Tell us a joke Page 223

Went to an Ethipian restaurant. Ate f**k all. There was food outside but no one let it in.

Thief with diarrhea. Just takes the money and runs.

Elvis was upset when I said he didn't use correct grammar. He said, 'I'm all shook up. So treat me nice. In fact, love me tender.' I said, 'Sorry but them's the rules innit.'

I was directing Much Ado About Nothing with my good friend Tina Turner and suggested we double the female lead. She wasn't convinced. She said, We don't need another Hero.

I can't remember the month after June. - July? - No it's true.

My mother left my party with six men. I phoned later and she said, 'I'm home and dry. Actually...'

To distract myself from Sporty Spice, I developed a fruit diet. It's melony, see?

Which comedian preaches to the converted? My-Creed.

I did a whole Oscar Pistorius interview without referring to his condition. What a feat.

I revisited my 90s porn collection. It still stands up well.

What does an Amish say after sex? Oh brother.

My trousers have a 37" waist and a 36" leg measurement. If I decide to take them in by 4" and take them up by 3", what have I got?
The wrong trousers.

What's got 94 legs, can't speak Italian and never f**ks? Ex Pats in Rome.

What's the difference between a hysterectomy and an Ex Pat In Rome? A hysterectomy is not a total c**t.

What's the difference between my mother and the Duke of York? He only had ten thousand men... But when they were up...