Hi everyone this is my first attempt at writing a stand up joke for my first act please bear in mind it's still a ruff version and unedited but please give me your honest verdicts

Know my old mans an alcoholic
But when your growing up you don't realise this until you're older then you start to look back on thing from your child hood and you start thinking that FUCKING idiot could of killed me the first one that really sticks with me was my mum had horses and I was helping my dad build an electric fence now when we where finished he asked me to grab a sledgehammer from the other side of the fence and me being a thicko i said okay know when I lent over the fence to get it I used both arms because it was heavy next thing bang my arse of a father turns the fence on it instantly makes both my arms go dead and I bite my tongue real hard in the shock so I can't talk properly he's just walks up to me laughing I'm like why would you do that you're supposed to love me what the f**k happened he finally manages to get it to together before saying I had to test the fence I lost my mind I tried to hit him agh but I still can't move my arms so I'm just f**king flicking them at him I can't do else so I get more annoyed that's when I turn into a bitch and shout I'm telling mum I run for the gate but he beats me he locks me on the yard hah know I still can't shout for help properly because I bit my tongue and this prick casually walks into the house like nothing's happened
He locks the door behind him and pulls the curtains shut I was f**king locked down there for 4 god dam hours but the thing that really pisses me off is he just said I was in my room and no one noticed f**k you dad

Pretty disturbing story, but hardly suitable for a stand up comedian, no laughs at all there...

Yo Tommy.

What you've written is a story, not a joke. With stories, like Frank Carson used to day, "it's the way you tell them" that makes them funny. So stories can be funny if, like with a joke, there is a set up, a middle, and then a pay off. Your story starts with you telling us your old man is an alcoholic but what the story tells us he did, outwardly has nothing to do with drink, it's something he could have done sober. The swearing is unnecessary as well. It doesn't really add anything. Well done for posting. Have another go and repost.

Quote: beaky @ 15th October 2018, 8:25 PM

Pretty disturbing story, but hardly suitable for a stand up comedian, no laughs at all there...

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It's true that it's a pretty disturbing story.

It's also true that there are no laughs at all in the story itself.

However, I take a slightly more positive view of its suitability for stand-up comedy because this sort of story can go down well with some audiences if it's told in an appropriate way.

One thing is for sure: the audience will never have heard anything like this in all their lives.

Another thing is also for sure: there are audiences who will like this. Such audiences may be few and far between but I guarantee you that somebody somewhere is going to see this act performed and say "This guy is great!"

You have a point.

Okay so iv re done it still not sure if you will find it funny but I just wanted to see if if you think this is better or worse than the last

Okay so when I was growing up my parents had horses and they ran a small stud farm. They kept them on some land behind the house that my dad used to maintain and Anybody who has ever owned horses will tell you there like velociraptors they'll test the fence repeatedly for weaknesses and then eat there way out if they get the chance. The land backed onto a busy bypass so the fences had to be real strong to keep them in I remember one time I had to help my dad replace the old fence with a new and improved electric fence not only was the electric fence supposed to keep the horse in it was also ment to keep them away from the fence and improve it's life expectancy. So anyway when we'd finally finished installing it my dad asked me if I could go get the sledgehammer from the other side of the new and improved fence I thought about it for a second and said okay when I lent over the fence I used both arms because it was heavy and I didn't want to drop it all of a sudden ZAP I get lit up like Blackpool lights both my arms instantly go dead and I bite my tongue in the shock so I can't talk properly my dad walks over in hysterics I ask what happened in a stupid voice and he finally composes himself enough to say well I had to test the fence some how I go off and say something like why would you why would you even do that to me your supposed to love me he just starts laughing again I go to take a swing for him but my arms are still numb so all I can do is flap them like an angry jellyfish this is when the bitch comes out in me and I say I'm telling mum on you and I make a bolt for the gate he beats me through and pulls it shut behind him aghhh he gives me a smug look knowing full well i can't open the gate and he casually walks up to the house and enters it he shuts the door behind him and pulls the blinds shut I was locked out for 2 hours screw you dad