My mother told me it's OK to jizz on the carpet. I said, Thanks for clearing that up.

My mother made me a nymphomaniac. Wha-hay! Next week she ran up a pair of jean's. That takes some footwork skills. Then she took up skiing, it was all downhill after that.

Last year, Elton John watched every George Michael video. He says, I'm still standing.

Last Christmas George Michael gave you his heart, when he died he also gave you his lungs, liver and kidneys.. what a great guy he was, I loved him. RIP.

Elton John denies sex scandal. I don't let the son go down on me.

I'm impotent and constipated. I need more get up and go.

Only the good are dead young. The dead tell no tales. Dead reckoning is the most accurate. Dead eye Dick is the guy you don't want shooting at you. Death where is thy sting, hopefully kept well in his trou. That's assuming death wears trousers. Of course he does. But is death a he or a she or an it. Definitely a 'she-it' in certain circumstances. We are all going to be dead one day. Dead right. Dead wrong. Dead rotten.

I do anal necrophilia for money. Dead end job.

How can you be .. 'dead lucky' .. it makes no sense. It's like comedians who do.. 'dead pan' .. I mean, is that the opposite of 'live pan' .. and 'dead in the middle' what the ferk is that supposed to mean? I'd like to be dead. But only for the Mon-Fri part of the week. And those Sat/Sun days after the pay runs out..

The royal baby weighed just over eight pounds. And just over eight pounds is what it will cost the British taxpayer every second of its life.

Doctor I've got terrible diarrhea and there's a pile of it in my tights right now..

Don't worry Mrs Shyte-Haus I'll soon get to the bottom of it..

The town council of Norwich pays me handsomely to be the archetype of Norfolk inbreeding. I'm on a six-finger salary.

I'm constipated. Tough shit.

I lost my virginity, thank f**k.

What's the difference between Moses and a porn model? Moses has 'Aaron.