ldkvflasbvnàfs nm 17 - 25.9.18

Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to GAPPY and CRINDY for winkin'. PM me with a subject for next wank please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Gappy, Crindy

Your next topic is TIRED (suggested by Patrick).
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of gums, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 25.9.18.

Scorebored is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 15 - Crindy
2 - 10 - Gappy, Patrick

SOCIAL HEIGHTS

MAN on floor, dagger in guts... WOMAN rushes in.

MAN Thank God you came...

WOMAN Now don't you worry: I shall do my utmost to help the person who did this.

MAN What? Call an ambulance!

WOMEN He drives an ambulance? Many thanks: this data may prove instrumental in my locating of the poor fellow.

MAN I - I'm dying...

WOMAN And I'm dying to aid this sad, confused, traumatised lad. You see, I'm not actually a doctor...

MAN Oh God...

WOMAN Language! I'm a social worker, and I comprehend that in such cases, the victim...

MAN Victim? He smacked me...

WOMAN Alas, alack, a smack! That which persons such as yourself fail to grasp is that these casualties you hastily dub 'tearaways...'

MAN Tearaway? He tore my wallet away...

WOMAN Don't be fresh, please: This is serious. These, ahem, 'tearaways' - watch it - are frequently fostered faraway, in broken homes...

MAN Broken bones, in my case...

WOMAN I told you once. Do recall that psychological violence is far more damaging than the merely physical.

MAN Tell that to Muhammad Ali.

WOMAN The tormented, tantalised teens oft derive from impecunious, penurious milieux, engendering needful - nay, nebulous nostalgia for a Rousseauesque, proto-Goethean, pre-Biblical state of idyllic, sub-idealised Grace. The deed of aggression to which he subjected your corpus is but an allegorical, hyperbolical transfer of sublimated but unsublime metaphorical, allegorical pulsations, expressed by Margaret Mead, the Bard and Kierkegaard as... Are you all right there?

(He dies.)

WOMAN (shrugs) Some people just don't wanna be helped.

PARROT: Aaark! Hello Polly parrot! Cuttlefish! Aaark! Bleedin demised! Fjords! Pining! Pining! Bereft of life nuzzled up fjords! Prolonged squawk! Pining pining plumage!

BILL: [Beat] So, he wasn't dead, then?

PRALINE: No. Just tired. The guy was right after all. Bit embarrassing.

BILL: Yeah. Yeah...

Best uses for old car tyres:

Commuter protection devices: wear round your hips and bash your way through Euston station.
Wedding rings for dragons on a budget.
Roulette wheels for rats.
Hula hoops for body builders.
Measuring girth for obese legs.
Moody frames for modern art (circular form).
Get five and recreate The Olympics logo for a sports tournament at your local scrapyard.

EXT. TREE BRANCH - DAY

Two MAYFLY sit on a tree branch. Thousands of other mayfly buzz around in the sky around them.

MAYFLY 1
Come on mate! Let's get out there and get some! This is the big night!

MAYFLY 2
Nah, you're alright. Feels like a bit of a waste of time.

MAYFLY 1
It's not a waste of time. It's a massive orgy! And it's the entire purpose of our brief, fleeting life on this planet.

MAYFLY 2
Yeah, but...I'm a bit tired.

MAYFLY 1
Wh--? A bit tired?! Mate, we've been buried underground for the last three months doing nothing but resting! And tonight's the night!

MAYFLY 2
I'm just not really up for it. You go on without me.

MAYFLY 1
But...we've got to get out there! Get mating with the ladies!

MAYFLY 2
Maybe tomorrow.

MAYFLY 1
There is no tomorrow! We'll all be dead tomorrow!

MAYFLY 2
I'll get up early.

MAYFLY 1
You'll get--? Look, mate, you can't back out on me now. We've been talking about this for weeks underground!

MAYFLY 2
Were we? I couldn't hear you all that well. It was a bit muffled.

MAYFLY 1
Well, we definitely were. We were gonna be each other's wingman, yeah? Get out there, get a bit tipsy on the old nectar, and find us some ladies!

MAYFLY 2
Yeah, but it's been a long day in the sun...

MAYFLY 1
How would you know? You literally have no frame of reference to how long a day in the sun is! Apart from today! The big day!

MAYFLY 2
I just fancy an early night, that's all.

MAYFLY 1
Come on, you can't back out now! You've got to come with me, talk me up, yeah? Help me break the ice?

MAYFLY 2
I'm sure you'll do fine without me.

MAYFLY 1
No, I'm not having this. You're not gonna ruin the big day. So come on, let's get out there and preserve our genetic code for another generation!

MAYFLY 2
(sighing)
Fine.

They fly off. A nearby FROG sticks its tongue out and grabs them both, pulling them back into its mouth.

INT. FROG'S MOUTH - MOMENTS LATER

Darkness. Crunching sounds.

MAYFLY 2
Told you this was a waste of time.

THE END

DENNIS FROST ENTERS MR. STAMP'S OFFICE

DENNIS (EXCITED):
Mr. Stamp! I've heard seven things about you.

STAMP:
Alright. Ok Dennis, wow me. What can you offer that can make us both millionaires?

DEN:
Right. You're going to be so happy with me. I have an idea for a book full of amazing feats and records.

STAMP:
Riiight....(dubiously)

DEN:
For instance, the hungriest man to run a marathon..was Jeffrey Thomas who said he was "absolutely starving" before the 1996 Olympics.
Aam, we have the tallest man to wind a baby... the nicest man to go blind, the first person to christen an otter, the-

STAMP:
Yes that's all well and good but the idea isn't entirely original is it.... what do you call this book?

DEN:
The Dennis Book of Records.

STAMP:
Hmm... You see both in content and name its quite similar to the Guinness Book of Records there.

DEN:
The what?

STAMP:
The Gui- Nevermind. What say we leave that in the 'maybe' pile. What else have you got?

DEN:
A documentary on a few of my more interesting friends. Uneven Pete: He always walks like he is on a kerb; Steve Jurassic: He looks like a disappointed caveman; Tom Johnson: He has the frostiest back I've ever seen. Like a cold winters morning, constantly.

STAMP:
MmmHmm...

DEN:
Dragons Den.

STAMP:
Oh yes?

DEN:
Yes. I Dennis Frost go in search of dragons in the hope of becoming their pet for a week and will therefore become Dragons Den/Dennis... I have the failed salmon, the jungle head of...

STAMP:
If I may just cut across you at this point and ask, have you anything good?

DEN:
Oooh good. If you'd just said good I'd have told you good. Aam 'I Dolphin'.

STAMP:
Dare I ask what that is?

DEN:
We get a group together and they spend six months working as dolphins on the shores of Mexico and we document the trials and tribulations that they encounter.

STAMP:
Can I just take that folder away from you........ I'll call out a few ideas and you explain them to me. Ok, 'Alan Johansson: The Mediocre Wolf'.

DEN:
Oh yes, that's a children's story about a wolf who doesn't do anything even remotely interesting.

STAMP:
Right. Not am....not...... Gerry the Pim?

DEN:
Just....just a name.

STAMP:
Excellent....and one more.... North Pole?

DEN:
A Polish man goes North a bit....kinda steps in a northerly direction... in a way.

STAMP:
Ok. So what do you think? Have any of your ideas got any chance of making it?

DENNIS LOOKS SHEEPISH.

V/O:
TWO WEEKS LATER.

CUT TO TV PRESENTER.

PRESENTER:
And that was the smash hit name from the smash hit show 'Gerry the Pim'!!

THEME TUNE...

'Whats his game, Gerry the Pim. Its just a name, Gerry the Pim. Gerry the Pim, Gerry the Pim. This is him!

PRESENTER:
And that was the smash hit name from the smash hit show 'Gerry the Pim'!! And now it's our story of the month.

CHILDRENS READER:
Today we're going to learn about Alan Johannsson; the mediocre wolf and the amazing and magical adventures that he doesn't get up to.

Alan Johannsson was a mediocre wolf of the highest order. He slept and slept for what seemed like seconds. Alan suddenly awoke but there was nothing there.

"What was that"? Thought Alan mediocrely. "That sounded like what may have been a noise". His eyes were reclosing, then his eyes fully closed. He was asleep.

He slept and slept and slept and slept......and slept and slept (TURN PAGE) and slept and slept. Suddenly; he slept some more. Alan slept. After two days he was awakened by his eyes. They opened.

Alan found it very hard to sleep when his eyes were open. Alan walked, he saw a tree, he heard a leaf. Then Alan burped, yawned and got sick on a mouse for as well as being mediocre Alan was also an ignorant prick.

END.

Otterfox.
Kudos to Patrick for thinking outside the box (like me after sex).

Crindy for me. Mayfly 2's indifference was a lovely, funny idea.

Crindy comes up with another cracking concept, but a couple of the lines make it an Otter week for me.

And the points from the Tiggy jury go to...

...

...

...

...Crindy!