When I was 7 my father ejaculated on the back of my head. I was just wet behind the ears.

An old friend said to me "Are you still a gynecologist?".
I said ,"Yeah, well you've got to keep your hand in".

Have a wanky. Might come in handy.

Instead of going out into the lovely sunshine today, I built an altar on my kitchen table, lit some black candles and slaughtered a goat.

We all have to make sacrifices

What's the difference between Jesus and Coronavirus? Jesus disappeared for three days.

The rumours about me drinking tea from a magic cup are not true.

I'm a saucerer

My neighbour has an illegal flea farm.
I'm itching to report him.

Two fleas had a race to the middle of my shirt. Ended in a tie.
Two fleas had a race to a sketch pad. Ended in a draw.
Two fleas had a race to a political system. Ended in tiers.

Not strictly a joke, but a remark I truly made to my boss.
"When people ask me what I do for a living, I tell them that I star in hardcore gay porn movies- cuz I'm too embarrassed to say that I work here".

Come and see. That's porn in reverse.

A leopard came to the bar and paid a euro for a cappuccino. When he left, the waiter realised it was only 90 cents and told his boss. His boss said, Don't worry. A leopard never spots its change.

A homosexual, a muslim, and a paedophile walk into a bar. The barman says "Sorry folks this is a thought police only establishment"

What do you call a beetle with two c**ts? Rihanna, Kanye and Paul.

What's black and white, got 72 legs and gives priests a boner? Il Collegio.

I used to i joke about boulevards, but that avenue's closed.
I used to joke about old cheese, but that's off.
I used to joke about One Direction, but they're shit.