I rang the police this morning to report a murder on the field behind my house.

I was on the phone for twenty minutes being passed from department to department until finally they told me they have no jurisdiction over crows.

Very good

More women in court. Jury's dick shun.

The doctor asked me if I ever thought I might have a problem with alcohol.

I said I never thought that but I do know I have a problem WITHOUT it.

I have a problem with masturbation. I have to wait five minutes before I can do it again.

After twenty years' struggling against alcoholism, I'm proud to say I've finally given up. Given up struggling.

I'm still enjoying sex at 63..

I live at 61

I have a friend who's a nun and she takes a cold shower every morning.

She does it out of habit .

I'm still enjoying sex in 69.

Gloria Estefan has made an album about Labour and the Conservatives. C**ts both ways.

I knew my sex life was dead when I asked out Kojak. And he said, Not tonight, I'm washing my hair.

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 26th August 2020, 11:31 AM

I asked out Kojak..

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You were trying to get on telly (or vice versa).

What's the difference between Moses and Kojak? Moses went round with Aaron.

As soon as conditions permit, my new show at the Edinburgh Festival will be on. It's called 'Reverse Psychology'.

Do not come and see it. Just DON'T.

I have a recurring dream about Melanie C. My psychologist says it represents my subliminal desires. For Melanie C.

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 27th August 2020, 4:38 PM

I have a recurring dream about Melanie C. My psychologist says it represents my subliminal desires. For Melanie C.

View original

Why doesn't this get greyed out as being off-topic. IE - not a joke!