Yes. C**tgtasulazioningd to Tiggy for shinking against. PM myself with a new slut please. Meanwhereas...
Next slapperjack: Books.
Leg closed: 4.10.20
Runners are nowt...
Score Position Name
11 1 Tiggy
8 2 Gappy
7 3 Playfull, Me
5 4 Thief of bad gags
2 5 Patrick
1 6 Altlapel
DIRTY DEN
UNIVERSITY LIBRARY.
PROFESSOR.
PROFESSOR (reading... Looks up. Has a bad speech impediment) Good evening, and welcome to my den of literature. My name is Roger A. Deane, and I am Emeritus professor of literature, folklore and comparative pornography at the University of Camford, Essex, England, Europe. Tonight it is my honour and privilege to discuss that elusive yet paradoxically ubiquitous giant of modern American letters, (shows book) J D Salinger - also known as J. D. Salinger - or JDSalinger; best known for his angst-ridden and traumatic portrayal of angst and trauma in those traumatic, angst-ridden teenage years, in the traumatised, angst-ridden, traumatic figure of The Catcher in the Rye. I have perused the slim body of work Salinger has generously shared with the reading public, and I have come to the conclusion that it is total and utter f**king shit. F**k me, does it suck! I mean for f**k's sake, you write one book - one measly, weasly, lemon-squeezily lickle buke, I mean Shakespeare had plays coming out of his arse, and yours is hardly the bloody Divina Commedia is it? And ok, it's not bad, but a slightly f**ked-up semi-pubescent worried Mummy and daddy mightn't welcome him back to their 6532-billion-dollar 'apartment'? There are kids starving in India, you bloody blinkered bastardy bugger! And three days in the life of a sixteen-year-old and not one wank? Doesn't flick his bean at least once, yeah right, I mean, hello? And whatcha do then, nine stories in a book and you call it - duh! Spaz! - '9 Stories', well f**k me, it's Schopenhauer! And one's about Bananafish, you on drugs or something, even bloody Nirvana never got that f**ked up. And then you do absolutely f**k all for thirty years except ONE SHORT STORY with a stupid name and EVERYONE thinks it's shit - the critics think it's shit, the scholars think it's shit, your own mother thinks it's shit, so it probably IS shit - but you honestly expect us at Camford to believe you're sat at home doing the mantra and knocking out masterpiece after masterpiece, not just watching Desperate Housewives and jerking off occasionally like everyone else? Well f**k you Salinger, you arrogant, self-important, self-obsessed, beyond deluded, mind-numbingly overrated, brain-f**kingly underachieving little prick!
PAUSE.
Next week, I'll be discussing the haunting and indeed haunted poetess Sylvia Plath, and asking the question that has intrigued all scholars since her tragic suicide at merely thirty-two years of age: Why don't you f**king cheer up, you f**king miserable f**king bitch? I mean for f**k's sake, you publish six billion pomes when you're a foetus, you study at the best universities of Camford both sides of the pond, yer bonkin' Ted f**king Hughes for f**k's sake, give us a f**king smile. Typical woman innit, just moan groan gripe whine whinge, nothing's good enough for me, no man's good enough, well looked in the mirror lately, Megan f**king Fox? Turn the f**king gas up, that's what I say.
PAUSE.
Goodnight.
1: Here, try this coffee. Can you tell the difference?
2: Between what?
1: Blimey, it does work. So, what are you doing?
2: Just packaging my children's book to send to the publishers.
1: Oh, really? What's it called?
2: MegaGirl.
1: Wow, what's her superpower?
2: She doesn't have one, she just has unusually high self-esteem.
1: Oh, we could do with a book teaching youngsters some humility. Is it any good?
2: Is it! In common with all great art, it challenges. Like the Mona Lisa, which poses myriad questions: is she smiling? Is she not smiling?
1: Strictly that's the same question.
2: I wouldn't expect you to understand. Just like all the publishers who turned it down.
1: How many did you send it to?
2: I just said, all the publishers. All the British ones, anyway. That's why I've rewritten it in Greek, and am sending it their way.
1: I didn't know you could speak Greek.
2: I can't really, but there's lots of stuff online.
1: And do you find the language problem to be a problem?
2: Yes, of course, that's why they call it that. Hey, do you want to co-author my next book?
1: No way! You're a failure, and I need results!
2: Failure's a result.
1: And I don't see nearly enough of it. I need solutions, not problems.
2: You need both, otherwise you'll never have a solution.
1: Shut up! You'll never amount to anything.
2: I won't? You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar when I met you.
1: I know. You were working there too. I was your line manager: you weren't even allowed to cut up the limes without supervision. I have no idea why you keep bringing that up.
2: Because I had to work to get where I am! I studied day and night.
1: Night is the dark one.
2: Yes, actually, it didn't take as long as I was expecting, but that's not the point. Will you help me or not?
1: Yes, fine. Look, first rule of writing a book, give the reader some work to do.
2: leave the end blank?
1: No, I mean, make it a mystery, or something.
2: How about this: "You have to get to the other side of a river. You have a boat, some grain, a fox, and a flesh eating virus".
1: No, that's terrible. [Whisper] Note to self: steal that idea.
2: Fair enough. You got any more of that coffee?
1: I'll make some. Thing is, it says use 3 scoops on the packet, but it doesn;t say what to scoop it with.
2: A scoop.
1: But what size?
2: That's easy. Just work out how much coffee you want to scoop, and divide it by three.
1: Hey, that's brilliant. You should write a book.
2: Oh, I wouldn't know where to start.
1: Start with alpha, and work your way through to omega. Best way to learn Greek.
2: Oh, *that's* Greek? Probably not worth posting this package, then.
STEVE: So, what do you think? Have you read it?
ED: Not the whole thing, but I think I've read enough to get the gist.
STEVE: Never judge a book by its cover, right?
ED: Well it doesn't actually have a cover. It's just a bunch of handwritten pages stapled together. Does it have a title?
STEVE: Not really. It's my eponymously titled debut novel.
ED: I'm not sure that's a thing. What led you to write it?
STEVE: It's my NaNoWriMo. You know, quit your job, write 50,000 words, that's your novel.
ED: Yes. As a publisher, I'm painfully aware of the concept. But it's not exactly your traditional novel, dare I say?
STEVE: Wouldn't be that novel if it was!
ED: Yes, right. It's just the thing is, those 50,000 words, usually they're 50,000 different words.
STEVE: 50,000 different words? Are there even that many?
ED: Well ok, maybe not all different, but just not all the same.
STEVE: It's a motif.
ED: Right.
STEVE: Anyway, they're not all the same.
ED: I suppose there is some variation in the spelling. Is that deliberate?
STEVE: That is for the reader to decide.
ED: Hmm. I think the average reader might struggle with this. There's not a lot of, say, character development.
STEVE: Yes there is. The T's get curlier.
ED: Look, I'm a busy man. What are you hoping to get out of this meeting?
STEVE: I was hoping for a ten book deal.
ED: Ten books?!
STEVE: What, do you not think I can sell ten books? I've already copied them out for you, took me ages.
ED: I think we might be wasting our time here.
STEVE: Well why did you agree to see me in the first place then?
ED: Let me think, maybe something to do with the fact that I was told I was meeting a Mr. Stephen King.
STEVE: Oh right, yes, that's not my real name. That's my writing name.
ED: You mean a pen name.
STEVE: No, I wouldn't name a pen Stephen King, that's ridiculous. He's called Brian.
ED: Brian the pen.
STEVE: Yes. I mean they're all Brian the pen, it's not like you need to give them different names. They're just pens, for Christ's sake.
ED: Look, you cannot write novels under the name Stephen King. That name is already taken. The real Stephen King got in first.
STEVE: That is for a jury to decide.
ED: All right. Last chance - why would I ever even consider publishing a so-called novel that turns out to just be the word "ventillation" written out fifty thousand times?
STEVE: Well.... it's only a first draft.
PHONE RINGS.
MR JAMES: (ANSWERS PHONE) Hello
CALLER: Hi, am I speaking to Mr James?
MR JAMES: Yes.
CALLER: Excellent! I have some good news Mr James.
MR JAMES: You aren't trying to sell me something are you.
CALLER: Noooo. I just wanted to tell you about the 50% discount you have been awarded.
MR JAMES: Discount on what?
CALLER: Everyone loves a bargain.
MR JAMES: What bargain?
CALLER: That is right Mr James, 'what a bargain.' If we can schedule a delivery date today then I am authorised to apply the 50% discount as agreed.
MR JAMES: I have not agreed to anything.
CALLER: Technically that is not true. Do you remember a previous call when you implicitly agreed to accept the instalment plan,
Mr JAMES: Nonsense! When was this call?
CALLER: Let me see...August.
MR JAMES: August?
CALLER: 1972.
MR JAMES: What! There are laws about this sort of thing.
CALLER: Ah, you have heard about consumer protection legislation?
MR JAMES: Yes, I have heard about it.
CALLER: Well I am afraid they haven't in the seventies. And Consumer protection isn't retrospective. During the call in August 1972 you did not explicitly refuse the instalment plan 3 times, which according to our published terms and conditioned constituted an implicit agreement. A legally binding agreement.
MR JAMES: Why are you ringing me up now?
CALLER: Well, we were clearing the office and your paperwork was found behind the old phone/fax machine.
MR JAMES: Good God... What is it you think I have bought?
CALLER: You are the proud owner of a 42-volume set of the Encyclopaedia Britannica.
MR JAMES: How much?
CALLER: £90
MR JAMES: Well that is a little better than I thought.
CALLER: Per volume.
MR JAMES: Anyway, I can't tell you how happy I am you rang.
CALLER: What?
MR JAMES: BT are always contacting us about a call on an open line. Someone called us in the 70's on a withheld number and didn't replace the receiver properly. Apparently It has been racking up premium rate charges 2/47 ever since. I am sure they will be really keen to talk to you.
(SOUND OF PHONE HANGING UP)
MRS JAMES: Who was that dear?
MR JAMES: Wrong number, someone called J R Heartly, asking about a book on fly fishing.
MRS JAMES: That's a bit random.
Mr JAMES: Umm, might have made a better sketch than this one though...
Wwwwhelcum to our newest c**tributer.
Playfull again.
Wwwwh might have a slightly annoying name, but they've written a good, gag-packed sketch, so they get my vote this week (and welcome!)
It took me a second to realise that Playfull's MR JAMES was not vintage macabre writer M R James, so I was a bit muddled for a while!
Wwwwh For me. Nice to see a new face. Although technically i can't see you and i don't know if you even have a face.
Gappy, sorry for throwing you with the name, but similarly i was left wondering by the line "Blimey it works" near the beginning of the sketch. I was waiting for that line to be paid off/explained. Am i being a bit thick here?
Quote: playfull @ 6th October 2020, 11:10 AMWwwwh For me. Nice to see a new face. Although technically i can't se you and i don't know if you even have a face.
Gappy, sorry for throwing you with the name, but similarly i was left wondering by the line "Blimey it works" near the beginning of the sketch. I was waiting for that line to be paid off/explained. Am i being a bit thick here?
The joke is not clear enough, you're entirely right, and not thick. It should probably be something like
-The advert says that with this new coffee you won't be able to tell the difference
-Between what?
-Wow! It works like they said!
Still a dumbarse joke.
Quote: gappy @ 6th October 2020, 11:49 AMStill a dumbarse joke.
No, the joke works perfectly well with the extra set up.
Thanks everyone for the warm welcome. Gappy for me, even if I didn't get the coffee joke either.