Thanks for coming and c**tratulasons to GAPPY for winning. Your prize is to pm me with an object for next wank.
Your current study: Health and fitness.
Hence...
1 - 3 - Gappy
2 - 2 - Firkin
3 - 1 - Playfull

SOCCERED TO HIM

LIVING ROOM.
TOM and DICK bored, technically speaking, shitless.

TOM You know the worst thing about Coronavirus?

DICK What, is there a virus going round? Why don't they publicise these things more?

TOM Shut up... No, I'm Julian Clary in reverse. Can't come out. And I do miss sport.

DICK Well think about something else.

TOM There IS nothing else.

DICK Ah, don't be a spoilsport. Give me a sporting chance, old sport.

TOM Shut up.

DICK Just to get the ball rolling, which is in your court and ballpark, and I'm on and carrying and won't drop...

TOM Please shut...

DICK Ah, play ball and by the rules like a front runner. And don't move the goalposts, you heavyweight knockout, just touch base on a home stretch and roll with the punches...

TOM Will you please...

DICK I'll square for the innings or take a hike on the chin before taking off my gloves, throwing in the towel and my hat into the ring like scoring an own goal, taking the full count that I'm out for, working out another string to my bow off my bat on the wrong foot head first in deep water out of my depth above water on a winning streak on thin ice... .

TOM Will you SHUT UP.

PAUSE.

DICK I'm stumped. You've knocked me for six. I'm for the high jump.

TOM CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

DICK OK... Music?

TOM Thank you.

DICK Who's your favourite Spice Girl?

Sound of phone ringing, then being answered,

GARY: Hello David.

DAVID: It's me Gary, David Beckham.

GARY: I know it's you David,

DAVID: You do? How do you now it's me?

GARY: Well for a start know is spelt with a 'k'.

DAVID: Uh?

GARY: Your name comes up when you ring.

DAVID: It does?

GARY: Yes, it does, that and the fact you are calling on Skype.

DAVID: So, you can see me then? Wait there ...

GARY: No, not the FA cup...

DAVID: What can you see now Gary?...Go on, what can you see?

GARY: What do you want David? Can we get on with the call, only the football might start again in September and I'd quite like to be there.

DAVID: Go on Gary, what can you see?
(PAUSE)

GARY: I can see the FA Cup. You are holding up a picture of the FA Cup.

DAVID: No I'm not...I'm holding up a mirror.

GARY: Let me guess...

DAVID: Brilliant! Do you get it? Your head is shaped like The FA Cup...

GARY: Shearer, it was Shearer who put you up to...

DAVID: It's because your ears stick out, brilliant...Yes, it was Mrs Shearer. Alan couldn't come to the phone as he was washing his hair, so he shouted through.

GARY: Washing his hair...What do you want David?

DAVID: Well I was just thinking, what with the lock-down and everything.

GARY: Is this about Captain Tom?

DAVID: He's brilliant, he's raised millions! And all by doing 100 laps of his garden.

GARY: We spoke about this earlier.

DAVID: I want to do a 100 themed challenge.

GARY: I know, when you rang earlier you said Victoria was going to do a weight loss challenge?

DAVID: 100 grams in 100 days.

GARY: Yes, that was it. 100 grams.

DAVID: She's been advised against it on medical grounds. Something to do with her having a negative BMI index number.

GARY: I didn't know that was possible?

DAVID: At least it explains bath time. It's like trying to bath a beach ball. Sometimes she actually floats on top of the bubble bath.

GARY: I have no idea how to answer that...

DAVID: And anyway we couldn't find any bathroom scales that measured single grams.

GARY: So you are looking for a 100 themed challenge?

DAVID: Yesssss, but it has to be something to do with fitness, health. Get the nations lard arses up.

GARY: Talking of lard arses, you do realise Shearer wasn't washing his hair, he hasn't got any hair.

DAVID: Not on his head.

GARY: (PAUSE) and back to the challenge. What about arranging a charity football match, Man u veteran players verses the current players, but played over 100 minutes not 90?

DAVID: Can't do that. United won't let any vets play against or even train with the first team.

GARY: Why not? Insurance problems?

DAVID: No, we had a group of Vets train with the first team a couple of months ago and some of the vets ran rings round the first team 'stars'. A furious Pogba put in a transfer request and Fred was too embarrassed to come out of the showers.

GARY: Wow, who was it? Keane, Cantona?

DAVID: Mainly Bobby Charlton.

GARY: Jesus.

DAVID: No, he plays for City...

GARRY: No i meant...Aghhhh you got me. Right final suggestion...Visit 100 footy stadiums with Robbie Savage. I'll get the BBC to film it.

DAVID: Robbie Savage? (PAUSE). Right thanks.

GARRY: What are you going to do?

DAVID: Get a set of kitchen scales for Victoria and tell Ole I'll play Bobby Charlton in goal.

GARRY: Good plan. I'm off to order a signed copy of Mike Ashley's Autobiography for Shearer.

DAVID: Nice one, what's it called?

GARRY: "From Sports Direct to Newcastle FC, or from paying zero wages to giving zero f**ks!"

CAPTAIN: [EPIC] We are the first ever mission to Mars and as we all know [SFX: DUM, DUM, DUM], no one will be returning.

NED: Well there better be a McDonalds up there, like you promised.

SUE: Captain, how did you make that "Dum Dum" noise ?

CAPTAIN: You just press this little button here.

SUE: You mean the one that ejects our spare fuel ?

CAPTAIN: [BEAT] That's not important right now. We need to pioneer in a déjà vu manner. Setting up services that will aid us on our long and adios journey.

SUE: Not so long now, you jettisoned the fuel.

NED: Captain, I propose we set up mental health services first.

CAPTAIN: Why ?

NED: We're going to be trapped in this tin can for decades. We willing signed up to certain death, that's suicide , that's not healthy.

CAPTAIN: But it's heroic right ? Heroically bad for your health ?

SUE: Yes Captain, an heroic sacrifice.

CAPTAIN: A sacrifice allowing me to at last, join the Gods. I should at least get a marble statue out of this, right ?

U: Listen, I didn't sign up to certain death, I'm an undertaker ! Can we go back ? I only came because there's no competition and I can charge extortionate prices. What can I say, my company moto is "our customers are stiff, so we stiff the customer".

CAPTAIN: Stiffies ? I say no to your mental health services. Britain was built on exploitation of the mentally ill, from building railroads to Jeremy Kyle. Chronic underfunding of mental health services is what made this country Great !

SUE: Hang on a minute, sanity is defined as thinking in the way the masses do. Therefore on this Space ship we all think the same , therefore we're all normal. You say mad, I say brave heroine.

U: Actually, I don't want to labour this point but no one told me we weren't coming back.

SUE: Well we were until the Captain bravely jettisoned the fuel for the sake of a few Dum Dums.

U: I don't want to die, no one told me ! I need to get off !

CAPTAIN: So the Undertaker...

U: I've got a name you know, Priti Patel, here's my card.

CAPTAIN: That's a very pretty name for a very pretty undertaker. But you think differently to us, Burn her !

SUE: Hold on, hold on, this is barbaric. Are we still in the dark ages with mental health ? Burning witches ? Really ?

U: Thank you sister.

SUE: We need to save fuel. Eject her into space.

----END----

Grate! Playfull Just beats It off.

Arse! I lost track of the date, and I'm late. I have a sketch too

Anyway, that's my problem, my vote goes to Firkin.

In the words of my mother, stick it in anyway.

Gappy - post it, it's only fair, if you are looking at ours we should be able to look at yours (as Michael might say).

I vote for Firkin too - just for - SUE: You mean the one that ejects our spare fuel ?

Agreed, Gappy you must post it. I vote Playful.

Aren't you lot all sweeties? Well, as you asked so nicely...

FX: STREET NOISE

MOLLY: [Very young] Can we have an ice cream after all the shopping is finished?

DAD: Yes, I think we can find time for that. Oh, Molly, that man wants to talk me, hold on a mo, poppet.

MAN: Would you like to donate, sir?

DAD: What for?

MAN: Cancer.

DAD: OK, what's the money for?

MAN: Raising awareness.

DAD: Of cancer?

MAN: Yes.

DAD: I think everybody knows what cancer is.

MAN: Do you reckon?

DAD: I'd say so.

MAN: I mean, like, little kids might not know.

DAD: Molly? Do you know what cancer is?

MOLLY: It's a bad sickness that makes you ill.

MAN: Well...it's not a very good definition.

DAD: I think it will serve in this instance. We don't need any awareness raised around here.

MAN: Molly? What's malignant neoplasia?

MOLLY: Errm. I don't know.

MAN: What about oncological malignancies?

MOLLY: I'm scared of this man, Daddy.

MAN: There you go. She could do with some awareness-raising. She's hardly an expert.

DAD: They're just synonyms, though. You're not actually raising any awareness, you're just trying to teach people new words.

MAN: It pays to enrich your word power.
DAD: Good day.

MAN: Wait! Dogs!

DAD: Pardon me.

MAN: Dogs! Dogs don't know what cancer is, do they?

DAD: No...

MAN: That's it then. We're going to tell dogs what cancer is, so that all the dogs know. And to do that, we have to...teach them to talk!

DAD: Teach dogs to talk?

MAN: Yes. That's why we need you money. So we can teach dogs to talk. And then tell them about cancer, obviously.

DAD: That idea is absolutely...brilliant! Here, have £20.

FX: STREET SOUNDS FINISH, AS IF TAPE IS STOPPING

SPEAKER: And that is how the idea of teaching dogs to talk came about. Next lesson, how we rose up and killed all the humans.

FX: WILD YAPPING OF DOGS.

I enjoyed that Gappy. Educational too.

Yes a nice sketch, using a child worked and the 'rise of the planet of the dogs' twist ending not only caught me by surprise but could well spawn a new film franchise!

On a separate point, it's good to have the skit comp back. Lets hope we get a few more old lags posting or better still a bit of new blood.

On a separate point from the separate point above - i actually like the Beckams - despite my sketch. Just needed to get that off my chest...

On a separate point from both the two separate points and the sentence above...The line in my sketch -

GARY: Well for a start know is spelt with a 'k'

Is i think, my favourite line of any i have ever written on the BCG. I got an instant sense of self satisfaction when i wrote it. Which is weird, cos it doesn't work off the page, if the sketch were to be filmed or sound recorded it would make no sense at all. I might smugly think it is a smartly surreal breaking of the fourth wall, but it isn't and it doesn't. But i still love it - comedy eh?

I've just seen the scoring has changed. Excellent idea, I thought ages ago the old system was a bit wild. This will make the rounds more exciting

It was actually a mistake but then I remembered the words of Confucious. F**k It.