through the letterbox. So out of concern for our customers welfare we let ourselves in.

KEVIN: It's not a collection day. I panicked when I saw you coming up the drive.

BONE: We are not here to collect. We are here with some good news.

KEVIN: What news? (LOOKING FROM ONE TO ANOTHER).

BONE: Chardonnay, the boss's daughter is coming into the firm. She is taking over the loan business. And as a gesture of good will she is giving everyone a repayment holiday!

KEVIN: (BEAT) That's great news. When is it?

BONE: (LOOKING AT HIS WATCH) That was it.

KEVIN: What! I don't...

BONE: That saved you about £35.

KEVIN: £35! I owe over £45,000. I only borrowed a couple of hundred. I was worried about losing my wife. I wanted to treat her. Now I just want her back.

BONE: And I told you, you can have her back when you pay your loan off. Anyway, whilst we are here we might as well collect this week's money.

KEVIN: But I haven't got it.

CRUSHER: Oh dear,

KEVIN: This Chardonnay sounds nice? Maybe I could talk to her, explain what happened.

CRUSHER: Nah, She's an evil cow. Her dad Mad Frankie is scared to death of her.

BONE: (SCOWLS AT CRUSHER) What my colleague means, is that Chardonnay is very focused on the bottom line. And not so worried about the customers 'snap, crackle and pop'.

(KEVIN LOOKS PERPLEXED)

CRUSHER: Tendons, bones and dislocations.

KEVIN: Oh.

BONE: So, what is it Kevin, can't pay or won't pay?

(CRUSHER PULLS ON A PAIR OF GLOVES)

CRUSHER: Lets get this over with.

KEVIN: (LOOKING PAST CRUSHER OWN THE HALL) Ah, here's my son.

BONE: Well, let's hope he has brought his credit cards.

KEVIN: He's here for a little holiday. Keen to see his mum. Lovely, looks like he has brought his whole para's squad. Fancy a bit of 'snap crackle and pop' boys.

[WWWWWH is on holiday this week, but hopes two of his more experienced sketch characters can still execute a simple premise under supervision of the BCG community]

INT. A SCHOOL. DAY. BUT INDOORS SO COULD JUST BE THEY HAVE THE LIGHTS ON.

KNOCK ON DOOR

DUNLOP: Headmaster!

HEAD: Kevin Harold Dunlop, drama teacher and godfather to my seven children! Are you having a good day teaching lessons in school?

DUNLOP; No I am having a very bad day teaching lessons in school hence m
y coming to see you. Shall I get to the point?
HEAD; no let us just chat aimlessly for a bit even though I am a very busy m
an
DUNLOP: OK - can we, er, chat about the fact the car park is full of goats?

HEAD: Yes - it's completely rammed!

DUNLOP: And one of them is repeatedly headbutting your BMW?

HEAD: Yes - it's really got my goat!

DUNLOP: So what do you want to do about...

HEAD: Doing a ewe-turn!

DUNLOP: I'm not sure we're really progressing the situation here.

FX: BANG!

SIMPKINS: Sir! Sir! Come quick, sir! Teacher's exploded!

HEAD: What? That's patently ridiculous. Oh well, I suppose we'd better go and investigate.

DUNLOP: What about the goats?

HEAD: Sorry, I'm afraid we're going to have to abandon your original premise and deal with this one now. You know, Simpkins, I kind of wish you'd come in two minutes ago so we could have dispensed with all the goat nonsense.

DUNLOP: No one was forcing you...

HEAD: Butt out, Dunlop! Like a goat. Coroner Gordon! Fancy seeing you here.

CORONER: This man is dead. Cause of death: really needing a holiday.

HEAD: Too late now, he's exploded, imploded, mal-odoured, Anna Kournikovad, his organs are expos-ed.

CORONER: And he couldn't go abroad because of covid.

HEAD: Oh, covid's a thing, is it? Normally we just kind of ignore it.

CORONER: And everyone knows that if a middle-class person can't go abroad on holiday for long enough... they explode.

DUNLOP: Where? I mean, who? I mean, why? I mean, how? I mean, when? I mean, what can be done about it?

CORONER: Well, there's carbon offsetting, where you burn enough trees to offset the environmental damage you would have caused by flying...

HEAD: An intriguing if cumbersome concept, but I fear an escalation of our situation is imminent.

FX: BANG!

SIMPKINS: Mrs Drysdale!

FX: BANG!

SIMPKINS: My ballooooon!!!

HEAD: Just two? Unsatisfying. Or are we counting the one from earlier?

DUNLOP: Aren't you scared? You're a headteacher, surely you're middle class.

HEAD: No, I'm working class.

DUNLOP: Really?

HEAD: Of course. Can't you tell by my regional accent?

EXT. NIGHT.

DUNLOP: You know you were mixing up goat and sheep back then?

HEAD: That's the joke!

Firkin nearly got it for the 'Syrian refugee camp.' reveal. But i have to go with the Fox for the shear consistency of his madcap vision.

Despite Wwwwwwwwh admitting he's serving up frozen food, I'm a sucker for a good ram pun, so that's my vote. Also liked Playful's story telling and Alfred's style, in fact they all had merit.

The wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwws have it.

Sometimes the "f**k it, I don't know what to write" sketches are the best. As are the "Heh heh, I know exactly what to write but will pretend I'm just making up shite" sketches. Whichever W Boy has entered, it gets my vote. Seriously there are a lot of VERY close seconds this time, though.

A topic that should inspire some strong ideas and it certainly did, but it also deserved more than six entries. Like all of them in some way but the one that amused me most was Otterfox's, although I'm not sure I know why. other than I'll always go for funny over clever. Good week though.

I liked Firkins Syrian twist, wwwwwwh's self aware sketch idea but Playfull gets my vote this week. A lovely concept and executed very well.

I'll vote for Firkin for that undeniably strong premise, though some good character work as ever from Playfull.