Cold beans so c**tgratulations to PLAYFULL and ME for wanking. PM me with a subject for next wank please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
1 - 10 - Playfull, me

Your next topic is TIME.
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of testes, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 22.4.19.

Scorebored is now:
Position- Points - name
1 - 30 - Gappy
2 - 20 - me
3 - 10 - Playfull
4 - 1 - 5 - Patrick

AT RISE WE SEE TWO PEOPLE (MALE OR FEMALE) STANDING AT A BUS STOP.

P1: (AFTER LOOKING AROUND) Do you have the time?

P2: For what?

P1: I meant do you have the correct time on you?

P2: Yes, thank you.

P1: Well?

P2: Well what?

P1: Well could you tell me what it is?

P2: I could.

P1: Well?

P2: Well what?

P1: I'm waiting for you to answer my question.

P2: I just did.

P1: No, you didn't.

P2: Yes I did, you asked if I could tell you what the correct time is, and I replied that I could.

P1: Oh, this is ridiculous. You're being childish!

P2: (PAUSE) No I'm not.

P1: Yes you are (BEAT), I don't have time for this.

P2: No you don't, do you. Have the time that is.

P1: Isn't it time you grew up?

P2: Watch it!

P1: Look don't make me lose my temper.

P2: Or you might just clock me one eh? At least you would have what you want then.

P1: What do you mean?

P2: Well you would end up doing time.

P1 STORMS OFF

P1: Idiot!

P2: (SHOUTING) Finish this another time then, eh?

P2 LOOKS AT HIS WATCH.

P2: Oh, it's stopped.

A man balanced a clock on one hand, a watch on the other, then Big Ben on both. Clearly has too much time on his hands.
My mother says sperm is like criticism. First you take it lying down... Then you take it on the chin... In the end you just swallow it.
I'm so pleased about the new Dr Who series, I'm having a party last week.
What's the difference between a teen in a vegetable patch and a bus in Rome? The teen might come on thyme.
Mick Jagger fell over in an allotment. He said, Thyme is on my side.
I went from London to Glasgow on a bus. How long was it? About two metres, bonnet to end.
My wife says I'm obsessed with Pink all the time. SO WHAT?
I believe in déjà vu. Last night I told my jokes and no one laughed. I thought, I'm sure this has happened before.

Well...another hard to call comp. My weak effort (which is just an old sketch that didn't work, didn't go anywhere and isn't remotely funny) or Michael's funnier, hand crafted, stand up, stand out, knockabout gag fest - Soooooooooooo... on a technical knockout (MM posted late) it's me! I'm not too proud to take a win i don't deserve!

Now where is that acceptance speech....

Another overwhelming response. Thanks to Playfull for quadrupling the entries.
Anyone want to vote?