I took my mother to a chocolate shop.
Cadbury? - Yes, she joked, I wanna cad buried.
Nestlè? - Yes, she joked, I wanna nest lain.
Suchard? - Yes, she joked.

Saturday night, I'm looking in the mirror, thinking, 'Some girl's gonna be lucky tonight. And stay at home.'

Mick Jagger asks an Italian for a choice. He says, Gimme scelta.

My wife surprised me for our Copper wedding anniversary.

She said she wanted to marry a policeman.

I asked Freddy Mercury how many virgins he hoped to bone. He said, I want to break three.

I grew up in Lincolnshire where the landscape is extremely flat.

So I tend to get very homesick when I'm putting up a shelf.

After my first bow job, I kept a pube as a souvenir. Got a hair of the dog that bit me.

My dad's promised to stop jerking off on my head. It's a load off my mind.

Emma Bunton asked John Lennon, Who's your favourite Spice Girl? He said, Baby it's you. (Sorry. That was disrespectful to Melanie C.)

I must congratulate myself on dropping all those childish innuendoes. Keep it up!

Helena Bonham Carter explains how to work with top producers. The secret lies in her middle name.

I don't trust zoos. Too cagey.

I want to try self-castration,but I'm not sure I can cut it.

I like talking to johnnies, but they go on a bit.

My brother robs sweet shops... Takes all sorts.